okay so here it goes.
Im a girl in my teen years and no one in my family has had ocd that I know of.
for the past few months anxiety keeps growing about the fact I might be gay. I've never been diagnosed with anxiety or anything I never thought it necessary to tell my mom but I do get anxiety if for instance I hear we are going to run a mile in gym I get all flustered and panicky. like not just that I'm scared or something but I get freaked out and idk why. I get freaked out that I will get called on in class and stuff but that's normal.
anyways I've always been like oh good for gays for being able to come out and stuff like that and never saw a problem. but multiple years ago, I was about 14 and i all of a sudden started thinking I might be gay because sometimes I would like at a girls butt or something so I looked it up and people were like at that age you're growing and developing and stuff and it's normal to look at other girls almost as comparing. I still had some doubt but I was like yeah that has to be it considering I've always had huge crushes on boys in my class and never a girl. already by that time, every time I met a new friend and became bestows with them, they would end up moving within the year which was like what are they odds but it started scarring me.
anyway, I've always had problems with dating (I'm 16 now) like I would talk to a guy and want to date them but when something got as serious to the dating part i got a weird feeling and ended it and it was like something was lifted from my shoulder. that was until last year when I met this boy. when I first met him I thought he was kinda cute but nothing special until him and I started talking and stuff and I grew a huge crush he made me so happy. so we dated it felt right like I wasn't anxious about it or anything I was just happy and wanted to kiss him all the time. sometimes he would flirt with my bff (who was a girl) and i'd get so jealous and mad and broken and other stuff happened and I was so depressed and stuff and it ended. I still liked him but I tried to get over him. this cute guy came alone a couple months later and him and I were friends in 8th grade until we talked and I panicked and ended it. him and I like remet I guess you could say at this party and I started talking to him becuase I wanted to and it was fun and gave me butterflies and stuff and so we flirted the whole night and it was like I was on cloud 9 and then he kissed me at the end and it was perfect. but the next day he texted me and we started talking and after a week I got that panicky feeling again and ended it. he was awkward and an awful kisser and it didn't feel right I wasn't enjoying it. like why not he was so nice and he's hot and I didn't get why I couldn't date him,
I later on became friends with benefits with one of my close friends anthony so we made out but I kind of just wanted the kissing to end. I wasn't enjoying it. I told myself it was because we were too close so it was weird. I told myself I was comfortable with andrew becuase we were more that friends form the beginning and we weren't friends for. a year first.
anyway that's sorta what started my doubts of me being straight. I'm a girl I'm supposed to enjoy making out with a cute guy. it's not supposed to feel awkward or weird.
I got huge anxiety about it because I wanted anything else but to be lesbian. I don't have anything against lesbians or gays to reaches own but I wanted to be straight. I then started realizing I looked at girls a lot in school or when we are out and I always noticed a pretty girl and I didn't want to. still to this day (multiple months later) and when I see something sexual that a girl does I get tingly down there and it makes me uncomfortable and I squirm and I can't get turned on by looking at a guy, I try and try becuase I do not want to be gay. I've started more recently noticing every gay or lesbian person there was and then avoiding them. now it's even awakes for me to hangout with my friends that are girls becuase what if I'm a lesbian. I've had one or two dreams where I kissed a girl and freaked out in my dream and then woke up even more freaked out because I dreamed I kissed a girl. dreams are out deep desires so I have heard and I'm so scared. I'm still not over my ex form before those two guys and I can't help but look at him all the time. maybe that's why it was weird being with the two other guys?
this has become all I think about no matter what. while I'm doing school work or I stay up late just thinking about it and I hate it. I don't want to be gay but everything is pointing at it. daily I do hours of research to find out what's wrong with me, anything new but the answer you're gay or bi. I'm straight that's who I am. I can only see myself with a guy. I only want to text guys but i can't find a guy I like texting anymore. if there is a lesbian I freak out and try to avoid them. the Internet has said "experiment" but I would never be able to get myself to kiss or even touch a girl. I love flirting with guys but then why can't I stop looking at girls. I've only had real fantasies about a guy but idk what's going on. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. it has to be hocd. I am not gay I can't be. but wouldn't that just be what a gay person in denial would say? it gives me knots in my stomach and makes me feel like I'm living in a nightmare and I just want it to end. I want me back. I want to know im straight. I don't want to be lesbian. I can't be. when I dress to impress I don't care what girls think I only care about what guys think and if they look at my butt or want me or text me. I have no desire to see a girl naked. In the locker room when we are all changing I glance sometimes but I don't want to not do I want to. I also do not want them to take the undergarments off. if I see a guy without a shirt on person it's so hot but a really hot guy model in a picture doesn't do anything for me. I'm very conscious about my body image and maybe that's why I look at other girls? becuase they hips are better than mine or her stomach is flabbier than mine or I wish I had a tone stomach and nice boobs like her. I don't want to touch them or be with them. but than what's happening. I am sorry for this being so long!
also I am terrified of throw up and throwing up. if I what someone has the stomach bug or just threw up once and I obsess about it for a week or two. I will only breath out of my nose around them and i am terrified I will get it. maybe this is related?
also sometimes I phsych myself into thinking I want to throw up and then I'm like no! I'm so scared of that! why would I want to!
PLEASE HELP ME
I apologize for this being so long but I can so scared.