Aa
My brain is killing me
Hello Everyone,
My problem started in January, exactly two months ago. But first we need a background story. I met this amazing girl that I believe I truly love in September. We saw each other for the first time and barely a week later we started dated. She stayed for three months in my city and I believe theses three months were the best time of my life. We knew from the beginning that she would leave just before Christmas to go back to Sweden (I live in France). We really got into each other and our relationship evolved super fast. We decided after some time to attempt the « Long Distance Relationship ». We had an amazing three months period together and we got into each other. When she left for home, it was the end of my world. I knew I was visiting her 10 days later but it was still very very hard. I cried when she left and sometimes the three days after. I then went to Sweden where we had a very good time. Just before I left I had some doubts but nothing too serious. I forgot about them pretty quickly but I still mentioned it to her when I was there since I tell her everything. I came back form Sweden and knew that I won’t see her before a month, which sounded like eternity for me. Two days after I came back some thoughts popped in my head and within 24 hours became so intrusive. Questions such as « Do I love her that much? » « Is she the one for me? » « Is it worth having a long distance relationship? » popped in my head. When theses questions aroused I was of course trying to find answers to them. I was then seeking in my memory for the moments we had together. However, since I entered a negative pattern, only negative thoughts rose. Theses memories were our time together was not as perfect as 99% of the rest of the time were coming in my head. Each memory was followed by another and it was driving me crazy. The plan is to spend a semester apart from each other, both finish our studies and then get back together in May. I was ready to leave my home to go live with her. However, this might have played a negative role in my thoughts. Indeed, I was ready to leave «everything » for her which gave a LOT of importance to the relationship. I started questioning if she was the ONE? (sounds silly when you’re 20 years old right?). My hyperactive brain was still overthinking over and over and I didn’t know what to do anymore. I was seeking for answers and new questions such as «is she intelligent enough, smart enough, does she look good enough, is she social enough? » were popping and popping into my head. My brain was coming up with more and more thoughts and I didn’t know how to stop it. I started seeing her flaws and focus only on her flaws that never ever bothered me before. I even started to invent some flaws questioning her, her appearance, her intelligence and so on. Before this period I never looked at other girls, and during this period I was and it made me panic more and more. I felt like theses thoughts were tearing me apart from her. I never really had theses thoughts before and now it was my daily life. Deep down, I knew she was everything I like and that I love her. Theses thoughts were ruining my life. I couldn’t focus in class, couldn't study at all, couldn’t enjoy any moment with my friends. I started looking for answers on the internet, to see if other people were in the same situation as I was, this didn’t help me at all. All kinds of websites were saying stuff like « if you are doubting your love, you probably don’t love her », I saw some people in similar situations who ended up all depressed and who broke up with their girlfriends .Everyday, I felt like I was hitting rockbottom and everyday I was actually going deeper. I saw some kind of therapist but I didn’t really trust her nor her method. However, she advised me to take action so I booked a flight ticket and left for Sweden. After doing so, I began to feel better for a couple of days. The three days before going there however, I started panicking again. « What if my brain starts questioning everything again when I’ll be with her? » I was often sweating, shaking and my heart was beating fast. I was waking up almost every night a couple of times, sometimes all sweaty and wet. It was awful.
My problem started in January, exactly two months ago. But first we need a background story. I met this amazing girl that I believe I truly love in September. We saw each other for the first time and barely a week later we started dated. She stayed for three months in my city and I believe theses three months were the best time of my life. We knew from the beginning that she would leave just before Christmas to go back to Sweden (I live in France). We really got into each other and our relationship evolved super fast. We decided after some time to attempt the « Long Distance Relationship ». We had an amazing three months period together and we got into each other. When she left for home, it was the end of my world. I knew I was visiting her 10 days later but it was still very very hard. I cried when she left and sometimes the three days after. I then went to Sweden where we had a very good time. Just before I left I had some doubts but nothing too serious. I forgot about them pretty quickly but I still mentioned it to her when I was there since I tell her everything. I came back form Sweden and knew that I won’t see her before a month, which sounded like eternity for me. Two days after I came back some thoughts popped in my head and within 24 hours became so intrusive. Questions such as « Do I love her that much? » « Is she the one for me? » « Is it worth having a long distance relationship? » popped in my head. When theses questions aroused I was of course trying to find answers to them. I was then seeking in my memory for the moments we had together. However, since I entered a negative pattern, only negative thoughts rose. Theses memories were our time together was not as perfect as 99% of the rest of the time were coming in my head. Each memory was followed by another and it was driving me crazy. The plan is to spend a semester apart from each other, both finish our studies and then get back together in May. I was ready to leave my home to go live with her. However, this might have played a negative role in my thoughts. Indeed, I was ready to leave «everything » for her which gave a LOT of importance to the relationship. I started questioning if she was the ONE? (sounds silly when you’re 20 years old right?). My hyperactive brain was still overthinking over and over and I didn’t know what to do anymore. I was seeking for answers and new questions such as «is she intelligent enough, smart enough, does she look good enough, is she social enough? » were popping and popping into my head. My brain was coming up with more and more thoughts and I didn’t know how to stop it. I started seeing her flaws and focus only on her flaws that never ever bothered me before. I even started to invent some flaws questioning her, her appearance, her intelligence and so on. Before this period I never looked at other girls, and during this period I was and it made me panic more and more. I felt like theses thoughts were tearing me apart from her. I never really had theses thoughts before and now it was my daily life. Deep down, I knew she was everything I like and that I love her. Theses thoughts were ruining my life. I couldn’t focus in class, couldn't study at all, couldn’t enjoy any moment with my friends. I started looking for answers on the internet, to see if other people were in the same situation as I was, this didn’t help me at all. All kinds of websites were saying stuff like « if you are doubting your love, you probably don’t love her », I saw some people in similar situations who ended up all depressed and who broke up with their girlfriends .Everyday, I felt like I was hitting rockbottom and everyday I was actually going deeper. I saw some kind of therapist but I didn’t really trust her nor her method. However, she advised me to take action so I booked a flight ticket and left for Sweden. After doing so, I began to feel better for a couple of days. The three days before going there however, I started panicking again. « What if my brain starts questioning everything again when I’ll be with her? » I was often sweating, shaking and my heart was beating fast. I was waking up almost every night a couple of times, sometimes all sweaty and wet. It was awful.
Stop looking for stuff on the internet. I happen to believe whether we are gay or not is based in our genetics. We are born gay or we are not. Those feelings you get when you see someone that excites you...they are a reflex so to speak. Your body already knows what to do and no amount of reverse thinking is going to change that except for the fact that when you become overly anxious people do lose the ability to feel anything really toward anybody. That has to do with the psychological condition rather than the physical.
Give your therapist some time to figure this out with you. Could be generalized anxiety disorder. Who knows but obviously something is going on and I don't believe you are gay.
Give your therapist some time to figure this out with you. Could be generalized anxiety disorder. Who knows but obviously something is going on and I don't believe you are gay.
I had my first therapy this morning, the therapist said she didn't know if it was OCD and that it will take more time for her to know.
In the time being I'm still asking myself all the time, I saw an article that people could be heterosexual their whole life and then become gay. It kinda worried me
In the time being I'm still asking myself all the time, I saw an article that people could be heterosexual their whole life and then become gay. It kinda worried me
And, no the therapist didn't diagnose me with OCD, but as I said before, she was not a real therapist with medical education or special studies. She is someone who probably had some kind of formation but isn't a real psychologist I believe
Hello,
thank you for your answer, I am going to see a new psychologist this week so I hope it will help me.
About this girl. You are right, she might not be THE ONE or something but I just want to let this relationship evolve and let time do its thing. I know we are good together, she is probably everything I could wish for. I just don't want anyone else, I want her and right now I have to live my life without her and I can't really do it. Especially if my brain keeps messing up. Theses gay thoughts arose a week ago and frankly I don't really know what to do here. Am I gay, is it ROCD? I just keep putting pictures in my head, analyzing every reaction, trying to analyze how I feel when I'm next to a man and so on. And so far, theses thoughts are disgusting me more than anything else but I just can't figure it out.
I really think that this therapy can help me.
Thank you for your answer again
thank you for your answer, I am going to see a new psychologist this week so I hope it will help me.
About this girl. You are right, she might not be THE ONE or something but I just want to let this relationship evolve and let time do its thing. I know we are good together, she is probably everything I could wish for. I just don't want anyone else, I want her and right now I have to live my life without her and I can't really do it. Especially if my brain keeps messing up. Theses gay thoughts arose a week ago and frankly I don't really know what to do here. Am I gay, is it ROCD? I just keep putting pictures in my head, analyzing every reaction, trying to analyze how I feel when I'm next to a man and so on. And so far, theses thoughts are disgusting me more than anything else but I just can't figure it out.
I really think that this therapy can help me.
Thank you for your answer again
Hi there...wow you are on the OCD superhighway of "What-if" thinking.
Here is a good article about OCD. Were you diagnosed with OCD by the therapist you saw?
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?catid=0:&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&option=com_content&view=article
Reassurance seeking is a big thing for people with OCD. We want to control everything and so when this thought pops up in your head you want to get closure on it and it is hard to get closure on a thought when the person you are thinking about is not near you.
Listen, you are 20 and I'm going to tell you what I would tell my own son who is also 20. She may be the one and she may not be the one but if not, there are plenty of other women you are going to meet that could be the one. If this doesn't work out, your life is not over. So try to stop the analysis when it starts. Don't let the thoughts continue. Try some self-coaching. There is a good book called Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani. You can download it as an E-book. Read it. Learn how our minds are playing tricks on us. Stress makes it worse and when you get stuck in this cycle it leads to depression and other thoughts.
There was a guy I met in college and I thought I loved him as well. Guess what...it wasn't until he left to go back home and I visited him (yep...left my new boyfriend and ran to see this other guy) that I realized he was an ***. Didn't respect me. Actually I think I embarrassed him because I grew up in a tiny house while his family had a summer home on Block Island. These things happen and sometimes it takes a new person in our lives to make us realize when we are truly happy. It is so easy to overlook things when you are at the beginning of a relationship. We need to let relationships evolve without too much thinking. BTW I married that "new boyfriend" and haven't looked back since. So don't sweat it. You are young. There are going to be women you like who don't like you and vice versa. It is all part of life. But there will always be somebody else you can count on that.
My suggestion would be to find a psychologist that teaches cognitive behavioral therapy. A therapist you feel comfortable with. You cannot run over there every time you have a thought.
Here is a good article about OCD. Were you diagnosed with OCD by the therapist you saw?
http://www.wsps.info/index.php?catid=0:&id=82:ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd&option=com_content&view=article
Reassurance seeking is a big thing for people with OCD. We want to control everything and so when this thought pops up in your head you want to get closure on it and it is hard to get closure on a thought when the person you are thinking about is not near you.
Listen, you are 20 and I'm going to tell you what I would tell my own son who is also 20. She may be the one and she may not be the one but if not, there are plenty of other women you are going to meet that could be the one. If this doesn't work out, your life is not over. So try to stop the analysis when it starts. Don't let the thoughts continue. Try some self-coaching. There is a good book called Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani. You can download it as an E-book. Read it. Learn how our minds are playing tricks on us. Stress makes it worse and when you get stuck in this cycle it leads to depression and other thoughts.
There was a guy I met in college and I thought I loved him as well. Guess what...it wasn't until he left to go back home and I visited him (yep...left my new boyfriend and ran to see this other guy) that I realized he was an ***. Didn't respect me. Actually I think I embarrassed him because I grew up in a tiny house while his family had a summer home on Block Island. These things happen and sometimes it takes a new person in our lives to make us realize when we are truly happy. It is so easy to overlook things when you are at the beginning of a relationship. We need to let relationships evolve without too much thinking. BTW I married that "new boyfriend" and haven't looked back since. So don't sweat it. You are young. There are going to be women you like who don't like you and vice versa. It is all part of life. But there will always be somebody else you can count on that.
My suggestion would be to find a psychologist that teaches cognitive behavioral therapy. A therapist you feel comfortable with. You cannot run over there every time you have a thought.
I then flew to Sweden, being very scared. I stayed there for 10 days. During this ten days my situation was actually better in general. I still had thoughts however, they didn’t disappear. Especially when I was not with her, when she was in class and me studying by myself. I was still checking on the internet and in my head for answers that I never found. I was still questioning everything, comparing her with other people in the street, comparing our relationship with other people’s ones. It was insane my brain would never stop thinking and thinking. I was still panicking, every time I had theses thoughts coming in my head, I was sweating, and couldn’t stay still, I was talking to her about it (I know it’s stupid but I tell her everything) and when 4 to 5 times in 10 days I just broke down in tears in her arms, it was awful. But as I said, the situation was better. I became more confident about feelings for her, I knew I cared about her. I didn’t want to leave her. I was enjoying her company so much and I truly loved everything about her. But I couldn’t help having theses thoughts popping sometimes in my head. They started to disappear day after day and I truly thought it was going better. I knew I would spend more time with her in the coming weeks so I guess it was reassuring me. I left Sweden being very confident about my feelings for her, our relationship and her. She was coming three days later to visit me. I had three good days by myself and then she came back. My thoughts were still there however, coming sometimes. Everyone knows that in a relationship, it is not perfect 24/7. The problem was that when it was not perfect (we never fought about anything, just want to make this clear, it was just when we were not talking to each other for a couple of minutes or when our conversations were not that entertaining) I was starting overthinking again and again. Every silence between us became a huge burden. My brain was starting to analyze everything again and popping unreal thoughts in my head like « she’s not the one for you » « you don’t love her that much » and so on. But we had amazing moments and my heart was telling me the opposite. I am very emotional since this phase started and I was often surprising myself having tears in my eyes when everything was perfect (of joy) or when I was overthinking and breaking down. I really felt better however, my negative thoughts were not that important anymore. I was not spending lots of time thinking about it.
She flew back to Sweden and I was going there a week after. I had to study, but I couldn’t. As soon as I was starting to, my brain was starting to work again. I started panicking again. Everything was going better since I was in Sweden for the first time and I felt like I was going better even if every once in a while I was falling back in my thoughts. But this week by myself before joining her in Sweden again was hard again. I was spending bigger parts of my days thinking again it was worrying me. I was still seeking for answers, why am I so unsure about everything when I know deep down that I love her. « Am I trying to persuade myself that I love her if I’m not? » and all kind of questions were popping again and again driving me crazy. I went back to Sweden, first two days were amazing and then I started thinking again. « Why can’t I be sure? It must mean something, it must mean that I don't love her like I think I do ». But then again, every time I was having theses thoughts I was feeling so uncomfortable, sweaty and so on. And every time we were having an amazing moment, when my brain was plugged off and only focused on her, I was sure that I love her. And then again, every time it was not as perfect I was overthinking again. It is truly killing me and I didn’t see the end of tunnel.
I am also very worried about the future, since I have no idea what I’ll do after I graduate this spring.
I was always seeking for answers and some thoughts started entering my mind. « What if I was gay? » started to obsess me and is obsessing me since the last week. I am trying to look for answers. Trying to seek in my memory about the homosexual « experiences » I had when I was a kid. I think that deep down, I know I am straight but my mind can’t leave me alone. It’s been all over my mind for the last week, all day, all night all I think about is my sexuality. I wake up in the night again, I start thinking about it as soon as I wake up and I can’t enjoy any part of my life again. I have unwanted thoughts and images popping up in my mind. I imagine myself with a guy and it clearly disgusts me. It provokes in me anxiety and distress, I am sweating, my heart is beating fast as soon as I start thinking about a guy or something. I have this fear I could be gay and it clearly mess up my mind. I have always been attracted to women, never to mens. I can tell when a guy is attractive but I never imagined myself with one, I always felt disgusted about guys. Like any teenager, I watched a lot of porn and every time guys were getting too close to another it was disgusting me. I never watched gay porn. I can only remember being aroused by girls. I never considered dating a guy. I only had girl crushes, I had A LOT of them from my sisters friends to my friends mom and so on… I think know I am straight deep down but I just can’t stop thinking about it. Since I started getting theses thoughts, I see attractive girls but I can’t get aroused by them, I see them in the streets and all I can do is questioning myself if I’m not gay. The only times I get aroused is when I am talking with my girlfriend or the other night when I dreamt about her. Otherwise, I see guys differently. When I’m around guys I feel like I’m panicking. When there is an attractive guy, am I gay? Do I want to do something with him ? And then I feel disgusted and start panicking again. I even panic when I’m with my closest friends for who I never felt anything for even if I have been hanging out with them since 10 years. I start to picture myself with guys to see if I’m aroused, I watched gay porn to see if I’m aroused or not (nothing happens down there) and I feel disgusted.
I think and I hope that what I have was in a first place ROCD and now HOCD but i’m not sure. Maybe I was always gay and realize it just now…
She flew back to Sweden and I was going there a week after. I had to study, but I couldn’t. As soon as I was starting to, my brain was starting to work again. I started panicking again. Everything was going better since I was in Sweden for the first time and I felt like I was going better even if every once in a while I was falling back in my thoughts. But this week by myself before joining her in Sweden again was hard again. I was spending bigger parts of my days thinking again it was worrying me. I was still seeking for answers, why am I so unsure about everything when I know deep down that I love her. « Am I trying to persuade myself that I love her if I’m not? » and all kind of questions were popping again and again driving me crazy. I went back to Sweden, first two days were amazing and then I started thinking again. « Why can’t I be sure? It must mean something, it must mean that I don't love her like I think I do ». But then again, every time I was having theses thoughts I was feeling so uncomfortable, sweaty and so on. And every time we were having an amazing moment, when my brain was plugged off and only focused on her, I was sure that I love her. And then again, every time it was not as perfect I was overthinking again. It is truly killing me and I didn’t see the end of tunnel.
I am also very worried about the future, since I have no idea what I’ll do after I graduate this spring.
I was always seeking for answers and some thoughts started entering my mind. « What if I was gay? » started to obsess me and is obsessing me since the last week. I am trying to look for answers. Trying to seek in my memory about the homosexual « experiences » I had when I was a kid. I think that deep down, I know I am straight but my mind can’t leave me alone. It’s been all over my mind for the last week, all day, all night all I think about is my sexuality. I wake up in the night again, I start thinking about it as soon as I wake up and I can’t enjoy any part of my life again. I have unwanted thoughts and images popping up in my mind. I imagine myself with a guy and it clearly disgusts me. It provokes in me anxiety and distress, I am sweating, my heart is beating fast as soon as I start thinking about a guy or something. I have this fear I could be gay and it clearly mess up my mind. I have always been attracted to women, never to mens. I can tell when a guy is attractive but I never imagined myself with one, I always felt disgusted about guys. Like any teenager, I watched a lot of porn and every time guys were getting too close to another it was disgusting me. I never watched gay porn. I can only remember being aroused by girls. I never considered dating a guy. I only had girl crushes, I had A LOT of them from my sisters friends to my friends mom and so on… I think know I am straight deep down but I just can’t stop thinking about it. Since I started getting theses thoughts, I see attractive girls but I can’t get aroused by them, I see them in the streets and all I can do is questioning myself if I’m not gay. The only times I get aroused is when I am talking with my girlfriend or the other night when I dreamt about her. Otherwise, I see guys differently. When I’m around guys I feel like I’m panicking. When there is an attractive guy, am I gay? Do I want to do something with him ? And then I feel disgusted and start panicking again. I even panic when I’m with my closest friends for who I never felt anything for even if I have been hanging out with them since 10 years. I start to picture myself with guys to see if I’m aroused, I watched gay porn to see if I’m aroused or not (nothing happens down there) and I feel disgusted.
I think and I hope that what I have was in a first place ROCD and now HOCD but i’m not sure. Maybe I was always gay and realize it just now…
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