Teenager doesn't want to come home

[toughlove17]

Hello everyone, this is my first time going into this site and really hope God put it in front of me to get the answer I need.  My 16 yr daughter has been out since yesterday afterschool, she was going to stay over a friends house and when I confronted her that I wanted to talk to her friends mom, everythihng started.  She's been lying and lying, but the point is that she does not want to come home and I have no idea where she's at. She doesn't answer my telephone calls but has texted me that she's ok and she will come home when she's ready.  I feel with no power no matter what I tell he, she doesnt tell where she's at. I went to the Miami Beach police and they told me that I cannot report her missing because she's been in contact with me, therefore she has not been kidnapped, abducted or any of that stuff.  So in other words is all up to the paretns.  please help me I feel my daughter is in control and I cannot do anything until she comes home.  But I am very worry.  thanks for reading

[powerdancer]

I wish I was as ferm as you. I want to, but I raised m'y daughter by myself. She never missed out on anything. She does not sassy me or act bad towards me, but she does not want to be with me anymore. She slept home, once in a month. I don't know how to deal with this. She does not want to come and clean her room, and does not want me to go in it. I feel like telling her if she does not want me to touch her stuff she should come and get it since I live by myself anyways and pay the rent here. Would I be wrong doing g this. It feels as if she moved out already. Im her taxi do. We can't talk about anything. I see her 10minutes in the morning, the only time I see her and she always says, I don't want to talk about that now.

[pavedngold]

Let her go. I left my parent's home at 16. They didn't fuss and fight with me and told me although they refused to pay my rent, I should know there's always a warm meal and a safe place to lay my head should I decide to return. My parents did not have to tell me, "their house, their rules", I already knew it. I was gone three months. I managed to find a little job that paid enough to pay rent and utilities, but it got old fast! I had nothing! It was so cold one night, I slept between the mattresses to keep warm. I tried to do the right thing and went back to school. Once the school administration found out I had no adult to sign my report card, they told me I could no longer attend classes. My point is this, it was hard! I know now how it broke my mother's heart for me to leave. I have two well rounded adult daughters today. One was valedictorian the other was a spitting image of me and my determination to be on my own. I treated her just as my parents did me when I left. "In my house, my rules". It took her less than a month to come home. I knew, just as she knew, the door was always open. My parents loved me just enough to allow me to fly or fail. I kinda did both. I did learn however, it is easier to fly and fail at home with parents who respected my teenage stupidity. Your daughter will do all the things you do not want her to do if you fight her. She may even do some of those things while living at home. The thing is at that age you think you've got a tiger by the tail and you can whip it. Allowing a teen to fail in the midst of your desire to see the teen succeed is hard, but your teen will see that you respect their independence enough to allow them to try. Never throw it in his or her face because things just didn't work. Teens can be incredibly pig headed and will dig their heels in and lock horns with you not because they dislike you, but because it is in their nature. Sit back and watch, be proud of his or her success, regardless how small. Always be there to offer love and NEVER say "I told you so". When your babies reach this age some will not fly for whatever reason. On the other hand,  others just have to do this. It's the hard way to learn and you want to spare them the disappointments and failures, you just can't. You will help build self esteem and a new parent/teen relationship he or she will remember and be grateful for the rest of their lives. So hug her, kiss her, and reluctantly let her go without all the drama. Just be sure she knows she will always have a home to return to as long as she knows, "your house your rules". She must also understand you will NOT be paying her way. When she returns, respect her attempt to do it herself, even if she failed, by giving her a bit more space because she has after all, faced life head on and was mature enough to either make it or mature enough to realize it's better to live by the rules throughout the rest of her life. I think you will both experience a new found respect once you both understand each other's point of view. This is something hard to accept because our teens are still in our eyes, our babies. I think that's the whole point. Your teen is trying to say he or she is no longer a baby and if it means walking out to prove it, be prepared to let them go. The good news is, they almost always come back. Especially if you give them just enough room to see how hard it is to be a grown up! God's angels will watch over them. Just ask. Be strong, fight the urge to interfere,  and do not follow her around. If you have other children or family members with children in the area, you will know what's going on, trust me! God be with you and give you the strength to let her fly or fail. It is all part of learning how tough life can be. Just stay on good terms without seeming to "get all up in her business.

[njmnjm99]

I had a similar situation.  My well behaved 17 year old got a job and full of herself.  Ran away once then if we got in an argument would say shes staying at a friends house.  My worry made  me look weak and she used that.  Finally i changed my attitude and said you be home by 9 or I am calling  the police and they can assign you a curfew and you can answer to them.  She was home by 9.  This happened once more.  I was worried but didnt show desperation.  Told her she had till 9 or i was calling police.  Worked again.  Dont know what future holds but she seems to understand that she will be home at night now.  She just wants to stay out later and uses that technique to try it.  Her curfew is 10:00.  Its the only problem i have had which is wierd.  Watch therapists advice thats where she got the i am upset and staying at a friends house idea.

[njmnjm99]

This is what happened in my situation.  My well behaved 16 year old and I got in an argument and she ran away to a friends house.  I didnt know where she was for about nine hours.  I called 911 and reported her a run away.  Police got her at 2 in morning.  She is a minor and herd in maryland the police act on that.  Long story short therapist told her next time say you are at a friends house and make sure mom knows which one.  She chose to use this as a reason to stay out all night.  I was worried and she knew it.  I went thru the I love you and want ylu to be safe stuff she saw this as weakness.  She tried it two more times then the third time I said be home by 9:00 or I am calling police I am not bluffing and i wasnt.  I dropped that worried mom stuff although i was worried i just changed my attitude.  If she said I wS doing wrong I said no I m not.  This is for your safety.  I did not back down. She tried manipulation.  I just kept repeating myself about police involvement.  IT WAS HARD AND SCARY but she was home by 9.  Tried again a month later and I just kept repeating thru text It is not safe I will call the police and she was ho e by 9.   Hopefully thats the end. Show love not fear be firm and follow thru.  Get on those police in maryland they act.  Look up laws good luck.

[anna1ramos]

Exactly my thoughts about my step son running away to his aunt's house, and my younger daughters watching this.  My husband and I are waiting it out hoping he will learn from this and not do it again, but I agree with you.  It is sooo hard to do.  I am a total basket case.  So worried.  

[anna1ramos]

Same thing happened to me.  I am so worried.  I go through it all day long.  My step son left with his  maternal aunt.  I am wondering whether I should get him to come home now, or whether I should wait it out so he learns some life lessons as my husbands says.  I know he is safe with his aunt regarding school, food, shelter and etc..., but I am not so sure about them having the time to be there with him to watch him most of the time.  Make sure he is doing everything he needs to do to do well in all areas of his life.  I am a basket case worried and not able to work or concentrate.  All day this is all I constantly think of.  His aunt is not helping and is actually making disciplining him more difficult than it already is.  This is the first time he leaves, but this is not the first time she makes thing difficult by meddling way more than she should.  It's like the child who plays both parents to get his way.  She is falling into that constantly and makes it difficult for us.  His poor mother is far away in another country and worried sick about this too.  I should have kicked the aunt out and told her he is not leaving with you period.  Ugh!  Wondering where I went wrong and what I could have done to have him here.