My daughter is acting like a 3 year old

[bml0082]

Here is a little back story I think may be relevant. She is actually my step daughter she lives with my husband and me. her mother chooses when she wants to pick her up. and when she does pick her up they bribe her into thinking they are the good guys. she doesn't have a room over there and she has a younger sister over there that is uncontrollable. She is 9 years old and acts as if she is 3. She whines and talks in baby voices and is EXTREMELY impatient. She refuses to do things on here own. She is a great student though she behaves and makes great grades. If I ask her to do the simplest task  like take a shower you would have thought it was the end of the world. She is a great kid don't get me wrong but,  I just don't know what to do about the tantrums and the acting out while she is here. (also over at her mothers she can get away with anything yell at them and they just take it and think its cute, but nothing I can do about it over there.) I have tried to sit her down and talk calmly to her but that just leads to her defending herself and interrupting me so much that she cries. I try and be patient. but, it is an ongoing thing everyday. any advise at all?

[jleeflcntrygrl]

My 8 year old goes to bed at 730 on the dot and on sum days-usally weekends still takes an hour nap. She has adhd. Some kids need more sleep.

[RockRose]

This is just a minor point,  but 8 o'clock right now is too early for a 9 year old to go to bed.  It's still light outside.  

[specialmom]

Well, try the approach of telling her that you won't talk to her until she uses her normal, happy voice.  And then AS soon as she does, respond positively.  Also, whenever she DOES use the normal voice or behave well---  compliment her on it and even reward her.  You can say something like "I am so proud of you for asking for that juice in a nice way that this weekend, YOU get to choose the dvd we watch."  That really helps kids see the advantage to getting rid of the evil whine (as I call it . . .  boy, that goes right through you, doesn't it?).  good luck

PS:  the bio mom sounds dangerous if she is making false accusations.  That stinks.  

[bml0082]

the thing is I would love to get together with the bio mom. but, she takes advantage of that last time we got together she said that my husband hit her(which he didn't) and he got taken off to jail. this is just one incident.

and her bedtime is 8. and we never miss it. unless its on the weekends which is 10 and she gets to sleep in a little more.

Thank you.

[MarkLakewood3367]

This is a parenting issue, not so much a kids issue.  Sitting down with the child is one thing, but what really needs to happen is you and the bio mother getting along together for the sake of the kids.  This way, you both can work together on defining behavioral expectations from home to home.  

Situations like this are difficult because of all the tension and anger that exists from parent to parent.  Kids pick up and tend to react negatively to a dysfunctional family situation.  Working together is how to improve this situation even if you need to seek a mental health professional to begin making this happen.