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Fear and anxiety of Hiv test
I'm a male in my early 30s and I have had fears of HIV for many years even as a virgin so much that I would not even want to kiss a girl.
The anxiety reached new heights when I finally became sexually active in my late teens. Although I always used protection and I was sleeping with 1 girl (my girlfriend) my anxiety got worse than when I was a virgin because I felt there was now a genuine reason to worry as I was now having sex. It got so bad that after 2 years of dating the same girl we stopped having sex entirely because I couldnt deal with the worries I had, I never opened up about my anxiety to her. We stayed together a little while after that and eventually broke up. I abstained for 4 years after. I was too afraid to take a test because I feared I may have been exposed while sleeping with my girlfriend although I had no valid reason to think so. I finally decided to get some help for my anxiety because I was mentally and physically wasted from this fear I carried for years. I took a test and it was negative and I felt I had wasted so many years living in fear.
I started dating and having sex again a couple of years after the test and I have always used protection. In the last 4 years I had tests almost every year which were all negative.
About four months ago I did something really foolish and my anxiety is now driving me crazy. I was having a casual drink with friends at a bar one night and it got late and they left and went home. I should have left too but I stayed and I was quite drunk. Alone at the bar a sex worker approached me selling her services. Because of my anxiety and fears I have never gotten invloved with sex workers. This time however in my drunk state I did something foolish. I felt some sort of sympathy for her at the time as I was sure she only did what she did for the money so I told her I would give her money but I didnt want anything in return just so that she wouldn't need to sleep with anyone that night. I was going to give her money just for company, she was surprised but she agreed and sat next to me and we chatted at the bar for a bit and left together and went to my house, I should not have left with her and it was a poor drunked decision. We got to my house and we chatted while I had a few beers I had at home. She asked me again if I was sure I didnt want sex, I declined and reassured her I didnt want to sleep with her, I did not even kiss her because even in that state at the back of my mind I kept reminding myself of the risks of engaging in a sexual act with her. Eventually she wanted to sleep so I told her she could sleep in my bed but I was not going to join her so she slept alone in my bed and I stayed up for 30mins to an hour finishing up my drink and I fell aslept on my couch. In the morning I woke up and woke her up, I gave her money and asked her to leave. I was now sober and I couldn't believe I brought her home with me, I was filled with regret and I have now stopped drinking.
I have been worried each day after that. Months have passed after this incident but I have become extremely worried about that night because of 2 things. The first thing is that I do not have a clear recollection of events between the time we left the bar and the time we got home. I remember leaving the bar and getting into a taxi with her and I remember everything from the time we were walking from the car to my house. Due to the alcohol I have a black out of the actual taxi trip and generally anything that happened before we got to my house. Now I wonder endlessly if (along the way) we stopped anywhere, or did anything (however unlikely), or whether she did anything deliberately to hurt me like a use a needle.
The 2nd thing is when I slept I wonder if she woke up and came to the couch and did anything to hurt me while I slept, again like use a needle. I have been stressed since that night but recently the worry has reached new crippling heights so crippling that I have not eaten anything or slept properly in days. I have completely stopped functioning and I am constantly looking for symptoms. I am filled with regret and can't function
The anxiety reached new heights when I finally became sexually active in my late teens. Although I always used protection and I was sleeping with 1 girl (my girlfriend) my anxiety got worse than when I was a virgin because I felt there was now a genuine reason to worry as I was now having sex. It got so bad that after 2 years of dating the same girl we stopped having sex entirely because I couldnt deal with the worries I had, I never opened up about my anxiety to her. We stayed together a little while after that and eventually broke up. I abstained for 4 years after. I was too afraid to take a test because I feared I may have been exposed while sleeping with my girlfriend although I had no valid reason to think so. I finally decided to get some help for my anxiety because I was mentally and physically wasted from this fear I carried for years. I took a test and it was negative and I felt I had wasted so many years living in fear.
I started dating and having sex again a couple of years after the test and I have always used protection. In the last 4 years I had tests almost every year which were all negative.
About four months ago I did something really foolish and my anxiety is now driving me crazy. I was having a casual drink with friends at a bar one night and it got late and they left and went home. I should have left too but I stayed and I was quite drunk. Alone at the bar a sex worker approached me selling her services. Because of my anxiety and fears I have never gotten invloved with sex workers. This time however in my drunk state I did something foolish. I felt some sort of sympathy for her at the time as I was sure she only did what she did for the money so I told her I would give her money but I didnt want anything in return just so that she wouldn't need to sleep with anyone that night. I was going to give her money just for company, she was surprised but she agreed and sat next to me and we chatted at the bar for a bit and left together and went to my house, I should not have left with her and it was a poor drunked decision. We got to my house and we chatted while I had a few beers I had at home. She asked me again if I was sure I didnt want sex, I declined and reassured her I didnt want to sleep with her, I did not even kiss her because even in that state at the back of my mind I kept reminding myself of the risks of engaging in a sexual act with her. Eventually she wanted to sleep so I told her she could sleep in my bed but I was not going to join her so she slept alone in my bed and I stayed up for 30mins to an hour finishing up my drink and I fell aslept on my couch. In the morning I woke up and woke her up, I gave her money and asked her to leave. I was now sober and I couldn't believe I brought her home with me, I was filled with regret and I have now stopped drinking.
I have been worried each day after that. Months have passed after this incident but I have become extremely worried about that night because of 2 things. The first thing is that I do not have a clear recollection of events between the time we left the bar and the time we got home. I remember leaving the bar and getting into a taxi with her and I remember everything from the time we were walking from the car to my house. Due to the alcohol I have a black out of the actual taxi trip and generally anything that happened before we got to my house. Now I wonder endlessly if (along the way) we stopped anywhere, or did anything (however unlikely), or whether she did anything deliberately to hurt me like a use a needle.
The 2nd thing is when I slept I wonder if she woke up and came to the couch and did anything to hurt me while I slept, again like use a needle. I have been stressed since that night but recently the worry has reached new crippling heights so crippling that I have not eaten anything or slept properly in days. I have completely stopped functioning and I am constantly looking for symptoms. I am filled with regret and can't function
First let me say that you are very articulate and I appreciate the way you have put forth the information here. Very clear and understandable as well it conveyed how anxiety affects you. I'm sorry about that as anxiety is a beast.
I know your rational side realizes this is not a realistic fear from what occurred. All CSW's don't have hiv and, in fact, are often the most protected people there are as they use condoms to protect themselves from those they sleep with. And you've certainly been told what the risks for HIV are. ONLY risks are having unprotected vaginal sex, unprotected anal sex or sharing IV drug needles that are used for injection. So, you can not get HIV from just being near someone or their being in your home or even sleeping in your bed. You were kind to her. She certainly appreciated that.
This, however, triggered a return of the anxiety beast. Have you ever talked to your doctor about anxiety? Have you considered a psychiatrist (doctor who specializes in mental health) or a psychologist (talk therapy specialist to discuss and give treatment and strategies to overcome the anxiety loop of thinking)? I don't know what kind of mental health care system exists in your location. Have you looked into what is available? Anxiety IS treatable. You sound like such a nice, thoughtful young man and I would love for you to get some help with this.
I know your rational side realizes this is not a realistic fear from what occurred. All CSW's don't have hiv and, in fact, are often the most protected people there are as they use condoms to protect themselves from those they sleep with. And you've certainly been told what the risks for HIV are. ONLY risks are having unprotected vaginal sex, unprotected anal sex or sharing IV drug needles that are used for injection. So, you can not get HIV from just being near someone or their being in your home or even sleeping in your bed. You were kind to her. She certainly appreciated that.
This, however, triggered a return of the anxiety beast. Have you ever talked to your doctor about anxiety? Have you considered a psychiatrist (doctor who specializes in mental health) or a psychologist (talk therapy specialist to discuss and give treatment and strategies to overcome the anxiety loop of thinking)? I don't know what kind of mental health care system exists in your location. Have you looked into what is available? Anxiety IS treatable. You sound like such a nice, thoughtful young man and I would love for you to get some help with this.
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Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it since I haven't had the courage to talk to someone about this is person.
I spoke to a counsellor many years back and he is the one who gave me the courage to take a test and free me after many years. My doctor at the time picked up my anxiety after my endless visits to his clinic and put me on antidepressants. I took them for a while and after some time I stopped taking them. I have managed to handle other anxiety triggers in recent years and even though the anxiety is always there it has been under control and I have been functional until this recent incident.
I wish I had just given her some money and left her there. I wish I didn't have a blackout of the trip home or I hadn't slept until she left
because I wouldn't have any questions or worries about what could have happened in these moments. This is what is driving my fear as risk factors.
I spoke to a counsellor many years back and he is the one who gave me the courage to take a test and free me after many years. My doctor at the time picked up my anxiety after my endless visits to his clinic and put me on antidepressants. I took them for a while and after some time I stopped taking them. I have managed to handle other anxiety triggers in recent years and even though the anxiety is always there it has been under control and I have been functional until this recent incident.
I wish I had just given her some money and left her there. I wish I didn't have a blackout of the trip home or I hadn't slept until she left
because I wouldn't have any questions or worries about what could have happened in these moments. This is what is driving my fear as risk factors.
Clearly, you didn't completely fix your anxiety problem. I'd recommend therapy with a psychologist who specializes in the treatment of anxiety -- most don't. You came pretty close to beating this once, you have a very good chance of beating it once and for all. Not sure I'd go the psychiatrist route and get drugs at this point, as you've learned they don't cure the illness, they just treat the symptoms. Since you seem to be functioning pretty well otherwise, I'd try the therapy first, and if at any point it gets a lot worse you can always go the medication route again. But as Mom says, anxiety is a beast, and it's come back.
Well, there are no risks for HIV. But your anxiety, whether controlled elsewhere so you think, is currently not under control overall. Perhaps other things are bothering you too and it is manifesting in this fear. I don't know. But I would readdress it even if it is the same way you did last time with antidepressants. Some only have one episode of a mental health issue but others battle it on and off during their life. There is help. You got it before, I urge you to get it again. You don't have HIV but live in fear and you know as I do, unless you address the anxiety, you'll continue to live in fear even when you know you shouldn't.
We gave conflicting advice but I don't think mine is more right or wrong than paxiled. We both are urging you to take steps to work on the underlying (and real issue) of anxiety. Whatever your country has to offer for that. Mental health systems vary by country. But this will be the best thing to get over this in both of our opinions.
Thank you both for taking the time to talk to me. I will seek help
I know it is hard. Especially when even the thought of doing that provokes anxiety but it could lead you down the path of feeling better. we're here to talk.
It is indeed difficult. I need help because I can't stop wondering if anything happened before I got home (the blackout period on the way home) and if anything happened while I slept
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