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fighting a losing battle

its getting worse and worse and today i feel like im fighting a losing battle with OCD. it all started about 2 years ago when i read an article about sexsomnia and a woman who had sex with strangers in her sleep without even knowing it! it scared me crazily that it could happen to me as i do occasionally (like once a yr) take recreational drugs and also drink abt once a week n it states that people who do so are more predisposed to it. i have woken up from a vivid sex dream in a house my husband and i were renting and been crazily afraid that i have done it with a stranger in my sleep. to make things worse, i also have a severe phobia of hiv and have been worried abt getting it from everything from scratches to rubbing my eyes to get this - someone contaminating my shampoo! i have gone for countless hiv tests all negative but somehow keep thinking abt this.  my greatest fear is catching it whilst sleepwalking and passing it to my husband. yes i know its crazy but i am going mad. it doesnt help that there is a creepy man in my apartment building who always stares at me and its worsening my fears that i have done something in my sleep im unaware of . i have been to a therapist to talk about my fears and it helped for a while but now its back.although my husband tells me i dont sleepwalk, somehow at the back of my mind there are so many what ifs like what if this isnt  OCD as its a possibility. i just dont know what to do anymore. im so sick n tired of living my life in fear. i have tried to calm myself down with prayer but now i find myself even questioning God, which is terrible and i dont know what to do anymore. r there anybody else like me?
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Avatar universal
Hi there...gosh i feel your torment and have been there though for different fears. I thought i had heart disease for months, then MS for many months- to the point i thought my legs were going to stop moving- terrifying, then i thought i had Motor neurone disease. All i can say is that the more i thought about it the worse it got. I found taking an antidepressant (just a small amount) helped enough to lift me from constant terror. Do see a mental health specialist as soon as you can and i wish you all the best- you will get through this!
xx
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1699033 tn?1514113133
The video camera says it all...you are thinking irrationally and need to seek treatment from a psychologist and/or psychiatrist if you think that medication is something you would like to try.  Good luck.  
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Avatar universal
Thanks guys, I tried the video cam thing for a night and when I checked out the recording frame by frame there was no sleepwalking captured. I do feel better but will periodically continue to do the video recording. Today I was overcome by a wave of  OCD thinking what if the people in my apartment have seen me sleepwalking/going into another home ? But I told myself I'm being silly and calmed myself down. Please tell me I was being irrational!
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your kind words. Its really good to know that I'm not alone in this. Like you my intense OCD over hiv is so bad that i havent had unprotected sex with my husband in months and months.  Maybe you could try to explain your OCD to your gf and let her know that you r working through it? For me, i told my husband that this is not something I want and I am not thinking abt this crazy stuff on purpose. I also told him that some days its good some days its bad but its part of me n i am dealing with it.maybe u cld show her some links on OCD too?  it takes time but im sure she will slowly get some understanding abt it. its hard for our loved ones to understand but I think at the end of the day it will be alright. I really hope everything goes well for u n i believe we can get better. hug. God bless you too!
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much everybody, I'm actually going to take your suggestions to use the video cam (in a couple of days when i muster up my courage! ehehe!) i will use my laptops webcam to do so... will keep u guys posted on the footage, hopefully all is well!
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Actually, I think the camera is a great idea.  Thanks for suggesting it FightagainstOCD.  Use it for just a couple of days so that you can see that you are not sleepwalking and then put it away and concentrate on getting a handle on the irrational thinking.  

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
There are many people with that particular type of OCD related issue.HIV.It's a biggy but it can be dealt with.I did it by working as a support worker and caring for HIV+ people and people who had the HCV aswell.A type of exposure therapy but it's not suited to everyone.Meds and CBT work aswell.Try what's best for you.
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Avatar universal
I understand when you say your husband gets irritated or angry when you bring the sleep walking topic again. I have the same problem too. I have the biggest OCD on HIV and I fear everyday. Last Night I didn't want to have sex with my gf as I was lil uncomfortable and she was offended. We had a fight and she was mad at me. She thinks that I am not attracted to her and do not want her. But the reality is I am scared to have sex sometimes.

I do not know how to explain her, I have tried every possible way and I am scared some time since I deny sex she might find some one else. But I am not helping her situation as I am very inconsistent with it. Somedays I feel comfortable and have it and some days not. So she is very mad at me.

I hope I can talk to her and her explain what is going through my mind. I hope we will all get better someday. I am on medication and have started my CBT therapy too.

I totally understand your situation. If in case you are getting too panicked about the sleep walking, try turning on a camera when you are sleeping and then look into the video if you ever sleep walking. Try thins for few days and then stop recording. This might help to prove to yourself that you are not sleep walking.

I am not sure if I am giving you the right advice. Because it is not good to give up and surrender to OCD But my advice is for people with OCD no body can convince them unless themselves. So when you looka t your video for few days you will slowly start getting convinced that you are not sleepwalking.

Hope you start feeling better soon. GOD BLESS!
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Avatar universal
You can do it.Don't ever let OCD win because that's what it wants.Never give up.Tell the OCD where to go and rise above.You have the right procedures in place now so you are already half way there.Keep up the top work.
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Avatar universal
Thanks so much guys, i really feel much better nw . Had a long talk with my husband  n i am goin to get the ocd workbook.am eally going to work hard at beating this dreadful ocd, i know ican do it ! :)
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1699033 tn?1514113133
I think you need to call the therapist again and make an appointment.  This has obviously gotten out of your control and you don't seem to have the necessary cognitivite behavioral techniques to help yourself.  If your therapist doesn't teach CBT, then you need to find one that does.  CBT is very, very critical in your case because medication looks like it is not an option.  

It is very hard on significant others becuase they don't understand.  They don't want to have to reassure, reassure, and then reassure again.  It becomes exhaustive for them and for you.  The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has a section in it that explains what OCD is.  The book will also teach you some CBT technqiues.  I don't remember if you have this book or not.  If you do, then pick it up and start using it.  If not, then try very hard to get it.  

Have your husband read the sections that pertain to significant others.  You are spiraling downward and you really need to be proactive and get the help you need.  We can't fix you.  We can only reassure you that these thoughts are irrational.  

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Avatar universal
Your husband should be more supportive because this is obviously affecting your life in a big way.I remember when I was a child I use to have shocking night terrors/nightmares and I would try so hard to wake up or move but I was frozen with fear,it was awful.Thank goodness after a few years it passed.I hope you get better.
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Avatar universal
Yes i was half awake n cldnt mve ive had this before n ive read n hearrd tt its very common .tryin to rationalise nw, am in tears cos my husband is angry at me for bringin this sleepwalking thing up again n again :(
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1699033 tn?1514113133
What do you mean by sleep paralysis?  You woke up and you couldn't move at all?
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Avatar universal
sigh this morn i woke up frm a bad dream with sleep paralysis. am really freakin out nw.does sleep paralysis cause sleepwalkin????" im so scared now
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Avatar universal
Thanks guys u have really been helpful. Sigh, I was better for e past couple of days but today itsback again. :( LAst night i rem goin to sleep feelin annoyed at my neighbour for slamming his door late at night then this morning my husband left fr work early at 8am . I slept  till abt 10 during which i had a bunch of dreams i cant rem so clearly but one was a sex dream that involved me gointo e shower afterwards . I checked but my e chair i left to blockmy room door was still there. Do u think i cld have sleptwalked because of goin o bed feelin angry? This is like a continuous nightmare:(
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1699033 tn?1514113133
To answer your first question, there are a whole host of anti-depressants out there that work for OCD but if you have had past issues with drugs then probably best to stay away from them and get a handle on the OCD using cognitive behavioral therapy which your therapist can teach you.  Plenty of people use only this method with success.

As for creepy guy...he probably is just that, creepy.  Plenty of guys and girls out there that give people the willies.  Just part of life.  He just may think you are pretty and wants a look...looking isn't breaking the law so we all have to put up with that..both guys and girls.  

I would have probably told my husband "see honey I still have it so you better be damn happy you got me."  LOL
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Avatar universal
as for the creepy guy, i never even noticed it till my husband pointed it out when he was really creepily staring at me, then i started noticing that I always see him at the bus stop in e morning and even take the same bus as him! once on my way back from work he was walking in front of me and then jst stopped in e middle of the path to fiddle with his phone and he looked up when I walked past. You can imagine how that has heightened my OCD. but I guess I cant be imagining things abt every creepy stary guy cos there are tonnes of those around right???? r my fears unfounded?
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much, I really do feel a lot better now and will listen to your advice. I am not on any medication for OCD, as I am afraid that it could cause sleepwalking... yikes! Several years ago, I also had some issues with recreational drugs but have been clean and healthy for a long time and I suppose part of me is afraid of being on medication now? What medications work for OCD and how do they work?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
With the sleepwalking the only concern would be not being in control of the situation maybe,that's something you have to speak to a professional about.I think many people have a fear of HIV and we are not alone there but if you learn about the modees of transmission and even have some exposure therapy then the fear is reduced.I know what you mean about one trial being over and another begins,that's the whole OCD process.It's like a vicious circle.We all what to be normal again and it's possible.I don't think you should worry about the sexsomnia but I'm no doctor so if you need reasurance on that issue then you need to consult a doctor.I wish it all goes well for you.
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1699033 tn?1514113133
Let's just say for a moment that you do sleepwalk, sexsomnia, when it occurs usually occurs with the partner you are sleeping next to.  It is very, very rare to sleepwalk and have sex with strangers.  The chances are miniscule.  Also, your husband says you don't sleepwalk so that is the answer to your irrational thought.  You are not a sleepwalker, therefore you could not be having sex with strangers.  Maybe this "creepy" guy is looking at you because you are looking at him because you have this irrational thought you slept with him.  Never happened.  

Unfortunately, when OCD is in our lives the things we read and see can sometimes trigger irrational thinking.  This is what happened in your case.  When this does occur, you need to nip it right away.  If you read it and a what-if thought comes into your head, counter it with fact right away.  Don't let it take on a life of its own by feeding into it.  Tell yourself it is absurd, ridiculous, and move on.

I know you are tired of fighting OCD...do you take medication for it?  
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Avatar universal
sorry for posting twice! was just afraid it would be missed.
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Avatar universal
Thank u so much for your kind support, your words have given me strength over the months. I am so tired of conveying my fears to my husband because I know that he worries about me a lot. The medhelp forums have been a real comfort for me. Could I also please have your opinion on the whole sleepwalking thing? I have sleptwalked before as a child and do sleep talk once in a while but for years and years nobody has ever told me that I am a sleepwalker, plus I am a very very light sleeper. Should I be worried about the whole sexsomnia thing? The worst part abt OCD is that my brain always somehow finds loopholes to make me fear abt HIV. When one trial is over, another begins. I just want to be normal again.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank u so much for your kind support, your words have given me strength over the months. I am so tired of conveying my fears to my husband because I know that he worries about me a lot. The medhelp forums have been a real comfort for me. Could I also please have your opinion on the whole sleepwalking thing? I have sleptwalked before as a child and do sleep talk once in a while but for years and years nobody has ever told me that I am a sleepwalker, plus I am a very very light sleeper. Should I be worried about the whole sexsomnia thing? The worst part abt OCD is that my brain always somehow finds loopholes to make me fear abt HIV. When one trial is over, another begins. I just want to be normal again.
Helpful - 0
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