false memories, pocd. can someone please help me i cant remember what ive done.

[idkreallywow8]

hello there. im a 14 year old female currently suffering with what i think is ocd. i suffer themes of harm ocd, pedophile ocd, sexuality ocd, incest ocd, even religious ocd.

currently my biggest struggle is pocd, and a current possible false memory i have.

it was a couple months ago, where i remember possibly touching my baby cousin. i was only nine or ten at the time, she was 10 months old i assume? i cant really rememeber the scenario or why and if i did it? but i remember lightly tapping her private area? she was wearing a nappy i think, or she was clothed. i cant remember if i was angry cause they were misbehaving or i just cant remember the emotion while doing this, but i cant remember it being sexual in the slightest cause again i was only 10. then i feel like later on that day i remember her making a sad face at me, cause id touched her there. it was not sexual though and most definitely not aggressive. but i cant seem to remember why i did it. i think i did do it, but i cant remember the details about it. im scared that i may have actually meant it but blocked it out of my memory cause i felt bad but now i deserve to be punished for it or something. im in a constant cycle of anxious loop thinking. ive had this thought before but its just come back again recently, its just i feel so bad and guilty cause i know i wouldnt do that now, i would never harm a child in any way, and i know i wouldnt. i did it in the moment. but i just cant understand why? im so annoyed and frustrated at myself. to be honest i cant even remember if i did do it. its all so blurry now. i AM seeking reassurance, its bad i know but im being tortured by my brain at the moment. i hate looking or seeing babies now. finding babies cute is a given but even my brain will transform that now, and now i just dislike the environment of children cause im scared i may have innappropriate thoughts about them.

please help me with this thought. i really am in a cycle of sadness and doubt. i cant remember what i did or why. im living in hell. i want to die. help soon please. thank you.

[specialmom]

So, at 14, you have a parent or two that can help.  Tell them that you have thoughts that scare your and you would like to speak to a psychologist.  Your mom may grill you as moms do (we get scared and think we need to know) but you can keep it vague and work with someone to help.  We all have funky thoughts.  That doesn't mean we will act on them or they control us.  Remember that.  You sound depressed sweetie.  So, talk to your mom.  If you have any true thoughts of harming yourself, please ask for help right now, today!