Actually Gay or Just Straight in Denial?

[Void_Walker]

Hello.

I'm a 17 year old female and as long as I can remember, the thought of being with a guy (dating and/or getting married) always made me depressed, and the idea of having s*x with a guy always scared me/made me very uncomfortable. So I just thought that I'd never get married, and I was cool with that for years.

Then a couple of years ago, I started wondering if I was gay. I realized that I had very strong romantic feelings towards one of my friends and to women in general, and really wouldn't mind being in a relationship with one. Well, more than that. I realized I actually *wanted* to have a girlfriend. It sounded so cute and warm. For the first time in my life, I was actually excited about dating or getting married! I'd daydream about it constantly, and it'd always warm my heart and make me smile. It cheered me up when life got rough, that one day I'd find the girl of my dreams.

But recently, I've started to worry : what if I actually *do* like guys? I'd always be really scared to be around them, and had really intrusive thoughts about kissing them or flirting or whatever. Growing up, I'd always avoid going around guys, or even starting friendships with them because I was worried that it would turn into something romantic. I'd never dated a guy before (bc I was so uncomfortable with the idea), so how could I really know that I'd hate it?

(Even though I really wanted to, I'd never dated a girl because I've never come out and where I live, people aren't very supportive of that kind of thing. I was terrified that people would look at me differently.)

Plus, I'd think guys were cute or hot sometimes, but that was about it. I never wanted to act on it or anything. But part of me worried that meant I was straight. And that I liked the way a musician's voice sounded, or that I liked a fictional character that happened to be a dude, and that meant I had a crush on them. And I actually started checking how I felt (mentally, emotionally, and physically, if you know what I mean) when I looked at guys and compared that to girls, to the point of that being all I could think of when I stepped outside.

Then I worried that I was avoiding guys because I knew that, deep down, I really did like them and just didn't want to admit it. But the thought of dating or marrying a guy made me feel really uncomfortable and even more depressed.

And then I didn't feel the same way about girls anymore. I wanted to like girls again. They felt safe and comforting. But I can't help but worry it was all fake, and that I really am in denial, that I'm just trying to deny that I like guys, and that every straight person goes through this.

When I give into the idea that I really am just straight, I just feel numb. I mean, guys are nice, I'm not saying they're horrible or anything, but I don't like the idea of marrying one. I don't feel excited about dating them or anything like I did about girls, and the thought of having sex with them still terrifies me. All of it terrifies me. But I keep worrying that this is really what I want. That my body is telling me this is what I want, and I'm just too scared to acknowledge it. That I've been running away from this for years, and it's finally catching up.

I want to like girls. I want to come home to a wife. But I can't help but feel like I was just faking it or that I'm not "gay" enough, and that I was lying to myself.

So, what does all this mean? Is this normal for LGBTQ people or straight people? Do I just really want to be gay because I'm in denial that I'm straight?

I just want to put all of this to rest. Please.

[specialmom]

OCD wondering about your sexual orientation really is different than wondering if you are actually gay. The intense feelings you have about it and needing to solve it now and need reassurance and mental rituals are what ocd surrounding sexual orientation are about.

I'm not going to reassure you or give you an answer. But you think about above. Let me know.