Help me : Fear of contamination STDs/HIV

[Lonerzoned]

Hi! Since I was a kid I had irrational fears and had anxiety ridden times. Even as a kid all I heard about sex was its bad and one shouldn't seek it. I had a very scary part growing that I might get sick with stds and HIV. I never had sex and then in college returning from an event some guy giving me a ride gave me a hand job. I didn't even erect as I was so scared and aftera few days I went in toa deep fear that i might be infected and those were a vert dark pahse of my life. I'm a closeted gay and this nearly outed me to my family and friends. I was at a really dark mood. I was crying and distanced from my studies.. my grades went down. I didn't enjoy life. Somehow I got through it and now I'm 30 years old. I am scared to have sex. Somehow I met a guy last week and we ended up cuddling. He was kissing and touching me all over. One time he used saliva to finger me. I couldn't go through it and left. Now I'm again having a fear episode and can't get my head straight. I'm always in anxiety .. always Googling symptoms and trying to not relive the moments. I am in deep regret and I blame myself. I keep going back to my memories and blame myself for going through it. I'm ashamed and disgusted of myself too. On top of that I'm scared and depressed. I am in a really bad mood and can't concentrate on my calm mental health. Im trying to stay calm but time to time i get rapid breathing and makes me walk nervously. Its like for several minutes iblose myself and space out. Its really getting hard now to keep calm. I want to cry but im numb. Please help me by giving me some clarity. I'm in a really bad place now.

[meemoll]

Hi there, have you sought out a therapist to help you with these fears?  I know the hiv experts can help you understand what is and isn’t an exposure risk so that you can have a relationship without fear. The OCD will run amok with your anxiety if you don’t seek proper help.