Aa
13 year old daughter keeps shutting out of everything in her life.
Hello,
I need at the least to vent this out. I do not know what to do or where I went wrong.
I have a 13 year old daughter, her father and I split when she was 1, we have kept the schedule the same the whole time for consistency, I never bad-mouthed him and when she would tell me she wanted to be with me and it was his day I always made her go because it is important to have her dad in her life. I got married when she was 5 to my husband and a few years later her father got married. We both have a son with our spouse. My daughter has always had a very sweet temperament, understanding and kind. I feel like there were many times I would say " not now honey" or "let me just take a quick nap im so exhausted " she would play and be so sweet even bring me a blanket. We would play toys and go for walks. But then she went through a phase of not wanting to leave her dads. Litterally out of the blue. She would cry and hyperventilate. She would freak out thinking someone was going to rob us and kill us. We live in a nice neighborhood.
We got through that with reassurance, statistics,maps etc.
I am not a super hands on parent, I want my kids to be independent and strong but I'm always here if they really need me.
That said at 12 I saw a change in her. I would buy her clothes that she asked for, she wouldn't wear them and come back from her dads in New clothes and tell me she didn't like the other ones anymore. Didn't even wear them it had been like a week.
I spent a ridiculously large amount of money on this special water bottle for her. She claimed it was fake, and a knockoff and it wasn't what she wanted. I bought it from the manufacturer website.... she comes home with a larger one of the same thing from her grandma's (her father's mom, mine is deceased). I can't take her shopping she won't let me only goes with grandma or dad,I can't buy her shoes, she won't let me take her to the salon but her stepmother can.
I take her out hiking, I have even let her camp in the yard because it's something she enjoys. I try to talk to her about what going on in Her life. I listen to her gush about her brother at her dad's and his house, grandma's house, complain that she can't do this or that when she never even asked me. She ignores me when I talk, cuts me off. I let her plan a play date with her step sister and asked to just know what time I should take her. She didn't tell me and was packing up in the morning. Apparently her step sisters mom was picking her up. That was news to me. I took her and her brother (my son) amd her step sister out today amd they ignored me, were mean to him and I listened as she talked about how amazing it would be to go to a hotel with her step sister amd how she asks her dad about getting clothes and she gets mad when he says maybe in a week or two. She doesn't ask me or say yes when I offer.
I had to listen to her put me down time and time again. I try so hard to be with her, I try and she just keeps pushing me away. She spends time with her dad and his wife, she is nice to that brother, what did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong?
I sit and examine hpw her actions make me feel sometimes and ask what we can do to make things better. She Litterally wants nothing from me.
I hate her attitude, her disrespectful behavior and her nastiness. That is not how I raised her. She gets so bucky when I keep those rules and morals in my house. I refuse to buy her love. I just want to be with her. I just don't know what I did.
I need at the least to vent this out. I do not know what to do or where I went wrong.
I have a 13 year old daughter, her father and I split when she was 1, we have kept the schedule the same the whole time for consistency, I never bad-mouthed him and when she would tell me she wanted to be with me and it was his day I always made her go because it is important to have her dad in her life. I got married when she was 5 to my husband and a few years later her father got married. We both have a son with our spouse. My daughter has always had a very sweet temperament, understanding and kind. I feel like there were many times I would say " not now honey" or "let me just take a quick nap im so exhausted " she would play and be so sweet even bring me a blanket. We would play toys and go for walks. But then she went through a phase of not wanting to leave her dads. Litterally out of the blue. She would cry and hyperventilate. She would freak out thinking someone was going to rob us and kill us. We live in a nice neighborhood.
We got through that with reassurance, statistics,maps etc.
I am not a super hands on parent, I want my kids to be independent and strong but I'm always here if they really need me.
That said at 12 I saw a change in her. I would buy her clothes that she asked for, she wouldn't wear them and come back from her dads in New clothes and tell me she didn't like the other ones anymore. Didn't even wear them it had been like a week.
I spent a ridiculously large amount of money on this special water bottle for her. She claimed it was fake, and a knockoff and it wasn't what she wanted. I bought it from the manufacturer website.... she comes home with a larger one of the same thing from her grandma's (her father's mom, mine is deceased). I can't take her shopping she won't let me only goes with grandma or dad,I can't buy her shoes, she won't let me take her to the salon but her stepmother can.
I take her out hiking, I have even let her camp in the yard because it's something she enjoys. I try to talk to her about what going on in Her life. I listen to her gush about her brother at her dad's and his house, grandma's house, complain that she can't do this or that when she never even asked me. She ignores me when I talk, cuts me off. I let her plan a play date with her step sister and asked to just know what time I should take her. She didn't tell me and was packing up in the morning. Apparently her step sisters mom was picking her up. That was news to me. I took her and her brother (my son) amd her step sister out today amd they ignored me, were mean to him and I listened as she talked about how amazing it would be to go to a hotel with her step sister amd how she asks her dad about getting clothes and she gets mad when he says maybe in a week or two. She doesn't ask me or say yes when I offer.
I had to listen to her put me down time and time again. I try so hard to be with her, I try and she just keeps pushing me away. She spends time with her dad and his wife, she is nice to that brother, what did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong?
I sit and examine hpw her actions make me feel sometimes and ask what we can do to make things better. She Litterally wants nothing from me.
I hate her attitude, her disrespectful behavior and her nastiness. That is not how I raised her. She gets so bucky when I keep those rules and morals in my house. I refuse to buy her love. I just want to be with her. I just don't know what I did.
Hi: Just joined this message board, and don’t really have an answer for you handy, but wanted you to know that you got HEARD. This sounds just incredibly tough; I got divorced 7 years ago and things have been OK, but I too know the 24/7 nagging worry about what’s being said at the other house about me. I have always put my faith in the old shrink’s mantra “Believe me, the kids know” and conducted myself, as it sounds you have, as what my attorney called “the wearer of the white hat”. But let’s face it, we almost have to question whether that is enough. I ask my sons, very occasionally since “I don’t want to be a drag”, “is there something you need for me to hear? Are we OK?” And they sometimes divulge something I do that irritates them, and I gotta say it kind of hurts that “Wow, that little thing is what’s driving you to talk to me like I’m just a pain in the ass, when just a year ago you were standing there with your arms open for a hug? THAT is the thing about me and all I’ve been and done for you that’s uppermost in your mind?” Of course I never betray even the tiniest bit of this, but it cuts; we were so great until age 15 hit. Have an appointment with my shrink to discuss how much of this is just “teens being teens” that I have to accept, and how much is work that I, as the person with the fully developed frontal lobe, need to work on. I’m kind of rambling, but your letter resonated with me. You are not alone!
A friend of mine once told me that at a point in every person's life, they are taken over by an alien force - the person you used to know, love and enjoy being with (and vice versa) changes to someone you cannot recognize - and this has nothing to do with how good you were till that transformation. I did not believe him even though he had a daughter that went through those stages. The alien abduction is the only explanation that fits - you start asking what you did, what else you could have done (right or wrong) - knowing that no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes - none of that mattered. Even if, a parent(s) was/were perfect, this transformation is something that does happen and all you can hope is that the person you knew when they were very yougn will emerge and you can then move on. I am in that bewildering stage where I have no idea of what to do, now or next or what I did wrong or right - what I should say (or not) (she refuses to talk anyways and when she did it was texts from a few feet away) - I have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel I am in ... even as I keep hoping it is coming
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