Sounds like you are suffering and I am sorry, you paid the price for what you did, it is time to accept what happened and move on , are you on any meds do you drink or take anything to make you feel better ,as sometimes side effects can make us feel worse, have you had any counselling ,as in fact you have been through trauma albeit self inflicted., My opinion is that getting work and being busy would help you a lot, stop thinking back to what happened , our thoughts always make us feel bad,when you feel yourself going back, say STOP, and switch off the thoughts , ground yourself , fill up the void , your temper is bad because you are allowing it to be, take back control, take back your life , you have unwittingly made the first step to healing in coming here for others input....you have acknowledge the problem now its time to work to0 fix it, you will feel enpowered every step of the way...good luck
thank you for ya reply ,i would not take meds for it , am of strong mind and i really do think that i have learned to deal with it , my mind control in bad dreams is amazing in that i can take control of the situation and calm it or wake my self up , i ve had interesting child hood , my mam died when i was 3 , and my dad did not live with us me and my brother, so he returned and for the next 8 yrs socail service would call and ask us stuff , i ve all ways been bad temperd since young , i was bullied as a child it did nt bother me as they were all ways older and i , i ve seen top srinks waited a yr to see her, after prison, and said my head is a castle wall and best not be opened as i had deep traits she said , am happy with my life , a beat up many of my bullies yrs later in pubs , but am no bully , i am a changed person, and ptsd played a big part in that , anyway got new battle no my hands , dilated cardio myopthy left vent , i broke my ankle , and the mixed med valium , tramadol in my mind stopped is breathing in hos , e/f was 15 % doctors at freeman were amazed at how i looked , now its up 2 50% there call is mistry man
You tell an interesting story you have had a varied life , have you thought of getting it down like you have written it here, sell a book to help others ,, you do sound strong, which is a good thing it helps you through,.Sounds like some health Issues you are dealing with , how long ago were you in hospital . Being bullied is pretty awful many children have this happen to them it happens here in the US just the same , as you said you stand up to them , if you do that very often they leave you alone .Do you live at home with your brother , so you do have some company and your Dad is he still there .Good to talk to you .
I have recently learned that I have P.T.S.D. From a rough childhood. Learning the things that I avoid to keep myself safe. Keeps me very much alone because I don't trust people. I've tried to find a place to learn about P.T.S.D. recovery. Most groups deal with Military trauma not childhood trauma. I understand volunteering helps take your focus off you. Living second by second also helps. Not looking to my past but in the now! (It helps with flashbacks) We can't change what happened then but what we do (now) with ourselves is the most important thing! Thankyou