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HOCD or Lesbian in denial?

My mind has been off the walls these past two week. It all started when a girl hit on me and it made me uncomfortable and freaked me out. I masturbate to lesbian porn, but I've never wanted to be with a woman in any type of romantic way, I also have never seen a woman out in the real world and wanted anything more than to look like her. But for some weird reason my mind keeps telling me that maybe I've been a lesbian my whole life and all the guys I had crushes on we're just a way for me to keep it hidden. I know it sounds silly but it's messing with me so badly I have horribly anxiety and my hands shake all day long along with loss of appetite, horrible headaches, and lack of sleep. Its  gotten so bad I've tried to accept that I am a lesbian but every time I do it freaks me out and the cycle starts all over again. I find myself shying away from my girl friends because I'm petrified of finding out maybe I've wanted to be with them all this time and never realized it. It's all very really and terrifying in my head and I don't know what to do. My dad and sisters say to do something else to get my mind off of it but its gotten to the point where if I watch a movie I start to wonder "is that girl attractive?" "Do I want to be with her in more than a friendly way?" Or I'll wonder "did I ever want to be with a girl in more than a friendship way?" And I'll dig through years of memory and experiences trying to tie everything to the fact that I might be a lesbian. I've always been boy crazy in the sense that I've been obsessed with Justin Bieber, One Direction, any and most attractive guy actors. But lately I've been wondering if that ever happened? If every crush I've had on a guy was real? Or did I make it up? Up until a month ago I had a huge crush on a guy from my college and now I'm thinking "did I ever really like him?" "Was it all fake?" It's all so crazy and intense and I can't afford any type of therapy. And it's scary because a couple months ago I knew I wanted a husband and children and now I'm scared I'll never have that. Or what if I don't want it? I don't even know anymore. Before this though I also wondered why I've never had a boyfriend. Am I just that unattractive or maybe it's because they think I'm a lesbian? I don't know. It's like I'm trying to look at girls in a way I never have before and it's making my head hurt and making feel physically sick as well. I tend to cry a lot when I think about it and I'm just genuinely scared and I want to go to the way things used to be.
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Avatar universal
It's lIke I lived this part of my life and I keep reliving it over and over until I overcome it. ..born and reborn into the same existence how creepy and scary is that
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
One more thing I did the exact thing. I tryed to exept that I was gay but no way in hell would i do it with a nother dude I got bad anxiety after that. And another thing I'm going to share the do and don'ts Iv learned over the last few days. Every one does it ok so don't say you dont. Do not for any reason look at porn! Do not I repeat! Don't do it. It will spiks your OCD bad really bad I made the mistake Agee days ago to test myself and omg I wanted to kill my self so don't do it. Do not question the thought it sounds hard and is actually really scary not to but don't. Try hard. Thing to do.. Go hang out with your friends girls and guys and do try hard not to look at the same sex in a way of testing your self I'm still fighting that and the reason why is be it will spike your OCD.
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Avatar universal
Hey I have the same thing and it has not bothered me for the last two day and Im going to tell you how to try and beat it fast. Iv had it for a year lost a possible relationship and my best friend because of it. I got a book on cognitive behavior thrapy yesterday and it said to ignore them. Thoughts are not reality. I gave up fighting it because I didn't want to live like that anymore. It also said we have millions and millions of thoughts a day. Why don't we worry about the other thoughts tho? Because it's not important to use or has no usage to use but yet why do we freak out over a gay thought? Because it's something we have never thought of until now. so why do we obsess over it? Because it shocked us? Because we didn't excite it? No body knows why people have different fears and obsessions. Why because we're all different. The thoughts me and you are having is hell and a complete different reality of who we really are. But if you were gay you would have been gay years ago around when you were born and to the point of now. So why are we thinking we are not but know 110% we are not gay? Because we arnt gay. It's our fear of being gay like a person fears not waking up when they go to sleep or a person that fears dirt and germs and has to take a shower to know he's clean. For us we tell our self over and over and over that we aren't gay till it becomes a different reality and a hellish nightmare of never ending thoughts. In the book I'm reading it's teaching me to let go and analysis why and how it makes me feel. How do I feel? What do I think? I feel has if I don't feel happy having the thought of being gay and I feel angry about it because I'm just not. What do I think about it know, I don't care anymore, and why don't I care, because I and you are not gay. We would have been a long long time ago you don't just like and truly love one gender and one day just switch to loving another. It isn't possible it isn't you it's your thoughts that make you think that right? So let go and just not care I love women and always have and always will. You like guys and always have and always will. It's a nightmare Iv lived it for a year and a half so believe me I know how it feels. There's days I want to die and be done with it and then there's days I see a gorgeous women and my jaw drops. I still don't have my full attraction back due to anxiaty. Anxiaty kills your sex drive and how you think so it takes time to get back to your self. I actually started praying to God at one point to take it away from me and give me the strength and power to stay strong. Now think on that? Would a gay person freak out about that stuff to the point were he/she had to pray to God to end the madness... No!!!!!! We are not gay lol we a has straight has they come. OCD is a ***** but to think about it so if life so get a grip and grab it by the neck and make it your ***** yeah? That's how im starting to think. How would you react to someone flicking you off? Do you get mad? I don't I just wave to them and smile. Start to think that way tords HOCD Or yet any form of OCD and trust me you'll feel better. Don't let anyone in your way of happiness ok. You know who you are. Hope this long paragraph inspired you to kick HOCDs ***. Good luck.
Helpful - 0
1699033 tn?1514113133
Hi there.  I'm sorry for your suffering.  OCD is awful.  I call it OMG for obsessive mind game because that is basically what we are doing to ourselves.  We are playing one big mind game.  It is also called the doubting disorder because look at what you are doing...doubting whether the feelings you had for guys were real.  

Here is a useful article about OCD in general.  

http://www.wsps.info/index.php?catid=0:&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&option=com_content&view=article

Listen...we don't wake up one day and become gay.  We are born gay or we are not.  Sure there are some people that have had tragedies in their lives and they turn to the same sex for comfort but deep down inside they were not born gay.  And guess what...they know it.  

I always tell people that if they cannot see themselves in a gay relationship, kissing the person, having sex with the same sex, then how on earth could you be gay?  News flash...they are not.  I have yet to find one person that has posted on this site about HOCD that I truly thought was gay.    

You said you cannot afford a therapist but you also said you are in college and there are counselors you can see at your college for free.  I urge you to make an appointment and talk to one of them.  Stress also makes OCD worse and I can't think of a more stressful environment than college.  As for not dating much, it could all just be self-esteem issues that you need to work through.  

I can tell you that what you really should do is go with the thought.  When it comes into your head say "whatever" and then busy yourself with something else.  It is only a thought and it cannot hurt you.  It cannot change who you are deep down inside.  You know that feeling you used to get when you thought about Justin Bieber???  You can't make that stuff up.  That is your body reacting in a reflex way and it is going by what your genetics are.  
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