Jan

[cirella]

Hi All,
I started this this AM and have updated it.  I decided to just leave it the way I wrote it originally and you'll see the edit.
****
Whew boy...I don't really post too much anymore and it is killing me to come here now to post this.  I don't have a lot of information but will be speaking to Lisa later today.  Lisa told me that Hospice is setting Jan up today.  I am very scared and part of me wants to run and not find out the truth but that won't happen.  What I wanted to do today is ask that those of you who know Jan, will you please post some thoughts so that Lisa can give them to Jan?  I want her to know just how deeply she is loved and missed on this forum.  Thank you.  I will start.
**edit**  Lisa said that Hospice has set up a bed downstairs for Jan.  At this time, they are trying to get her pain regulated.  It sounds like she's either over medicated and sleeping or awake and in pain.  I really hope they can get that to a point where she can be as comfortable as can be without sleeping all the time.  It sounds as if she has a blockage of some sort.

All who know Jan knows that she is a fighter.  I know she is fighting her hardest right now and will continue to do so.  I want her to fight with all her might but I also want her to realize that it's OK if she just cannot fight any longer.  I pray that the Lord holds Jan and her family closely to him.  I pray that Jan feels the love and comfort of her Father.  Lord, I ask you to cast out fear if there is any and replace it with peace.  This is my prayer for Jan, her family and all of us.  I know that I am afraid, mad, sad.  I don't want to lose my friend but I also don't want her to be in pain any longer.  I'd better stop now but I could go on and on...**end edit**

My Dear Buddy, Jan,
I can hardly choke this out.  I feel that all through our friendship I have tried to think about anything but today.  I've wanted to give you a normal friendship, knowing that we met on an ovarian cancer site but still...   I came on here with questions, like anyone else.  I felt a little guilty for blabbering my stuff when there were women on here dealing with their cancer when I was in limbo-land.  You drew me out, got me talking and our friendship formed.

In the short time we've known each other there have been some kind of wild and strange things happen on this forum.  Some have hurt me as I am sure you have been affected by the fakes but the difference between us is that you see people in such a unique way.  Maybe that's the lawyer in you?  You have been able to come back here and give the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.  You see people for who they are and you certainly call em like you see em.  I LOVE that about you.  That quality is so child-like and pure and if we all took the time to really listen to our gut like you do it would sure as h*ll cut out a lot of the bull.  If I do answer a post I usually ask myself...what would Jan say to this person?  Then I temper it down a little...LOL  ; )   No, really though, you have a way of telling the truth even if it may not be what someone wants to hear.  It may not be what they want to hear but it may be what they need to hear.

I know for a fact that you have helped many women here.  The forum hasn't been the same since you've been gone.  So many of the "old timers" aren't around much.  We've lost too many to death and some have gone off to other forums.  I'm so very thankful that we have kept in touch and I'm mostly thankful that we got to meet last year.  To put your beautiful face and tiny body together with your ferocious, huge, loving, giving and honest heart was something I will treasure forever.  I remember I kept asking you if you were OK.  Finally you said, "Lori, you haven't been around a lot of cancer patients, have you?"  LOL  The answer was NO and I guess it showed.  LOL  Not sure why that makes me chuckle but it does.

You are one person who sees beauty around you.  You nurture.  You care.  You live and love.  And, I love you.
L

[TrudieC]

My dearest Jan, I joined this forum just over a year ago before there was a cyst forum.  It was just after you dealt with the fakes and yet you still embraced and welcomed and trusted me.  You made me feel so special by sharing your friendship and introducing me to so many other magnificent women.  I was and am so honored.  I rejoiced in reading your 'tell it like it is' responses and appreciated your wit and intelligence.  You protected the forum and worked so hard to make it a place where women with cancer could freely express their thoughts and fears.

I loved our chats and will hold the stories and secrets from your past close in my heart.  I shared my personal problems and you gave me such a reality check.  You pushed me and gave me the strength to confront my husband and force him to go out to work.  This has changed and improved my marriage beyond my expectations.

I so regret that I have not met you or heard your voice and so wish I could hug you, cradle you, rub your head and assure you as a mother would.  You are so special and I miss you terribly.  I pray that you can be relatively pain free for the rest of your time so you can share with those you love.  I'm glad that Cory is there with you and that you and Lisa had this time together.  How I would have loved a big sister like you.

Take care my angel.  You are so loved.

Trudie

[lucymullis]

Dearest Jan,
I wish you peace and miss you.

[ireneo]

Dear Little One,  There's so much in my heart but I don't know how to write it down. That's a first since I tend to say too much. Like Trudi, I came here before there was a cyst forum and just wanted to learn a bit about my old ovary learning new tricks. Hmm. I've always enjoyed reading your posts because you can speak your mind, smack someone in the rear when they need it and also pour on the love and tenderness when someone is hurting. You are a wonderful, amazing woman. I haven't met you face to face but you've taken hold of my heart and I'll never let you go. Well done, my little firecracker.

Love you so much,  Irene

[SimplyStar]

My dear friend, like you when you knew about Leslee, you didn't have the words to tell how you felt, now I don't  have any.  You seem eternal to me, too tough to give in to anything,  I like so many others ask the question, WHY, there is no answer to that, I kinda think God picks a very special group of women to endure this disease,  You are special Jan, Cory is also, to stand alongside anyone you love when something like this happens, is so difficult,  I just want you to know that I have not stopped praying for you and will continue to hope you can weather this and come back to us, we do miss you.  Love , Marty

[marie3B]

Jan,  Most of the strength I have now I have gotten from you.  Can you believe I finally have cut down my baby-sitting??  You have given me the back bone I need to take care of myself for a change.  I think of you and I see beauty, courage, strength and a huge loving heart.  I see your face in every beautiful flower I see.  When I see a weed I don't walk past any more I pull it out for you.  Be free of pain know how very much you are loved.  My prayers are with you and your family.  Peace and love, Marie

[PinkTissue]

I wished I am able to hug you physically. I miss you not only at the forum, but also our private chit-chats. I missed your wicked humour. You have once said that if it hasn't be this disease, we would not have 'met'. I am glad that I have 'met' you and have known you. You have given much help and comfort to me when I needed the most.

I would be praying for you and your family.

[Tybear]

Jan....
To think, I'm here complaining because I feel like I can't take this anymore...
I sit in awe of you every single day Jan, wondering how you do this? How you hold your head so very high in spite of the obstacles in front of you. How you continue to be such a source of support to those in need when,  all the while, your in need of support yourself. How you keep on fighting against this terrible monster knowing  that there are no guarantees in life.
You have no idea how much you have affected not only my life, but the countless others who visit this forum each and every single day. You are the one who could always be counted on to protect our little group here...I know I always have you in my corner, no matter what. I can't say that about too many other people in my life...
I feel like Marty nailed it on the head when she said she always thinks of you as eternal...that's exactly how I feel.
Jan, I know I can't be there to hug you or just to listen to you but I want you to know, I am always here...always.
I hope you can find some comfort in all the loving messages left here for you.
You remain in my prayers...
Love you,
Becky xx

[junamgen]

Dear Jan,
Very sorry to hear your situation. Just want you to know you have been well loved by so many and are the inspiration for me.

Peace and Love
jun

[gah_70]

Jan,

There is so much I want to say, but I know I would never get it out and make sense.  From the moment you "set foot" in this forum, you made a difference.  You made it your duty to post and help those who came here for answers.  Your honesty has always been refreshing.  This disease is not pretty, yet some don't want expose how brutal it really can be.  I think we learned to have strength from you.  We learned to go on and face another day, even when things really s*ck!  You became a friend to all of us.  You were one of the first people I met in person from the forum.  That was a great meeting because I don't think either of us knew what to expect.  But it was such a good visit.  I can't tell you how honored I am to have gotten to know you.  I miss reading your posts, and only wish you felt well enough to post again.  

You know I am not that far away.  If you or Cory need anything at all, please don't hesitate to ask.  If you're up for a visit, let me know that, too.  I'd love to come to Nashville some weekend and visit with you.  Please take care.  I love you both.

Gail

[gma718]

I dont even know where to begin as I sit here with tears in my eyes....Jan, you were the one who always made me feel welcomed even though I didnt suffer from this horrendous and horrific disease...you were the one who always was the first one who listened and responded to whatever questions I have had...you were one of the first women who guided me through many of my fears during my health situation...you were the one who always put a smile on my face and made me laugh...I sit here so astonished at what is happening to you. You are a fighter...someone I truly admire...someone with whom I have shared with...someone I truly respect as such an honorable caring woman who has such dignity, pride and compassion...You are someone who has touched my life immensely...You found beauty in the simplest things and have taught me many of lifes lessons...You opened your heart and soul for everybody on this forum...I wish you peace Jan...I wish you comfort...I wish your family comfort and peace as well....Please know that my prayers and thoughts are with you always....Love ya, Gia xoxoxo

[Mary 53]

I am so sad tonight. I often don't allow myself to feel deep emotions and I have spent years trying to figure out why that is. But tonight I know exactly what I am feeling and the my  emotions tonight are as raw as they are deep. Yet, somehow, I don't feel like thinking that this recognition of my feelings tonight is 'progress' because I would rather just be feeling anticipation... I would rather be anticipating hearing what was going on in your life, Jan. I would rather be anticipating reading your latest post; impressed by your commentary and your beautiful writing and your insight. Your insight was amazing. Amazing.

I was intrigued by you from the start. I wanted to get to know you. You are like this magnet of strength and much like what I am hearing from the others tonight, I knew I could learn from you. What I did not realize was that I would not only learn from you, but that you would become a friend of mine.

Look at the outpouring of love, Jan! Don't EVER doubt just how incredibly special you are to us, Jan. The forum was changed forever the moment you arrived... you brought vitality, honesty, strength, and passion to this little corner of the powerful Internet world. Thank you for giving new life to my world, Jan.

Holding you in my heart and wishing you peace and freedom from pain,

Much love, Mary

[Sandymac]

Dear Jan,
    For some reason, I just never thought that I would be writing a note such as this. I still find myself looking for your posts . You are truly so missed ! I, along with others, joined this forum when there was no cyst forum. I was struck immediately by your strength , wisdom and, of course, humor. My one regret is that we never spoke in person and that I never met you . I only wish I could wave some magic wand and "fix" this for  you.
    There are simply no words to convey how much I admire you.. You are the poster child for "say what you mean, and mean what you say"!! You are truly loved and missed. My prayers are with you, Cory and your incredible family..

Love,
Sandy

[Flicka0459]

Wonderful Ladies,

Your thoughts and prayers for Jan are overwhelming.  Her nurse is looking at me right now like I'm crazy because I'm crying.  Luckily Jan can't hear tears, but she can hear everything else.  Her hearing has always been good and especially now. Cory and I took turns staying up with her.  And NO this is not a death watch as she puts it.  It's just I want to spend as much time with her before I leave Saturday.  Jan I talked on and off for hours last night reliving funny stories and boy do we have some whoppers.  Also, we got some things settle as to what to do when it's time.  The nurse Betty, comes in at 8:00 a.m. and leaves around 3:00 and then Cory and I take over. She's had some wonderful friends drop by and drop off food.  We eating Hi on the hog.  Jan's appetite has been good.  Up until Monday, she was eating a few times a day.  But now it's just maybe a meal and and maybe a snack each day. You know Jan she loves her fruit.  I know I'm babbling but if I stop typing I start crying, so bear with me.  Right now she's sleeping sort of. She wakes up every few minutes and then falls back asleep.  Jan has her moments when she'll stay awake for half hour and we'll talk about family or flowers or the forum.  

Marie, Jan will be glad that you aren't baby sitting as much.  She told me about that yesterday and I will pass it along that you finally are looking after yourself.  She speaks all of you often and wishes you all well.

Lori,  Thank you so much for putting all this on the forum.  I will keep you all posted

Lisa

[nyc lady]

Jan , Cory, Lisa - my thoughts are with all of  you.  

Jan - thanks for allowing us to be part of  your courageous battle.  Know that there are many of us left behind that will continue to be "your" voice as we fight to raise awareness and education about this dreaded disease.  

I hope that you are free from pain.

Sending lots of love from NYC,
Pam

[henning]

I have never had the honor to talk to you on this forum, yet I feel the impact you have had on this forum through these wonderful ladies. I have found strength from these ladies, they have taken me in when i neede someone the most. They educate and give wisdom and strength to those who come here seeking answers, they calm your fears and listen to a person. They take time out of their lives to help others. They care about anyone who comes to this form. They offer prayers to a person and their families.

I do believe that God picks those that are special in His eyes and they are his Angels on this earth and through God they are able to give compassion, wisdom, courage and strength to others.

Jan, you are the mentor. You have given yourself freely to help others. Your presence is etrenal. You have passed on your compassion, wisdom, courage and strength to others on this forum . You are a Angel on this earth.

Prayers to you all
Penny

[Searching48507]

Jan,

I'm praying for comfort and peace to you at this time.  You were there for me when I needed you.  You helped to provide me with both the perspective of a daughter as well as a mother and for that, I'm so very much appreciative.

God Bless,

Karen

[justscore]

Jan.........
Through tears I type this........  tears because I am SO ANGRY and tears because my heart is breaking for you and your family.  I continue to pray for your miracle and miracles for everyone who battles the beast each day.  You helped me so much when I first came here.  I was scared and worried and a mess and you were there to help me find answers.  It is because of STRONG women like you that I have stayed in this forum and follow your progress and try to do my part to find answers or even just put a smile on someone's face.  You, Donna, Leslee, Becky and so many others are the inspiration behind the memory and hope garden.  YOU are a miracle and I am so glad Lisa is there with you.  Rest and I hope you find the peace you seek.

Heidi

[fungirl1011]

Jan, it saddens me so very much to see this post.  I am not the best at writing down what I want to say, but I am going to give it my best shot (hope it makes sense ;)  When you and I first "met", we did not get along all that well.  I remember one post that you and I were just bickering  back and forth.  I also remember Gail telling me that you asked her if I was a "real" person or a "fake".  I can definatley see where you may have questioned me.  Then came that magical weekend last year when I got to actually meet you.  I have to say that I was pleasently surprised and could not believe how well we hit it off.  You are such a beautiful person, inside and out!  You are one of the strongest women I have ever met.  You inspired me to "take the tiger by it's tail" and demand that my doctors listen to what I had to say.   I can't begin to say that I know what you (or any of the ladies with cancer) are going through, but God gave me broad shoulders for a reason....I am great at listening and helping others with thier problems.  I know I can't take away your pain, but I am praying for you all the time.  I pray that God grants you peace and that he lets you be pain free.  I also pray that He holds you in his hands and gives you comfort and strength.  I pray that you see His glorious face in all the beauty that is surrounding you and that He shows you how very much you are loved.  I truely miss you bein on here.  I miss your wisdom, honesty, caring, but most importantly, your friendship.  Please know that we are here for you and Cory anytime you need us.  We love you so much and hope to see you back here soon.  Rest, and take care of YOU and do not worry about us.  We love you, Kasie

[jane65]

Dear Jan,
I wish you and your loved ones strength and peace.
In behalf of every woman on this forum, thank you for all the help and support you've given us, now it's our turn to return the support to you.
I wish you tranquility and to be pain free.
Gentle Hugs,
Jane

[ladyjogger31]

I wish you much peace and am praying for you and Cory. You have been an inspiration to me. Lifting you up in prayer.
Love and Hugs, Terry

[dawnlyn]

Oh my....I am not sure what to say....Lori, thank you for bringing this to the forum....I have been wondering where the old timers have been. - so to speak.....

Jan....You are one of the strongest and willful women I will ever have  the pleasure to meet even if it is only on the internet..........I feel a connection to you and to all the women on this forum....You all took the time to guide me when I needed it the most while you and the rest of the ladies here were all dealing with your own demons...Jan you are a very special lady and I wish I could see your garden.....We talked once of starting rose bushes under jars......Grandma's ways........I am thinking of you and yours and praying from the bottom of my heart.......I love you.....Dawnlyn

[butterflytc]

I am late in responding to Cirella's wonderful post for you Jan, and so sorry to hear hospice is in. This is the hard part for me, saying good bye to those we love. It only seems like yesterday, meeting you and the other ladies in Springfield. The reading of all the angels we have lost to ovca in our balloon ceremony, and the flowing of tears, wondering if we would all meet again a year later. I cried knowing this moment would probably come for some of us in that circle, but came away from it happy to have gotten the chance to meet each and everyone of you, putting a face to the hardships, somehow making the  words come alive for me. Now when I read the daily struggles, I see an image of each of you. Jan my image of you is a strong feisty little thing of a woman, with a husband who cares so much. I will always see you lying on a blanket tending flowers in your garden (including the flower hats!). You changed the board in many ways, with your strength and dedication, to those you love, and determination to fight those who were here to only cause trouble, and do harm. I am blessed to have you on my friends list, greatful to have met you in person, and thankful to have had the chance to hug you, hear your laughter, and meet your loving husband Cory. I am so glad Lisa is able to spend some time with you now, as I know the love of a younger sister who lifts my spirits in hard times. Stay strong, for her Lisa, Stay loving for her Cory, and Jan know you are loved and thought of daily, with prayers for strength, peace and pain free days. all my love always.
butterflyTc

[ChrisP2236]

Dear Jan,
I’m late responding because I was out of town over the holiday but I thought of you and prayed for you often while I was away. I am so sad to hear about the turn things have taken for you. You were one of the first people to welcome me to this forum and befriend me. I was still adjusting to the shock of being diagnosed and you let me know I could face whatever happened with courage and dignity.  Your postings have educated and encouraged so many of us, and your genuine interest in each of us has been such a blessing.  We miss you.  

It was truly wonderful to meet you and Cory this past summer.  I know you felt chemo-brained out that day, but Dave and I really enjoyed your direct talk, your honesty about how you were feeling, and sharing a little bit about our lives with each other.  We also enjoyed Cory’s sweet spirit and gentle nature.  It was so nice to be able to hug you in person rather than send a hug via email.  I hope that you are at peace and without pain, that you know how very special you are to all of us and how much you are loved.  You have changed our lives for the better, and that is something we’ll always remember.  Much love to you and Cory, and thank you Lisa, for the update.  Chris P

[lvfrogs]

Thank you Lori, for posting this.  When I came on here seeking help and questions, Jan was one of the first to respond in her unique way of telling it like it is, lol. But she was always so incredibly helpful, caring for everyone on here, informative, loving, funny and kind. I see hats, I think of Jan and how beautiful she looks in them. I tend to my rose bushes outside and I think of Jan and her love of flowers. I will always be grateful to her for showing me what a strong woman is, how a strong woman copes, and how the love of a good man and wonderful woman friends can mean the most in this world. I pray that God will hold you in his arms, bring you comfort and peace. I pray also that God will bring comfort, understanding and love to Cory and to Lisa. Through the difficult times ahead, please know that you are loved and have touched my life in ways that you will never know. Huge Hug, Colleen