teenage sons arousal by birth mom

[clueless_mom]

My children were taken from me when they were 3 and 1 and just born because I am bipolar.  They were raised by their fathers parents and I was not allowed to see them for 10 years,and then only then on Sunday when their father had them, their grandparents didn't know.  When my oldest was 16 he ran away and insisted on being able to see me, and when their grandfather died they all started spending time with me.  All three are boys and the oldest was severely molested in foster homes.

The problem is with my middle child who is now 18. The other two, from what little I know, are normal sexually.  Ever since he started seeing me again at 14, my son has been aroused by me and acted on those feelings by hugging me, snuggling me, and trying to sleep with me. At the beginning be would rub himself against me while watching movies.hen I realized what he was doing, i stopped sitting by him.  This was very difficult because he is the only child who shows me any affection at all.  The others don't like being hugged by me, they act as if they have to do it, because their dad told tells them to.  While my middle child craved my affection and acted very hurt when I pushed him away.  Now he is l8 and his older brother is out of the country, his younger brother is in another state with my sister, his father works long hours and is a heroin addict, and his grandmother has dementia.  He just started college, and wants to live with me. He acknowledges his behavior is not normal, but says he can't help it.  He goes to the bathroom to relieve himself, and then acts embarrassed and entirely disgusted with himself.  But until then, he engaged in behaviors that i am clueless as to what to do.  He tries to hug me and says I don't love him when I won't hug him back.  He is angry with me all the time, because he says I am always cleaning and won't sit down and watch a movie with him. He wants me to hold him, and says he missed out on having a mother. All this is tearing me apart because the other two don't even want to talk to me much less hug me.  The worst is when he is hurt, and comes to me crying, wanting to be held and loved.  But I can't do it without feeling extreme discomfort and confusion about whether I should be doing this and whether he is genuine about his behavior or just trying to "cop a feel".  He won't go to counseling with me, but I will show him this post and the answers I receive.  

What should I do?

( I probably shouldn't say this, but it might be relevent, he is very large, much larger than the other two, so that it is very clear and very embarrassing to him and me, when he becomes aroused.)

[AnnieBrooke]

You just have to calmly tell him that there are limits to physical contact between males and females, some contact is appropriate and some crosses boundaries, and that this is a normal boundary between a mother and son.  Talk to your therapist and get the tone right.  You have to be instructional (since he is obviously clueless and you are his parent and it's your job to see he knows the boundaries exist) and you have to be calm, not embarrassed or falling apart, even a little bored.  Like you are teaching him table manners.  See your therapist and talk about what is happening, you certainly don't want to signal to him that you are wanting his approaches because you are so desperate to have your sons love you.