I have bad stress sometimes and I’m wondering about hocd or gay?

[CharlieStevens]

So I will be honest I am a person who gets stressed easily. That being said I am a straight male who has a girlfrined of almost 1.5 years in High School in Indiana where I am an upperclassman. I have always looked at myself as being straight. This was the girl I could see myself with for a long long time. I always made it clear that I wanted that and that I wanted her to stay loyal and so on and so fourth. I wanted to lose my virginity to her and date her into college. I have never had a crush on a guy. Some people I compare myself to or see how others find them attractive but I have never been drawn to them or take a second glance like if I see a hot girl. However, just one day there was a change and I got stressed and feared I might be gay. It was literally the blink of an eye. ( I want to be straight and marry a beautiful wife and have kids with her). But anywho I just got stressed I worried about what if guys are attractive, not that I can think of any, and I wondered am I gay? It was like one day it all just changed. I haven’t seen my girlfriend in a week and this all took place dense then. But it just didn’t seem as genuine to say or text I love you and I just don’t know if I found her attractive. I’ve also wondered do I still think my girlfriend is attractive. I don’t know if that’s just cause I’m stressed. I will also say when I watch porn it is of girls and I focus on girls that look like my girlfriend and imagine that. I still don’t find guys attractive like that but I just am confused. It literally was random and it has stressed me out, and I still don’t think I would ever date a gay person. I just like I said am confused. Is this HOCD or no? I know no one can be certain except me but I am just looking for what people may think. Like I said I am a stress person sometimes but I’ve always been confident I am straight. I was wondering and looking for input on what other people think.

[Paxiled]

For one thing, my voice on here is there is no such thing as HOCD, it's a label designed by pharmaceutical companies to sell drugs.  But others disagree, which is good.  Everything you say shouts hetero, but if you were gay or bisexual, so what?  That's the question you have to ask yourself, why does it bother you?  And that's an anxiety problem based on a current bias against gay people (this wasn't always so -- most older civilizations were bisexual).  Actions speak louder than words, and all your actions are hetero.  But you do seem to have a problem, as you state, with self esteem and obsessive worrying, so that might be a problem you could work on in therapy if it's getting in the way of your life.  These kinds of thoughts are incredibly common and normal, if that eases your mind.  Many of us go through a period of time when we're young wondering especially when relationships aren't working out.  And remember, you're in high school.  Any relationship you're in now is unlikely to be the one you're going to be in for life.  Could happen.  Probably won't.  Time will show you that.  Lot of pain and stress and insecurity in sexual relationships, and there's no avoiding that unless you avoid those kinds of relationships, which is boring.  So you're perfectly normal, going through something many go through, but you want to take a good look at how often you do this kind of worrying to yourself.  Peace.

[CharlieStevens]

I am happy and content with my relationship. It was literally one day with the flip of a switch I got stressed about it. I like where I’m at in my life. I’ve never thought about dating a man, marrying a man, or doing anything with a man. I’ve always fantasized women. I’m Catholic and I want to marry a women, I want to be 100% straight and content with my life and my girl friend. But just in the past few days it has been immense pressure and stress to reassure myself I am not gay. Like I said I can get stressed easily. Like with my girlfriend everytime she goes out I will just ask her please be loyal and don’t do drugs as those are two things I value. I repeat those things a lot to her. Now I feel I am doing that to myself where it is like I’m not gay. I asked her if I had a gay voice and have kept recording myself to see if my voice sounds gay. Like I said analyzing myself and my mannerisms, if I’ve ever been attracted to guys like that( which I am 99.99% sure I haven’t).  I know that marriage is never likely to happen with my current girlfriend, but I have always told her and stated I want to date her for a long time and don’t want to breakup for some reason( like college). I Want a straight marriage and a straight life as it is something I have imagined for my whole life. I’ve always liked seeing women and marrying a women. It is the more stereotypical American Dream and I have always thought it is my dream. Not that if someone is gay I hold that against. Personally that is just not something I have never wanted in my life. I want to be straight. Im a Catholic who aligns closely with the Republican Party on most issues besides the environment, and I’m not Trumps number one fan just to be clear. But anywho I have always thought relationship and love like that is for man and women. I want to be straight and have a living relationship with my girlfriend for as long as that lasts, and then another girl after that. I really appreciate hearing from you. I just don’t know if it is like I’m in denial or is H/OCD.

[Paxiled]

See, this is the problem about having beliefs that are very judgmental -- they can drive you nuts.  They can make you very judgmental too.  Your two belief systems are highly biased against gays, at least publicly -- privately, it's probably quite different -- so it seems to be what you are doing, to yourself, is taking a belief system and turning it now against yourself.  Makes it hard to see things the way they are.  There is no such thing as a gay voice -- yes, some gays adopt a very "gay" voice but most don't.  Big burly manly football players are gay.  As with everyone else, gays come in all shapes and sizes and some are also Catholic and Republican.  And the way you're talking about your girlfriend, that's pretty clingy and domineering, and that isn't going to wear well with women.  Ever thought about therapy?

[CharlieStevens]

I will also say that I have question if anything I have done is gay and I have wondered if my voice is gay and all of these other things. I’ve wondered if I get excited by gay guys. I’ve wondered other things too like was i homophobic and oppressed thoughts or was signs of affection in public by gay people really just something I looked away from. I’ve thought about my manuerisms, clothes, and voice. I want to be straight and genuinely  love my girlfriend but I was looking for insight from other people. With my friends I did what teenagers do and talked about other girls and how they are attractive. Like this one girl since second grade and I don’t ever recall doing that with a guy. I just get stressed and I like being sure. I want to know what other people have to say. Please be honest and I want to be straight but if you think I’m just in denial please let me know.