Avatar universal


So, not that I want to talk about this or ask about this, but I am looking for comments from other parents about how you would deal with this.

My daughter is 12. A wonderful, bright, and very intelligent girl who obviously gets her wonderful mind from her dad instead of me (not complaining).

Summer of 18 and I noticed her taking tons of selfies and posting them on facebook. I also noticed her taking selfies of her in her bikini, sometimes with sexual poses, but nothing I would consider terrible. Some of the photos were also with her friend who is also 12, and those photos were also a little on the sexual side but nothing terrible. My mom eventually called me and told me that she shouldn't be posting bikini photos on facebook, and I somewhat agreed, but I never told my daughter that she should take the photos down.

Last month I found out that a teenage boy in an area high school had nude photos of seven girls from his school. It sounds like all the girls were trading nudes with him and for some reason the boy ended up trading those photos with other students. He obviously got caught and currently law enforcement is involved. My guess is that law enforcement will be dealing with more than just the one boy.

So, last week my daughter was busy with practicing for a school musical, and in the process I ended up holding her phone for her. Part of me wanted to look at her phone and just "check" but at the same time I was not interested in invading her privacy.

Long story short is that I found some nudes of her. I also found some of her friend and I found some of a few boys. As for my daughter none of the pics were explicit, and none of the pics looked forced in any way. It looks like her friend ended up sending selfies first, and my daughter simply copied the poses in return. Obviously the pics never should have been taken, but at the same time I am sorta grateful that none of the pics were extreme (I hope that makes sense).

I found out a few months ago that porn is now the new addiction for teenagers, and not only that but sexting is becoming normal and routine. I obviously can't control what my daughter does in her private life, but at the same time I can't just sit around and not do anything. Of course if I tell her NO she will no doubt do it simply because I said she couldn't. And the other problem is that if I say anything about this she will no doubt know that I looked at her phone, and this will create a problem in itself.

With that said I feel that if I don't say anything about this my daughter will keep on taking nude selfies of herself, and they will get more explicit with time, and eventually other people will find them.

What do I do???? What are doing about this??? This is the new normal, it is nothing that I can stop, but I sure wish I could somehow do something about it.
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973741 tn?1342342773
I have two sons around this age.  Rough years and a lot of bad choices can be made.  First, I will tell you that I am very clear with my kids that their phone is MY phone.  I pay for it, I have the right to look if I so choose.  I rarely do but make a sweep here and there to see what is going on.  Most parents I know do the same so do not think that is invading privacy.  In today's world which is very different than ours . . .  parents have to be careful. What if she somehow got contacted by a predator and because she is 12 and doesn't know any better she gets lured in.  No joke. This does happen. So, you should not feel bad about checking her phone and monitoring it.  We have to teach our kids about what is okay and not okay. You can also install parent controls and protective software.  I would with your daughter as she is caught up right now in things that are going to haunt her.  She doesn't realize that the guys who get the nudes share them and actually make fun of those girls or seem them as someone to disrespect.  Her reputation is being ruined with every picture she sends.

Personally, I would tighten down the reigns and not feel a bit bad about it.  How are her grades? I put a standard of a 95% or better for my kids to play games or do anything of that nature.  They work hard to be able to do it.  If that is too high, set it at at least 90%. I swear this high standard helps send a solid message about what their priorities need to be.  Then, I'd let her know that her pics are going to be monitored.  I'd lock down her facebook---  and consider getting rid of it.  12 year olds do not need social media like that.  And she may not be mature enough to handle it and the implications of the fact that it is a footprint she can't erase.  Photos can be copied from there as can posts and it is no longer private.  I know even things like employers check out social media looking for these types of things down the road.  So, beware. She doesn't get it but I am sure you do and you need to again, protect her if she isn't mature enough to understand it all.  

Sexting is a huge thing right now though.  It's all over our middle school too.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/teen-angst/201207/the-dangers-teen-sexting.

It's challenging to parent this age and I feel for you.  It's tough and we have to be tougher than we like to sometimes. But it starts to roll into not being harmless anymore and we have to take action or the greater good of our kids.
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20887194 tn?1568680118
Just going to say sexting and porn or not the new addiction to teens, its not as commonplace as you think.
Helpful - 0
Yes, it does seem to be a bit of an epidemic these days.  Thanks for posting.
Avatar universal
Hi, I have an 18, 17, twins that are 13 and a 3 year old so I can say I've been through a little bit of it all.  It sounds like you have a good relationship with you daughter but it also sounds like you're a little passive.  This is a total different world we live in now and kids are more advanced than we ever thought possible.  You need to take more control while she's still young enough to do so.  You can't do nothing about it now and then when it gets worse (and it will) then try to do something.  It's a very normal thing for kids to do and it's scary but it's the reality we live in now.  I would recommend being honest with her and tell her you know about the pictures, if you're not a strict disciplinarian type then do it in a "concerned because I love you way" rather than, "I'm kicking you're ass" way.  I refuse to let me kids have passwords on their phones, it's my home and they shouldn't have anything on their phone they wouldn't want me to see. So if there's passwords or refusal to let me see, then there's something to hide.  Nip it in the bud while you still can. Best of luck
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Avatar universal
I suggest watching this episodes of "Web of Lies" on Identification Discovery channel (on demand) with her, just casually maybe, as a starting point for a conversation: Season 7, Episode #2, “I See You”. I use this as a teaching tool in the adolescent emotional awareness course I teach.
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