hocd or am I actually bisexual???

[newacc23]

Hi everyone I wanted to make this post as I want help, I am currently a 15 year old straight female who has always been boy crazy but have started suffering with what I think could be hocd but sometimes I think I could just be in denial?

okay so I joined a new school in September 2018 and I was super nervous! In the past I suffered with ocd and cleaning and anxiety in general and after joining this school it went away for a bit and I was only worried about minor things. Anyway in around December a new girl joined (I am a girl too) and I was instantly scared of this girl and she really freaked me out and then I started to question whether on not I actually had feelings for her even though the sight of her was not appealing (no offence) and all my life (13 yrs) I had absolutely loveddddd boys and always fantasised about marrying them, kissing them etc etc. Anyway these worries about this person spiralled and it became a daily thing of checking and it was not enjoyable and I knew deep down I was straight. This significantly decreased for a couple of months between sept-nov 2019, then it came back in another form and it wasn’t to do with this girl and I remember it feeling horrible. Anyway at the start of quarantine it got quite bad as I was obsessed with seeing if I liked the same sex’s genitals (sorry for the tmi) and I thought it was gross but my mind wouldn’t let me settle. I also had lots of compulsions of imagining lesbian sex being performed on me and then straight sex being performed on me to see which I preferred. Every time I preferred the straight one and was disgusted by the other. I kind of came to a point where I was like that is not worth worrying about as there is no evidence! Anyway the past few days I think I’m edging towards bisexual as I was imagining a scenario as a form of checking and I enjoyed it (but at the same time it didn’t feel right) but now when I think of it I’m like no way! And I was scrolling through TikTok and trying to see if I liked any of the girls and obviously some were pretty but then I was like ‘you’re hiding something from yourself and you’re actually attracted to them’ and i don’t understand!! And I feel like when I look at them and my reaction is not ‘I’m not attracted’ my head is then like ‘you’re lying’ or ‘look for longer and you’ll see that you are’ sometimes when I look for longer I might feel attracted but not anywhere near as much as I am for boys. May I also just say I’ve had a massive crush on this boy for the whole of this year so far and I’ve never crushed on a girl. I feel like I’ve kind of settled on the fact that no one is 100% straight and if I only ever feel like I enjoy the same sex thoughts when it’s part of a compulsion then surely it can’t show my true identity?? I really don’t want to date a girl and I don’t want to experiment either as it’s just not me but somehow I still can’t settle. I have also done a form of checking naked images of both sexes and 100% liked only the man so I don’t understand why I still worry. Another thing which is weird is that I always imagine and want to marry a man. When imagining a long relationship with a woman, I don’t like the idea. Do you think that I could be bisexual in denial as sometimes my checking feels enjoyable but at the same time it doesn’t, or do you just think I’m just 99/98% straight and this is normal? Orrrr am I 100% straight and have talked myself into all these things? Hope I have explained things well.

[Paxiled]

I think you already answered your question, kind of, when you started out by saying you're a 15 year old straight female, but you know, you've never been any older but 15 is really really y0ung.  You probably don't have real sexual experience, just fantasies, at this point.  When you start actually having sexual relationships you'll find out.  I kind of think you're right, we're probably all bisexual to an extent, that seems to be the case historically.  It's also true there's a whole lot more information available now than there used to be.  I think thinking about things is what humans do.  Obsessing about things to the point you're making yourself unhappy isn't.  That's probably the problem you want to focus on for now, as time is the only thing that will fully answer what you're true sexuality is.  Remember, if you close your eyes, everything feels good.  With your eyes open, that's when you notice the difference.  But true feelings of attachment are very different than feelings of sexual lust.  Again, you will find that out, it's inevitable with time, but you don't want to spend this much of your life ruminating on things if it makes you unhappy.  Peace.