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HOCD Below rock bottom

I have HOCD (i hope) I have posted my past on here before I had a fear of my girlfriend becoming pregnant before this fear happened and that went on for two years I'm now going on one year of HOCD and It is the worst thing I have ever had to go through.Im sure any body with OCD feels the same. Ive been dating this girl for 5 years I would do anything for her. She means everything to me. Since this has happened I have lost all sexual drive and most feelings for her but i know that I love her with all my heart. Last night she came home from her college and I met her and her family to go christmas shopping. we hadn't doe this since we first started dating so I was excited to get everyone together and have a good night. Before I tell you what happened my thoughts had been more real than ever this week. I tested to gay porn and literally thought I liked it in some aspect and had a panic attack. Ive been obsessing over a Dr visit I had last ear when I thought i wanted the male Dr to touch me and i currently had the HOCD so i was testing and after months of ruminating i believe I remember having an urge to have him touch me sexually. Which still gives me panic attacks. and is causing rumination as I type. So last night we were walking down the sidewalk and i started testing. I imagined if i was receiving sex from a man. I swear to you it felt like i liked the thought. It felt like my evil twin brother came over me and was enjoying this thought and giving me this weird sexual feeling. I have been dying to just accept the thoughts lately to make this go away so i just went on walking especially since I'm with her family i can't just break down right here. So we went into another store and i saw this manican and i imagined myself giving him oral. It felt as if i wanted to like i would like the feeling! I was at my limit at this point i felt like a gay person as if this was where I'm going to realize I'm actually gay. I walked over to her brother and tried to get my mind off it but then I imagined what if i was dating him and we were just out shopping together and thats when it happened. I realized I'm going to lose my girlfriend I thought about receiving sex and giving and got a weird and sexual feeling like i would enjoy it. everything is over and i would rather be dead.Dead? I realized i just thought about killing myself and took a step back and saw that This is a nightmare please somebody wake me up. But I wasn't dreaming i ruminated over the feeling i experienced over and over just scared to death finally my girlfriend came over to the store we were in and i felt like she wasn't even my girlfriend after those thoughts almost as if it should be a guy after having feelings like that. I didn't want it to be I just felt like a different person and hated it. I told her i loved her. She knows about my ocd and saw it in my eyes i guess that i was freaking out. she gave me the keys and I went to thecae and called my therapist and just started balling. I quit treatment a few months ago because i couldn't balance school with treatment. I explained to her what happened and she said you really need to get back into treatment. I agreed but explained how we cant afford it right now. I came home went to bed and just woke up about 20 mins ago i had bad dreams all night of going to the Dr office or being gay in my dreams and kept waking up shaking and sweating profusely. I have never been this scared yet. I thought i had hit rock bottom but this is way below anything I've ever hit. I really want to enjoy christmas with my family and girlfriend. I don't want to be gay but my mind keeps saying you liked those feelings last night. Oh also ever time i kissed my girlfriend i would think what if this was a guy and I would think ever time that i would like it!! Very stressed don't know who i am anymore. I know testing is bad but it took over me last night and i fell into the OCD whirlwind and lost control. Im asking for any help possible I just want to know these things were caused by OCD and not me being gay. I don't want to tell you my entire story just know before this I have only been interested in girls the ocd has turned everything around and has convinced me i have had little gay moments in my past. Or there was signs in my past. It all really started when a rumor came around in high school that i was gay because a girl asked me out and i didn't want to date her. It left but returned 6 years later and here we are now. Ive gone to two therapist both agree I have OCD. One is a very well known therapist which I'm going to hopefully start back up soon. I miss my old life and the passion and love and desire i had for my girlfriend. I want it back I don't want these other weird feelings. Please try to help me out with any advice especially other HOCD sufferers or any OCD suffers. Im going to try and stay strong and not ruminate over last night. Please note theses feelings really do feel so real and i don't think i even had any anxiety for a while! which really scares me as if it wasn't the ocd and it was actually me. Im terrified someone is going to tell me that I am actually gay and I'm just in denial or scared to come out(OCD).  Please help.
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Avatar universal
Yes i tried i guess this time around it just felt very real. It just gets hard at those times to accept its OCD doing this to me
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1699033 tn?1514113133
I can't remember our earlier conversation but I'm sure we addressed these same points.  Did you go back and read through it?  
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Avatar universal
Please someone help give me some advice i don't want to feel like this when my family comes in for christmas. The thoughts keep coming i keep mentally testing myself to attractive male actors to see if i find them attractive by imagining them naked and sometimes i think i really do and really get freaked out. I know this has to just be my OCD but dose it really have the power to do all of this ?
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Avatar universal
I also forgot to mention i keep doing mental testing and trying to think about the images in a sexual or arousing way and sometimes i feel like I actually can. Dose ocd have the power to do this. Also i test myself by picturing a guys butt or genitals to see if they disgust me and i compare them to a girl to see if which one i like the most and when i think about the guy its like I make the image to be more attractive looking or something idk I'm lost....please help I've exhausted myself and lost all hope. After one full year of constant checking and testing I don't know whats real anymore. I hope this is just OCD i guess I'm just having a hard time believing it can make me think and feel this way. Even though I'm terrified afterwards. Atleast i hope/think I am but thats just the ocd talking again. Please help.
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