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Parenting Teens (12-17) Community
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Avatar universal

Teen Boys Sleeping Together

When any of our son's friend do come over to stay they sleep in the same bed. My wife thinks is OK for 14 yrs old boys to be sleeping in the same bed and her reasoning is, "well they all do it."

Finally she ok for us to buy an air mattress for future friends visit over our home.

I grew up in Spain and I rarely slept with any of my guy friends pass the age of 8 or 10. But again my European education was quite different than the USA education or mentality. And trust me when it comes for us in most of Europe to see nudity as something very natural at the beach, tv, pools, parks etc,  as not a big deal I am very open minded.

Our son doesn't even talk about girls and my wife tells me that his friends are the same and more into videos and other things and not too worry that he is not gay. I don't get that at all and that if one day he tells us that he is gay then all my support and love for him. But that is something totally different and so far non present.  

But what matters is that at that age a boy's body is functioning just like a man with equal desires and hormones affect all boys at the same age. Personally boys at that age should not be encourage that is ok for them to be sleeping with another boy specially when they still haven't shown any interest in girls yet they are learning that is OK to be with another guy in the same bed even if is all platonic?
Thoughts from other parents?  
7 Responses
134578 tn?1578161083
I don't think sleeping in the same bed is common at sleepovers, most kids do have something like an air mattress or foam pad for friends to sleep on, but please don't worry that sleeping in the same bed will give a kid gay ideas.  (If a kid is gay it might, but if he is straight it won't.)  Gay is inherent, not learned.

And at 14, especially in the U.S. now, I'm not seeing boys do much in terms of dating, interest in girls, evident interest in sex, or anything.  I can't figure out my nephew and his friends, they are all like overgrown little boys, almost asexual.  It's like the little girls get hyper-exposed at a very young age to sexualized fashion and pop-tart singers and wanting a boyfriend, and the little boys all go to sleep until they are in college.
Avatar universal
Annie I hear you and my wife thinks the same but I still dont get it. For sure quite different as when I was his age. And my concern about this has nothing to do with any fear of him been gay at all. We are here for him with arms wide open as to which way  he chooses to go one day.

My concerns were mostly about him not thinking much about this at all like:  "hey I am 14 and turning into a man and maybe sleeping with another boy now is not ok for many reasons."

I do appreciated your kind comments and will feel better once we get a air mattress :)
134578 tn?1578161083
I didn't think you were worried about what if some day if your son tells you he is gay.  What I was saying is that gay is not contagious, and evidently your social circle is aware of that too.

Regarding that you feel like he is being socially inappropriate, and where is his concern that boys don't sleep in the same bed? (in other words, why is *he* not aware that someone might brand him gay, or that he might get an erection and rub against his friend, or whatever) -- I have some thoughts on this.  If you are genuinely worried that something physical might happen, forget it.  Even if it did, at this stage in his life, it sounds like it would be accidental.  If they even noted it, it would be something they would shrug off.  Also, experimentation that is not accidental is rather common (and has been for generations) as kids begin to go through puberty, but it is not done accidentally at night.  Even years ago, it was common for girls to practice kissing with their girlfriends so they will know what to do with their boyfriends when they get one, there was even a joke about it in "A Chorus Line."  And there are legions of jokes about "circle jerks" in Boy Scout camp.  (I've never met a man who says he actually saw one, but they all know what they were supposed to be.)  But again, none of this sounds like where your son is developmentally right now, he sounds more like my nephew, still a boy and rather innocent.  The raciest thing they would do is fart jokes, not sex jokes.

Regarding your statement "I am turning into a man and sleeping with another man is not OK," well, see the above, he is not turning into a man yet, and more power to him for staying a kid as long as he can, life is tough enough.  And who is to say that sleeping with another man is automatically not OK?  A hundred years ago and more, it was quite common (and not for sexual reasons).  This is cultural, not somehow immutable.  If you would love a child who is gay, why is it so not-OK to sleep with a man that every child must learn that there is something wrong with it?

Regarding the socially-appropriate argument (versus the accidental-contact-in-the-night argument), it evaporates in the face of the fact that in your son's circle of friends they sleep in the same bed at sleepovers.  This *is* the social norm where you live, and therefore by definition socially appropriate.  Nobody will raise an eyebrow, tease or whisper, when the kids are doing the social norm.  You might have been raised in a macho culture where you have to pull away from your friends more and more as you get older because you might accidentally touch, or be branded as gay, but that is not the culture where you are (and I don't remember a homophobic culture as being a very helpful one for kids to grow up in anyway).  So try to stay relaxed.  If you find that somehow it is bothering other people and your son is suffering from gossip, that is a different story, but probably not.  This is especially true if he has a big bed.   A lot of parents put their kids into double or queen sized beds at a young age nowadays ... maybe because children's bedrooms are not as tiny as they used to be, and it is easier for mom or dad to read to them at night, or because it was a hand-me-down bed from the parents when they upgraded to a king, or for whatever reason.  It's not like when I was little and all kids were in bunkbeds, cots or a twin.  So it would stand to reason that from an early age, sleepovers meant the kids would both (or all three) pile into the same bed, because it was big enough to hold them.  And if your son, like my nephew, and evidently has not gone through much of a sexual awakening yet, he has not had reason to associate his bed with sexual activity.  If his friends are the same way, it's not surprising they would continue to sleep in the bed the way they used to, it would be expedient and normal.  They will figure out when they feel too adult to do it.

I would resist speaking about your fears to the other parents.  If your wife is sure this is the way it is always done at all your son's friends' houses, let it go and try to stay relaxed.  If your son finds that he's getting teased, he'll stop what he is doing and try something else.  But if you get the air mattress  (get a foam pad, they are more comfortable for the poor guest) or an air bed, that's fine too.  Your son and his friend might not use it, but it will make you feel better.  :)
Avatar universal
While  you  might  not  see it quite the same way  as  here in the statesKeep in mind  Many  14  year old boys are  too busy  trying to  Understand  why  they get  200  random  erections  a day  They have  no interest in  Girls or Boys and  when they do Finally  get any nerve up to  "rub against another kid"  Most  arent going to  even try for  fear of  Getting  ridiculed and Made out to be Gay ... YOU might not  seriously understand  That  College aged  Kids (18-23 24)  are  Just as likely to  experiment  with dorm mates  or  "others" as They are with  females , You   must  understand  these  Days  The  women Will  Acuse you of  Rape and   bloody murder  at the drop of  a pin so Many  YOung guys  forgo  the ********  the henpecking  the  Concerns  over   Birth control and  More  ( IMagine  you  date  a girl for  2 or 3 years  and she gets  knocked up  by some   SPring  break  rape IN  Miami  or  something and  Mummy and  daddy blae you  even though  YOU  never made it  to 3rd...lol  I hate to say it  BUT  you  can begin to understand  why  and how  the "experimantation"  has  become so  excepted .....  to be honest  I bet  those  SLeepovers   are  simple    freindship  and the more you   "fuss  about it "   the more it will become an issue....if he is  17 or 16 i would be concerned  and  even then  eventually he is going to do what  he wants .....  Try to keep in mind  he is your  son  not you treat him with respect and Hope  he  repays  the respect  push too  hard  and  He  might go off the deep end  sooner
Avatar universal
Let them but set some ground rules. Talk to them about consent and stuff.
Avatar universal
Offer them alternatives to sleeping in the same bed - mats, a couple of  air mattresses, a bean-bag chair or two, cots, sleeping bags.

And every time two male teenagers sleep in the same bed, it's not because they're gay - it just may be about a deep, unspoken need for a friend.
Avatar universal
whatever u do dont shame him and just let it slide
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