In the last six months, my 14 year old step daughter has not wanted to come visit her father and I. Each time she talks to anyone she gives a different reason as to why. Her sister (12) is terribly upset because she does want to come visit. It becomes an issue since the children live 8 hours away, and their mother will only let them come if both go. During these times and conversations with the 14yo, she would say things like, she feels like me and my children are just replacements for her (totally not the case), along with other excuses, so my lizard law enforcement-picking up lies mind starts tingling and I do some searching, thinking there is likely a boy involved. Their mom and step dad work odd hours and the girls are often left alone at home for hours in a city.
I got a phone call on my way home from work last night from my husband, he had just got off the phone with his ex-wife, this is the story I got:
Turns out the 14yo had/has (this part isn't clear atm) multiple boyfriends, and over this past Christmas break when she refused to come down to visit, it was so she could meet up with a boy. The 12yo found out and it slipped when their mom was around, the 14yo lost it and started choking the 12yo. The 12yo got away and called the police, the police showed up and said one of two things were going to happen. The children will be taken from mom permanently or 14yo is sent to juvi if 12yo and other continue to feel unsafe. After things calmed down mom made 14yo take pregnancy test, thankfully it was negative (there is a God!). Mom tells my husband that he needs to come get his kids.
So...now it gets even stickier...
He and I have been on the outs since he's been unfaithful more than once, and I was stupid and listened to him each time. Well now the more frustrated I get the more I think I cannot say I want to leave because of the cheating, that is done and passed. We are having difficulties with the behavior of my 9yo from a previous relationship, and she and the 14yo butt heads something fierce. With the situation being as volatile as it is with the 14yo and my 9yo hitting puberty and emotions going nuts, I am going to send her to grandma's for a couple weeks for some quality fun time, so I can get some kind a normalcy figured out. Additionally, I am the only one who works, I work multiple jobs, I am frequently gone for at least 12hours a day and with an hour commute to my full time job the days get that much longer.
I am so lost as to what to do it is not even funny, the minute I started talking about ideas on how to handle all four girls and the situation my husband got upset saying I wasn't listening to him when he said it was "his fault this happened with his baby." Well it wasn't, them living 8hrs away and mom enabling the girls is what did it. So...thoughts? What the heck am I supposed to do? How the heck do I deal with this? The 12yo and I have a fantastic relationship, but the 14yo has looked to me to be blamed for her mom and dad not getting back together (I came around long after they were done). I can handle being blamed, that's painful but I can deal with it, what I am concerned about is how do I approach this situation. Mom's answer is to send them away, and if we don't work she doesn't care. Dad's knee jerk reaction is to get upset, then pretend we can just back up in time. My reaction is, she's old enough to "do" it, she is old enough to learn about the good, the bad, and the ugly...emphasis on the bad and ugly when not an adult in a stable relationship. Getting overly upset only makes things worse, but there needs to be a dialogue to ensure she feels she can talk to someone, preferably mom, dad, or me. But mom is high strung, dad freaks out, and she thinks talking to me is a betrayal to her mom. Ugh WHAT DO I DO?