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Please answer honestly without telling me to seek CBT or get medicine for OCD


Is this irrational? Or far fetched? Or could this be real?
I have an HIV phobia unfortunately. It's been on and off almost my whole life. Here's what is happening now. So please do not answer me if you are judging this but I had an abortion at 36 and ever since I have regretted it tremendously. However now the only people that know is my doctor and her assistant. It's been almost 4 years since my abortion but I'm so worried that every time I go to the doctor and get any type of procedure, pap probably procedure, blood work anything that involves using any type of medical supplies or instruments, I worry that judge me for my abortion and in turn will do something on purpose to me to try to infect me with HIV since they know I'm a germaphobe and specifically I always worry about hiv and they know that. I'm worried that that one of them would reuse medical supplies on purpose or tell someone in the office to infect me if they can like reuse a needle or instruments to perform pap test procedure, like the speculum they put inside you to swab a test to check your pap or anything really. I got my ears flushed and I wondered if they reused the tip that goes in my ear to infect me or injected blood of someone else's into the bottle that they use to flushed my ears out. I even told them I'm worried about that and now that I told them that  worried they will do something to infect me because they don't agree with my decision of abortion or maybe just because they know I'm fearful of HIV and annoying that I'm always asking them to open up stuff in front of me that now they will deliberatly do something on purpose to infect me like now I have them the idea. Do you think that anyone would do that? I do because I know people can be evil and you see it on the news horrible things that people do and sometimes you hear or read that someone reused a needle in medical facility and I just don't trust anyone anymore. I hope they didn't reuse anything to do my pap procedure or ear flush or blood draw or anything and that they wouldn't do it ever with anything and I hope now that I told them what I'm worried about that it now gave them the idea to do something like that now. I worry much that they are upset about my abortion and they think I deserve this now. Please help me and tell me if I'm being irrational and if I need to worry about HIV now or in the future because I brought it up to them. Should I not go back there anymore? Please think about it before reacting and thinking I'm being ridiculous because I know it sounds ridiculous butt could this be true do you think I need to be worried? Also I want to have a child now and maybe they think I deserve this because I said I wanted to get pregnant now and the fact that I got an abortion ba few years ago maybe they are thinking I don't serve a baby now. I don't know but please help me with my thoughts and respond with something with your honest opinion.
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973741 tn?1342342773
Absolutely no judgement here.  Everyone needs to do what is best for them given their own situation.  I'm sure that's what you did.  That doesn't mean that you don't have a bit of emotional residue after the fact.  

With regards to HIV, yes, this is irrational thinking and it's due to anxiety and guilt.  It's not reality.  You will never have to worry about HIV if you don't have unprotected sex (either vaginal or anal) unless in a monogamous relationship and don't share drug needles used in shooting up.  No one is going to have HIV on hand to punish women who have had an abortion.  :>)  Truly, this is the definition of irrational thinking.

So, two things.  1.  Why do you feel you have to disclose the abortion from 4 years ago to every heath care professional?  You can mention it or not.  The time to do so is before delivery of a baby but even then, it's not exactly something anyone needs to know.  An abortion rarely impacts a woman's physically after the fact and most women just keep it to themselves.  So, don't share it anymore, you don't have to.  2. If you know you have HIV phobia, what are you doing about that?  Seeing a therapist sounds really key for you.  Do you know that if you DO have a baby, anxiety often increases.  That can be very hard for a new mother and also can be dangerous if it gets out of control for both you and the baby.  Part of your pre baby planning should most certainly include getting this anxiety under control.  A psychiatrist may also be needed depending on how things go with a therapist.  

Everyone deserves a baby.  You are not a bad person and were just doing the best you could 4 years ago.  hugs
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Thanks. Well I don't disclose it to every medical professional but its just that my own doctor knows and her medical assistant so every time I go I stress out that someone is going to do something to infect me. I shouldn't have told her I'm worried about it now. She's probably going to think I. Really a looney but she knows about my OCD and HIV anxiety and the fact that I worry about hiv. Probably should not have told her maybe she's going to be offended that I'm accusing her of trying to infect me. I wrote her a message I haven't heard back yet. I have tried to get help for OCD and this fear I have of HIV in general even before the abortion nothing has ever helped me medicine or CBT or anything I gave up and I'm just going to love the rest of my life worrying it's fine I've learned to accept that I'm going to always be stressed. Bit I will say I hate myself for what I did and walk around worried that I can't even go to the doctor's without feeling safe. I can't even get a shot or blood draw without going home and thinking someone did something to me and just most recently I had gone for a pap and ear flush and blood draw. Now I'm stressed out it's so stupid. Thanks for your response and no judgement. I think what happened about that part was I did tell one person a long time ago about the abortion and she never spoke with me again she never called me or texted me again after she moved and it was right after I told her that. It's fine I don't care she doesn't talk to me but I thought omg people do judge maybe the doctor does
Consider switching doctors and don't disclose.  I mean, seriously, your thought is 100 percent irrational anxiety thinking and a symptom of that, but if you ever felt like your medical doctor and staff were going to harm you, switching to another care team seems logical.  But that's just it, this isn't logical.  I think you are aware. But if you can't shake these feelings, please get help. Anxiety is something many deal with.  MANY.  It's a pretty common disorder.  I worry about you down the road if you do have a baby just because the anxiety can get much worse.  Get that all squared away before then.  

People always disappoint me.  Sorry about the person who handle the trust you gave them by being vulnerable enough to share something very personal so badly.  Sometimes highly religious people become very over the top with their views.  My theory is that everyone has a right to their opinion, but I need to do what is right for my life.  So, rest easy, you're good.  I think a lot of women have a termination of pregnancy and they just keep it themselves.  Talk about it to your therapist.  This is your life, your business, your body.  

When I was pregnant, I had a complication and the doctor said one thing to consider was a medically induced abortion.  I didn't opt to do it and had a healthy baby but MY DOCTOR understood that sometimes it is in the best interest of a woman or the baby (my situation was a potential birth defect which was not the case) to terminate.  Doctors are professionals.  They are not vindictive anti abortionists that hurt their patients.  They take an oath.  

Truly, talk to a therapist.  I'd call this week and get on the schedule.  Does your insurance cover it?  Start there to see who you can go to that might be covered by your insurance plan.  Many are doing virtual therapy which is not 'quite' as good as in person, but it still is therapy and still helpful!  
Ya you're right. I appreciate your kind words. See I don't want to switch because I do like her and the place I go to but I can't shake the thought I have. I hope it's just me being OCD and not real I hope it didn't happen and that it never will.
Treat your ocd/anxiety as a medical condition. THAT is real.  Your paranoia over a doctor and staff trying to inject you with HIV?  That's not real situation that can happen.  Hang in there and stay in touch.
Avatar universal
It's important to understand what is going on with you to understand the terms you are using.  Have you been diagnosed with OCD?  You are not describing OCD.  You are describing guilt and anxiety.  I mention this because of two reasons.  Putting a label on yourself often leads a person to define themselves as that label even though we all made up of a whole lot of different aspects.  It's also treated quite a bit differently from other forms of anxiety.  I would ask, did you have an irrational fear, or think more than normally, about HIV before your abortion guilt began?  Or did it arise only after your abortion?  HIV phobias make up a whole forum on this website, so it is pretty common.  Your particular fear that you describe, and again, it's not at all OCD, is quite irrational.  CBT isn't the only form of therapy out there, it's just one type.  It might be the best type for you and it might not.  I would think for you just talking to someone you don't personally know might let out some of this pent-up feeling you have that you've been holding in for so long.  And know that the last people in general who would judge you for having an abortion are physicians or other medical professionals.  As for those who believe they have the divine power to make these decisions for others, sure, they are out there, but for the most part they don't go after women who have had abortions other than to try to convert you to their particular belief system.  They are mostly after those who perform abortions and advocate for their availability.  They are usually quite sympathetic to women who have had them and especially those who feel bad about having them.  So that's a worry you don't need to have.  But here's the thing about life -- all living things are programmed for survival.  That's why most of us don't hold onto guilt forever to the point where it interferes with you're functioning.  When it does, that's an illness, even if it's got a trigger you can point to.  The abortion didn't cause your guilt.  Society and you did that.  You might have learned from it not to have another one.  You might not have.  Your beliefs might have changed because of it or they might not have.  But holding onto that guilt does you no good and a lot of harm.  I would highly recommend therapy so you can move on.  Whatever you decide the experience means to you is yours alone.  But you always do more good for yourself and others when you can move on and not become paralyzed with guilt or fear.  All the best, and peace.
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Thank you I appreciate your response. Yes I did have irrational fears of HIV before the abortion but now I just think that too will cause someone to infect me on purpose.  So since this was most recent I'm stuck on those thoughts unfortunately. You know what really sucks is I'm walking around sad and depressed that I caught something at the doctors and feel extra stressed because I sent the doctor a message telling them my fear. I sound like a lunatic, part of me feels it's fine and the other part I'm stressed about what if it did happen.  They haven't responded yet. I just hope it didn't happen and that I can move on and stop thinking this way.
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