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Avatar universal

hocd or gay??

okay so I'm a girl. whenever I have tried to date a guy it's fine at first but then I all of a sudden get a weird feeling in my stomach that won't go away until the relationship. until almost a year ago I fell hard for this guy and we dated and it felt right but we ended badly. I still miss him. anyway, I tried hooking up with guys after (just kiss) but the first guy when we made out I kind of just wanted it to end. I felt uncomfortable. (i think he has a nice body but he is unattractive to me) and then the second guy we met at a party and flirted he whole time and I just wanted to be around him and it was so much fun and he kissed me goodnight but once we started to be a couple I ended it becuase I didn't like it. it didn't feel right for some reason. so all of a sudden I went into panic mode
thinking I'm a lesbian or at least bi. I always look at pretty girls and I look at their butts but I don't want to actually touch them or anything. I tried thinking of being with a girl sexually and it makes me so grossed out. but when I'm in public I notice more good looking girls than guys. I can only see myself with a guy especially married with one and with kids. I'm now uncomfortable to be around my girl friends becuase I don't know if I'm attracted to them or if I just look at bodies and it doesn't mean anything. I always want to be texting a hot guy and I never text girls becuase I don't care if I talk to one or not. I can't see myself with a girl and I can't even get myself to experiment becuase it grosses me out but I've been so obsessed with the fact I think I'm a lesbian. I've been nonstop researching this and it looks like I'm gay but I don't want to be. the idea is freaking me out. I want to be straight and nothing else. I've been taking quizzes and everything. when I look up things about lesbians I have the same denial and stuff as lesbians do. I can't sleep at night becuase this is all I think about. I had a dream my girl friend kissed my chin close to my lips and i got freaked out in the dream along with real life thinking about the fact I had that dream. I came upon this hocd thing I thought maybe it's possible I have it? but I don't have any other ocd do idk if I could have it. I'm not stop worrying about the fact I might be lesbian it makes me sick. being around girls makes me uncomfortable now and I'm trying everything to prove to myself Im straight but idk if I am. I'm attracted to looking at girls and that's what freaks me out the most along with the fact that kissing hot guys to get over my ex I hated. I just wanted the kissing to end. everyone on the internet says that would make a girl lesbian. I only see myself having sex with a man (which I've never done before) but I'm scared i won't get turned on enough to *** or anything. I am nonstop googling it and worrying about it. please please help me. I think I'm gay but I would rather almost be dead than gay becuase the idea grosses me out so much. thank you and sorry this was so long!
also I've always only wanted to impress guys. whenever a guy gives me compliments or a guy asks for my number I blush and get all excited! if a girl did that I would run away as fast as possible. but maybe I'm bi??
and I'm 16. I just want these thoughts gone. without make up I feel like I must look like a lesbian. I dress like a normal girl and do my hair. but all I can do it look at girls recently and I hate it. I want it to stop. I've been turned on if like in a music video a girl twerks or something but I would never just look at a girl and want her to take her clothes off. no thanks. I want their clothes on but if they have leggings or something I can't stop looking! I'm also obsessed with what my body looks like as well as my butt and stomach just like I'm obsessed with other girls butts and stomachs. I don't get turned on by penises like some of my friends do. I don't like nudes from guys but I like them in boxers. I just want to be straight and be happy and live again! I really hope it's some how hocd. but idk becuase I don't have ocd. recently I've been looking at girls instead of guys but I don't want to! and I only see myself with a guy. not a girl. I can't even get myself to experiment it grosses me out.
when I'm not thinking about it I'm happy like so happy and when I came across a post (after obviously looking up lesbian posts and questions) I smiled and basically laughed becuase I got so happy! like a huge relief! if I'm on a guys Instagram I always go to the pictures where he's with girls. idk why. I just do. idk what to do and I'm freaking out!

also when I was with the bf that ended badly I always wanted kisses from him and got butterflies all the time.
5 Responses
9784446 tn?1421337046
It looks like you are suffering from hocd which is a form of ocd, but we cannot diagnose you here, you will have to consult a psychiatrist for proper diagnosis and medication.
Avatar universal
Hi, yes I can't diagnose you but hopefully i can help. I know exactly how you're feeling, I've been there before and at some times i still am in your situation. all ocd is based around is uncertainty, doubt and fear. it can be scary to think that something so fundamentally simple as your sexuality is not as you expected, and the uncertainty is what causes the obsession because your mind will do whatever it can to doubt yourself. the first thing you should do is stop trying to argue with the thought that tells you you are gay. just leave it be. if it tells you you're bi, agree with it. it sounds like the wrong thing to do but you need to become less scared of the thought. there is no point in telling yourself that you're straight because you'll always find a loophole. learn to adapt to a life that isn't certain. keep posting if you need some more help because i know consulting a psychiatrist is not always possible for some people, although it would be a good solution, and try not to google things. google can be your worst enemy with this ocd because it will just take you round and round in circles. and try not to come on here too much either because it will only give you sort term relief.
Avatar universal
I don't want to be okay with calling myself bi. I'm scared that I'll even get used to hearing that word and categorize myself as that. I don't want to be. I only see myself with a man in the future but I always pretty girls but I think it might just be because girls are always wearing make up and stuff? I'm so obsessed with if I look good and what my body looks like that maybe that's why i look at other girls bodies? I've only ever had crushes on guys and I get so emotionally attached to guys but I can't just get turned on by a picture of a hot guy but I can with a girl and that's what scares me the most. like does that just happen sometimes? I only want sex with a guy. a girl naked would be gross. I can't even try to picture myself doing that. recently if a hang out with a girl friend, I'm fine hangout with them like I used to be but then something will make me think of the idea of kissing someone so then I get freaked out and can't stop thinking about it and I don't enjoy hanging out until the thought goes away and then I'm happy. I phsych my selves into things a lot and I think that may be the problem except for the turning on thing is what makes me have my doubts?? ik so confused! I just want it to end! thank you for your time
Avatar universal
It's completely normal to think someone of the same sex is good looking. So don't worry about that at all, to the best of my knowledge it sounds like hocd to me. Trust me, I had hocd but after getting proper treatment I realized just how absurd the thoughts were. These thoughts can still come back to bother me if I let them, but after leaening cbt, I can control these thoughts so they don't take over
15394896 tn?1468594627
ok..listen the thing is in your head...bi is not a bad idea ..but i think being a lesbian will not and cannot  satisify a girl....i just want a penis in order to get satisfaction....the feeling of taking it inside me...gives me relaxation...something that i cant explain..ok that is normal..but weird thing is i love the butt of my boyfriend..i love the heavy back of guys...even my little bro..he is so cute with his back and my boyfriend too....this is weird na??
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