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Avatar universal

Assault, sex, crying, shame

Hi, so my backstory is that I was sexually assaulted about a year and a half ago, and then proceeded to self-medicate and become promiscuous (drunk/high for most encounters) for certain coping reasons. I hadn't had sex for months and months after I decided I was becoming a "drunken *****". So then this past August, I had sex with my ex boyfriend who I had been with for 2.5 years when I was 17 (am 21 now), and after wards I just cried, gave the cold shoulder, got my things together and then just left. He tried to kiss me hug me blah blah blah but I couldn't even stand looking at him. So then a couple nights ago, I had a similar incident. He is a friend of about 4 years, we had sex a couple years ago, and nothing really went beyond that except friendship. So he came over a couple nights ago just to catch up, and then we started fooling around, and it was consensual, and I felt like I was just going through the motions... like I had been with the ex boyfriend. So then after that I cried, quickly got dressed, gave him his clothes, and basically gave him the boot. I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right forum (posted in sexual health as well), but any insight is welcome. Thank you.
Best Answer
Avatar universal
Hey Brenda.... perhaps I can offer some help/assistance.  I have a new found understanding about PTSD.  First off, I am not a doctor or a mental health care provider.  Either one of them would be a preferred option, but coming to this board is a good first step.  Congratulations for making a decision about addressing this issue!  That is often the biggest first step, and not realizing there is a problem only allows the problem to continue.

Congratulations on not drinking either!  I was in the bar business for 20 years, and I can tell you first hand that alcohol never solved anyone's problems.  Doing what you are doing now has solved a lot of peoples problems, so good on you.

I think what is happening with your recent sexual encounters, even though they were consented to, you have attached them to the sexual assault probably on the sub conscious level.  The fear, terror, hurt and shame from the assault you have attached to these events..... (You didn't want too, but the mind is trying to tell you a couple of things here.)  By the way, the mind does some things that act as protection, but it does so in a weird way.  You wanted to have a good time with these sexual encounters, but your mind is trying to protect you by saying, "Hey... this is kind of like the sexual assault.  You know what happened then, we don't want to deal with that pain now."  At the same time, your mind is telling you that although these other encounters were supposed to be gratifying, you need a bit of help getting over the assault.

So here's my suggestion, and I hope it helps.  I'd suggest looking for some help by either your primary health care provider or perhaps someone who specializes in mental health issues pertaining PTSD,  They will be able to break down better, what is actually going on inside your mind.  This is treatable, and you totally made the right decision about bringing this issue out in the open anonymously.... it doesn't have the face to face awkwardness, you know?  That part of this is easy to get over, as a therapist keeps everything anonymous and what happens there stays there.  Be open, 100% with your therapist.  Tell them everything.  Getting all of the ugly details out there makes treatment go faster/easier... not that it will be either fast or easy.  (P.S. I am sorry you had to go through that horrible encounter.... nobody deserves to be treated like that.)

Between yourself and a therapist, you will be able to address all issues and know full well that you don't have any accountability to the assault.  (We can only control ourselves)  This will enable you to start to discern which encounters are favorable and unfavorable.  It will also start to allow you to live life with more fluidity.  (You probably tie different encounters to the assault, do you not?  That too, with what you're going thru is normal)  

You can do this, but professional help and a commitment to your health by you is necessary to get this going.  You've made the first step in the right direction.  :)

I wish you good luck, and you can find me on here if you need someone to bounce something off of.
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Avatar universal
Hi Brenda I feel your pain I am a rape victim bi polar borderline and suffer from PTSD sexual promiscuity is a side effect of these disorders I'm told and have lived don't beat yourself up. I'm married and manage to get in predicaments so my only advice because everyone's different is keep with your meds and get as much psychological help as you can albeit expensive they help you think before you take a random path of destruction I'm sorry for what you've been through and I hope it gets better
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yeah Brenda, you're more than welcome.  The thing with therapy is, some things we get to the bottom of really fast and some things take a while.  I think a support group would be a fantastic idea if you are willing to share your story.  I think you'll find a lot of similarity with others stories, and you'll probably be able to apply some of what works with those to your particular situation.  (Too, make sure you share what you find in a support group with your therapist.  She/he may advise you to discontinue or redirect you to a different group.)  The bottom line is, as my therapist said.... whatever works, works and that's what we'll stick with.

In addressing some of my issues, I began to read and study every bit of information pertaining to my diagnosis.  Man, I learned so much in such a short period of time.  So many different authors, so many ideas and they all pertained to me in one way or another.  In fact, I was reading and studying so much that my therapist asked me to back off for a while and let it all sink in.  I literally had too much information to digest it all.  

What I have found helpful is, in therapy... take some notes.  Either mental or physically write them down.  As time goes by, maybe between sessions, you'll be able to make a connection between certain things that perhaps you didn't get in session.  Quite often I'd have an epiphany.... something would trigger in my brain and I could directly attach it to something that was said or happened in therapy.  If we can make those connections, we can learn alot about whats happening with us.

For what it's worth, I think your on the right track and you seem to have a realistic approach going on.  Keep in mind, there is no time frame on getting this thing figured out.  There just isn't.... the mind, the way it acts, and the way it stores information is just too complex to have the worlds problems solved in a day.  Keep after it, be vigilant, take your notes, pay attention to things around you.

Can I make another suggestion?  Do you enjoy reading?  (I'm far from religious, so I won't even begin to beat that drum...)  Have you ever heard of the author Deepak Chopra?  This man has written maybe 50 books, based primarily on the Buddhist beliefs, but so much of it is relative to any and all of our lives.  He has an approach to things on the metaphysical level, but conveys them in terms that you and I can understand. My wife turned me on to this stuff and it has proven invaluable.  It will just allow you to have a better understanding of whats happening around you.  Not just an understanding, but an awareness and appreciation for things...... I bet it will help you out, and will not come close to interfering with what is going on in therapy.

Be good!  Good luck!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
All of that makes sense, so I think you're right about being sober and having sex and then having it connect to the assault... because before I was self-medicating and would have sex and meh, didn't really have those strong scary feelings. I've been seeing a therapist for about a year, and she's really good. So, I think this will just take time and I've been thinking about joining a support group or something along those lines.
Thanks for understanding =)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I was not drunk for both of the sexual encounters for the ex bf and the friend from the other night. I was completely sober, and haven't had alcohol in almost a year. And guess what, I have limited friends to talk to. I am a recovering addict and have had to cut ties with all of my user friends, so there's your answer. This is a post traumatic stress disorder forum, what is your problem? The past two times I've had sex, which I described, I have cried and felt shame and guilt. AND BEEN SOBER. So, clearly you have no insight and had no business in answering my question. I would like to invite those who have had similar experiences to mine to respond to my post in a responsible manner. Sir or ma'am, please check yourself before you post responses which are uninformed and unwanted. Thanks!
Helpful - 0
784558 tn?1276007829
Have you no friends you can trust to talk to?Sex I understand, drunken behaviour not. If you know you behave irresponsibly when drunk you should accept the consequences when you decide to get drunk. Only you can sort out the things that trouble you, the answer is already in youir head, if you take the time for a quiet think. Hope you feel less troubled soon.
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