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severely depressed teen

Need to talk to someone about my depressed son. Besides therapists....need another parent to talk things thru with. Feel very alone.
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973741 tn?1342342773
Oh, I'm sorry.  I'm RIGHT there with you.  My child also has depression and it is so hard. He's 16 and it breaks my heart to see him like this.  It's been since lock down for us and he's not bounced back. He's had maybe one to two days since March where he was his normal self.  They say a mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child.  Some days I do good and others I get so upset about his being upset that my fear for him makes me say and do things I wish I didn't.  You know?  And it's hard to not take it personally, some of the things he says.  Anger flashes with him sometimes and I'm an easy target.  Cause I"m not going anywhere.  Sigh.  Anyway, tell me more.  I'd love to chat.
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Hi... Yes! The pandemic made it so bad.  My son was a somewhat decent student and a good baseball player. He's not participating in his sport and he's failing 10th grade already. He's pale and barely comes out of his room. I have to negotiate with him just to get him to get exercise or to eat something healthy.  The three days a week he's home is horrible because I work and I know he sleeps ...as many times as I bother him to wake up. He's so verbally abusive to me. The things he says to me would knock your socks off. Both of my parents are dead and I imagine what they would think... I'm so lost. Therapy is not working at all and he's on medication but it's.... Clearly not doing what it needs to do. If you want to hop off this and have a private communication let me know.
Thanks for reaching out. Maybe we can support each other.
Yes, I'm going through similar and am happy to be your misery loves company person.  lol  But it IS really hard.  My son has hurt me more times with his words the past six plus months than I can even express but the truth is, I know it is because HE is hurting inside.  It's an outpouring of his pain in a way.  But it doesn't make it any easier.  I know.  I read something once that stuck with me. It said that when your kids say "I hate you", what it really is saying is "I need you".  Kids try to push us away.  being quietly present helps.  That we will always love them helps.  Now, do you think your son is a danger to himself?  I had to ask myself that question. That I even had to ask it or wonder about it really breaks my heart.  But I don't think he is in that situation at this time.  You need to make sure your son isn't either.  Gentle discussion is important. Does he talk to you at all anymore?  Mine does on a limited basis. I am always available.  I had to learn how to listen.  My fear takes over and I get all crazy but I need to resist that because he wants to be heard, not have me 'fix' it.  If that makes sense.  I take any time he opens up to me as a bonus!  And I"m around as much as possible in case that window opens.  

My son hates therapy.  We've had two. He doesn't really get what he needs yet from them. One was because I don't think he was fully honest.  And the other, he was honest but the guy wasn't fully listening.  He'd talk about his obsessive need to be perfect at school and they'd say 'don't care as much'.  Ya, that doesn't work.  lol  

What medication does he take?  I haven't convinced mine to try any yet.  Do you also see a psychiatrist?  

Is he in school full time?  What happened with baseball?  Did he stop trying or did it get harder to perform?  My son is a varsity runner.  He's had such a struggle all summer and this fall for his sports season. To the point the coach has contacted me to tell me something is wrong with my son.  We went to the doctor and had blood work done. We also saw a nutritionist.  But am wondering how much of his lack of sports performance is not the lethargy and anxiety from his depression.  It's hard.  I fully understand. And really scary as a parent.  

I look at every day as baby steps.  Each day, going for it not being terrible.  Ya know?
I also have depression (Persistent Depressive Disorder). I'm 13. I reccomend learning more on types of depression and how to make your son feel better. There's a chance it may not work, cause we HATE talking with their parents about serious topics like depression, growing up, cause we think it's weird and cringy. If it doesn't work, try to make him connect with other teens with his problems, so they could understand each other and take care of themselfes.
pmpddy, ya!  My son will floor me with a comment about his depression and then close up if I try to talk further about it.  I know it is the age and somehow when kids turn a stupid age, their parents become stupid in their eyes . . . I know that is normal.  I will tell you that my son who is 16 had been back and forth with anxiety and depression for a while now has recently said maybe he'd consider medication. Wow, that is big as he has been resistant.  What do you think is the best thing for a parent to do during their child's lows to support them?
Hi specialmom...I am trying this again with a laptop .. thinking maybe the mobile site was the issue.  Anyway, this week was busy for us and fairly quiet for my son.  Unfortunately his school shut down Thursday and is hoping to reopen on Tuesday.  If we have a long shut down I am terrfied we will end up in teh same place we were in the spring.  Even more depressed than usual.

Yes he is on meds but for OCD.  We are slowly switching from Zoloft to Luvox because Zoloft wasn't doing the job.   I am hoping the new med will help more with the OCD and hopefully the depression.  Just getting him to take that is an effort ... part of his OCD is his brain getting stuck on ideas.  He's convinced that the medicine is the reason he is small...btw his size is anoither issue that makes him sad and self conscious. While most of his friends look like young men, he still looks 12.  He is a super late bloomer and I think that is part of what is making him not want to go to baseball..he hasn't gone now in weeks. (side note..it's so expensive that that's also killing me!).  

He has stopped going to baseball because of performance anxiety and social anxiety.  Not playing for so many months, coupled with the fact that he doesn't know most of the people on the team (new) makes him nervous he will be judged/ridiculed.  The kids , from what I can tell, aren't like that.  I spoke to the coach and told him the story....he was so supportive and said he has his back but son still won't go.  I don't' think he wants to quit, I think he wants to do private coaching (he did go to that last week) for a few weeks until he feels confident.  I am embarrased to say that I dont want him to quit for a few reasons..the obvious ones and also for me.  It's selfish but baseball was the only thing that made me proud about him.  He doesn't do well in school (but quite smart), he isn't the kindest and most charitable person (yet!) so that is something that made me happy.   But day by day.

Is running over for the season?  Is your son participating?  Man running is so good for the soul...the endorphins.  The best drug.  I hope he continues....  Does he run on the off season to stay in shape?

Oh, and yes, my son says HORRIBLE things to me and my hub.  My parents would have put my head thru a wall. But then again, I would never have said these things....out loud.  What you said..about him really saying "I need you",  really stuck with me and I have been trying to think about that this last week.  Thank you for that.  And yes, he does talk to me sometimes.  He will tell me something that I did that hurt him...something I may have said a week before that I didn't even think about.   I tell him that I am happy he told me and I apologize.  I am human and sometimes I lose it...and I try to be careful as I know words hurt, but I guess I mess up sometime

Is your son in school full time?   Does he go willingly and happily?

Where (about) do you live?  I am on Long Island.

Have a nice Sunday!

pmpddy -  I just saw your response.  Thank you for your perspective...it's very helpful.  I hope you are getting the help and support you need.  It does get better!
Avatar universal
I answered u twice and the sore keeps Tell me there is a problem and deleting everything I wrote!  Ill try again tomorrow.
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Hi, if you are having any issues, please let us know.  You can use contact us at the bottom of the page to explain the issue or private message me.  (click on my user name and it will take you to my home page and in upper right corner, you can send me a message.) thank you
Hope you  post again, would love to hear from you Sunflower995!
973741 tn?1342342773
Hi sunflower.  We're having a bad weekend.  My son says nothing happened but he is depressed sad and has been mostly laying on his bed in his pajamas staring at the wall.  Says he doesn't think it will EVER get better.  This is just hard.  

I'm glad your son is taking medication even though it is a struggle.  I've not convinced my son go to the next level yet.  He will take melatonin and it worked well.  But when I tell my son that he needs to speak to a psychiatrist, he says "won't help".  Just so hard.  Did your son have side effects on Zoloft?  I'm wondering what that will be like if my son does start meds.  He needs SOMETHING.

I understand what you are saying about baseball.  It was HIS activity.  His thing.  And it felt 'normal' when he did it.  And if he was good at it?  Then it's great for a parent.  My son is actually a pretty fast runner.  He can do a 5 K at just under 17 minutes.  BUT, that's not his potential.  He's never lived up to his potential.  According to his coaches, anyway.  He vomits when he runs.  Likely a lot of that is anxiety driven.  He has the conference championship next weekend.  Last year, this is the race where he rounded to the finish and promptly had a huge vomit all over.  Everyone saw, everyone made comments, someone took a picture.  He was mortified.  His time wasn't great. The next rate he was a bit more like 'screw it' and ran well.  Why?  Cause no one was expecting him to do great after the race before.  something about that performance anxiety thing.  Anyway, he also runs track.  So, he takes 2 to 3 weeks off and then begins 'winter training'.  They run all winter, outside six days a week.  Yep, that much.  And we are talking the same heavy mileage.  So, he does get his exercise.  That's a grueling sport.  

Sorry, I rambled on about him but since you asked . . . ha.  

But it's just such a bad weekend and he doesn't say this is triggered by anything, it just "IS". So, I'm just at a loss for what to do.  
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My son is still very depressed.  We had Fall break day so today was off from school.  He played a board game with two friends, had pizza  (distanced, masked and on an outdoor deck at his friend's house for 1.5 hours only).  He went to his training for cross country.  But has literally been so depressed he isn't talking much.  No reasons still given.  Guess it is organic.  
Hi specialmom...I'm reading your messages and feeling completely in tune with everything you are feeling and saying.  my son couldn't even go to school today. He only goes 2 days a week and couldn't get out of the car due to panic. I would give anything if he would be a good student... The only thing that comes in is playing Xbox and FaceTiming with his best friend.  I know I'm jumping ahead but I'm terrified he's going to fail out of school
My son didn't have bad side effects on Zoloft but he wasn't helped by it much either. We're now switching to another one to see what happens. He didn't start it for depression but for OCD..
Have you considered acupuncture? I've heard such good things about it for anxiety. I've tried it twice with him but unfortunately he's not much of a believer and I think you have to be in the right headspace for it to work. My son doesn't want to do anything to help himself. He would be happy to sleep 24 hours a day.
I'm dreading tomorrow because it's the day we go to the family therapist where I have to beg plead and negotiate with him every single week to attend.  I hate it so much but doing it for husband because he's a believer in therapy.
I was just starting to feel down myself because of how dark it is and how cold it's getting. It's going to be a long winter I have a feeling...waaa.
I really hope your son keeps up with running. I'm sorry to hear he gets sick after every event but I know a lot of people that do after they run competitively... It's more common then we probably think.
I definitely think you're son should try an SSRI medication... Does he trust his pediatrician? He can start there. Most of them do prescribe it.... Or they may recommend a psychiatrist.  I miss the days when we could make them do things due to their age. I feel like even though they are still minors, there's not much we can physically force them to do.
I think it's good that he saw friends and hung out a little bit. It's definitely good therapy in itself.
Do you have other children? I have an 11-year-old who is being affected by this too...
Are you married and if so how is your husband handling all this?
Talk soon....
973741 tn?1342342773
I hope you come back to chat.  Things are tough with my son.  Gosh, so tough.  He is refusing help.  I"m grasping at straws and very concerned.  Any change with your child?  My husband is not much help.  He doesn't quite understand and the delicate touch this takes to deal with is outside of his skill set.  He's loving and supportive in some ways but then just is a bull in a china shop in others.  

I really need to take action with my son but it's so hard when they don't want to.  We've tried the two counselors that did not click.  We need the nest step. :-((
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