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1187071 tn?1279369698

More pain to deal with

Hello Everyone, I wanted to post a question to see if I could get some answers. Karen told everyone I had a pretty bad car accident, it has been really hard on me. Some guy pulled out infront of me and I Tboned him pretty good. I was going about 40 mph when I hit him. I bruised my leg and hand and foot. Day 4 after the accidnet when I was suppose to be getting better I started to get worse, I was having alot of pain in my leg to the point it was really hard to walk on. I went to the dr and she sent me for a ultrasound on my leg and they found a cyst behind my knee and a blood clot in my leg. I had to take 2 shots a day for 6 days and now I am on coumadin. I have to get my blood tested once a week to see how thin my blood is. She said it will take atleast 6 months for the blood clot to go away. Has anyone had a blood clot in the leg and how long does the pain last? Or if you know someone who has had to deal with it. I am back to work but it is really hard to stand on my leg but I deal with it. I really hate all this added pain to my body, I am on the patch but it don't seem to help much. Heat does help at night.

On another note my life has been turned upside down. My mom has passed away. It has been the hardest thing I have had to go thru. I cry everyday sometimes all day. She went to sleep and on 11-14-10 my dad went in to see if she was awake and she was gone. We had no clue this was going to happen. Im having a really hard time with it. My world is dark now. With me crying all the time it is hurting my face pain even more. I am so lost now. Words can't say how bad this hurts. I have never known this kind of hurt in my life, I feel broken and lost and I miss her so much. We was very close and i don't think i will ever feel normal again.
Thanks
Jamie
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547368 tn?1440541785
Hi Jamie,

I did want to tell you how very, very sorry I am to hear about the passing of your mom. As you may recall my father recently passed on, in my home....after years of sharing my home and heart with me ...he is physically gone from my life. I miss him every single moment of the day.

I know the pain of losing a close parent. So my heart goes out to you. You are right, words cannot express the pain that grief can bring. The horrible crushing pain of loss does ease a bit with time.....but after almost six months my pain is still very deep and close. Dad and I were so very close all my life . He loved me unconditionally as I did him. Strong, wonderful and very rare, "Unconditional Love."  Where else do we have that but from but a parent(s) and maybe children?  I am sure you had that from your mom.

I hope you will draw on your faith to help you through this time. Between my faith, my husband and a very, very dear friend I am finally managing. I encourage you to draw on all of these too.

What my wonderful dad left me was gifts of the heart. Gifts that cannot be put in words. He taught me to be honest, hard working, to love my fellow man and this wonderful earth that God gave us. He took me to Church and Sunday school where my faith and love of the Lord and our Savior developed and grew. And now that is what I am left with....all those gifts and so many more that would be much too long to list. And I hope and believe that your mom must have left you the same or similar.

Your mom may have left this earth but she never left you. She will always be in your heart. She will live on through you. I try to do the things that would make my dad proud and to try to make a difference in this world. That is my goal, to make my dad proud of what he helped create, me.  You may want to have a similar goal.

There are no words I can say that will ease your grief right now. Just know that I am and have been praying for you and that you are not alone. Be good to yourself. Do the things that bring you comfort. Cry when you need to...for me over that last several months in has calmed down from frequent, uncontrollable sobbing often through the day to daily tears. Again, be good to yourself. Do only what you must do when your grief is overwhelming. Hang in dear-heart.

Don't forget we do have a Grief and Loss Forum, if you are so inclined to visit or join them.  

Blessing and (((HUGS))),
~Tuck
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Avatar universal
I am so very sorry about the loss of your mom.  Tuck's words are so beautiful and comforting it brought me to tears. I lost my mom 4.5 years ago.  She died the day after my birthday.  (I am convinced she waited for my birthday to pass.)

My mom was my best friend and biggest cheerleader.  I always felt I could accomplish anything with her encouragement.  I miss her every day and still get a little teary at some point in the day.  I also still have times where the loss will hit me so deeply and I'll have a great big cry.  But I also smile most days when I think of her. And I laugh with my kids and my family and friends.  We have great memories.

My mom was 83 and lived a good life.  She was ready to go and we had talked about it a lot as she had a chronic lung condition.  It's actually surprising she lasted as long as she did.  I cared for her, along with my sister, brother and dad and hospice and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but also one of the things I'm most proud of.

In some ways, maybe, I was fortunate to know it was coming sooner rather than later.  Losing someone suddenly is a terrible shock.  But my mom had a lot of suffering in some ways and that's hard to witness. There is a little comfort when you know someone didn't suffer.

I have a strong faith but even with that I have struggled with the loss.  I hope you have someone you can talk to ... someone who also loved your mom that you can laugh and cry with.  There is no timetable for grieving.  Allow yourself to grieve.  I know for me losing my mom has left a huge hole in my heart.  

Find a way that you can honor your mom and still feel the connection. Maybe you both shared a love of gardening or reading.  We planted a tree in our yard in honor of my mom. And there's one other thing I do to feel connected to her. My mom always told me to be kind to myself and put myself first once in a while.  I always put my kids first, just like she did.  My mom loved Christmas. She was more about the religious aspect of it BUT she loved trying to talk my kids into telling her what we got her for Christmas.

Twice a year I now honor my mom by taking her advice ... since I don't buy presents for her anymore, on Christmas and on my birthday I treat myself to something extravagant.  Something just for me.  It doesn't necessarily have to be expensive but it has to be something I normally wouldn't buy for myself.  One year it was nice sunglasses. Another year it was a gorgeous purse.  It could be a piece of costume jewelry or a new book. It makes me feel closer to her knowing that I was doing something nice for myself.

Your loss is still new and raw.  I agree with Tuck about being good to yourself.  It helps you heal.  Like Tuck, I also had days with uncontrollable sobbing; sometimes when it wasn't the most private spot (like a restaurant or a bookstore.)  I know for a long time I was just going through the motions, trying to smile on the outside even though my heart was broken and even now, on occasion, I can still be somewhat immobilized by my grief. But it does help to have someone to talk to that's gone through it.

I so wish there were words that would bring you comfort, but there really isn't.  I had a friend who knew my mom well.  She lost her dad 3 weeks before I lost my mom and we shared our grief together.

You'll be in my prayers.  And also your dad.  I hope he's doing okay.
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Avatar universal
HI Jamie,

Again, I want to express my sincere sorrow to you for the loss of your Sweet Mother.  I KNOW how close you both were and the emptiness that you are experiencing now!!

To have someone so young be taken from you so unexpectedly and quickly, is unexplainable.  Sometimes we just don't know why God chooses to do these things and sometimes we NEVER will know why!!!  I wish there was an answer for you but I'm sure there is nothing that would make sense to you now!!

As I've said before, having lost my Mother also, it is a Special loss that no one can understand that hasn't gone through it, unless they have lost a parent that they were close to.  The closeness that you and your Mother had is something that will be as fresh in your mind 50 years from now as it is today!! You will NEVER lose that. I lost my Mom 16 years ago and all I have to do is look at a picture or see something that she made or look at a piece of furniture that I have that belonged to her and the memories come flooding back.  Don't EVER fear that you will forget these things because you WON'T!!! They will, forever, be with you for the rest of your life!!!  

Now, you will be to Dani and Austin, the one to help keep their memories, of their Beloved Grandmother, alive for them.  Who better to do it, than the person that loved her the most  -   YOU!!!  You will be the one to tell them the stories of when YOU were young and ALL of the WONDERFUL things that you learned from your Mom!!  You can tell them the funny stories about things that happened with your Mom that bring a smile to YOUR face EVERYTIME that you think about them.  ONLY YOU can do this! NO ONE ELSE!!  Eventually, you will get to the point that everytime you sit and tell them one of these WONDERFUL stories, a WARM feeling will come over you and I PROMISE you that it will be YOUR Mom hugging you!!! I PROMISE that it WILL happen. It may not be today BUT it will happen!!!!

One of the things that helped me the most, when I lost my Mom and Dad 6 weeks apart, was to get out the OLD Photo albums and sit and look through them.  I CRIED A LOT!!! As well as LAUGHED A LOT!!! Eventually, this horrific emptiness WILL go away.  There will still be a smaller feeling of emptiness that may NEVER leave BUT it will be smaller and NOT so overpowering!!  The smaller emptiness will ALSO have a feeling of GREAT LOVE wrapped up in it.  

Honey, you will ALSO be the ONE person that can help your Dad through his grief!  When he needs to cry - you will b there to cry with him.  When he needs to laugh - you will be there to laugh with him. When he needs to remember - you will be the ONE and ONLY that can reminisce about the special memories and experiences that ONLY you and your Mom had together!!!

I know that it's VERY hard to do this now but understand that she is watching over You and Dani and Austin and Glenn ALL the time!!! She will NEVER leave you. When your days are the darkest  -  get out those pictures and sit down and have a GOOD CRY!!!
It will help you MORE than you will EVER know!!!

Be sure that you DON'T push people away that are trying to console you.  I KNOW that Glenn will be a HUGE help to you in the upcoming days and months. Hold him and his love close and take comfort in it.  Let Glenn hold you and comfort you.  I'm so glad that you have him.  My Jean was a GREAT comfort to me.

Jamie, you are a VERY strong person that will make it through this. I PROMISE you that you will.

What Tuck suggested about the "Grief and Loss Forum" is an EXCELLENT idea!!! You will have MANY people there that are going through this at the same time that you are.

God Bless and keep you, Jamie!!

I'm sending you Warm HUGS!!!........Mama Sherry



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1187071 tn?1279369698
Everyones words helps so much. My mom meant the world to me. When I was young it seemed I was getting into trouble all the time so when I got married I told my mom I will make you proud of me. So i made it my goal to make my mom very proud of me. I have told her over and over again how lost I will be without her and how much I love her and how much she means to me. She has told me over and over that I did make her proud and that I am a great mother to my kids. Can I still make her proud of me? I hope I can cause I will keep doing it and making her see what kind of woman that she raised. I want her to be proud of me. My dad is doing ok. I call him every other day and he will call me when he needs to talk. He called last night and read a poem to me about someone grieving and it hit our feelings right on the nose. We cried together and laughed together. He keeps saying I remind him of my mom which is a good thing. He is a harley biker guy but I have finally seen his soft side. He cries just like me, he loves just like me and he misses her with all of his heart just like me. We are so much closer now and I know that would make my mom very proud. When he called me last night he said he was looking at my picture and needed to talk to me. I called him today to see how he was doing. He is ready to go back to work, I thought going back to work would help me but it only makes it worse cause I think more. The birthday card to a mom really hurt me yesterday. I feel a big hole in my heart that can never be filled again. My kids really miss her also and they have helped me thru this too. My husband has been the best, he has stepped up and showed me how much he loves me and how he is here for me and he keeps saying he wishes he could take the pain away and make it better but nothing will only time, it won't get better but it might get easier.
Thank you Mellie, Tuck and Sherry. I know talking to people that has lost a parent does really help me and your words have been great. Im not taking one day at a time I am taking 1 minute at a time, that is all I can do. It really hurts. I miss her so much. I read at my moms furenal, I wanted to, I wanted her to know how I felt about her again. Everyone keeps telling me what a great job I did, I wrote it myself and it was so hard to read it but I had to. I wanted to share what I said to my mom.

"Judy was not only a great mother she was also a great wife, a great sister, a great daughter and a awesome grandma and my best friend.

I almost lost my mom 8 years ago. Her body was full of blood clots. My dad took her to the hospital. They kept drugging her up and my dad asked “what are you guys doing” they said “We are sorry but there isn’t much we can do so we are making her comfortable until she passes” My dad said “the he** you are” and had her moved to Riverside where they saved her life.
When my mom was really sick I was pregnant with my son Austin. My mom kept telling me that she kept dreaming of her new grandson and knew she had to fight for her life so she could meet him, they had a bound that no one could break! I want to thank my dad, his choice of having my mom moved gave me 8 great more years with her.

I am going to miss my moms smile, her laugh, her emails, her hugs. I lost my mom, my best friend but I gained a Angel. I love you so much mom!"

Thanks so much for all your kind words, I know I have not been pefect, I have messed up and you guys helping me thru this means so much to me and it won't be forgotten.
Jamie
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Avatar universal
Jamie,  You ARE making your Mom VERY proud every minute of every day!!!  What you read to your Mom is ABSOLUTELY perfect!!  I KNOW that she loved it and loves you.

I still have that PM that you wrote to me about your Mom almost dying 8 years ago and how you said that Austin SAVED her life.  It is a wonderful story and has stayed with me to this day.  I KNOW how much you loved and STILL love your Mom. In so many of your PM's to me it seems you mentioned your Mom.  

I'm so VERY glad that you and your Dad have found each other such a comfort to each other.  When my Mom died 16 years ago, the 6 weeks between her death and my Dad's death, my Dad and I became even closer - if that's possible - than we were before. We laughed and cried together EVERY day.  We sat up every night and watched TV together - Jean and I had to move in with him or they wouldn't have let him be at home because his heart was so bad - and talk or JUST sit together in silence and hold hands until it was time to go to bed.  It was OUR time as Father and Daughter.  I LOVE that you and your Dad have found this closeness as it will give you such Peace.

Jamie - NONE of us are perfect!! We are GLAD that we can be here for you!!

God Bless You and Your Dad and Your Family. We are here for you......Mama Sherry
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1187071 tn?1279369698
Thanks Sherry. I know how hard it had to be to lose your parents so close together and I am sorry you had to go thru that but I am so glad you got time with him. I know it had to help both of you.
Me and my dad have never been close. This is the closest we have ever been. But he has always loved me. He calls me his baby girl still to this day.
I was so close to my mom, she meant the world to me. She was my angel. She was very important to me. I thought about her everyday of my life and talked to her just about everyday. When she was having problems she will lean on me and I would do the same when I was having problems. I find myself thinking man I miss my mom I am going to call her and then pick up the phone and then it hits me that I can't.  I will miss her so much, I will miss everything about her. I still can't look at pictures of her right now cause it hurts to bad but I got her in my head.
I really wish I could sleep, I know if I could get some sleep I might feel better but Im not sleeping very well right now. I keep waking up. I would love one night of a good nights sleep but I don't think it will come anytime soon. I am so tired and stressed.
Time will help I just have to keep telling myself that. I know she is watching me and wants me to be happy and stay strong for my kids and not be depressed and cry all the time and not sleep like I am doing now but it will take time to get to that point.
Thanks Alot Sherry
Jamie
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Avatar universal
Yes, it does take time.  It WILL come eventually where you CAN look at the pictures and where you can get to sleep again.  There is just too much going on right now in your head for you to be able to relax.  My head was SPINNING constantly after I lost my parents. I just couldn't relax at all.  

I remember your PM telling me about your relationship with your Dad.  I'm so glad that you and your Dad are becoming closer!  I have to let you know that even after 16 years - there are still times that I go to reach for the phone because I think of something that I want to tell my Mom.  We talked EVERYDAY just like you and your Mom. Jamie - do you REALIZE how blessed we both are to have had that type of relationship with our Mother's.  Think of ALL the people that DON'T have that closeness that we had with them.  It STILL, to this day, warms my Heart whenever I think of the relationship that I had with my Mom and I STILL Thank God DAILY for being blessed with that.  

Jamie - you need to talk with your Doctor about getting something to help you sleep JUST long enough to get you through this time until you can get past this.  

Thinking of you.....Mama Sherry
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Avatar universal
I agree with Sherry about getting something to help you sleep.  Sleep can be a great healer.  When my mom first died, I didn't sleep well either.  And when I did, I would wake up with tears running down my face and it would take me a minute to remember why.  Not everyone is lucky enough to have moms like we did.  I saw my mother EVERY day.  We lived a block away from each other.  We spoke on the phone every morning around 5 am while I had coffee before my kids got up.  She helped raise my kids and my oldest had a special bond with my mom.  My kids still have moments where they cry missing her.  

This is kind of funny.  The cemetery isn't far from my house.  We had a beautiful stone done that my mom would have been thrilled with.  She was a devout Catholic with a special connection to the Blessed Mother and we included an etching of the rosary entwined with praying hands.  On the foot plate we had "Grammy" with three shamrocks on each side representing each of the grandchildren.  (She was from Ireland.)

I went to the cemetery ALL the time.  Probably every day.  Sometimes I wouldn't get out of the car; other times I'd stay hours.  I'd bring the kids once in a while.  Little did I know, the kids went on their own!  One day I went up and was pulling a few weeds and I noticed a beaded bracelet on top of the headstone.  When I got home, I asked the kids, and Maura, who was 8 at the time said she put it there.  I was really confused because I knew she didn't put it there when I brought her.

Both my parents were involved with my kids and not only did they love their grandchildren, they also loved their friends.  Maura had been at her friend Rachel's house and they made these beaded friendship bracelets.  Maura asked Rachel's mother to bring her up to the cemetery because she wanted to "visit my Grammy."  EVERYONE loved my mom and Rachel's mom knew her and loved her for years so she happily brought Maura and Rachel up and they left the bracelet there.

We decorate the grave for holidays (tastefully I hope.)

I love my dad and he was so broken when my mom died.  And he still is.  He's 82 and we live together now since my mom's gone.  I know I'll miss him terribly when his time comes but it won't be anywhere near what I've gone through with my mom. I gave my mom a run for her money when I was a kid ..... nothing too bad but enough.  We were so alike and so involved in each other's lives.  Sherry's right, the hole gets a bit smaller.  The balance changes a bit in your grief. LIfe does go on and there WILL come a day when you'll cry a little less and laugh a little more.  Sixteen years for Sherry and nearly five years for me and we both still have a good old cry once in a while.  When you're that close with your mom, losing her leaves a huge gap.  

Remember her with your kids; talk about her and keep her alive in that way.  I truly believe they are still with us and watching over us.  I'd love one more chance to hug and kiss my mom ... someday I'll do it again.

You'll be in my prayers.  I'm glad you have a supportive husband.  Mine wasn't.  A week after she died and he found me crying he told me, 'Get over it.  She's dead.  She was old."  Well, after ALL those years of loads of abuse, I left him.  And I know it was my mom who gave me the strength to do it.
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1187071 tn?1279369698
I have talked to a few people and they say that they don't even talk to their moms and it breaks my heart. My mom was my world, I don't think I would be here today without my moms help thru my life. Alot of people just go thru out the day and that is it. Since the accident and then my mom I have learned to live your life like it is your last day on earth cause you never know when your life will be over. Im trying to do that now.  I am so blessed for having a great relationship with my mom. I made sure she knew how important she was to me all the time and I told her every day that I love her. I am glad I got to do that.
Well I need to go see if I can get thru another day at work. Work has been really hard.
Thanks Alot
Jamie
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547368 tn?1440541785
You're right Jamie. Some ppl don't have a good relationship with their parents.

Unfortunately some parents have not earned their children's respect. We all love our parents but not all of us respect them. There is a difference and I was blessed, as it sounds like were, that not only did/do I love my dad; I highly respected him.

Like your mom, he is now an angel, looking over me and still guiding me. I see him in all things beautiful. Like the golden sunsets, the twinkling stars and even in a child's infectious laughter. The pain of losing a parent that we were so very close to is indescribable. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

As time progresses you will find ways to cope. Right now the pain of your loss is too fresh. You have the right attitude, one moment at a time. Moments turn into hours and hours into days and days into months. Suddenly it's six months and then six years and you find that some where along the way the pain became tolerable.

Blessings,
~Tuck    
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Avatar universal
I found work hard, too.  I had taken 8 weeks family leave to care for my mom.  And I am so grateful for it.  There were no regrets.  The words that needed to be said were said.  We buried her July 3rd, which was a Monday.  Because of the holiday, I took the rest of the week off.  I work in the courtroom and I thought it would take my mind off things.  I found myself having to ask the judge for a break because I became overwhelmed and my eyes filled up with tears.  I was in my office bawling my eyes out.

I ended up taking the rest of the summer off with this sort of obsolete Superior Court Rule. I could take as much time off as I wanted, get my full pay and benefits, accumulate my sick, personal and vacation time as long as I hired a per diem court reporter to cover my sessions. The per diem rate was about a hundred dollars a day less than I made.  I worked on transcripts at home, spent a lot of time with my kids at the ocean and just tried to heal.  I brought my friend Joanne who had lost her dad 3 weeks prior to my mom dying and we sort of worked through it together.

When I think back at the insensitivity of my ex-husband, my blood boils.  But he actually did me a favor.  It was thinking of my beautiful mother going to her grave knowing I was STILL married to him that made me leave.  And I truly believe she had a hand in me meeting Michael.  Along with his mother.  He lost his mother to lung cancer and cared for her.  It is incredibly eerie all he and I have in common:  losing our moms, chronic pain issues, being married to addicts.  HIs mom was Italian and mine was Irish but both of them had huge devotion to the Blessed Mother.  His mom has some of the same pictures my mom did.  

Tuck is right about the pain being so fresh.  It really is indescribable, isn't it?  I always have had a lot of empathy for people going through things.  I've had very close friends lose a parent that I've been close to and felt they were a "second" parent to me.  But until it's your own, you just don't know the despair.

I've always been a big believer in "feeling your feelings."  If you don't, I think it comes out in other ways that are harmful.  Cry if you need to.  Try to find something that brings you comfort.  Holidays are forever different and can be sooo hard.  (My sister thinks I'm crazy but every year I buy the smallest bottle of my mom's favorite perfume.  I wrap it and put it at the cemetery.  When the holiday is over, I donate it to a thrift store that helps abused women.  I know it's crazy but my mother LOVED the holidays and up until she died, from the time I was a teenager, she and I secretly exchanged one small gift on Christmas Eve.  No one else knew.  It was more silly than anything.  Both of us were "snoopers."  She'd say, "Just tell me.  I promise I'll still be surprised."

Jamie, I will be praying for your healing.  It's funny.  I've been having a really bad time missing my mom in the last couple of weeks.  Serious crying jags out of the blue.  I had actually talked to Sherry about it.  Through reading your posts, I've had some healing and sort of snapped out of it.  I realize how lucky I am to have had her.  Tuck is right.  Not everyone is lucky enough to have parents they respect as well as love.  As bad as the grief and sorrow that you have and some of us have had, it's a lot better than feeling nothing.  My ex lives in the same town as his mom (and me.)  He could go six months without calling her or seeing her.  It boggles my mind.

Keep sharing, Karen, with whoever you find any peace.  Your mom will continue to watch over you and be proud of you.
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Avatar universal
Jamie!!!  Sorry ... I mistyped in my last paragraph and said Karen when I meant Jamie.  I was (shamelessly confession) multitasking and chatting on the phone with my friend Karen about my Christmas Eve party.  And given the narcotics and fibro fog I should know better than to try to multitask!  So sorry!

I hope you're getting some sleep. It's REALLY important ... more than we realize for both our physical and emotional health!!
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1187071 tn?1279369698
Thank you guys for helping me thru this. This week has been really hard. I think the shock is gone and not I know she is gone. Hubby and i have been married 14 years today and it isn't a happy day. i can't get my mind off my mom. Instead of 1 day at a time I am to 1 minute at a time.
Mellie sounds like you and your mom was very close like me and my mom was. it is so hard not to talk to her everyday. I miss our talks. I wish i could visit the cemetery all the time but she is 2 to 3 hours away from me. Im wanting to go there on her birthday December 5th to give her some flowers for her birthday. I have someone working for me so i don't have to go to work and deal with trying not to cry all day. I know it will be super hard just to go thru the day. Everything you said I am taking to heart cause I know you loved your mom as much as I loved mine.
Tuck I really feel sorry for people that don't talk to their parents cause I know when they pass they will feel really bad about it. I know if it was me I would. I Know you was close to your dad and I cried when he passed and I knew it would be very hard but now that i am going thru it I know just how hard it was. Thank you so much.
Sherry you have helped me so much. Thanks. I know how close you was with Jean and your parents and I know how much it hurt. I remember telling you that Jean is always watching over you, I still believe that to this day. I know he is very proud of how you help others.
I am still not sleeping. I wish I could but it don't happen. I am going to try to find a shrink this week to help me thru this. I really don't have the money for that but I feel myself going into a black hole and I know I have to be strong for my family. I need help and this is the first time in my life that I have really needed help. I have one in mind I just have to call her.
We went to a Christmas walk last night and I tried my best to smile and have fun with the kids but they could see right thru me. All that walking has really hurt my leg. I never knew leg pain like this. I know with me being so stressed and upset all the time it has to cause more pain then normal. Blood clot pain isn't fun at all and now I know the pain my mom felt but she felt it much worse cause she had blood clots in her legs and lungs. She was so upset when she found out about my blood clot. She cried with me but she kept telling me they found it fast you will be ok if you do what the drs tell you and you take it easy she said now i am not saying just to hear myself Jamie you have to take it easy.
Some lady came thru my line today she said "If I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all" I cried, my mom use to say that about me. She would always say that to make me laugh. It is the little stuff like that. I always remember how much she helped me all the time, how much she loved me. I had a co worker tell me today that I have to remember the good times and the funny stuff she would do. I am going to try that and I know that will help.
I feel like people think I should "be over it" but there is no way in the world I can do that. It will take alot of time. I keep telling myself, it will get easier but not better, that hole will always be there just for her. She will always have a place in my mind and my heart.
Thank you so much
Jamie
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Avatar universal
I know how you feel today with having to go through another first without your Mom!  I KNOW how difficult last Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, was for you.  That's one of the MOST difficult things about the First year without someone you loved so much.  Your Mom's Birthday WILL be VERY difficult for you and I'm VERY glad that you are taking the day off.  That's a wonderful idea of giving your Mom flowers on her birthday.  You might also consider making it something that you do at Christmas time to as a way to start a Christmas Tradition for honoring her memory with Austin and Dani and Glenn.  We used to do that EVERY Christmas for My Grandmother.  Unfortunately, I can't do that since My Mom and Dad and Chris are all in Tulsa and I'm in AZ BUT I call and have them delivered to the Mausoleum and they put them out for me. :)

Jamie, I want to wish You and Glenn a VERY Happy 14th Anniversary today!!  I know that you don't feel like celebrating BUT maybe tonight you to could just sit and talk about ALL of the WONDERFUL things that have happened to you in the past 14 years.  Like Dani and Austin's birth, the GREAT experiences that you have had together such as buying your house - you get the idea. :)  Maybe this week-end you and Glenn can get some alone time and have a private dinner out together.  It could EVEN be MacDonald's - it doesn't matter  where it's just the fact that you celebrate in some way so you don't regret it later.  Besides, remember what everyone has told you about how important it is to have that alone time.  Well, that includes with your Hubby too!!! :)

You MUST be careful about your leg.  There's not much more dangerous than a blood clot in your leg.  I can't tell you enough about how important it is to do EXACTLY what the Doctor's tell you to do.  I KNOW that you are but be VERY careful about too much exertion that causes you EXTRA pain that is over and above the normal amount that you are experiencing every day.

Jamie, don't worry about the people that think that you should be over this feeling already.  I PROMISE you that they have NEVER lost ANYONE that was close to them AND the are NOT lucky enough to experience that closeness that You and Tuck and Mellie and I have experienced with our Mother's and/or Dad's!!  

If you can talk to someone professionally it will help you SO much.  Remember, I told you that I went and talked to our Family Doctor of 30 years.  I did it with Jean after losing Mother and Daddy.  Again after I lost Jean I went back to him again and he hugged me for a LONG time and told me how sorry he was for ALL of my losses. He said ALL of the things that I needed to hear when I needed to hear them.  I hope that YOU are able to do this also.  Do you have an Aunt or Uncle that you are close to that were your Mom's brother or sister that you could talk with?  

Unfortunately, you will encounter MANY people that are going to say things that will remind you of your Mom and the advice that she used to say to you all the time.  Jamie, you HAVE to remember that it's so new that EVERYTHING you hear is going to hit a raw nerve and it will be like that for MANY months to come.  Right now, it's going to HURT a lot when you hear it BUT after awhile you are going to realize that it makes you SMILE instead of making you cry. :)  

Jamie, we ALL know how you feel about wanting to talk to your Mom and going to pick up the phone to call her but she's NOT there.  I PROMISE you that Tuck, who lost her Dad just last May 13th and Mellie, who lost her Mom 4 1/2 years ago and I, who lost my Mom and Dad 16 years ago, ALL of us STILL go to that Phone OR as in Tuck's case, turn around and expect to see her Dad in his room at her house,  expecting to talk to them and then realize they aren't here with us anymore.  It ISN'T going to change with time - you will ALWAYS have those moments as the years go by.  We ALL STILL sit and Sob at times because we miss them so much.  I've been without mine the longest and it STILL seems as if it were only yesterday that I lost mine. As we've ALL told You, You  will ALWAYS miss her but EVENTUALLY it will hurt less when you remember her.  The time WILL come where the FIRST feeling you have when you think of her will be the feeling of Happiness!  I KNOW that you can't even imagine that right now but Mellie and I  are "Living Proof" that EASIER times are ahead.  Tuck's pain is still raw like yours is BUT will get better as time goes on.  For some reason, I found that after the First year anniversary and I'd lived through ALL of the First's that I talked about it was easier after that.  For a LONG time June and July were the worst for me as I lost my Mother on June 4th and Jean on June 23rd, Daddy on July 22nd and my Son, Chris on July 23rd BUT after 2 or 3 years EVEN those months were getting better and now they are just like any other months to me.  So YOU will get to that place at sometime also.  Just remember EVERYONE is different so DON'T let ANYONE tell you that you should be through this at ANY certain time because no one can predict when it will happen. Just know that it WILL happen at some time.  :)

You know that I'm here for you and you and your Dad and Family are  in My PRAYERS....MAMA SHERRY
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Avatar universal
Jamie, you probably won't get any better advice than Sherry just gave you.  Your pain is still so new and raw that it's impossible to imagine that it will ever get any easier.  It took me forever.  

Sherry is so right about how someday when someone says what your mom used to say that it will bring you smiles and comfort rather than tears.  And don't think you're not working through this in an appropriate time.  Everyone is different.  It took me a very long time.  I went to my family doctor who was wonderful and I took an antidepressant for a while.  I don't think the medication actually helped, really ... grieving is a process and I think I expected to feel okay way too soon.  I also went to a grief counselor a couple of times, but I found for me it was easier to talk to people that loved her too.

My friend Joanne who lost her dad 3 weeks before I lost my mom was a great help.  We spent a lot of time together.  I think my kids helped her heal and as our families knew each other since my mom and her mom were kids in Ireland, we really were more like family than friends.  My mom loved her and her dad was like my kids other grandfather because my father-in-law wasn't involved with them. (It was a lot of loss for my kids.  And  my next-door neighbor and friend, who was like my favorite aunt had passed away in April of that year.)

You might be better off in some ways that the cemetery isn't too close.  Close enough that you could get there, just not every day.  I know at one point I was spending way too much time there.  Though I did find comfort in it.  And in our cemetery you can decorate the grave and you would see a lot of people coming and going.)  Talking to other people there sometimes helped.  My sister and brother refused to go to the cemetery.  I don't know that they've ever been after the funeral.  My dad liked to go.

There's never a right or wrong way to handle your grief.  And it's okay that your kids see your sad; so are they.  And you're teaching them how to deal with their grief, too.  My mother-in-law thought I was wrong to let my kids be around my mother as she was dying, but it was right for me and them.  They saw her every single day of their lives.  My boys were pall bearers and my oldest read this beautiful poem ... I'll have to see if I can find it.

I know that summer was such a blur.  I went to my cousin's wedding in Michigan in August.  He was my mom's favorite and he was driving out to see her with his fiance.  He got to my house at 10 pm on Friday.  My mom had died at 6:30.  Seeing his grief was NEARLY as bad as my own.  And when he broke down talking about her at his wedding, I couldn't bear it.  But now those memories bring comfort.

You'll get there too.  No one can tell you when.  It could be a month, a year ... or more.  I still tear up.  Thanksgiving stinks but we ended up changing what we'd done our whole lives and that sort of helped.  We all had always gone to my mom's and as she grew older, us kids would bring a lot but it was always at her house.  We ended up doing it at my brother's house and he has my family, my sister, his in-laws and any strays that may be around.  His wife lost her dad to pancreatic cancer about a year before we lost my mom.  And he has REALLY GREAT in-laws and we all know each other really well.  There's always a special prayer for my mom and his father-in-law.  There's always a moment where I think everyone has a lump in their throat.  But then it passes.

Christmas for me will never be the same.  Even now I sort of feel like I'm going through the motions.  I think maybe if my kids still believed in Santa it might be a bit better.  I do know that there will come a day when Christmas won't be so bad for me.  

One thing I found nearly impossible to do was be at her house.  At the time I lived a block away.  I would have my dad come to my house to visit or for dinner but if I had to go into her house I found it wrenching.  My dad went to Ireland to have a mass said for her there because there were family and friends there who couldn't come here when she died.  While he was gone, I went through her things.  He didn't want to deal with it.

I still have (and wear) some of her nightgowns.  I sorted through everything and then my sister, brother and I figured out what was important to us.  (The thing I look at most was a bamboo back scratcher ... she got it as a joke one year but she used to scratch the kids' backs with it when they were little.)

My heart breaks for you Jamie.  There will be a time when this terrible searing, raw pain will go away.  The pain never really goes away; it just gets a little gentler.  In time memories will help instead of hurting.  Try to find some little way to honor your mom that feels right for you.  You'll find little things bring you comfort.

I am keeping you close in my thoughts and prayers.
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1187071 tn?1279369698
You girls are the best. I am off work today and going nuts in my own house. but I know this is very weird but I can feel her close to me. When ever I get really upset I can feel her. Austin asked me last night he said mom do you get that feeling in your body when someone gets ready to walk into a room even before you see them? I said yes I always get that feeling and hubby and dani was looking at us like we are crazy but he said how come i get that feeling even when no one is there? I told him I  get it to and it is grandma watching over us, his eyes got big and said really? she can see us even tho she isn't a ghost? I said yes she can see us when ever she wants to and she will be there for you when your having a hard time. He said when i am bad can she see me then? I said oh yea when your bad she is right there beside you yelling at you! he said no way I said yes cause she loves me and she loves you and wants you to be good for me.
Hubby and I had a ok night. I found out about something my dad is doing right now that really upset me, I was in a really weird mood and soooo upset and crying. It breaks my heart and I will let him know about it very soon. But hubby said "well I never thought we would be spending this day with everyone making things worse for you" then I knew I had to drop it for the night and try to enjoy my night. so that is what I did and we had good talks and everything, it was really nice. but I do think we will go out by ourselfs this weekend to eat. I know my mom would always send me money this time of year for us to go out and eat together cause she always knew alone time was good for us. He is the man of my dreams and since my accident and my moms death we have seen how important each other is to us. So good things have happen between us and it has made us closer when we was just trying to get thru our days before all this happen. He will talk to his friends about all of this in front of me and I am so proud that he loves me so much, I am one lucky girl and my mom loved him so much cause she knew he would always take care of me. My mother inlaw promised my mom at the furenal that she would take care of me and she told my dad the same thing. I need to think about the good people I have in my life right now to get thru this. I know one day I will smile when I think of my mom and I can't wait for that day but right now it is tears. Heck even the dogs have been up my butt since all this has happen.
This blood clot does scare the crap out of me so I am making sure I do everything I need to and getting my blood checked every week. I will be dealing with this for months to come and mom was really worried cause she knows how sick blood clots made her. even tho I hate the blood thinners I take them everyday. I want this blood clot gone so my leg will quit hurting so bad. Then my PCP will start tests on my knee to see what I did to it. I hit it during the accident and I have a cyst behind my knee. I know it hurts like crazy.
Sherry we went to my husbands aunt and uncles for thanksgiving. They are great people and i am thankful for them. But we was there til like 11pm talking cause they both have lost their parents. His aunt lost her mom a few years ago so she knows how I feel and she told me anything I need to call so I called her last night to talk to her and she has helped me so much. I am thankful for them.
Thank you guys so much. Your words have helped me so much and I could never say how much it has helped and how thankful I am for you. You guys know how I am feeling right now and even tho you still cry and still miss and always will miss your parents I know it will get easier. Thank you for that.
Jamie
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Avatar universal
That's so beautiful about your MIL saying she'll take care of us ... made me teary.  My MIL is very different.  And she was the total opposite of my mom who was so gentle and loving and kind to everyone.  Though I will say she pulled through when I needed her (though I had to listen to her BS.)   My ex was in a halfway house after detox so when it got close to the end, my MIL would come and stay at my house overnight with my kids and I went and slept in a chair beside my mom.  (My ex was allowed a multi-day pass and was able to come home for the wake and funeral.)  In the mornings I'd go get my kids and bring them back to my moms for the day.

I'm glad they had the time with her though a lot of people thought I should have kept them away.  My mom wasn't in a lot of pain but it got to the point she couldn't talk much.  It seemed she had a bit of a stroke maybe.  But the kids would sit on her bed and talk to her.  She'd smile ... it was bittersweet.

Jamie, I didn't think I would ever be able to smile when I thought of my mom again.  I'd burst into tears anywhere anytime.  (The only good thing was it was summer.  I kept renting beach houses or go to beach hotels with the kids.  I'd just sit with my big sunglasses and let the tears run down my cheeks.

I have always wanted to dream about my mother but I haven't.  Sometimes I'll wake up crying and know I must have thought of her but it's elusive.

But there are two strange things that happened so I know for sure that my mom is around.  My sister has a friend Tricia and my mom loved her.  Tricia was one of 3 girls and the mother left them when they were kids.  She is very close to both my parents.  She said what happened wasn't a dream.  Who knows, but I believe it wasn't.  She woke in the night and my mother was standing beside her.  They chatted a bit, and Tricia said my mother told her she was really happy that I sold my house and moved in with my dad.  Tricia asked my mother if she had seen her father, Leo ... and my mother told her we're not allowed to tell anyone about anything here.  Actually, I was pretty pissed at the time.  I was thinking I want her to come to me!!!

Then my friend Patrice was in the hospital diagnosed with lung cancer.  It was everywhere.  We were all so shocked since she was only 45.  They had admitted her to the local hospital after her having an MRI there for low back pain that was mild but persistent.  They found a lesion on her spine and then her battle began.

She had 3 kids and a husband.  With her being out of work, I knew her husband was still going to have to work.  Anyway, her sister would stay all night in the hospital and I would go sit in the morning after the kids got off to school.  They had done a bronchoscopy and she was very very sedated and also seemed to be in terrible pain.  She'd wake up a bit here and there and tell me I was nice for sitting with her.

It got to be toward the end of the day, and I was waiting to have someone come in to sit with her.  She had been so agitated all day; it was heartbreaking.  I knew she was bad and none of us thought she was going to get out of the hospital.

Anyway, around 4:15 she opened her eyes and said to me, "Hey, I was just your mother.  We were on some kind of boat with other people.  It was so beautiful."  Then she said, "Mary, I thought your mom was bringing me with her but then she said I couldn't go.  I wanted her to come with me and she said no."

Now, Patrice, as much as I loved her, was not always the nicest or most tactful person.  And sadly, she had no faith.  She closed her eyes again and a couple of minutes later she asked me, "did I just tell you I was with your mother?"  When I told her yes, she said, "That is so f*ck*d."  (She swore like a trooper!)

That night Patrice took a turn for the worse.  Her husband called me a little after 9 and said they didn't think she'd make it through the night.  Some she did and she fought 7 months before she died.

I never mentioned what she told me and I was driving her to see friends of ours in early December.  On the way home she asked if I remembered that day in the hospital and I said I did.  And she asked what did I think it meant and I asked her "What do YOU think it means?"  She said I'm not going just yet.  

I have strong faith, but like a lot of people, I struggle with it at times.  But I KNOW my mother came to Patrice to help her.  And it confirmed for me that my mom was happy.

I'm still waiting for a dream or for her to come to me.  I don't know why she hasn't, but I suspect it's because she's trying to teach me patience :)  She always said I wanted everything yesterday ... and she was right.

Jamie, know your mom is in an amazing place.  And I am glad that you and your son feel her presence.  It must be very comforting.  I know that my mom is where she wanted to be but it's my selfishness that wants her here with me.  

Just keep taking a step at a time, a moment at a time. You'll get there... you'll be a little closer every day.
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Avatar universal
So sorry to hear about your mother. I lost both my parents before I was 38yrs old. I was very close to my mother, but I can say for me, "time" did make it easier.

You will be fine. I started focusing more on the present people in my life (marriage & kids & friends) they are still alive. I am not saying I do not miss my mom, but rarely do I cry. I guess it is because we did have a great mother/daughter relationship so there was NOT one thing left undone or unsaid.

For me and this is just me, but my mom always said, "don't go visit my grave site, visit me while I am alive ". I took it to heart growing up. I did just that and for me it made it easier when she passed.
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My Dear - That's NOT "weird" because you are "feeling her close".  That's the "feeling" I was talking about!!! I'm so VERY glad that you have ALREADY felt it!!!  You're correct when you told Austin that it's his Grandmother.  I LOVE that he's felt her presence. I KNOW how important it is to him to have felt her Love surrounding him.  That's SO important to him AND to You!!!



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Sorry - I accidentally hit the post button!!!  :)  

I'm so sorry that your Dad has already disappointed you.  I can only imagine how that has made you feel so soon after losing your Mom.  Sometimes after losing someone people can make some REALLY DUMB decisions as they aren't thinking straight.  Now keep in mind that I'm making this statement WITHOUT knowing what your Dad did or said but I just wanted you to know that it's NOT unusual to make some bad decisions when they are trying to handle their grief.

I'm so GLAD that you and Glenn had a wonderful talk and that you are going to go to dinner this weekend.  

I know how hard it is right now BUT once again I want to tell you that IT WILL GET BETTER!!  Just keep that that in mind!!  

I hope that you will be able to sleep better tonight.  

Just keep in mind what Mellie and Tuck and everyone is saying and just take it slowly and DON'T worry you are VERY normal to feel the way that you are feeling!!!  

Jamie - just KNOW that I'm Thinking of you and Praying for You and Your Dad and ALL of your Family.......Mama Sherry
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1375159 tn?1311688344
Hi Jamie. I haven't been posting much, but I wanted to tell you that I am praying for you.

Hugs,

Flower
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Avatar universal
Jamie, once again, wise words from Sherry. I don't know what your dad did either but grief can make people do very strange things.  I know when my friend Ginny died (she was like an older aunt or sister to me and died 2 months before my mom) her husband Gene just made terrible choices.  She told me he wasn't going to do well and he hasn't.  They were best friends and had a great marriage and he just floundered.  He is blowing all the money she left (which was tons) on things like sports cars, new trailers, you name it.  His son is so upset. He also started dating really soon after Ginny died.  Here it is nearly 5 years later and he still isn't acting right.

I know I was so caught up in my own grief that I almost forgot my dad's.  I forgot for a bit that he lost not only his best friend but the love of his life.  Even now, he tears up and tells me, "I never could understand how I got so lucky that your mother married me."  Now, I was definitely closer to my mom, but I can tell you that she was also very lucky and knew it.  But he had her on a pedestal.  He was very old fashioned and believed in men's work and women's work.  He rarely cooked himself anything and he still wouldn't know how to use the washing machine.  But he never let her wash the floors or windows; he always did it.

I'm just saying to try not to be too hard on your dad. Keep the conversations going, even if it's hard.  Grief CAN make people sort of crazy for a while.  

Keep taking it a minute at a time.  And how's your sleep?  If you haven't been getting good sleep, it my be time to talk to the doctor about getting something to help you sleep for the short-term.  Not having proper sleep causes all kinds of trouble.
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