Absolutely no judgement here. Everyone needs to do what is best for them given their own situation. I'm sure that's what you did. That doesn't mean that you don't have a bit of emotional residue after the fact.
With regards to HIV, yes, this is irrational thinking and it's due to anxiety and guilt. It's not reality. You will never have to worry about HIV if you don't have unprotected sex (either vaginal or anal) unless in a monogamous relationship and don't share drug needles used in shooting up. No one is going to have HIV on hand to punish women who have had an abortion. :>) Truly, this is the definition of irrational thinking.
So, two things. 1. Why do you feel you have to disclose the abortion from 4 years ago to every heath care professional? You can mention it or not. The time to do so is before delivery of a baby but even then, it's not exactly something anyone needs to know. An abortion rarely impacts a woman's physically after the fact and most women just keep it to themselves. So, don't share it anymore, you don't have to. 2. If you know you have HIV phobia, what are you doing about that? Seeing a therapist sounds really key for you. Do you know that if you DO have a baby, anxiety often increases. That can be very hard for a new mother and also can be dangerous if it gets out of control for both you and the baby. Part of your pre baby planning should most certainly include getting this anxiety under control. A psychiatrist may also be needed depending on how things go with a therapist.
Everyone deserves a baby. You are not a bad person and were just doing the best you could 4 years ago. hugs
It's important to understand what is going on with you to understand the terms you are using. Have you been diagnosed with OCD? You are not describing OCD. You are describing guilt and anxiety. I mention this because of two reasons. Putting a label on yourself often leads a person to define themselves as that label even though we all made up of a whole lot of different aspects. It's also treated quite a bit differently from other forms of anxiety. I would ask, did you have an irrational fear, or think more than normally, about HIV before your abortion guilt began? Or did it arise only after your abortion? HIV phobias make up a whole forum on this website, so it is pretty common. Your particular fear that you describe, and again, it's not at all OCD, is quite irrational. CBT isn't the only form of therapy out there, it's just one type. It might be the best type for you and it might not. I would think for you just talking to someone you don't personally know might let out some of this pent-up feeling you have that you've been holding in for so long. And know that the last people in general who would judge you for having an abortion are physicians or other medical professionals. As for those who believe they have the divine power to make these decisions for others, sure, they are out there, but for the most part they don't go after women who have had abortions other than to try to convert you to their particular belief system. They are mostly after those who perform abortions and advocate for their availability. They are usually quite sympathetic to women who have had them and especially those who feel bad about having them. So that's a worry you don't need to have. But here's the thing about life -- all living things are programmed for survival. That's why most of us don't hold onto guilt forever to the point where it interferes with you're functioning. When it does, that's an illness, even if it's got a trigger you can point to. The abortion didn't cause your guilt. Society and you did that. You might have learned from it not to have another one. You might not have. Your beliefs might have changed because of it or they might not have. But holding onto that guilt does you no good and a lot of harm. I would highly recommend therapy so you can move on. Whatever you decide the experience means to you is yours alone. But you always do more good for yourself and others when you can move on and not become paralyzed with guilt or fear. All the best, and peace.