rocd to hocd/bi sexual thoughts anxiety!!

[confusedgirl_]

Hi, this is my first post and it may be a little long but here goes..

I'm 18 (female) and up until this year had no doubts about my sexuality until last year. As long as i can remember i have always had crushes on boys, been out with boys obsessed over boys etc and iv been in a relationship with a boy for a year and a half. at first it was amazing, i was so in love with him and it was perfect then one day BAM i was hit with a thought and relationship ocd took hold of me. I struggled with that for a while and then after watching an episode of skins i had a lesbian thought. I had been aroused by lesbian sex on very very few occasions but had never thought anything of it, until i had a dream and the hocd took control. the thing is when i masterbate it is over lesbian fantasy or porn, I can get off to straight porn too but not as fast. But i have never fancied a girl or been attracted to one in any way. i kissed girls a few times when i was drunk and never thought anything of it. Now my relationship, when im in a good state of mine, can be great, the sex can be good, but when im down i forget that. My mind is telling me that im 100% gay because of lesbian fantasies. this has affected my relationship as there are times when i do not feel attracted to my boyfriend, usually when i am stressing about this. when i dont feel like sex i think (if I dont want sex with him all the time, I must be gay?) at the start i fantasised about him but now not anymore, probably because we have been through the "honeymoon" period and have settled down. There have been times even earlier in the month when he has spontaniously come onto me and I have been so turned on, It is just about time and place. My fantasies for boys have always been more romantic but I have had many sexual ones also, however my mind is telling me I never had that and I'm lying to myself. On good days my attractions for men come back and i feel like at the most I could be bi-sexual, yesterday was a good day and I was at the cinema with my boyfriend and i found myself looking at him just thinking about how all i wanted to do was to go back to his and go to bed together. I take a while reaching orgasm in sex because my mind wonders (tmi) but I always get there in the end. Now, i look at everyone in the street and question whether i could see myself with them or not and it drives me crazy. The thing is because i am turned on by lesbian porn and like a womans body, and that is a trigger it is always on my mind so i am turned on by it, so I feel like im thinking about it alll the time but its because im obsessing over it and testing myself, I feel like my lines between reality and fantasy are blurred. My mind is telling me i cant be settled with my boyfriend until i experiment but i dont want to! when im obsessing, my attraction for men disappears which makes things worse! This all started with Rocd and now its come from this, I have good weeks and bad weeks and this is a very bad one, I feel trapped. I also find that fantasising about men sexually (romantically i do) can be daunting, I have had a few bad sexual experiences, being taken advantage of when drunk, verbally abused and pressured etc. which may have something to do with it. I also have a specific taste in boys, (i go for personality over looks) so i dont find a lot of them attractive which triggers my ocd again I am seeing a therapist which is helping but i still cant deal with my thoughts. Last year i was diagnosed with depression and GAD. when i voice my thoughts to people i realise im being stupid and its more insignificant than i think. I just want my relationship back to how it was before all this. Other rituals including spending HOURS and hours on the internet ruminating, "checking" my attraction for people and ritualising constantly. Its driving me insane. Anyone out there have a similar story?? help please!! I have also never fancied a girl which is why it is extra confusing. Also anyone going through rocd please feel free to comment as well as it is all tied in together and it was the initial trigger!!

[confusedgirl_]

Yeah I have been trying to just sleep as much as possible. I do have a sexual attraction for girls, thought none that i have actually met,  I admit it, but I like boys on a romantic level!! Everytime I feel settled and relaxed with my boyfriend a thought pops into my head telling me it will never be enough and its not for real. I'm just trying to tire myself out as much as possible so as to just withdraw into sleep when I want. Thankyou x

[confusedgirl_]

Yeah I have been trying to just sleep as much as possible. I do have a sexual attraction for girls, thought none that i have actually met,  I admit it, but I like boys on a romantic level!! Everytime I feel settled and relaxed with my boyfriend a thought pops into my head telling me it will never be enough and its not for real. I'm just trying to tire myself out as much as possible so as to just withdraw into sleep when I want. Thankyou x

[Flintstones]

It is basically a war between you and hocd. I've tried saying 'im lesbian' out loud and hell no I couldn't do it and it didn't sound right. It didn't fit. You begin to create this bubble which you won't and can't break. Its just you and no one else. Im no longer leaving the house unless its school. And yeah you just need to know if its hocd or not. Its constantly quizzes, websites, forums, asking family but nothing satisfies this hungry monster. Mindfulness will help yes but if that doesn't work you can try therapy. Good look and god bless x

[confusedgirl_]

I have found mindfulness to be a helpful method, but sometimes it is hard to stick to but when I do, I am happier and more confident in myself. HOCD is taking its toll on my relationship as I am always stressing about/not feeling attracted to anymore and I am withdrawing further and further into myself. I feel like I am trapped and am going crazy with no way out of it except to run from it all. I have found that OCD gives you the unnecessary need for certainty that you never needed until it hit you. I hope you are doing better than I am right now x

[Flintstones]

Hi,
Im going through the same experience as you. I have hocd (well not officially but I have basically all the symptoms) its horrible confusing and you just want your attraction for boys back (i know i do). Loads of straight girls get off to lesbian porn and fantasies but hocd uses anything as an excuse for you being lesbian. I've got to the point were hocd its making me think my past has been a complete lie and its saying that I loved girls (which i never did) its so confusing. I suggest therapy, someone who specialises in hocd to help you get rid of these nasty thoughts. Ive tried just saying 'another hocd thought lol whatever' but its not working for me. Checking creates false arousals and attractions, the more you check the more you think your attracted. Its confusing and a nightmare but ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) should get you through this. If you loved guys all your life then you loved guys all your life, if you were lesbian you wouldn't have loved guys and wouldn't be comfortable with them :)
Good luck x