ptsd

[madscanman]

in 1995 i set out to burgle a social culb , with 3 friends , i was 19 at the time , unknowing to me it was a police sting , 50 officers were there watching us and a team of arm ones in side , they watched us get in , and then opened fired on us , killing my pall who was holding a tourch , i was put on remand and started to develop ptsd , i told the prison doctor and he just laughed with out laughing , i was sentanced to 5 yrs in prison , in which i deserved, but i had to deal with dreams and stuff , no help , its now 14 yrs on and i still get em most nights but i the learn how to control them in my sleep , i am not scared and seem to beable tell my self it s ok , i have violent dreams but i can beat the demounds up fly run fast and can wake my self up  if i need to , mad. . but i have to keep away from people when awke as i hate them even though i do not know em , i ve stopped going out as i would end up fighting my temper is crazy now , but i adderess it by staying in and going places were no 1 is about , am not a nasty person to my mates girlfriend , but  strangers i hate , am on the sick as i would be  back inside if some one told me what to do , guess i brought it on by doing what  i did that night , it dose not affect my life as i work round it and bad dreams i enjoy . hope u s find away round it andrew 33

[gristler]

I have recently learned that I have P.T.S.D. From a rough childhood. Learning the things that I avoid to keep myself safe. Keeps me very much alone because I don't trust people. I've tried to find a place to learn about P.T.S.D. recovery. Most groups deal with Military trauma not childhood trauma. I understand volunteering helps take your focus off you. Living second by second also helps. Not looking to my past but in the now! (It helps with flashbacks) We can't change what happened then but what we do (now) with ourselves is  the most important thing! Thankyou

[margypops]

You tell an interesting story you have had a varied life , have you thought of getting it down like you have written it here, sell a book to help others ,, you do sound strong, which is a good thing  it helps you through,.Sounds like some health Issues you are dealing with , how long ago were you in hospital . Being bullied is pretty awful many children have this happen to them it happens here in the US just the same , as you said you stand up to them , if you do that very often they leave you alone .Do you live at home with your brother , so you do have some company and your Dad is he still there .Good to talk to you .  

[madscanman]

thank you for ya reply ,i would not take meds for it , am of strong mind and i really do think that i have learned to deal with it , my mind control in bad dreams is amazing in that i can take control of the situation and calm it or wake my self up , i ve had interesting child hood , my mam died when i was 3 , and my dad did not live with us me and my brother, so he returned and for the next 8 yrs socail service would call and ask us stuff , i ve all ways been bad temperd since young , i was bullied as a child it did nt bother me as they were all ways older and i , i ve seen top srinks waited a yr to see her, after prison, and said my head is a castle wall and best not be opened as i had deep traits she said , am happy with my life , a beat up many of my bullies yrs later in pubs , but am no bully , i am a changed person, and ptsd played a big part in that , anyway got new battle no my hands , dilated cardio myopthy left vent , i broke my ankle , and the mixed med valium , tramadol in my mind stopped is breathing in hos , e/f was 15 % doctors at freeman were amazed at how i looked , now its up 2 50% there call is mistry man

[margypops]

Sounds like you are suffering and I am sorry, you paid the price for what you did, it is time to accept what happened and move on , are you on any meds do you drink or take anything to make you feel better ,as sometimes side effects can make us feel worse, have you had any counselling ,as in fact you have been through trauma albeit self inflicted., My opinion is that getting work and being busy would help you a lot, stop thinking back to what happened , our thoughts always make us feel bad,when you feel yourself going back, say STOP, and switch off the thoughts , ground yourself , fill up the void , your temper is bad because you are allowing it to be, take back control, take back your life , you have unwittingly made the first step to healing in coming here for others input....you have acknowledge the problem now its time to work to0 fix it, you will feel enpowered every step of the way...good luck