Concerned about the health of my daughter's friend

[sasha0111]

My 10-year-old daughter has a friend who is in the same class in school and they have become pretty close. One weekend she spent the night at our house and around midnight (I happened to still be awake) had what I would describe as a seizure. She fell out of the bed, was convulsing on the floor, bloodshot eyes, foaming at the mouth, appeared to be unconscious. We immediately called her parents- it took 4-5 phone calls to get them to answer and we were just about to dial 911 when we got a hold of her dad. We told him the situation and he seemed almost annoyed that we woke him up...?!?! He came right away to pick her up but showed absolutely no signs of concern whatsoever. He said that she has night terrors and can fall into a deep sleep and shake but he assured me it wasn't a seizure. I am not convinced of this. He said their pediatrician said that she should grow out of it and they thought she had because she hasn't had an episode of this for 2 years. Not to be  judgemental but just stating the facts.. this girl also appears to not be well groomed... her hair is always dirty and knotty, she smells like she hasn't bathed in a while and she is significantly overweight. I try not to pass judgement and I teach my children not to do the same but all these things just throw up some red flags for me. The next day I called to see how she was and she asked if she could come over and play again... I thought this was rather odd because I would be terribly concerned if this were my daughter. She did come over and I talked to her parents again and they had no questions for me about what happened the night before. I am just very worried that this girl isn't getting the help she needs. I'm not sure if this is abuse.. I don't know if I am jumping to conclusions but I have that feeling in my gut like she needs help and isn't getting it. I wouldn't even know where to begin with addressing my concerns. Teacher, principal, possibly? Obviously the parents are no help..

[specialmom]

Well, good luck.  You obviously have a very kind heart.  

[sasha0111]

Wow thanks so much everyone. Wonderful ideas! This girl has been to our house a few times since I first posted this and just last night she asked if she could spend the night and I reluctantly said yes... I think she may be better cared for here at my house and I felt much more prepared for what could happen this time. I do have to consider my other kids, especially the 2 young ones (2 and 1) and I don't want to get a crappy night's sleep because I am sleeping with one eye open and not have the energy to give to my other kids. But later in the evening, her parents called and said it might not be a good idea for her to spend the night because the girls attended a birthday party earlier in the day and had lots of sugar, excitement, etc so they were worried she might have another "episode." I wasn't sure if this was a good or bad thing.. at least they are showing some concern now?

specialmom- you asked if her parents drink excessively and I really don't know..  We did happen to run into them while my husband were out on a date night at a bar and the mom was totally trashed but apparently they were there for some fundraiser that happens once a year so maybe it was just an occasional thing- I've had those nights, too so I don't want to jump to any conclusions there.. I haven't seen any other signs of an alcohol problem but then again, this girl is always coming to our house and isn't really invited to theirs- which is fine by me!! I don't even know what I would do if they invited my daughter over. I hate touchy situations like this!!

Thanks sooo much for all the advice it is very much appreciated!! I could definitely throw in a few things here and there to help with the grooming.. my daughter loves me to braid her hair after a shower so she has waves when she takes it out in the morning so I may just casually get them to each take a shower so I could do it to both. My daughter has also just recently started wearing deodorant so I'll make a point to ask her if she put it on while her friend is present. Great tips!

[AnnieBrooke]

I agree (heartbreaking though it is).  

I think an important role we have when we become mommies, that perhaps we don't expect to happen, is that of being there for our children's friends.  My best friend's mom when I was in 7th grade recently died, and at her funeral there were so many of us woman talking about what she did for us, the dignity with which she treated us, the trust she displayed in us, and all.  So even if all you can do is include her in your mundane family life such as going to the grocery store, don't think for a minute that your support is inconsequential or unnoticed.  Even if you can't do very much, you can show her by treating her as respectfully as you treat any other human being that she is a worthwhile person.

Good luck.

[RockRose]

I agree with the others,  and it's sort of too bad you were able to reach the dad instead of having to call 911.  They certainly wouldn't have thought what you described was a night terror,  or blow it off.  :(

I think the school counselor is an excellent idea,  but I'd also let the nurse know.  A child with untreated seizures is a serious concern,  and the school needs to know this -

Best wishes.  You're probably the best thing she has going in her life right now.

[specialmom]

Yes, I agree with AnnieBrooke that the school counselor would be an excellent resource.  I would do so in a way of concern about the girl.  If you are noticing grooming issues, most likely her teacher is as well.  

I don't know what exactly is going on with the seeming seizure during the night but I really would try one more time with the mother (not father).  I'd say that this did not look like a simple night terror and that it had components of something more serious going on.  I would say flat out that I'd call the doctor about it.  Now, they probably won't----  but you did what you can do there.

I agree that it is a fine line to ticking the parents off and then having them keep the little girl away from you.  However, negligent parents often are just happy to have someone else taking their kid.  

Again, I think Anniebrooke is on point by saying you could help her with some things that might not be happening at home.  You could buy some good smelling shampoo and deodorant and send her home with it.  I would do it casually and maybe even run the errand to get it while with the girls and you could tell the parents you were out with them and got those for your daughter and just got the same for her since she was with you.  Be casual about it.  At 10, she could request her own shower and go take it and why would parents say no to that?  Throw in a load of laundry if she spends the night and put her clothes she wore over in with it.  Do it all like it is no big deal.  You could show her how you do laundry casually along with your daughter and maybe again, she could throw a load in at home herself.  Sadly, she may have to take care of herself a bit.  

Do you think the parents are involved in anything like excessive use of alcohol or even drugs?  I only ask because some of this matches the profile.

But honestly, besides taking her under your wing, the best thing you can do is give it the college try to tell mom you are concerned due to the night time attack and talk to the guidance counselor confidentially to at least put this issue on the radar of people that might better be able to take affective action.  

If you feel she is in danger though, you could make a confidential report to CPS.  They look into neglect and not just physical abuse.  The tricky part would be making sure they didn't think you did it so as to not allow their daughter to be with you.  

There is a lot of lousy parents out there.  It's sad.  Peace to you and good luck as you obviously have a good heart for wanting to help this girl.

[sasha0111]

Thanks AnnieBrooke- I could see the parents getting upset if I get too involved with her personal stuff.. just judging from the way they talk about other people, kids at the school, etc. I'd hate to have the parents keep her from coming over, especially since I think she is better cared for while she is here! And she wants to come over to our house A LOT!

I will talk to the school counselor and see what they have to say. I would just feel terrible if something happened to this poor girl and I did nothing =(

Thanks so much for your input!

[AnnieBrooke]

It sounds like your instincts are right, but I don't know where you would begin either.  It isn't like they are hitting her, they are just being very indifferent.  Don't know how things are done at all Children's Services departments, but probably indifference does not add up to any kind of cause for action on their part, given the more horrendous things they have to deal with.

Is there any way to take the girl under your wing a little in regard to grooming or encouraging her to feel safe at your house so she can confide in you?  Or do you think her parents would accuse you of butting in to their lives?

I think I'd ask a school counselor what to do in this situation.  They will at least know the legal ramifications and where you should tread lightly.