Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

please help me, did i sexually abuse my sister? (tw)

I'm so, so, so sorry, I know I just posted this a few days ago but I didn't get an answer, I promise I won't post this again if this one still doesn't, I'm sorry...I'm just so scared, I don't know what to do...

short version:

nono she has no idea this happened it wasn't something that was visible/etc. there was no way to tell that i was having feelings from the action. like basically we were cuddling and i went to slide away from her because i felt uncomfortable and as i pulled away it caused stimulation and i let myself linger there and enjoy the feeling for quite a few seconds (and maybe even leaned into it? but i'm not sure) instead of pulling away quickly.

i don't know if i let myself enjoy the feeling of arousal+stimulation because i just wasn't thinking and didn't realize how wrong it was or if i knew it was wrong and just didn't care?? and it's killing me...

the only thing that makes me feel remotely okay at all is that she didn't get hurt, and she has no idea that happened at all with her, so she couldn't have been hurt by it. i'm sorry if this is very confusing...

full version:

I posted here before a few months ago but I can't stop thinking about it no matter how hard I have tried, and I think I might have really done something bad and I can't breathe and I don't know what to do. I can't remember exactly what I did and it keeps changing in my memory and what I used to be sure of I'm not sure of anymore and I just don't know...I don't know anything, anymore...and everybody told me it wasn't wrong but I think I subtly twist my words into ways of making people, even me, think I did less bad than I actually did?

I was laying on my sister cuddling with her when I was eighteen, I think so, and I started getting a groinal response and I tried to sit with it and just ignore it because I'd read that you were supposed to, I think? But I couldn't stand it anymore because it made me feel so uncomfortable, so I started to pull away, but I was kind-of sliding down off of her (we were on the bed and I was sliding to the floor I guess to be silly maybe...) and as I did my groin was lined-up with her leg and the sliding motion felt good and I just let it feel good? Like I just like let myself enjoy it. And I'm not sure but I think I might've even leaned into it, like pressed into it a little? I'm pretty sure...

And I can't remember if I started to think how wrong it was and pulled away? Or if I just naturally finished sliding to the floor and THEN started thinking about how awful it was...

But like I can't remember how aware of all this I was. I think MAYBE it could be excuseable if I wasn't thinking about it like ifv I didn't realize it was wrong or something like this and I'm not sure how aware of the badness of it I was. Like did I know it was wrong and I just did it anyways? Or was I just not thinking? And I can't remember,I can't remember, I can't remember...and I've tried so hard but I can't remember...

This all only lasted a few seconds and I am fairly certain I wasn't thinking of it as sex or anything it was just kind-of like when you sit in a chair at a certain angle and it feels good, like that, I think, like I think I thought because it was all going on internally and I wasn't purposefully engaging myself or something that it was just like masturbation? But I don't know. I don't know how aware I was. Because some of my memories have me just thinking like that and some have me knowing it was wrong and doing it anyways?

And those thoughts make me feel so sick like what if I truly understood what I was doing and did it anyways...

Then I think I remember being kind-of dazed and like wondering how bad what I'd just did was? After the touch ended. And I still had like a tingling in my groin and usually when I do I just kind-of like squeeze my thighs together and I thought I shouldn't right now because that would be the worst thing, that would be so wrong but I did. (But I'm pretty certain my groin wasn't touching her anymore and I have two memories mostly, like either mostly just my upper body was touching her still? Or I was completely on the floor and like just leaning up against the bed and I squeezed my thighs then without touching her at all. But I'm not sure which one is true.)

And like I think because I don't want to have done something like that I must be trying to convince myself that what I did wasn't actually that bad. And like remember it in different ways and word it differently to make it seem less bad. I've been thinking about only this for six months so everything feels so mixed-up and I don't know what's real or how bad what I did was I'm so sorry, I know I should know better but can you please tell me...I'm sorry...

My only comforts are that it all only lasted like a few seconds I think and I didn't hurt anybody. Nobody got hurt because she didn't even know it was happening, she has no idea. And I wasn't trying to hurt her either.

I don't even know if this is OCD. Like is it all just rightful guilt and remorse? I'm so sorry if I put this in the wrong category. I'm so sorry...

Please, how bad was what I did? Is there any way I can remember it all more clearly? I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, oh God...
5 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
Sorry for my delay.  I find it hard sometimes to get on here in a timely manner and I'm the only one really answering questions.  

Listen, I'm not judging you.  A child molester does things because they are attracted to children.  Just from your guilt, I'm sure that is not the case with you.  

It really does help to talk things like this out with a psychologist.  I know you may not want to say something like this to a live person but it really would help you to understand your reaction and why you are having trouble letting it go.  

Trust me, if you were a molester you wouldn't care what you did.  So don't go thinking you are some kind of bad person.  But like I said, you do need to talk to somebody.  
Avatar universal
so you do think that what i did was wrong? i'm sorry i just need to know for sure :(

(btw i know i'm not attracted to children and that wasn't my original fear because my sister is three years older than me, my fear is rather that i've sexually abused her by having done what i did, i know her age doesn't make it better at all but i just wanted to reassure you that i didn't involve a child or anything like this :( )

1699033 tn?1514113133
There is a reason why it happened and it probably is just body chemistry, your sexual experience level even but I'm not a psychologist and I don't want to say anything other than you really should talk to someone just because you are obviously obsessing over this.  People with OCD tend to perceive things worse than they are so that is why it is important to see what a psychologist says.  
Avatar universal
i can't see a psychologist though because my parents will not let me and i'm so afraid...like i know what i did was wrong but how wrong was it...did i sexually abuse? i just don't know how to interpret what you are saying, i'm sorry...
Avatar universal
What I've learned is that part of the OCD is that Guilt is attached to it all of us have it and  you should talk to a therapist about it because it could get worse.  I think that everyone is different and our minds and bodies react differently.  You sharing this will help someone else.  And I did not read your entire post because it was long and that may be part of the reason you are not getting more feedback.  Also your OCD is partially physical but I believe that it is psychological also that is why speaking with a psychologist is so important.  I'm not a medical person and my OCD is very different from yours, but I sense your need for help.  Maybe you can tell your parents you have enormous stress and need to talk with someone.  I believe that no matter the diagnosis you should want to know from a professional.  I hope that you find a way to challenge yourself to get the best help available.  You just have to believe your worth it.
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