A message from Donna

[Jan214]

Donna has asked me to write to you all for her because she is just to weak, but she wanted to do a final posting. Please accept this as if it is coming from her.



Dear Friends,

I want you to know how much I appreciate your friendships, your love and encouragement and your prayers.  I came on the forum like everyone else looking for information.  I did not expect to find the love and friendships that I have found on MH.  It is so much more than a place to gather information on OvCa.  I have made friendships on here that I know I will take with me. We have laughed together, cried together, schemed together and mourned together.  We have been able to accomplish some wonderful things on here and I know that you all will watch over the forum and keep it the loving, supportive, fun place it has become.

I am throwing up quite a bit but they are controlling it as best they can. I am on enough pain medication that I don't hurt.  The survival instinct is very strong in all of us and when I started having heart problems tonight I fought it like a dummy and realized I shouldn't have.  I am very sleepy and right now I am having trouble breathing. I just want to go peacefully.

Throughout this ordeal you all have kept my spirits up with so many notes, msgs, phone calls and prayers, but now it is time to say goodbye and I would like to ask that you all pray that this ends quickly now.   I don't want to go, so please don't think that I just gave up.  I would like to have another 50 yrs the same as anyone, but there is nothing left to fight for and it is time to let go.

You all have been just amazing and I love you very much.  Those of you that have become my closest friends know who you are.  I want you to know that I hold you close to my heart and I thank you for all the laughs.  We had a lot of fun on here and I want you to remember those times. I know you will continue to fight the good fight and I expect you to win. I will be watching over you all.  When you think of me I expect it to be with a grin for my wickedly dry sense of humor and not with tears of unhappiness.

With much love and appreciation,
Donna

[kimmywah]

The pain of watching our loved ones dying and the pain of trying to accept this as our own destiny are perhaps the hardest things that any human can do.  I understand and accept both your opinions.  You are both incredibly wonderful woman and have both of you been through and are going through terribly difficult times. In what ever subject that is discussed here or anywhere, there are always going to be different views.  Lets put them aside for now and channel our prayers and energy for Donna.... to have her peace.

Love Kim

[Steve H]

Ladies, everyone following this line is very upset with all the bad news that has been posted recently, with Lesley, and with Donna's continued suffering. To me there is no right or wrong, and ladies everyone on here doesn’t want to see anyone get upset, or leave this board.
I will now tell you a very, very true story about my wife who died so recently (to me it is) Violet was in ICU on a ventilator, something she dreaded going on as to her it was the last thing left to keep her alive, her lungs were continually filling with fluid, so she was always nearly drowning. Did she want to give up? NO, she fought and fought, amazing her Dr’s who kept telling me she has hours! Well 45 days later, (even though the day before they were thinking of taking her off the ventilator as this were going great,) her body started to shut down, bit by, bit. She drifted off into a deep sleep, then her BP bottomed out, Violet asked for resuscitation,, so when her heart stopped, they started, okay they brought her back, but I will never forget the look in her eyes, complete horror, pain and scaredness. This was at 10.30am Sunday 6th January 2008. My children and I talked, we always wanted her to go in dignity, we had planned what we would do to help her if everything had been done, and there was no more. We were ready, we said our good byes she was gasping for breath involuntary, her brain was saying ‘I need air’. Her Dr’s were with us, they confirmed that there was nothing more they could do for her medically, in their words, she was gone all but the machines keeping her going, but that would not last, an hour, who could tell, Violet hated the dark, so we, her family started our plan, we were asked what we were up to, we told them, they didn’t argue, just said you are very brave but humble family, they said to the nurses to leave, they increased her sedation to the maximum, so in their words ‘she would not know anything’. I then turned off her IV which was forcing fluids into her just to keep he BP up, slowly her heart rate dropped from 180pm (which had been like this for over 24hrs) till it stopped, she died in my arms, her 2 kids holding her hands, she died in true dignity what she deserved.11am GMT Sunday 6th January 2008.
Okay till my dying days I will remember that day, but in the end we knew it was the best, she had no more pain on her face, no more suffering.
Ladies a graphic but very true recollection of the last moments of my darling wife, she passed away 42 weeks today at 9am GMT, a time my family mark each and every week. Did we do right? We think so FOR HER, not necessarily for us. Steve H

[SimplyStar]

I have asked MH to remove the two posts of mine.  it was not intended to offend any one.  I will keep my opinions to my self and not offer them up any more.  Marty

[Jan214]

Yes, we thought it ended quickly with Leslee, but we didn't say that was a bad thing.  We just weren't expecting that I guess. We are certainly not judging Donna or Leslee.  Donna wants this to be over with. As far as the organs continuing to function in spite of the cancer, well that is not entirely true.  Donna's tumor (and I have been told most of our tumors will do the same if blockages don't kill us 1st) has gotten so large that it pushes up on her stomach, which pushes up on her heart, and lungs and everything else. There have been times when Donna couldn't breathe and she was afraid she would just choke to death. That doesn't sound like working organs to me and her vitals aren't strong.  Because of all of that compression they can't keep her BP regulated and it was 156/100 the other day. Who is suffering the most?....Donna that's who. I can't believe you said that we feel sorry for ourselves and not Donna!!   I have not seen one person say they feel sorry for themselves; all I have heard is how sorry we all feel for Donna. Preparing for the worst is not self pity it is practical preparation.  And yes Marty, we are taking the nausea meds and pain medications so we know already. Why would it be okay for Donna to pull out all of her IV's and dehydrate and starve herself to death but a little to much morphine is not okay?  We are by no means hurrying Donna.  Do you think any of us want her to go?  Hell no, but we know she is going to anyway, so why should she waste away to nothingness in the process?  I know a lot of the things that those of us with cancer do and as far as I can tell we are all living our lives with as much gusto and purpose as we possibly can, however, planning for our end in a manner that does not involve suffering and wasting away to us is just another part of the cancer that we have to deal with.  It is no different than making sure our paper work is in order and our funerals are planned and paid for. Thinking about death may be a terrible thing if that is all we thought about, but it is the reality of our life Marty and I for one don't appreciate being told that I am selfish or full of gloom and doom just because I refuse to go the way both of my mother's did or because I am trying to have a plan B just in case I end up lingering the way my moms did.  You are right that taking a handful of pills is often just stupid because it doesn't always kill you it just leaves you in a vegetative state, but insulin, morphine or fentanyl patches would allow us to at least die without the indignity of having our loved ones watch us waste away.  No, there is no dignity in death, but there seems to be plenty of indignity and why that is okay with some people is completely beyond my comprehension. Those of you not facing this can't possibly know what it feels like to have to think of these things.  Discovering your own mortality is one thing, we all do that at about 40, but realizing that your death is going to come some 30 or 40 yrs before you thought it would & in a manner that you can't possibly understand unless you have cancer is quite different. You can't know the terror we all live with just thinking about what a horrible end we might come to and I don't think that it is a sin or pessimistic to take a little more of something than you might actually need.  It is certainly more humane than choking to death, or having your heart squeezed so tight it literally pops in your chest, or having your stomach in your throat and throwing up stuff that shouldn't be coming out of you because you punctured something with all that compressing. That's Donna's reality, that was my mother's reality and since nothing seems to have changed in forever it will probably be the reality for a lot of us.  It would be nice to think that I could go like my FIL.  He was doing pretty well until 3 days before he passed and than he was gone.  No lingering, no wasting, no gaunt hollow look, no starvation, no throwing up, just sleep and peace.  You advocate not interrupting the natural process but we do just that with the pain meds, nausea meds, glucose IV, saline IV's etc.  I am having a hard time figuring out why it is okay to put our dogs down, but not people.  We do it for our pets because we hate to see them suffer, but we are selfish if we suggest it for people?  I am sorry but that makes no sense at all.  I can only pray that the rest of us are as lucky as Leslee or my FIL and it ends quickly for us when our time comes.  Until than I am sure we will all live with as much enthusiam as this cancer allows.

[TrudieC]

I am so sorry that Donna is having to leave this world, her friends, and her Johnny this way.  Her suffering needs to end and I hope and pray that she is granted her peace.  

My love goes out to Donna and to you all.

Trudie

[marie3B]

I would not take my life either, but I hope that someone will do for me what my mom's doc allowed me to do for her.  We used as much morphine as it took to keep her from thrashing around in restless discomfort even though we used much more than is normally prescribed.  This allowed her peace and also I believe shortened the time it took for her to pass.  So many years later this still does not seem real.  It still seems like a horrible nightmare that this monster took my mom.  I love you all and feel that whatever anyone chooses to do is should be what is best for them and their loved ones.  The most personal of all experiences. Marie