Since the day I hit boots on ground 2012-2013 tour to the day I woke out of my coma July 19 2013, life has not only been confusing but in all honesty I'm lost. How I feel today won't be the same next month, or wether I ate dinner or not tonight I guess I won't know but the point is on the inside I'm in pain because All the independent value I took so much pride in since the day I graduated an left for the army has depleted, self esteem wise, confidence in not only when I speak hoping I dont stutar or mix up words but learning wise I'm not allowed to goto school because medically I'm exempt meaning it would be to my best interest I didn't waste the 8 years of schooling I have waiting for me til I got to a "comfortabl Zone" but all this is set aside an pushed deep inside of me. caused by an addiction.... That addiction is the new man I see in the mirror today the one who has to isolate at family parties at least 6 times 10 to 30 mins to get a grip oN reality, or The fact I can't be the new me because he pushes all my family away by being so straightforward an flat out honest, so my family says few or no words or I leave to goto bathroom an hear them talk about me threw the vent an sometimes say hurtful things but I come right back out with a smile it sickens me to the point where isolate more, cry randomly, blackout from my blood pressure sky rocketing an I sit cry hoping I dont have a seizure, the reason I call it an addiction because of the fact I have no best friends or anyone I can count on really I was stationed on the east coast so my brothers in the military arnt in drivable distance, so sometimes I just buy my family with gifts or paying there bills just to see them happy around me, guess I could blaim this on my permanent brain damage from a severe traumatic brain injury , or my post traumatic stress disorder, maybe even my alcohol despondency from the past, but i refuse to sit there aN let my diagnosis define the person I am that is not who I am, an as each day goes by some better than the bad ones
I still see progress an I can still see the man I love in the mirror just have to live for what's in front of me an take it one day at a time , if your feeling somewhat similar please feel free to comment or mesg we can both not only learn from eachother but grow.
