Is this Transsexual-OCD or did i ever have that?

[Zamyou]

Heya, so long story short...

I'm a soon 24yr old male and feeling confused despite being a typical straight guy with much sex and relationships with women before all this..

I have always had OCD themes from hypocondria to fear of societal breakdown, war, fear of vomitting and contamination fears etc.. I'm not officially diagnosed but my past therapist, psychologist, my parents and other on OCD forums say it makes sense i have sexual-OCD...

I had a bout of HOCD 3yrs ago or at least the symptom descriptions made sense : I felt a terrible anxiety over the thought that i might become gay without ever having feelings for guys or any homosexual signs. Later on i started to fear i was transsexual with even less signs of that either from my pas... now, i admit i have been love-shy and feeling like less of a man all my life and i used to be a bit sensitive too.. but i dont recall ever thinking i want to be a girl for real, if anything i've felt like i wanted to be a tough guy and envisioned my future as one.. it made me feel pride being a tough womanizer and a loving dad / husband some day.

The thing is, i have been using porn a lot since my early teens and have slowly gotten from a lot of typical straight stuff into gay porn, then to shemale porn and then into thinking about "being the girl" in porn or even crossdressing.. these things don't feel like me and make me anxious and depressed - but darn, are they addictive.. accompanied with OCD it feels very real im becoming transgender and into men.. i try to find comfort in reading stories from the web and it seems i cant relate that much with any LGBT-community but rather porn addiction and OCD makes sense.. i read that porn addiction can cause fetishes or significantly color some small kinks so i tried going on something called noFap (abstraining from porn for as long as possible to reboot ur brain to your default sexuality).. i was very surprised to find out my unwanted kinks, especially the one about "being a woman", went away and i started to feel masculine and very happy! However, i got into porn again and soon enough, i found myself watching the same old crap again...

Now the problem itself is that i used to feel panic and a lot more of anxiety before just like any other OCD sufferer.. nowadays it feels like i dont feel anxiety but when i test, it feels like "excitement" and that i would like it.. but i dont know if i really like it and i dont want to like it - it would ruin my life and i would be devastated if it became true. Thati would find out ive been in denial all these years.. that i would become what i used to fear.. i test in my head if i would like to be a hot woman and i get some tingling excitement feeling or even arousal and after that i become afraid like "wtf am i really trans or was it an OCD or porn thought?"

Why dont I fear it as much ? Am i really trans or gay or am i just sentisized to fear? Is this OCD?

[ENDFINITY]

My condition is also like you, Psychiatrist has diagnosed me with OCD and I watch shemale porn a lot but I never thought that I am woman.....from past 2 months I am questioning my gender I don't know why but I am very afraid of being Transgender

[specialmom]

So Endfinity, since you have a diagnosis from a psychiatrist for OCD, are you in treatment?  Gender confusion happens but not from watching porn.  It's usually a deeper feeling and isn't often just something that pops up but a long felt issue.  Not to say that your confusion isn't real.  But it is something to explore with a therapist. A lot of psychiatrists just manage meds these days. But a psychologist would really dig deep with what is going on.  Have you any ability to do this type of therapy?

[JGF25]

Okay...first let me say that "testing" is a big no-no for people with OCD.  All it does is keep you in the OCD loop with no way out.  

Second...porn.  I like porn too and I get sick and tired of the same old same old you know.  After a while it just isn't arousing either because it is the tireless same old thing or you have been watching the same movie over and over.  So doesn't it make sense that if you switch to a different genre of porn that it would become exciting again.  I don't think it really has anything to do with the players per se but rather the fact that it is different than the norm and therefore we want to watch.  We humans are curious creatures.  So watching gay porn or shemale porn or whatever does not make you gay or a transexual.  It just means you got bored with the other stuff.  

Having said that it seems that you are watching too much porn and that when you stopped you got decidedly better.  So why did you go back to watching it?  

Whether we are gay or not, I believe, is based in our genetics.  We are born gay or we are not.  You don't just wake up one day and become gay or decide you are not in the right body.  You have dressed up and found it is not for you.  Do you know why you did that?  Because people with OCD want closure and we will pretty much do anything to get it.  Some people have even had sex with the same sex just to see and found out it wasn't them.  Now in my opinion that is going too far but hey, I get it.  It is all about the mighty CLOSURE.  

This is just one more thought on your superhighway of OCD thinking.  So let me ask you this....what have you done to help yourself as far as seeing a psychologist and learning cognitive behavioral therapy?  Anything?  And if not, why not?  

[Zamyou]

I've tried acting like a girl and crossdressing and trying a female persona.. it didnt fill me with joy like being a masculine guy let alone feel natural.. in my natural mode i envision myself as a dude in my thoughts and in my dreams.. in my future im a dude.. the only joy i get from being a woman is the weird arousal i think porn has created or boosted an existing small kink.. i had weird sexual kinks during my teens but i didnt think those meant anything back then,