straight/lesbian/bi/HOCD? what am i?

[beachgirl104]

So all my life till I was 17 I was sure I was straight, never once questioned it, only ever had eyes for guys, never had a boyfriend but wanted one, before I slept every night i would think about beng in a relationship with a guy, kissed guys before and liked it. So, you basically get the picture, however with my best friend who is a girl, she used to hug me and kiss me on the cheek all the time, I was always quite uncomfortable with it, but eventually I embraced it and I loved everytime she hugged me and kiss me on the cheeck and used to think about it when I was alone and loved it, but even then I never thought it was because I was lesbian it was just because I loved her, and this experience happened with my best friend before her as well. Even with all this going on I still like boys always so it never phased me. Recently however I met this guy on holiday and I thought he was the idea of my perfect guy but when I was with him I never fel attracted to him in that way and with the guy before him I didnt either, thats when my HOCD was triggored. I became incredibly anxious and depressed and tried to analyse my every behaviour in the past and my every though was concerned with whether I was lesbian or not. I used think of girls to see if I was turned on and I never was, only maybe once or twice, everytime I looked at porn I was only ever turned on by the guys and never by the girls ever. Anyways, eventually school started back and I was so busy i thought it was all over until the holidays reurned, I saw my best friend and I still loved when she hugged me and got tingles when she touched me but I never wanted to be in a romantic relationship with her or wanted to kiss her but the anxiety came back because I had more free time to think about it, I read many bloggs and similar stories but I never felt permanently better. I tried to tell myself I was gay or bi but it never fully resonated with me. I know my family wouldnt want it for me and it would be awkward but would be supportive so that wasnt a problem either. I began to fear that I would never find a guy that I would love or be in a relationship with. Then I tried to look at pictures of hot guys to turn me on and I did get turned on, however I got turned on by one picture of a girl and when I was walking I saw a girl wearing tight clothes and got aroused. I then got freaked out again. Bottom line is, I always have these thoughts in my mind, Ive tried reading about it, tried imagining myself with girls and never liked it and I am always anxious. I still behave normally around both girls and guys but I am conciously checking myself if I am being aroused by being with girls and boys and it is incredibly frustrating, I just want to enjoy my youth and forget about all this, but I would 100% rather be straight than lesbian and the thought of me realising that I am lesbian freaks me out and makes me depressed.

Am I lesbian/bi/HOCD??

I really need help and im too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone I know.

How can I get rid of how I feel and just go back to the happy straight girl that I was?

[JGF25]

What did you tell them the last time you saw a psychologist?  Say the same thing to them only this time when you get to the psychologist, tell them everything.  It is all confidential and your parents will not find out.  They cannot help you with what is wrong if they don't know about it.  AND there is nothing to be embarassed about.  They have heard it all and then some.  I don't know where you live or how your healthcare system works....you are an adult but probably on your parents insurance still?  Or are you on socialized medicine and at 18 you can just get your own referral?  

[beachgirl104]

Thanks so much for replying how should i bring it up to my parents to speak to a psychologist though, I asked once to speak to one and when I was there I didn't tell her what I really wanted to talk about in fear that my parents would find out. I know this might just be a teenage normal weird thing and may be just be a phase that I would get over so I don't want my parents knowing everything before I come to a proper conclusion. I do go to boarding school away and I was thinking since Im 18 I could just make an appointment for myself and they wouldn't have to know about it. Do you think I should just do that?

[JGF25]

Hi there....well I can only say that you are what you are just based on your genetics, but what you are I think needs to be delved into deeper with the help of a psychologist.  I know you don't want to talk about this with anyone, but I think your thoughts should be explored.  It could be HOCD, it could be that you are bisexual, the bottom line is I cannot really tell anything from your post other than you have gotten turned on by both guys and girls.  It could be a security thing with girls, who knows, but that is something the psychologist would look into.  They look into your past to get clues as to what makes you unique and I think that perspective would go a long way here in helping you figure out your sexuality.  Take care.