What do I do when my boyfriend's son gets mad about us being affectionate toward each other?

Question

My boyfriend is 34 and he has a 6 year old son...he is getting divorced..and is almost finished with it in February. I am 20 years old and we have been together for 7 months. His son comes over every other weekend and every Tuesday for visitation. His son is having trouble with accepting that his dad and I kiss. We don't make out or do anything bad in front of him, or while he is here. I really need some help with this, because I do not have a child of my own, and although I treat his son if he were mine...his son can't accept the fact that we will hug or give kisses goodnight. His son really really likes me, even went so far as to tell his mom that he loved me more. I didn't agree with that and told him not to say things like that to his mom, even though she says some pretty hateful stuff about me around her son. PLEASE HELP ME!!! I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE THAT!

samway07 · Answer

Wow, this is an old thread, but I hope you still get notification from this site. The same thing is happening to me. I live with my boyfriend who has a just turned 7 year old and a 9 year old. It took a little while for them to warm up to me living there because the mom causes drama all the time, but three weeks in the younger one is all cuddles and tickles and seems really happy to have two, loving adults in the house (something he hardly ever experienced because things were rocky between his parents very early in his life). He acts out when his mom causes drama, but otherwise seems to be more obedient and happy than ever. However, this week he started kissing me on the lips. We've been playfully kissing cheeks for a while now, and I didn't see any harm in that. But he only kisses me on the lips when no one else is around and I'm not looking or when I'm asleep.  I know he is really happy to have my attention since his mom is always just on her phone when she does rarely come around. I also know he sees me and his dad kiss (just pecks) in front of him. He emulates a lot of what his Dad does to me like rub my back or give me little massage-squeezes on my shoulder (with his teeny tiny hands) to get my attention or cheer me up or when we are hanging out together, so I think the kisses are probably along the same lines. I don't want to push him away or make him feel uncomfortable for kissing me, but I think it should probably stop on the lips. How can his Dad and I approach it without it being weird? I almost think I have to talk to him alone about it (which my boyfriend would be fine with) so he doesn't think I "told" on him.  What do you think?

imanaddict · Answer

My kids have told me they want me to kiss them like I do daddy. This is not a strange request from a young child. If he were 13 or 14, there would be some concern! LOL! They don't actually want a kiss like you would with your partner, they want the love. The boy likes you, that is GREAT! And you like him, that is even better. With all he is going through (seeing his parents divorce) and he still likes you, that is a wonderful sign. I agree with Bionicle about the kissing. If it bothers the little boy, don't do it around him. You two are the adults and have to make sure the little boy isn't "scarred" from the transition. Showing him love and affection and doing things with him will cure that in the future. Good luck!

SmithsGirl89 · Answer

Thanks for the advice on that very difficult subject!  I do realize that I am only 20, but it's working for my boyfriend and I just well.  The issue has changed a bit since last night.  The child now feels like I need to kiss him and love him, as I love his dad.  We all sat down together and discussed how if I loved the child the same as I love his dad, that would be wrong and very disgusting.  He fights for my attention.  My boyfriend and I think he wants the same kind of attention that I give his dad.  Damn, this is hard.  I expected it to be, but WOW!  Why would his son want me to kiss him like I kiss his dad?  Thanks again for the help!  If you can give any more advice or opinions on this, please do!

Bionicle · Answer

Wow,, first of all you are 20 and he's 34 ?? Think about this a while !
Second the boy is 6 yrs old and obviously feels hurt about his Mom and Dad and reacts is the best way he can. So forego the .002 second kiss in his presence !
Other than that, the fact that he likes you and conveys this to his Mom, you should let that be. Let him be who he is and don't try to change him. Keep neutral and no one can ever say you sinfluenced his child, good or bad. Discipline is up to Dad and he should keep a very sharp focus on spending quality time with his son and that may mean with you being absent. Son's value their Dad time even if he asks for you. Later all this comes back as my DAD was there alone and he will feel loved and secure with his Dad

Keep your age in check, he's well underway as you have facts with family responsibilities. You are barely touching your prime time yet !