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Avatar universal

Struggling to bond with daughter

I don't feel connected to my 7 year old daughter at all. She has a very abrasive personality which grates on most people, but I feel as her mother I should be able to love her unconditionally, and though I do love her I just feel like I don't LIKE her and can't bond with her. :( It breaks my heart and I want to fix things! She seems completely oblivious to peoples emotions and is very annoying to the point where she has no friends at school. She gets right in peoples faces all the time and just makes loud shrieking noises at them and wont stop when they ask. So many people have said to me I have the patience of a saint, even complete strangers. She never stops talking and wants things her way all the time or else she throws huge strops and tantrums. She wont do anything when I ask her nicely, only when she's been shouted at and I hate being driven to that point it's exhausting. We've tried punishments, reward charts, consequences etc. It's like she just acts on impulse all the time and can't think ahead and never seems to learn. I dread days out because she always manages to ruin them with being rude, whining and acting spoilt even though she's not! I feel like she acts so much younger than all her school peers, and she never gets invited to parties or to play. I can tell that her teachers are strained when they talk to her and it makes me feel sad that I recognise myself in them but I'm her mother and it shouldn't be like that. :(
I know that she can be such a lovely and creative girl and I make sure I praise her when she is nice but those moments are so few and far between! I make sure we do activities together that she enjoys. I struggled through her toddler years (which were MUCH worse) thinking "she'll grow out of it she's only young" but I'm coming to the end of my tether now, will she 'grow out of it' or is there some kind of problem or something I'm doing wrong? She has a baby sister who seems completely different but I'm terrified she might start copying her behaviour as she gets older. I remember even as a baby my eldest was exceptionally dramatic, aggressive and would scream a lot and never ever sit still whereas my youngest is very passive and sensitive.
Background info; Her father and I split when she was very young but she stays with him regularly. We are in a stable happy situation with a man who treats her as his own and have been for years. Her behaviour has not changed since he has come into our life or since the baby was born.
I already feel awful for putting these things here, but I'm desperate now. I'm at the point where I wish she'd just go and live with her father, the daily strain is driving me into the ground and I've suffered on and off with depression and she is the main source of stress in our family life. I know it sounds horrible, and I lose sleep feeling guilty and fretting about everything. I try so hard to do the right thing and I want things to be better between us and for her to have friends!

6 Responses
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Avatar universal
Im thinking that maybe she needs to be tested for adhd. That's really what it sounds like in my opinion. Im GLAD to hear that you are feeling better after getting it all out! Hey we ALL need a good cry or a shoulder to lean on every now and again! CHIN UP girl and Please keep us updated!
Helpful - 0
5914096 tn?1399918987
Many of the characteristics that you describe within your post reminds me of autism.  Have you had your daughter evaluated by her pediatrician ruling out medical and psychological issues that might be contributing to this behavior such as autism?  That is where I would search first for an answer.
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Avatar universal
Thanks for responding, just talking about things has made them seem so much better than I thought they were and a lot of that was just venting!

I don't feel like she's a blow to my ego, I don't have much self esteem but I don't think that way about her. By nature I'm very shy and anxious, so I guess she is kind of the opposite to me so it could be a bit of a clash of personalities at work.

Sorry, it's hard to write down 7 years in a few paragraphs. I do talk with her a lot, I work with her on her social skills and explain to her about personal space and that people will want to be friends with her if she lets them play and talk as well and isn't just pushing herself onto people. I have gotten really close to her face and spoken loudly (not aggressively, just to show her what she does) before and she didn't like it and for a few minutes she seemed to understand but then reverts straight back to old behaviour. This happens over and over hence why I feel like she's not actually learning. The thing is she's really really good and gentle with younger children, so I don't know what's causing her to be so strange with her own age group and older.

I get angry and protective and am the first to defend her when people speak badly of her, I'll shrug it off at the time but it does play on my mind because I'm naturally a worrier. I heard someone say "I'd slap that kid if it was mine" and I was absolutely furious and told her what does she know and to mind her own business. I know I shouldn't care what people think but it gets to me sometimes.

Just writing all this has made me realise just how much I love her, I think a big vent, cry and going back to things with a new perspective and feeling a bit more positive will help. I don't have friends or family nearby so don't get much adult company. Massive weight off my shoulders so I can be a bit more fun for her to be around too.
I know that kids are hard, I've been working hard for years for this and technically I could've given her up at any point but fought to have her so things clearly aren't as desperate as I thought a few hours ago, I would never actually give up on her.

I know my original post came over very extreme, things are not always strained and we have very close times too and there are lots of things I enjoy and like about her too. I feel like it's impossible to talk about the bad things though and I feel very alone so I guess I bottled up every bad thought, magnified it then splurged it all out at a bad time! :(

I have been working closely with her teacher and there has been a slight improvement since she first started school so I think it may just take a little longer for us to get there. Her teacher is anti labelling in general but I feel like there is something there and if we could get any kind of help or guidance then it would be a big help
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Exactly how I feel Rosy.  I feel very bad for this little girl.  Makes me sad too.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
And I don't know how I personally feel about it but have u considered that she may be ADHD with the impulse control problem etc?? She definitely needs you in her corner as it sounds like not many people are. Makes me sad.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Do you think you are taking how other people see her as a blow to your own ego?  Do you perhaps see some of yourself in her as so often happens, the parts of yourself you don't like, so you resist who she is?  Just curious.  Those two scenarios happen.

Some kids are easier than others.  My own son has a developmental delay and sensory integration disorder.  He too has struggled with behavior, friends, etc.  I've worked really closely with him to help him.  He now has friends and understands how to handle himself.  he may revert back to some of his less desirable behaviors, but he does try to work on it.  I'm not sure why you haven't worked with your daughter on her social skills, behaviors that you don't like such as how she talks to people, etc.  This is really a parents job.  We may be born one way but in the toddler years when we identify an issue, we as parents do the HARD work to help guide our children and teach them what they need to know.

I would focus on what you like about her.  Explore that.  And tune out all the rude people that say things about her.  How dare they!!  Makes me mad.  That you actually gave them the power over you is a problem. You care too much what others thing.  And if you agreed with them, then it is your responsibility to help her grow as a person and work on undesirable social skills.  She's only 7----  still plenty of time.  

good luck
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