HOCD or Denial

[mhoncho12]

**Warning** It's a little long

Ok I know many of you are getting tired of this question. Especially those who are members of the LGBT community. I would just like an input. And for disclosure I have no problem with anyone being gay. So first off I'm 19 in my second year of college and never kissed a girl, had a girlfriend, and a virgin. Now lately I've been having obsessive thoughts about becoming or being gay or just in denial.

For as long as I remember I've been attracted to women. Around my middle school years I was reaching the age of puberty and acted to my hormones. It was also when I began masturbating and it would be to straight porn, lesbian porn, actresses, even very erotic music videos with females in them (I know kind of weird) Anyway even during summers away from school I would have celebrity crushes on actresses because I wouldn't go out and hang out with other people and usually stayed home and watched the summer movies. But when school came around I would go back to falling for girls. But I was always self conscious about my weight so I wouldn't even bother to ask. In high school I fell head over heels for this girl but never had the courage to ask her out. Or was it because of something else?

I never really been attracted to guys. They've always been just friends. I played all sports in high school and never caught myself checking out guys in the locker room. Lived in an all boys dorm in high school but never thought about guys romantically or sexually. But this is the past and from what I read sometimes things do change.

Now up to date I watch a little more porn than would be deemed healthy but maybe it's just cause i'm sexually frustrated, addicted, or over compensating for something? I should have you know I've been diagnosed with GAD, Depersonalization Disorder, and Hypochondria. And I've noticed a pattern of obsessions. Just a few months ago I was obsessed with having a heart attack even thought I'm in relatively good shape. Last year I thought I had cancer. In August I was afraid of becoming Schizo, or having a mental "break". Now I'm worried I might be gay and in denial (but I do not saying I think it's a disease it's not please I'm not trying to offend anyone). Because of these obsessive thoughts now I check myself every now in then when just walking on the quad thinking "do I find him attractive" or staring to see how I felt and think "You must be gay since your looking at him". I watched gay porn to test myself and found it very uncomfortable. I've thought about guys or me involved in sex with a man while masturbating but couldn't get off. Now I feel uncomfortable because I don't feel that's me and who I am. And I haven't done anything to pursue women because "I'm waiting for the right time" or "the right one". But then my mind says no you tell yourself that because you're in denial. I just don't want to be gay, because I have nothing wrong with it just seems it's going against how I feel about myself. I mean wouldn't homosexual people feel the same about worrying about being something they're not. I guess I'd like to also know the difference of being in the denial vs. HOCD or even if HOCD exists. Because of this obsession I look online for answers and only come across forums saying that HOCD is made up for people who are afraid of coming out, which causes even more anxiety. This is very frustrating and confusing for me, considering at the beginning of this semester I was crushing on a girl that went to two of my classes. But as many of you know OCD and anxiety in general is a monster. So now these feelings of doubt, and questioning feel very, very, real.

Any advice and experience is appreciated, so is constructive criticism. I've gone to my therapist but she has no experience with something like this. Thanks for reading this long post. I'm pretty sure experienced people on this forum think they're a dime a dozen.

[mhoncho12]

Yeah I see where you are coming from. And after seeing my therapist she thinks it might be irrational thought as well. I said she didn't have experience because she is a graduate student. I was taking therapy within my schools Psych program because it was cheaper. But as you know these tricks in my head make it all seem so real. When I was obsessing about my health I couldn't eat, sleep, or do things. And I find myself in the same pattern now. I was given a SSRI (lexapro to be exact) and I was fine until I ran out and have been off of it for a month. As far as the self-esteem issues go we have gone through that topic I'm hoping to get over it. It takes time and slowly but surely I will get over it. She has told me to stop testing which is something I have told myself as well. The only thing I can relate to is my experience with hypochondria was the same way. I would go online and find type out which cancer I had. I went to the doctor almost every two weeks with a new symptom. The mind is a powerful thing and when I would look up symptoms and suddenly "feel" as though I had them then I would always check certain parts of my body particularly my lymph nodes. Then it got progressively worst with the heart attack when I would always check my pulse constantly. This constant checking just fuel the fire. Only problem is I'm not diagnosed with OCD. She has taught me some CBT exercises but it unfortunately our sessions will be ending as it is only a short term program and lasts one semester.

[JGF25]

Hi there.  You know if somebody came on here and had "HOCD" and didn't have other anxiety issues to speak of, then I would think "maybe" but you have a whole host of things from your past that point to this being just one more irrational thought in your life.  I'm sure you can see that.  Now add to that what may be a self-esteem issue that has kept you from talking to and asking out girls and what does an OCD mind do?  It tortures you with thoughts of homosexuality.  

I have to ask why your therapist thinks this thought is any different from the health related irrational thoughts or the thoughts that you were going to just fall off the deep end?  Why does she say she has no experience with it since I think it is just one more irrational thought in a whole line of thoughts that we conjure up to torment ourselves with.  I ask because as a person that has suffered from OCD since I was a teenager, I have run the whole gambit of irrational thoughts from harming others to HOCD, to POCD, to you flipping name it.  In my mind there is no difference but then again I'm not a psychologist either...just an OCD sufferer.  

People say HOCD doesn't exist because it isn't in the PDR.  What they aren't saying is that OCD is an umbrella and many, many things can fall under that umbrella.  Think about it.  If we didn't find it horrifying, would we be thinking about it?  Anything can fall under the umbrella if we think about it and catastrophize it.  There is no roadmap here.  It is different for each person.  

Did your therapist tell you to stop the testing?  Testing just keeps the OCD looping going and going.  Don't test to gay porn.  What does that do except feed into the cycle of OCD.  Did I get aroused, did I not, oh but wait maybe I felt a tingling.  Do you see where I am going with this?  

Does your therapist teach cognitive behavioral therapy?  Did she talk to you about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones?  Did she talk about self-coaching where you say "whatever" as an example to the thought and move on?  I actually prefer the "NOPE, NOT GOING THERE, ENOUGH, MOVE ON" statement because once you let it take on a life of its own you are off and running into that OCD cycle of irrational thinking.  The key is to take the fear out of the thought.  

So let's say for instance you stood up right now and said "I'm gay."  Do you think you would then want to run out and find a boyfriend and be intimate with him?  If the answer is no, then how could you possibly be gay?  There is no testing needed.  Looking at other guys....you have done it your whole life but you just never realized it because those looks you were doing were comparison looks.  I know because I do it to this day.  It is human nature to compare ourselves to others.  You just happen to "notice" you are doing it because you are having issues related to OCD and anxiety.  

Has your doctor even brought up self-esteem issues?