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Teenager doesn't want to come home
Hello everyone, this is my first time going into this site and really hope God put it in front of me to get the answer I need. My 16 yr daughter has been out since yesterday afterschool, she was going to stay over a friends house and when I confronted her that I wanted to talk to her friends mom, everythihng started. She's been lying and lying, but the point is that she does not want to come home and I have no idea where she's at. She doesn't answer my telephone calls but has texted me that she's ok and she will come home when she's ready. I feel with no power no matter what I tell he, she doesnt tell where she's at. I went to the Miami Beach police and they told me that I cannot report her missing because she's been in contact with me, therefore she has not been kidnapped, abducted or any of that stuff. So in other words is all up to the paretns. please help me I feel my daughter is in control and I cannot do anything until she comes home. But I am very worry. thanks for reading
I don't see much that you can do. You could text her and ask that she keep informing you that she's ok...the less you try to demand things or control the situation, the sooner you'll get her back.
Promising (via text message), that she will not be punished when she comes back might help, but I would suggest that you not do that unless you mean it.
Promising (via text message), that she will not be punished when she comes back might help, but I would suggest that you not do that unless you mean it.
I agree with the above post. You can't make her come home. I also left home at 16, although I'm sure the circumstances are different. All you can do is let her know that you love her and want her to be safe, whether you leave a voice-mail or text her. Just in case she ignores you attempts at contacting her, though, I suggest calling her friends and/or their parents to relay the message to her. Even if she won't tell you where she is, ask her to at least let you know that she's safe, that she has a roof over her head and food to eat. If you don't hear from her, call the police back and tell them that you've lost contact. I know it ***** that the cops don't want to/can't do much. Did you two have a fight before she "took off"? Is there any indication as to why she left home? Feel free to PM me is you want to discuss that in private.
God bless!
God bless!
the biggest problem I think everyone is missing here is this.. you as her mother are 100% responsible for EVERYTHING she does, its easy for the police to tell you there is nothing they can do as she is technically not missing, but you can gurantee they will be banging down your door if she breaks the law.. ughh .. anyway there is not much you can do at this point, hope to god I am never in this situation
Hi everyone thank you very much for your feedback. My daughter came home voluntary but she still doesn't understand my point. I have been working all week in getting some help, because I feel I lost control. She told me she could leave again when I am sleeping. I know I need to act now and get her away from this enviroment. Thanks a lot and God Bless you all....
I know what you are feeling my 15 yr old son has done this repeatly to me you worry and can't sleep...this will not be the last time. i found useful to try to be calm ( which is extremely difficult when you are so worried) but I throw back my at my son how he has made me feel such as you have hurt my feelings, you have dissappointed me that you don't think of how I feel when I don't know where you are, how would you feel if you couldn't find me??? Tis is the only thing that works with my son.
What point is it that you feel she isn't understanding? The fact is, that you may well -have- lost control of her. If she considers whatever sh experienced while she was away to be proof that she can survive without you, then she won't see any reason to defer to you any more. At her age it's normal to need to try and prove, both to herself and everyone around her, that she is independent, and doesn't need you. This is part of a differentiation process that begins around puberty, peaks around 15, and continues, albeit with progressively less contention, until she either moves out or starts feeling like an adult member of the household.
I have a 16 yr old daughter that has decided to not come home for the past 3 days. She has been going out with a guy that we thought was good for her who is almost 18. They have been together just over 2 months and claim total and undying love. Problem is she has been cutting classes, not going to school at all claiming a mental breakdown. She has a mental health counsellor that I haven't seen much help from at all. She is fine around lots of other people. Goes to classes when she feels like and basically has blown off her first semester of grade 11. She used to be an honor roll, principals list student until grade 10, that is when things started to go wrong. She has already gone through the drug conselling issues. I am praying to the Lord for help, but wonder should we tell her to come and get her belongings, and kick her out or should we wait for her to possible come home. She texted me saying she wasn't sure when she was coming home, but her phone is dead now. There is a phone where she is staying. HELP. DO I JUST WAIT???
1 Comments
Hello,
How is your daughter 7 years later? I hope things are going well!
I am having almost the same problem with my granddaughter who just turned 17. She decided she was going with her friend even though I said she couldn't since she's refusing to go to school after failing all her classes. It is going on two days now. It is midnight right now. She finally answered my text when I threatened to call the police, and she assured me that she was all right. I bribed her with food and a picture of her chihuahua waiting for her. Howbis your daughter?
How is your daughter 7 years later? I hope things are going well!
I am having almost the same problem with my granddaughter who just turned 17. She decided she was going with her friend even though I said she couldn't since she's refusing to go to school after failing all her classes. It is going on two days now. It is midnight right now. She finally answered my text when I threatened to call the police, and she assured me that she was all right. I bribed her with food and a picture of her chihuahua waiting for her. Howbis your daughter?
I have an out of control stepson aged 16 who goes out every night and sometimes doesn't come back for days and treats the house like a hotel never doing anything at all. When I confronted him recently and insisted he stayed in he beat me up. He doesn't go to school and just lies about all day watching tv or playing games with me. I have now reached the conclusion that it is better to let him work his way through this stage of development and he hope he becomes more mature.
When I ask my 16-year old son why he doesn't want to be home, he says it's because he's a teenager. He at least now has a job, since he drives and is costing us money in car insurance and gas (he'll now be paying some of.) He failed a class for the first semester, and that's bad. He used to be a straight A student until middle school, but at least B's and C's. Now all C's and failed the Spanish first semester. I do think he's doing some kind of drug, even though is says he quit. It has been very hard.
I think back to when I was 16. The only thing that I would listen to is myself. I knew it all and nothing anyone else would tell me was going to make any difference at all. My 16 year old decided she was going to start making the rules, therefore it's time for her to have her own place where she can apply these rules. These rules will not take place in my house, and I wish her nothing but the best. I will always be here for her, but I refuse to be lied to, walked on, and made out to be the bad guy. I hope she has a warm coat because it's cold outside.
I also have a 16 year old daughter, and she has disresrespected me for the last time. On tuesday she got caught in my house having sex with her so called boyfriend, of two months. Knowing my number one rule is no one in the house when Im not there. When I confronted her she had no remorse and said that she did nothing wrong this is her house. I said no honey this was your home, not your house. I did kick her out. made sure she has roof and food on the table. Some of friends do not agree with my deceision. But I believe that just becasue we are the grown ups/adults why should we take the disrespect from them? Yes they are only 16, but if you are old enough to do drugs have sex, then you should be old enough to realize that having sex in your mothers house is a BIG NO-NO...
My 16 year old son left home about 4 months ago. He and his dad had a fight and he just left. Even though he texts me everynight to let me know that he is safe and he loves me and goodnight, I still worry all the time about him and I miss him terribly. His little 7 year old sister cries often because she misses him. He says he has had enough of his dad and refuses to come home.
My daughter is 16 (and a half lol). She has always been the perfect child - honor roll, preformance choir, drama club, guitar club, with no prior disciplinary issues. Any time we have had an issue she and I have always been able to discuss it together and come to an agreeable solution.She was always respectful and more mature than most kids her age.
For 6 months she has been dating this fella who was not raised with the same expectations or rules that we have in our home and I have seen that she is beginning to feel that she should be allowed to behave the same way her boyfriend is allowed to act. I had hoped that she would work through it but it has only continued to get worse.
2 weeks ago she stated she needed a ride to go find a job. I said no, school was her job and carrying a C in AP Algebra was not within our acedemic expectations. there would be no talk of getting a job until either the C was back up to an A or school was out for the summer break. She exploded, saying that she was going to do as she pleased and if I didn't like it she would go live with my parents (she stays with them through the school week since I travel with my job - I do not have a healthy relationship with them).
She was rude and disrespectful to her father and I that entire weekend. When I refused to let her move to my parents she continued to pack her things and threatened to run away If I did not let her go back to her grandparents. Sometimes you have to lose a few battles in order to win the war - so I let her go under the agreement that she would fulfill her disciplinary contract at her grandparents (2 weeks grounding and loss of non-school related priviledges) She then lied to everyone there telling them that I had abused her, as well as kicking her out and disowning her. None of this was true and even though I had kept her grandparents updated throughout the weekend they all believed her lies.
I spent the week trying to work this out, only to find out that her grandparents were not enforcing her grounding and loss of priviledges. They were letting her get online, have phone calls and even letting her boyfriend come visit in the evening - while the entire family lied about it and threatened my son if he did not cover for them.
When I confronted her she flat out told me that she didn't feel the grounding was fair and she refused to abide by those rules and if I pulled her out of that school and brought her home she would run away until the cops had no choice but to put her in juvy. My attorney has informed me that I am well within my rights if I go down there and pull her out of the home but I don't want to risk her schooling so late into the school year. I told her I would let her stay at that school till summer break but she would still have to come home on weekends as usual and she is still refusing to come home. Her grandparents are telling her she doesn't have to.
Her grandparents do not have any custodial rights and are only encouraging her to remain with them so that they will not lose the financial support they get for allowing my children to sleep there Mon - thurs and go to the school in their district. If I take legal action to force her to come home Friday her grandfather has threatened not to allow her to come back Mon for school. Meaning 8 weeks before school lets out for summer I will have to take my honor roll accelerated program student out of a 4 star school and transfer her to the one star school in my local district. his will completely destroy the acedemic plan that we have sacrificed so much of our lives for. Should I just give up and let her go in hopes that she will stay focused on her goals or do I force the issue and bring her home only to ruin her scholastic dreams with such a lackluster local school? Am I losing my mind?
For 6 months she has been dating this fella who was not raised with the same expectations or rules that we have in our home and I have seen that she is beginning to feel that she should be allowed to behave the same way her boyfriend is allowed to act. I had hoped that she would work through it but it has only continued to get worse.
2 weeks ago she stated she needed a ride to go find a job. I said no, school was her job and carrying a C in AP Algebra was not within our acedemic expectations. there would be no talk of getting a job until either the C was back up to an A or school was out for the summer break. She exploded, saying that she was going to do as she pleased and if I didn't like it she would go live with my parents (she stays with them through the school week since I travel with my job - I do not have a healthy relationship with them).
She was rude and disrespectful to her father and I that entire weekend. When I refused to let her move to my parents she continued to pack her things and threatened to run away If I did not let her go back to her grandparents. Sometimes you have to lose a few battles in order to win the war - so I let her go under the agreement that she would fulfill her disciplinary contract at her grandparents (2 weeks grounding and loss of non-school related priviledges) She then lied to everyone there telling them that I had abused her, as well as kicking her out and disowning her. None of this was true and even though I had kept her grandparents updated throughout the weekend they all believed her lies.
I spent the week trying to work this out, only to find out that her grandparents were not enforcing her grounding and loss of priviledges. They were letting her get online, have phone calls and even letting her boyfriend come visit in the evening - while the entire family lied about it and threatened my son if he did not cover for them.
When I confronted her she flat out told me that she didn't feel the grounding was fair and she refused to abide by those rules and if I pulled her out of that school and brought her home she would run away until the cops had no choice but to put her in juvy. My attorney has informed me that I am well within my rights if I go down there and pull her out of the home but I don't want to risk her schooling so late into the school year. I told her I would let her stay at that school till summer break but she would still have to come home on weekends as usual and she is still refusing to come home. Her grandparents are telling her she doesn't have to.
Her grandparents do not have any custodial rights and are only encouraging her to remain with them so that they will not lose the financial support they get for allowing my children to sleep there Mon - thurs and go to the school in their district. If I take legal action to force her to come home Friday her grandfather has threatened not to allow her to come back Mon for school. Meaning 8 weeks before school lets out for summer I will have to take my honor roll accelerated program student out of a 4 star school and transfer her to the one star school in my local district. his will completely destroy the acedemic plan that we have sacrificed so much of our lives for. Should I just give up and let her go in hopes that she will stay focused on her goals or do I force the issue and bring her home only to ruin her scholastic dreams with such a lackluster local school? Am I losing my mind?
I'm glad u said that about trying to prove independance. My son does this not showing up or telling me where he is or answering his phone whenever he doesn't get his way. I can't tak away the phone because how will I contact him when he is ready to answer. i've locked him out tonight. Maybe all weekend. I'm a single parent and I don't know what else to do. I just want to reward him for good behavior. I feel like I get mad at everything, but he keeps doing #hit.
And thanks to Frillman too..I'll be reading that over and over. I've taken plenty of parenting classes, and foster parent classes so that I could get more parenting info. i did not have a good example for a parent. The problem for me is that I am the kind of parent I always wanted for myself, not the kind of parent my son wants. he can't be me, and I can't be him. So we are at an impass.
Dayumet, I don't know if you are losing your mind, but I know how you feel. All I can say is good luck to both of us. I hope our kids benefit from the sacrifices we've made.
And thanks to Frillman too..I'll be reading that over and over. I've taken plenty of parenting classes, and foster parent classes so that I could get more parenting info. i did not have a good example for a parent. The problem for me is that I am the kind of parent I always wanted for myself, not the kind of parent my son wants. he can't be me, and I can't be him. So we are at an impass.
Dayumet, I don't know if you are losing your mind, but I know how you feel. All I can say is good luck to both of us. I hope our kids benefit from the sacrifices we've made.
I feel your pain. It stinks knowing that not only is everyone else "against you" but encouraging an impossible situation with your child.
My soon-to-be 13 yr old is now home schooled, due to 1) non-education in public school, and 2) his racial comments and bad behavior in school. That being said, he is constantly grounded for not coming home on time when he goes out after "school" to play. He is supposed to check in every 2 hrs, in person, and the safety rules are that I want names and address where he is going and adult names if he's going to some friend's house. I get nothing - but lies, or "it's up there" or "over there - you know, up there by the apartment office." He will lie to my face - it's the norm, not the exception. He all of a sudden does not know names, etc. when asked specifics. His theory is, "If mom can't prove it, I can't get in trouble." MY theory is, if HE cannot prove the opposite, he's done for, and grounded. As you know, grounding hurts who? - yes- Me. He doesn't care, and nothing is ever learned or accomplished.
I'm a single mom, ex hus never wanted him except to use him against me for leaving him. Ex is now court ordered away. I have absolutely no control over this kid, it seems. I am VERY STRICT because this kid makes me be that way. I hate being the bad guy but nobody else is gonna do it, so that leaves me. He is in Young Marines program but only while there does he 'get it' - and those kids are good kids, but mine treats it like going to church - his view is you go one day and doesn't matter what you do after that. WRONG.
Sorry to say, but it's NOT all about the kids, all the time. This is my house, and my stuff, and most importantly, my health. I would not have an adult living here who showed so little respect for my property or feelings. I told my son that when he shows me he can have responsibility and follow the rules already laid out for him, then he would get to do more stuff and stay gone longer. He has yet to do any of this, but insists he is entitled to use of everything here that I have. I told him next time I have to come looking for him, it's juvi. I am sick to death of having this constant 24/7 power struggle - and it is about EVERY THING, from school work (at home now) to what color the sky is. I simply quit talking to him.
Anyone else in this boat? My kid will be 13 in June and I am totally at a loss.
My soon-to-be 13 yr old is now home schooled, due to 1) non-education in public school, and 2) his racial comments and bad behavior in school. That being said, he is constantly grounded for not coming home on time when he goes out after "school" to play. He is supposed to check in every 2 hrs, in person, and the safety rules are that I want names and address where he is going and adult names if he's going to some friend's house. I get nothing - but lies, or "it's up there" or "over there - you know, up there by the apartment office." He will lie to my face - it's the norm, not the exception. He all of a sudden does not know names, etc. when asked specifics. His theory is, "If mom can't prove it, I can't get in trouble." MY theory is, if HE cannot prove the opposite, he's done for, and grounded. As you know, grounding hurts who? - yes- Me. He doesn't care, and nothing is ever learned or accomplished.
I'm a single mom, ex hus never wanted him except to use him against me for leaving him. Ex is now court ordered away. I have absolutely no control over this kid, it seems. I am VERY STRICT because this kid makes me be that way. I hate being the bad guy but nobody else is gonna do it, so that leaves me. He is in Young Marines program but only while there does he 'get it' - and those kids are good kids, but mine treats it like going to church - his view is you go one day and doesn't matter what you do after that. WRONG.
Sorry to say, but it's NOT all about the kids, all the time. This is my house, and my stuff, and most importantly, my health. I would not have an adult living here who showed so little respect for my property or feelings. I told my son that when he shows me he can have responsibility and follow the rules already laid out for him, then he would get to do more stuff and stay gone longer. He has yet to do any of this, but insists he is entitled to use of everything here that I have. I told him next time I have to come looking for him, it's juvi. I am sick to death of having this constant 24/7 power struggle - and it is about EVERY THING, from school work (at home now) to what color the sky is. I simply quit talking to him.
Anyone else in this boat? My kid will be 13 in June and I am totally at a loss.
So, what are you to do? If your child does not want to take part in anything in your life, but ask you for money or a drive, and hasn't stayed at home in 2 months...what are you to do? I tell my son I won't give him anything, but of course cave because I don't want to see him without. He just goes from one friends house to anothers. If you try to go aboard him he curses at you. His father NEVER set rules or gave him boundaries and he has lived with him since he was 12. Now at 17 he thinks he can do as he wants and rightfully so, as he hasn't been stopped before. But now it's about drugs and alcohol...and his family doesn't matter. So very sad...as now his father has kicked him out. Really what are the solutions when he won't do anything willingly! Feeling very hopeless and broken.
My son left in December. He pegged us with many darts of abuse. Many services were involved and all "unfounded". The unfounded part takes months which gives the teenager all the authority to: 1. choose where they want to stay once the alleged abuse is being investigated. 2. gives them a new found power and control. After putting my teenager out of his LIBRAL grandparents home, I had him in temporary care. The court case yesterday put him back with my folks. I told the judge I will sign off all rights on him. He has a year left to be 18, and if he thinks my rules and our protection is stupid, then he will be left to his own devices. Hardest thing to do, but I have other children who are watching (and taking notes). This morning I cleaned out his room..drawer by drawer...I found things I was shocked! Words like "I Love Hell" and such! I wouldn't wish this upon anyone and I am so sorry you have to endure this.
I have posted my story down below, but my folks have turned on me as well. Thought my teenager stays with me he spends many hours on the weekends helping them with their property. My folks were at court yesterday and have stated that since my son has lived with them his grades have improved (it's only been 4 months!). One of his best friend's mother has also said (in court papers) she has never seen my son so happy since he has lived with his grandparents. Be prepared, many will turn on you and keep any postings or conversations short as they will be brought before the judge or printed. Best wishes.
It seems that you have allowed her too much freedom. She is still a child, and your daughter. If you can find her, bring her home and speak nicely with her about her new life. Tell her you have allowed her too much freedom and that things are going to change. That you are sorry you have allowed her too much freedom, as it's not good for her. Be gentle, be loving, but firm. Ground her and remove her social media tools until you see a change in her behaviour. Make sure you communicate with her. Don't allow her to go out - she now needs to earn your trust again. It is not negotiable that she chooses whether she wants to return your messages if she is out. This is the message she needs to get. You don't have much more time to help her become responsible, so make sure you do it now. The Lord help you and give you wisdom.
i am only 14 myself and my mother has kicked me out after i was arguing with her boyfriend as i did not feel it was his place to hit me and tell me i had done the wrong thing by being late home? i now live with my dad quite far away from my mum and all my friends i know very few people and im not enjoying the school that i am at however i would like to ask what happens to my tv and xbox and dvd player and all my things like that taht mean alot to me because i have saved from paper round to buy them ? what can i do as my mum says im never having them ???? plz help????
I am a mother of a 17 year old addict. I have set rules boundries and stand behind my word. He is violent and wanted to control my home. (which BTW; he has never seen any of these things from us, his parents) I had him picked up and taken to REHAB on Septemeber 26, 2011. He did 72 days. Came out worst .. Since he new that in my home he can not do as he pleases he did not want to return home after REHAB. He went to live with his Aunt. Of course after 2 months there she did not want him anymore because of his drug use. He went to live with a friend.
He was out of my home for 7 months total. I decided to let him back home because he came crying back and ended up in a hospital and kicked out of school (he too was an honor roll student) He said he was ready for a change. I new he was not ready but my husband and I allowed back inn... giving him the rules. No Drugs - No violence - NA meetings...so on. first day back he had an argument with my husband. Strike 1. A week later had another argument with both of us. (Violent - always threats ** please note he has punched my husband before) I am NOT SCARED OF HIM!!!! This was his Strike 2. On the 29th day I found drugs in my home and I was done. I gave him 2 choices: You can leave my home. Or you can go to a rehab home that I found for him that is Christian based and will help you. He said that I was crazy that he is not an addict that he does not have a problem. He decieded to leave my home. He walked out on a Monday a 12:30AM.. told my husband that he rather live being him with drugs than have to be stuck in house with all these rules. I said ok theres the door. My heart hurts A LOT.
I'm trying to make this story short. There is a lot more that I have not written here that my son has done to all of us in his family. He has burned a lot of bridges because his addiction has taken over his life. I packed his things set them outside my home for him to pick up. In his bag I left him a note: Pretty much saying - I love you with all my heart I will always be here for you when you want to begin to live a sober life. I included the information of the REHAB Home that he can go too. I cant more ... I will never give up. But he CAN NOT control my home, my family or ME. I as once an enabler ... But I have learned through this journey that we as parents can only do so much. That an addict or a troubled child or person has to WANT to help themselves. My son does not understand this. What teenager does? But I had to let him leave... he needs to learn. I will continue to fight for him. And when he really wants the help I will be there for him. But for now... its one day at a time. God has a plan.
For those of you with troubled Teens --- Always remember that you are not alone.
He was out of my home for 7 months total. I decided to let him back home because he came crying back and ended up in a hospital and kicked out of school (he too was an honor roll student) He said he was ready for a change. I new he was not ready but my husband and I allowed back inn... giving him the rules. No Drugs - No violence - NA meetings...so on. first day back he had an argument with my husband. Strike 1. A week later had another argument with both of us. (Violent - always threats ** please note he has punched my husband before) I am NOT SCARED OF HIM!!!! This was his Strike 2. On the 29th day I found drugs in my home and I was done. I gave him 2 choices: You can leave my home. Or you can go to a rehab home that I found for him that is Christian based and will help you. He said that I was crazy that he is not an addict that he does not have a problem. He decieded to leave my home. He walked out on a Monday a 12:30AM.. told my husband that he rather live being him with drugs than have to be stuck in house with all these rules. I said ok theres the door. My heart hurts A LOT.
I'm trying to make this story short. There is a lot more that I have not written here that my son has done to all of us in his family. He has burned a lot of bridges because his addiction has taken over his life. I packed his things set them outside my home for him to pick up. In his bag I left him a note: Pretty much saying - I love you with all my heart I will always be here for you when you want to begin to live a sober life. I included the information of the REHAB Home that he can go too. I cant more ... I will never give up. But he CAN NOT control my home, my family or ME. I as once an enabler ... But I have learned through this journey that we as parents can only do so much. That an addict or a troubled child or person has to WANT to help themselves. My son does not understand this. What teenager does? But I had to let him leave... he needs to learn. I will continue to fight for him. And when he really wants the help I will be there for him. But for now... its one day at a time. God has a plan.
For those of you with troubled Teens --- Always remember that you are not alone.
As a 17 year old girl, doing what she did. Tell her ur done. Tell her that she can come pick up her stuff and treat her like an adult. Dont give her any money, nothing. She is enjoying u freaking out. After she realizes she cant make it in the real world. She will come back.
My son is alot like many of these other kids. He is rude, disrespectful, and thinks he owns the whole house. He enjoys making his sister and me cry. His favorite words when you try to speak th hom is "F off". He has been at a friends for a little while so he can work at a new job, he finally came home tho and first thing he does is sneak his girlfriend in to sleep with him. He is 15 years old. She is not allowed byher parents to see him so I can only imagine if they woke up and found their little girl gone! I told them both this was not happening in my house. My rules are simple! No boyfriends or girlfriends allowed in your bed!! This is not the first time either. When we first moved here he tried the same thing with another girl. I put my foot down and said abolutly not.. so he left. He lied and told everyone I was cruel and kicked him out. Now I find out months later this girl got pregnant by him (at her house) and got an abortion. He will never learn. he seems to thrive on hurting others and hates me with such a passion. I really dont know what to do anymore
my situation is so much like yours. How's everything so far? Should I report my son run away if I know the friend he's staying with? Is it legal to tell your son to get out of house in california while he's 17 only?
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