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TOCD Help

Hello,

I could really use some help right now.

I've always suffered from OCD for as long as I can remember. When I was a child, I was afraid of germs and would feel uncomfortable going out to the mall for fear of contamination. Later in my teenage years I developed panic attacks and got treatment to identify the causes and how to combat these horrible feelings.

At 17 years old my life was forever altered. I developed a fear that I was a gay and entered an internal battle which still haunts me to this day (12 years later). I was disgusted by these thoughts as I never wanted to feel this way and I sought help and began treatment. There was a period where I found my old self, however, that was short lived and I relapsed and have struggled for a long time with this disease.

Last week I talked to a co-worker who mentioned that he has questioned his gender identify from the age of 10 and is seeking therapy to change his orientation. This simple statement has turned my life upside down. I now fear that I am a woman trapped in a man's body and this this has sent me into severe anxiety and panic. I feel extremely ill that this could happen to me and that my entire life has been a fraud.

The thought will not leave my head (even though I have never questioned my gender orientation in 29 years) and these are some of the symptoms I have:

-Afraid to look in the mirror because I don't like what I see
-Going to public places and seeing men who are masculine and determining that I am more feminine
-Reviewing my lifestyle (I've always been sensitive and at certain points in life have said that I need to be more aggressive and don't display typical male characteristics
-Looking at woman and questioning whether I am attracted to them or want to be them
-Afraid to put on my clothes (this concerns me the most. It seems that I have lost the ability to be a man and somehow desire women's clothing)

I am extremely upset and don't know how to function anymore. I never thought about this until my co-worker shared his story. What bothers me right now is that I don't feel appropriately repulsed by these feelings. Basically that this was an epiphany moment and I've found the root cause of all my problems.

I really could use some advice and guidance. Is this TOCD or am I realizing that I am a woman?

Thanks.    
12 Responses
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Avatar universal
Well it’s up to you because A. I’m actually suffering from HOCD and TOCD despite being gender non-binary under the cisgender umbrella However when these things started bothering me it actually becomes a hormonal issue dropping my testosterone level like it was prior. Namely I was hairy however I sort of don’t know my hormonal level. Testosterone and brain operation go hand and hand via androgens because it affects imagination in ones head. The best thing is that to look back a little bit in memory and see who you really are. On the other hand you need to crucially be truthful to yourself in order for these thoughts to at least cease a little. For example if you’re gender non-binary that’s fine but again it’s up to you
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Avatar universal
I've been watching videos for over a week now and it doesn't seem to be helping. My next appointment is in a couple of weeks and I've been considering medication. My therapist and I are going to discuss options at the next meeting.  

I really don't know what to believe. My life feels empty and incomplete and I hate not knowing myself anymore. I don't look in the mirror and one of the worst parts is when I go to shower I keep thinking that this isn't me and I don't know if I like my body parts anymore. I keep picturing myself as a member of the opposite sex and I can't tell if I really want it or not. I want to be repulsed and afraid so that I can confirm it's truly OCD.

It's so hard to believe this has happened. How can you go from never questioning your orientation to all of the sudden changing? My days contain doubt and mental questioning and I can never figure things out. I keep saying that I wish I wasn't trans, but it's hard to believe when I feel like this. Do I really not want to be trans or do I fear the social stigma?

I keep reading trans OCD stories and most people can 100% say that this isn't them. I feel like I'm not as certain :(    
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
I have the same feeling doode but only for 4 month I was very confuse and the reason behind my hocd and tocd is

That I am a guy who love girls the core of my heart I was so into her porns and stuff so I like to know their sex feeling two
So I start mastubate thinking that iam a girl i I meant  that girl whom I I intrested in porn


At 14 15 age but at the age of 20 I get anxity and then hocd and tocd because of this and tocd is just hell  I never went to a therapist and get out from my own you know how

I just searched about trans people and I found they are like that from their own childhood at the age of 4 and 5 they want to became a girl
And they are fully girl

And iam diffrent i just want to know those plessure  because i like girls so much

That's it  and life is short I want to became a billioner I dont wanna waste my time in this **** the fact is if I was gay or trans I never get anxity and fears  when I think about them
And one more thing they are also confused and in dipration but the reason is diffrent they know they are from child hood

That's  it you r man that's a blessing from god do t waste your time in this ****
1699033 tn?1514113133
Hi there....I'm not a therapist so I have to defer to your therapist.  But I will tell you that I had harm OCD and part of my therapy was imagining those scenarios every day in my mind (dark room, closed eyes, playing out the scenarios) and what I realized after a while is that person isn't me.  And yes, you want to get to the point that the thought bores you.  When it bores you, you no longer fear it, and when you don't fear the thought it will go away.  

You say it isn't going well.  How long have you been watching the videos and when is your next appointment?  
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Avatar universal
Hello,

Just thought I would provide an update regarding my situation. I went to therapy for a couple of sessions and have begun CBT treatment. I was hoping to get reassurance that I wasn't transgendered but my therapist never gave me a 100% answer other than the fact that I have a history of OCD.  

I have been assigned "homework" which involves watching videos and reading forums about Transgender experiences. The goal is to elevate your anxiety and eventually become desensitized to the fear.

To be completely honest, it has not been going well. I force myself to watch the videos for approximately 30 minutes and feel uncomfortable listening and watching. My anxiety does not get to panic attack levels (which is a bit concerning) while doing the exercises. Where I'm struggling right now is what I call the post homework phase. After watching the videos or reading the stories, I feel sad and depressed and my mind constantly latches on to items that I heard/saw.

I'm not sure how much value these exercises are providing as I feel worse. Does this mean that I'm trans and have to accept this path? The one good thing is that most people said they felt different and didn't like their bodies from a very young age. My story is different as I was happy with who I was (at least I hope) until very recently. I never questioned my gender orientation as a child or during puberty.

I really don't know what to do. Do I continue watching videos that are making me feel sad and cause nothing but questions? Or do I simply try other methods? This is really hard as I'm so confused. I hope I'm not trans but I really don't know anymore.
  
Helpful - 0
2 Comments
How are you now?I also suffer from tocd
Hi GaryBobby10.  Why don't you start your own thread, we can discuss what is going on with you further.  I hate to hear anyone having issues like that.  Are you working with a therapist?
1699033 tn?1514113133
Or a sign that you are simply too tired to care anymore what your brain says.  

Did you see the specials on TV (I assume you are from the states) about transgender children?  These kids knew from the outset that they were different.  They knew they were trapped in the wrong body.  You don't have to be an adult to figure it out and to feel different.  I guess my point is that I think you would have known long ago if you were transgender.  

These are the facts:  
You have OCD.  
Germs
Panic Attacks
HOCD
and now TOCD

Why do you think this thought is any different from the others?  The reality is that it isn't.  They are all fall under the same umbrella (irrational thinking).  Now if you came on here and said you had absolutely no history of OCD and you were wondering about being transgender, then I may think differently with a "maybe" thought but not with your background.  I have been there and I'm not gay.  

let me know how your therapy goes.

Take care of you!  
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Avatar universal
Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm going to see my therapist on Tuesday (and hopefully get some strategies, or at the very least confirm that I have TOCD)

Today was a weird day for me. The extreme panic and fear/constant desperation is longer with me, however, I still have doubts and every woman I see makes me question myself. The lack of fear is concerning as it sends a trigger indicating that something is wrong since I don't seem as bothered.

I kind of wish I would get the fear and anxiety to return as a way to confirm that I don't want to be transgendered. My mind doesn't seem as bothered right now and it is concerning me. I've even pictured myself as a woman and didn't get much anxiety. I don't know what to think anymore :( Perhaps this is a sign that I was mean to be transgendered....
Helpful - 0
1699033 tn?1514113133
Also, I liked this book a lot if you want to give it a read

Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Are you still seeing your therapist?  
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Avatar universal
Thanks, I'm hoping that I can get help and beat this. I'm just feeling really defeated and down right now. It's so hard to tell what's real and fake and every day seems to be a mental struggle.

I'm still hoping that I'm not transgendered, but when I go out in public my mind focusses in on members of the opposite sex and I feel like I want to be a woman. Seeing males makes me believe I'm not worthy enough to be a man. I'm also having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and keep thinking that I don't want to be me anymore.

Anyways, I appreciate your comments. It's been nice to have some support.  
Helpful - 0
1699033 tn?1514113133
I have only had HOCD...not TOCD but honestly it is no different at all.  It is just one more thought that you have come up with to plague yourself with all because somebody made a comment.  Anywhere an OCD person hears is fodder for our minds.  We never know what it is going to latch on to to drive us crazy with.  

CBT is great but sometimes you do need to couple it with medication.  Medication works great but sometimes you need a CBT boost with it.  So the combination is very powerful.  I would discuss with your therapist.  

Incidentally, I take medication and have been on it for about 6 or 7 years now.  Before that I took it, got off it, took it again and then off for quite a while just relying on my CBT but then stressers became too much and I went back on this final time and I have no plans to ever go off again.  
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Avatar universal
Hi,

Thank you for the response. It means a lot to me.

I have been exposed to CBT therapy in the past as this was the best course of action as per my psychologist's recommendation. I understand the effectiveness of the treatment as you are exposing yourself to the fear, however, I've never had 100% success with HOCD.

I've never tried medication as I'm a bit reluctant to take drugs and have heard mixed results regarding their effectiveness (I also have fears about some of the side effects). I'm certainly open to the idea of medication if it can help.

One of my biggest concerns right now is that I haven't found a lot of posts on TOCD. With HOCD there seemed to be a wealth of information available and I could relate to many shared experiences.

I realize that I shouldn't be seeking reassurance, as this is not the best course of action, but I would really like some questions answered since I haven't found a lot of posts on this particular topic:

-Does TOCD include observing members of the same and opposite sex? (i.e. seeing a man and not feeling "manly enough" or seeing an attractive member of the opposite sex and feeling that you want to be them?
-Looking in the mirror and trying to determine if you like your physical characteristics?
-Not experiencing "appropriate" levels of anxiety when thinking about being transgendered. Sometimes my mind feels at ease and that I've found my true self

If it is indeed OCD (which I hope it is), I realize that reassurance seeking is wrong, but I would like to know if other people have experienced the same types of feelings.  

Thanks.    

Helpful - 0
1699033 tn?1514113133
First of all you have a history of OCD.  TOCD is no different than the HOCD you suffered from.  All are part and parcel to OCD irrational thinking.  If you have been suffering for this long, you need to go back into therapy and learn CBT.  Did you ever learn that from a psychologist?  Also, medications work well and I wonder if you have ever tried them?  
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