Fear I'm transgendered

[Zamyou]

Hey all,

So i will let ya know, even tho i havent been diagnosed officially with OCD, that i have had OCD / random intrusions and compulsions since i was a kid. My biggest fears have been hypocondria, blasphemy, vomitting, pedophile and homosexuality worries..  i perform a lot of rituals in my head on a daily basis.. but my latest fear is about being transgendered and it worries me to bits..

I'm really afraid that i'm one .. somehow that would feel nightmareish and ruin my life, i have a terrible anxiety.. i also fear im just in denial and that i would really enjoy being trans if i would try it.. that i just cant deal with the social stuff, about coming out etc.. and that makes me even more anxious that i really want to be a woman bcause i think about that social stuff too like a real transgendered person would.. but mostly i somehow hate the thought of me being a girl in my head, it's like an unreal feeling of sadness and anxiety.. i cant stop thinking about this sh*t, it happens against my will.. many people have told me this is just my OCD including my therapist, OCD-sufferers and even my mum..

i used to be happy being a guy, i used to enjoy going to the gym, looking cool and stylish, i liked my beard, low voice, the thought of being masculine and loved my penis.. i had fantasies of growing up as a cool stud whom women likes, being a dad etc.. i have had many girlfriends althought i have been shy around girls in general..
Still today i really enjoy these things from time to time but my mind says "im just in denial, because... " .. and recently i have started to feel anxiety over my masculinity and looks, and my brain says "you have gender dysphoria, just transition into a woman and you'll feel more appealing than you being an ugly dude"...

On my good days i feel more attractive / appealing, masculine, emotionally happy and really motivated to live my life.. and i dont have these thoughts of being trans which feels so great!
But on my bad days.. i just lay in my bed, the joy is sucked out from my life...
I look for stuff on the web hoping that something would confirm that im not trans.. i test in my head if i feel masculine or feminine, i get temporary relief if i feel masculine and if i feel like im a guy inside.. the days i feel overwhelmed by these thoughts i even start to cry because i almost feel sure im trans.. images of hot girls pop up in my head and i ask if i want them or want to look like them.. it feels so real.. i dont know what to think or feel anymore.. this started 2 years ago (I'm 23 btw..) and its like i become less and less afraid of this and soon enough i will lose my old self who had visions, dreams etc.. and become a woman (i'd rather die).. i have always felt at home in this body (even on those days i feel unappealing)..

I dont mind small occasional feminine traits in me as a guy and i have always been fine with not being overly masculine, but hell now those things scare me bcause i dont want to find indicators that im trans.. i tried a female avatar but feel mostly indifferent to nothing..
One thing keeps bugging me so much.. i get sexual arousals when i think of myself looking like a hot woman, mostly doing sexual stuff.. and on days i feel unappealing as i am, it feels like maybe i would be happier looking like a woman because they are so hot and men aren't generally appealing to me and that these sexual responses i get means something more and i should explore it..  

I try to think back constantly but i hardly find any evidence supporting my thoughts except that i used to play a lot with my girl-friends and that i was a sensitive / insecure boy. I crossdressed once as a kid but i didnt think anything of it.. i have always had insecurity issues but still would be so happy if i just woke up tomorrow with all these thoughts gone, feeling sexy and masculine etc.. but my mind tells me "maybe u just want that because it would be easier".. i feel like i would rather kill myself than become a woman..

I need ur advice.. i hope this is just OCD and that im just generally depressed or smth.. i want to be who i was before this started.. i was way happier than i am now.. i've talked with a F2M transman (who fears of NOT being a man inside) who said i dont sound like trans at all and that i dont have dysphoria.. it makes me feel better and hopeful but still it doesnt take long before i start doubting again.. please help me !!

[Zamyou]

Hey, thx for the reply..

So over these past years i have been obsesing over other stuff too and have struggled with my insecurities and other fears, no trans or gay stuff though..
she knows me well and has noticed similar patterns in my earlier issues (how i react to them and how / in what kind of situations they pop up in).. she thinks there might be something underlying coloring my OCD - i believe OCD is biological / hormonal in its root but might be something making it strong right now..  but she said to me, its propably just OCD rather than anything else..
According to her, my thoughts as i decribe them and what i say doesn't make sense to her or point to anything "real".

I have visited a psychologist too who compares my OCD themes to hypocondria - a persistent fear of getting sick.. he said i should see a difference between thoughts and emotions.. it helped, bcause i can see how these thoughts upset me althought some of them feel very real, but that there is a difference between thoughts and emotions (brain and the mind).. he also prescribed me SSRIs, i'm on Escitalopram about 20mg / day..

[JGF25]

Just a few short questions.  What does your therapist say?  Is this a psychologist?  If so, what diagnosis have they given you if it isn't OCD because it sure sounds like OCD to me.  Also, how does your therapist help you counter these thoughts?  Reassurance seeking isn't going to get you anywhere, so I'm wondering if he/she discussed this with you.