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Hocd denial and exceptance

I'm a 14 year old girl and I'm pretty sure I have been living with ocd my whole life. Ever since I was younger I would go through phases of worrying/ intrusive thoughts whether it's about dying or being gay. I first started to worry about being gay at around age 6 when one day it just kinda popped in my head " what if I'm gay?" That phase of worrying ended and I was fine for about a year and then that phase came back and it was like a cycle but at that time I really had no real evidence of being gay so I didn't pay as much attention to it. I have always thought that girls are pretty or I wanted to look like or be their friend but nothing else. In the summer before 8 th grade I got I boyfriend and I really liked him he was also my first kiss. He broke up with me four months later and I could remember crying for days and it took my around 3 months to get over him. Around March just before the lockdown started I hung out with this guy and we cuddled and stuff and it gave me a feeling I had never felt before. It was magical, I even practically cried when he had to leave. But as soon as the lockdown and social distancing started the worries came back I started getting groinal responses evertime I seen a girls and then as we kept being longer in quarantine I started having feelings but they didn't feel like the feelings I had ever experienced with guys it felt not right . It's got to the point where I'm almost accepting the fact that I could be gay. I used to get so excited when I hot guys name popped up on my snap and now if feels like that happens when any girls name pops up and I don't like it! I miss having those intense feelings for guys and I would do anything to get them back. I can't even hang out with any of my friends with girls any more or I become anxious and get groinal  responses. It's killing me and I know deep down that I'm straight but I'm not sure any more I'm constantly worrying to the point where I just expect the thoughts but I don't like it!
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Avatar universal
You can't really self-diagnose, but don't get hung up on the OCD label.  It's so common these days to do that.  It's not actually all that common an ailment.  But anxiety is very common and anxiety always involves obsessive thinking or nobody would feel anxious.  Or depressed.  But nobody but you can answer if you're bisexual or gay, only experience will answer that.  From your description of your life, it sounds like you're not, or you wouldn't have been so consumed with guys.  Sometimes we get insecure about our sexuality, especially after break-ups, and especially when we're just starting out our sexual lives.  Things go wrong, we get insecure, and start to wonder.  It doesn't really matter what your sexuality is, but it does matter than you're thinking your way into being unhappy.  You might want to discuss this with an adult or a therapist, but do know it's very common to have these kinds of thoughts.  It's often said that women like to look at other women more than straight men like to look at other men.  It's not necessarily sexual.  But if it is, it is.  That's not your problem.  Your problem is you don't like how you're thinking, and for that you can benefit from discussing it.  Peace.
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