Hi! First I would like to say I’m Sorry. English is not my native language. I’m from an asian country. I have been suffering from Pure – o since last year and I’m currently on Fluvoxatine. Recently I started getting flashbacks of my past which is really annoying. I keep thinking and reassuring the memories to get an answer about how I really felt.
Here’s the story, I have a boyfriend. We have been together for almost 7 years. He is my first love and my everything. When I was 14, I had a crush on a guy and he asked me out and I told him yes without even knowing what a relationship is. Just because I had a crush I told him yes. However I was not in love with him. But there was something that I was attracted to. After I said yes I didn’t see him for once. When I was going to sleep I thought about him. not in a way of having an affair or kissing him or marrying him but I was dreaming about something which I was attracted to.
One day I remember calling him when I went to my friend’s place. He answered and I remember him telling that he is on his way to somewhere. That’s all. I kept the phone as soon as I realized my friend’s mom was eavesdropping. That’s the only time we talked over the phone. I remember another incident where I went to bed and I was thinking about honeymoon with him. But I never ever had any feelings towards him. I know that. I was thinking about honeymoon because that day as teenagers, me and my friends discovered about sexual intercourse. Lol. we discussed about it at school. On the same day when I went to bed I had an image of having sex with that guy. But I never had any feelings. But I was thrilled.
On another day I remembered that I promised him something. He told me to keep my hand on his in order to promise. I kept my hand on his for like a second and I went away. I really don’t even remember what the promise was. But when I came home I was thinking about it. I replayed that incident, how I kept my hand on his by putting my left hand on my right hand.
I didn’t tell my boyfriend about this because there was nothing to tell and I knew there was no affair between that guy and me. I was really immature. This one is my love. I feel it. I told my boyfriend “You are my first love and my first affair”.
When my OCD kicked in, All these memories were flooding back and it makes me think that I had an affair with a guy and I didn’t tell him because maybe there was some sort of a relationship with that guy. OCD makes me confess these memories to him. I told my bf that he is my first everything and ocd is telling me NO!! you had an affair with that guy. He is your first love and first affair. This one is the second. I feel like I lied to my bf and I feel guilty. OCD makes me think “you thought about honeymoon with that guy, so you were in love with him” “So he is your first love” and “You touched his hand and was thinking about it when you came home” “So you really had an affair with him”
BTW I said yes to that guy on a particular day and I never contacted him and all the things ended within a month or two. See, I don’t even remember the exact dates. But I remember all the details about my relationship with my love.
BUT still ocd makes me think that guy is my first love and my first affair and I didn’t tell these because I really had a relationship with that guy so I should confess all these to my boyfriend.
PLEAS HELP!!! I’m going crazy!! I don’t know what is real!! Now I’m confused with these thoughts! I don’t know what’s real anymore!!