The Nightmare Continues (HOCD)

[wonder923]

Hi-
This isn't really a question as much as a desperate call for support. I've come to the realization that these thoughts will be with me forever. I'm scared when I lose my virginity I'll have intrusive thoughts. I'm scared I'll be questioning which gender I like as I walk down the isle. This questioning and confusion is the purest form of hell, and I live it every day. If I wasn't such a skeptic of the afterlife and worried so much about my friends and family I might seriously consider killing myself. I have done some pretty gay things with my friends (skinny dipping, streaking in the backyard, even taking group showers), but I've never been turned on once. Those things we do are just our fun hangout sessions, and we actually talk about boys when it's happening. The only time I've ever might have been turned on is when I literally ask myself "Am I turned on right now?" And force my eyes to land on a butt or a pair of boobs, and felt something down there, along with a healthy dose of worry and stress along with it. Never been "hot and bothered" around girls, never had the butterflies for them either. HOCD has also started to cloud my memories. I've analyzed them so many times they simply don't affect me anymore and they've been smeared into a thick fog, erasing vital details for my HOCD to feed off of (which I guess is a good thing). I remember the first time I fell in love (or just got a crush- I have no idea since I'm only 13). A skit was performed at camp one year where essentially one of the boys taking part in it ended up with no clothes on except for a towel around his waist. As soon as he came out with his shirtless body, I thrust my face into my gloved hands on instinct (I was only 11). But I immediately felt my face heat up and my heart pound in my chest. I was in a drunken haze the rest of the night, and I remember just wanting to get back to my cot as soon as possible so I could be alone with my thoughts and picture the boy forever. I still have a crush on him, but HOCD gets in the way, and I question if I even still like him. I hate this. It's slowly ruining my life. I feel as thought these waves of confusion and worry will be with me the rest of my life, and I'll never be truly happy again. I can only hope to subdue the thoughts so I can feel happy enough

[wonder923]

Hi all,
I'm so sorry I didn't get back to you. I just uploaded a journal entry explaining everything. Thank you so much for your support

[JGF25]

I have posted a video that you may find useful and have bumped it up to the top of the page.  It does having cussing at the end so if you are not into that, you can stop watching after her 1st "post".  She comes back for a few minutes at the end and then the cussing begins.  She specifically talks about HOCD and her battle with it and how she is better now.  

[MYY801]

This is almost exactly what is happening to me! It's so scary and I have no clue what to even do anymore and my mother won't listen to me about me having OCD (she thinks I can stop thinking about it). It's honestly a living hell and I don't even know what is real because it all feels so real to the point I don't want to live anymore. I'm stuck in my brain and I'm scared that these thoughts will become so bad that my grades slip or something and I can't have that. I'm losing myself in the process of all of this. I don't even want to like girls and I know for a fact I use to like boys but now it's like "did that even happen? Did I even like boys or did I just do that because I thought that was my only choice". I'm sure I genuinely liked boys before all of this but with the loss of attraction and the fact I can't even look a girl in the face without getting this weird pulsing feeling from my mouth that makes me feel like I want to kiss them but I don't?? It's a serious nightmare...whenever I say a guy is hot it seems like I'm lying to myself but in not...right? I'm scared I might've been bi all along and didn't know or maybe I'm just denying it ugh.
You'll get through this; I'm sure your therapist is really helping you I hope :)

[JGF25]

I have just been turned on to some videos on YouTube where people discuss their OCD and how it has affected them and what they have done to help themselves.  It may also be worth a look.  

[123tushar07]

Please take professional help, than just fighting alone,ocd is not curable but it is treatable, you have to consult a psychiatrist for medicine and psychologist for cognitive behavior therapy consisting of exposures

[wonder923]

Thank you for saying all that- I've just come to a point where the HOCD has just mixed everything around in my brain to the point where I want to say I don't even know who I like anymore. I'll often not feel any attraction towards any guys (even though I definitely have) and I'll occasionally be turned on by women (on TV, pictures, etc) even though I know this will happen to heterosexual women. I cannot express how much I fear the thought of even being in the middle of the spectrum. I'm taking a light dose of medication that does seem to take the edge off of my emotions (aka feeling numb as hell) but I still have watered down versions of "spikes". There's also triggers everywhere. I'm in a all-girl friend group of 6 (including myself) and so far three of those people have admitted to being attracted to girls one way or another, and I'm predicting a fourth (I've seen some glances exchanged between her and her close friend when the subject of sexual orientation comes up). I am so happy they feel comfterable in their own skin and I support them in every way I can, but it's nothing but triggers for me, and I hate that my HOCD gets in the way of supporting my friends. I don't know, there's a lot going on and I know HOCD is for life, which makes me feel very very helpless. Thank you for talking with me

[bringmejoy]

im going through a very similar thing, you are not alone in this. one thing that's horrible for me is that these thoughts have become a habit and its so hard to break a habit. it will get better though! even though i still have moments of anxiety and stress, i do have moments of clarity that are starting to get longer. try not to worry about intrusive thoughts when you're with a boy, worrying about that will only bring them on. just remember that these thoughts are just thoughts, you can think about killing a dog - doesnt mean you want to do it. in the same way you can think about being with a girl, doesnt mean you want to. expose yourself to the things that make you anxious and write down your anxiety levels throughout the process. they may start high at 100%, but you'll see that throughout the process it should decrease. doing things like this can help to take the worry away so the thoughts no longer bother you. keep my posted because i feel like we could help each other out.

[wonder923]

Please somebody answer me... I'm so scared. I have friends who are coming out as bicurious, pansexual, fluid, etc. left and right and all it's doing is triggering my HOCD. I'm scared I'm just bicurious and that I'm not accepting it. I'm so scared and I hate everything and it's so painful thinking about this every second of the day and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to like girls. Not because Im afraid people won't accept me (because I know they would) but something inside of me is just rejecting the mere concept of finding girls sexually attractive. Please reply. Please help