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Primary Tokophobia (fear of pregnancy)- support groups?

Hello everyone,

I have been with my partner for about 5 years (we are both approaching 30), but recently he has expressed an interest in starting a family in a few years time.

The problem is I have never wanted children and suffer from a serious fear of pregnancy so even if I wanted them, I am not sure I could go through with a pregnancy. My fear is so bad that even being around a pregnant women I begin to suffer "sympathy pains" (back ache, stomach cramps, dizziness/sickness etc) or anxiety attacks.

To be clear I am not about to have a child just to please my partner, but I dont want my fear to rule out us having them if we *both* decide its something we want in the future.

I have read that Cognitive Therapy can help with this condition, but I am not yet ready to approach my GP to request a referral as I get tearful even thinking about it and it would be an awful waste of their time for me to take such help right now- I want to connect to other people who suffer the same condition and hear their experiences etc.

Are there any online support groups specifically for this condition? Since I never planned upon having children, I have never had to try and address this fear before and googling has turned up nothing particularly helpful.

All replies greatly appreciated.
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Avatar universal
How did you do it? I'm married, he knew my feelings, I accidentally got pregnant in April. I'm about to start my third trimester and all the old feelings are coming back. Avoidance, fear, disgust, crippling panic attacks...i have no idea how to survive the next few months.
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Hi, I'm pregnant and I have the same fear. is there anyone who has managed to solve it? I hope it will overwhelm my hormones and cure my fear. my English is not perfect, sorry.
Avatar universal
I had this exact same thing with my first pregnancy!! I did cognitive behavioral therapy and went on medication.  I worked so hard..and it was ok... Even ended up having another baby since. I think there is no reason to let the phobia determine the quality of your life when you want kids.

Hope everything turned out okay!!!!
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Avatar universal
I feel the exact same way. I always imagined having a family of my own.
And its so hard coming to terms with the fact that it'll never happen.
Its true about society condemning women like us. It makes my blood boil.
Mental health stigma all over again.
I have suffered from depression and suicidal tendencies because of my phobia and no amount of research into childbirth has helped. It has actually made it worse :(
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Avatar universal
I have recently discovered I had tokophobia.  Even as a child, I always thought that if I had children, it would be throught adoption/raising a partner's child.  Even in the past two years or so, when seeing a baby or a small child and feeling a strong need/want to have one, pregnancy wasn't in my plans.  

For exemple, one of my collegue just got a baby, and she's the cutest thing ever.  The last time I hold her, I had two thought.  

First, that I could totally see myself raising a child with who I share no DNA and love them like my own.
Second, that maybe I should start looking for a girlfriend so she could get pregnant and like this I wouldn't be a single mother.

None of this sounded like a stretch to me.  I didn't want to be pregnant, but I thought it was just because I didn't care for it.

In the last few days, I've realised it is more than that.  

It all started when I had sex for the first time (3 days ago).  Even though he used a condom and I am on the pill, I've been terrified that I could be pregnant.  I am not always reliable on my pills and it really only needs one spermatozoid.  

Just5 thinking about it and I want to throw up, which is not a good state of mind when you are terrified of pregnancy.  My stomach area is churned and I feel gross constantly.

It doesnt help that I am far from home and not due back for three and a half month, so I don't even know how an abortion would work where I am right now.  It just makes it worst.  

I am not afraid of childbirth (at least not for the moment), nor am I afraid of raising a child, but the idea of being pregnant makes me sick.

When I got a full blown panick attack this afternoon, I knew it was getting out of control.  I've never been so anxious to get my periods.

At this point, I don't think I'll ever have sex with a man ever again.  Too much headach and stress.
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Avatar universal
After years of struggling I've finally come to terms with what I have - a severe primary tokophobia. I'm almost 30, married, and an MD - all of which make it even worse.
People talk so much about infertility and "those poor women who can't have babies". But what about us - women with tokophobia - who also want to have babies but can't because of a mental, and not a physical condition? We're not "the poor women" in the eyes of the society; we are the crazy, overreacting b*** who can't pull themselves together. There such little awareness of our condition. I wish things would change. I cry so often because I can't fulfill my dream of having a baby.
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Avatar universal
Where do I begin…
1. “there seems to be 2 very different types of people here.
1)  people with an extreme fear of getting pregnant
2) people who HATE children.”
Where are the people who hate children in this thread? Seems like you are seeing what you want to see.

2. “just watch the news about all the babies being killed by their mothers and i wonder if these are the types that would do such a thing.”
Yeah, not because of mental diseases, right?

3. “first of all, you would NOT be here had your mother felt the same way. “
So?  

4. “if pregnancy is not your thing then don't get pregnant, but to spew such hatred towards babies and children is really sad”
Refer to Number 1.

5. “it did not mutilate my body.  i have zero stretch marks”
Good for you? I guess those people who have stretch marks and/or needed an episiotomy did something wrong then.

Let me explain myself; I am not trying to be rude.  However, I fail to see why someone would look at a thread for those with tokophobia and jump to the conclusions you have reached.  People like you are the reason why it is hard to express our fears and wishes.
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Avatar universal
So awesome to see how many women struggle with this. Here is my situation: I AM 25 WEEKS PREGNANT. And absolutely terrified.  I have had suicidal thoughts, severe panic, chronic depression.  I am currently seeing a psychiatrist twice a week and a therapist twice a week. I am more afraid of being pregnant than I of birth. When my son moves,  I panic.  When my stomach gets hard and tight, I panic. Thinking about what is to come has consumed my thoughts and my life.  I have lost 8lbs this pregnancy because I have no appetite. I want to get through this.  Does anyone have any success stories?? Also, did anyone make a support group? I am so desperate for help and healing.
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Avatar universal
While I do agree that wishing harm on one's children is a bit harsh, what is one to do when people who should accept "No, I do not wish to have children" and move on with their lives do not? The fact that threats that are dire as these need to be utilized makes me wonder about the people receiving said threats and what their goals are.

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Avatar universal
This is AcesPlace. Thank you.  The threats were used to shut people up.  Some people can't figure out that NO means NO.  When threatened, and I mean REALLY threatened, even if I had no real intentions of acting on it, people learned QUICKLY to mind their own business and shut up!  I became really belligerent about this issue because people had the GALL to question me!  It is nobody else's business--nobody else has the right to even voice and opinion.  Oh, they might voice an opinion, alright, but I made sure they knew in advance there would be severe consequences.  It all boils down to this--BE AGGRESSIVE, CONGRUENT, and CONSISTENT.  N E V E R give anybody an inch.  Shut everybody down for spite.  It shuts them up.  It's your body, your life, your choice.  You owe these people nothing!  I paid the price for my decision.  I would do it again.
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Avatar universal
I'm 19 and I've had tokophobia since I was in primary school too. I'm with the love of my life. He really wants to start a family some time in the future. I think he'll make a great parent, and if it's with him I think raising a child could actually be a lot of fun. He knows about my tokophobia, and is very supportive (he wishes he could get pregnant in my stead, and would also love to adopt). For the time being, tokophobia is not a big problem for me.

For the time being.

His family is... "old-fashioned" (nice way of saying CULTURALLY BACKWARDS) and they want us to get married and have kids already, regardless of whether or not we have the finances to care for a child. We've also put off marriage because we know their demands will become incessant after we marry. They've also hassled us over other things, like our terms of endearment for each other (I can only call him either "honey" or something "manly"), my place as a woman and how I'm not supposed to get a man involved in my duties (we cook and clean together because WE ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY), the fact that I go out with friends sometimes (shameful!), my health problems which they think are just things I made up and I'm not trying hard enough (if I'm not careful, I could actually die horribly—though at least that would shut them up). Frankly I'm surprised such a loving, understanding person could come from such a family. He chalks it up to growing up with the Internet.

My tokophobia: seeing pregnant women, even pregnant animals (with the exception of animals that were already big to begin with, like rhinos and whales) makes me at least a bit nauseous. The more progressed the pregnancy, the worse the disgust. But the worst thing for me is the fact that there's something growind inside of me, big enough to rearrange my guts and kicking me from the inside... And the process of giving birth sounds horribly disgusting too. The labour pains scare me, but a C-section actually sounds worse to me, having to be cut open so wide to take this... thing out of me. I like children when they've grown a bit, I think most babies are ugly, even uglier than modern pugs and Persian cats (they look completely different from ones in old paintings and photographs; then some idiot though they'd look better as if their faces were punched in). Babies just look off, you know? Swollen limbs, misshapen faces and heads, the wriggling, baby smell... iugh. My partner knows all of it and understands. But his family would have my head if they knew.
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Avatar universal
I have decided since I was in primary school that I will never ever have a baby. But now I am married, my friends and family all telling me the same thing, that if I dont have a baby in my whole life, I will regret later and I will not be a complete woman and my husband will leave blah blah blah....I am really really confused now cuz I love my husband so much I dont want him to leave me!
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Avatar universal
Hi lostallhope, just realised I replied to a wrong person, I am actually suffering the same situation as you, I am really looking for anyone who really understands Tokophobia, as this is not as easy as people thought, people think I am selfish but it is really more that tha!!! Just like when people suicide as they suffered from depression, people ofthen say they are selfish, but on one can undestands their feelings.!
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Avatar universal
Hi Ninarocks00, I am in the SAME situation as you, do you have facebook or msn, we can talk about it!!!! Thanks.
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Avatar universal
Does anybody know of any support groups for this that are not online? I think it would help to connect in a real world manner.
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Avatar universal
Tried counseling, drugs, and finally after 4 years, told  my husband the ugly truth. He said I ruined his life when it was clear he wanted biological children.  Gave divorce papers but he wouldn't sign them.

What I learned and hope others can learn - don't lie to yourself nor try to convince yourself.  I've known since I was 8 years old and never grew out of it. The fear actually grew worse.  However, going through the steps of counseling individually, couples, and drugs has allowed me to exhaust all avenues. Without guilt,  I gave it my best try.  My husband and I are still struggling but at least I'm no longer hiding my fear and the "fights" are mediated by a 3rd party to help us arrive at a mutual understanding.  

I think surrogate might be next option and then adoption.  My best advice is to try all therapy avenues until you honestly feel you gave it your best efforts.  Then make decisions if having children is still something wanted.  Being a mother is an option.  The "how" is your choice based on your research, level of commitment and desire to really truly have children.
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Avatar universal
Have you considered surrogacy?  It's expensive and a huge headache, but that could satisfy the husband's desire for "his own biological children."

So much of what you said rings true for me too.  Your partner has to be made to understand that it's not just an issue of "I don't want to do this."  Especially if this kind of feeling has been powerful enough in the past to cause you to cut and/or consider suicide, then it's an issue of safety.  If there's a risk that body-horror will overwhelm you at some point and you'll run for a kitchen knife, then it's not safe for you to carry a pregnancy.  And if you can't do it safely, you shouldn't do it.  Hurting yourself or a baby would be the worst possible outcome.

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8976007 tn?1413330650
there seems to be 2 very different types of people here.
1)  people with an extreme fear of getting pregnant
2) people who HATE children.

personally the second type really makes me sad.  just watch the news about all the babies being killed by their mothers and i wonder if these are the types that would do such a thing.  first of all, you would NOT be here had your mother felt the same way.  if pregnancy is not your thing then don't get pregnant, but to spew such hatred towards babies and children is really sad

when i was young i NEVER wanted children either.  moved in with my future husband  when i was 14 (very abusive childhood and left the second i got a chance) and when i was 15 i became pregnant.  the second i did it was NOT about me anymore.  God put life in me.  the fear never really went away it was just that it wasn't about ME anymore.  

that kicked my fear.  even with subsequent pregnancies i still had that fear and it got worse the closer it was time to give birth, but once again.........it wasn't about me.  

it did not mutilate my body.  i have zero stretch marks

just letting you know that if you have a genuine fear of pregnancy, it is not impossible to have a child.
if you have such hatred towards children............. do the world a favor and never have one
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Avatar universal
I totally understand! I'm 23 similar situation just keep in mins if it ever happened  you could secretly abort you wouldn't have to carry to term so no need to kill yourself
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Avatar universal
I have the same problem as the rest of you. I am extremely terrified at even the thought of pregnancy. Every aspect of it. Gaining weight, morning sickness, stretch marks, vaginal birth. All of these things disgust me and freak me out but really they are the things that I have been telling people that I don't want to happen to me to kind of cover my true feelings. But the real problem is that the idea of having something inside of me taking over my body and changing my body and making all of this crazy stuff happen terrifies me more than anything else I could ever imagine. It happens with other things too. I experimented with a few drugs and alcohol as a teenager and every time I tried them I would freak out and go into this crazy state of fear and anxiety and I just didn't understand, like why do all the other kids think this is fun? This isn't fun at all this is the most scared I have ever felt in my entire life. I would just be asking my friends how long until this stuff wears off?? And now I am too scared to even use the laughing gas at the dentist because I am afraid it will take me to that place in my mind of feeling like something is inside of me taking control over my body. It is my greatest fear. And I just know that is how pregnancy would feel to me. 9 months of counting down the minutes until it is finally out of me and I finally have control over my body again. Sometimes I imagine what would happen if I accidentally got pregnant somehow, and I imagine myself looking at the little pregnancy test stick and just freaking out and then ending up in like a mental hospital screaming and begging for them to get it out of me.
Growing up in my family and the religion I was raised in having children was not really an option, it was an expectation. You grow up, you get married, you have kids. I never really was taught anything different, so of course as a young girl I always thought about things like what I would name them, and how many I would want, and what I thought they would look like. I never had a problem with kids or with pregnancy or the thought of it until I was a teenager because that's when I really started to think about what it would be like to be pregnant.
I think that I know where my intense fear of having no control over my body came from. I had a very rough time with puberty. I know that it sounds stupid because every single human being has to go through it, but just something about it was very traumatic for me. When I was about 7 years old my parents took me into my bedroom and told me I was going to start growing breasts soon and that I needed to start wearing a bra. And that soon I would be going through puberty and getting a period and what not. I just was scared because I didn't want any of those things. My mom bought me some bras and said I had to wear them. I remember trying it on and wearing it around the house for a couple hours and then taking it off because I didn't like how it felt. I felt like people would see the straps under my shirt. Somehow wearing it just gave me this creepy feeling and it made me so uncomfortable and I just had this feeling of violation. Anyways it became a huge fight between me and my parents. They tried to force me to wear it for years and I reacted by dressing in full boys clothing. Every once in a while I would try it on again and then immediately take it off. Anytime anyone would even mention the word "bra" I would cry. I still don't know what exactly the problem was, it just gave me this horrible uncomfortable anxiety, like all the men were looking at me cause I was wearing a bra or something. Anyways when I actually reached puberty and my body started changing I got really depressed and cut myself everyday for years. I thought about suicide often. It took me years to get over this depression.
I am very scared about how to deal with my tokophobia. I have someone whom I love very much and would do anything to make him happy. Anything that is within my realm of capability and I honestly feel that pregnancy may not be within that. We have talked about it and he said he would basically be heart broken if he couldn't have his own biological children. I am perfectly willing to adopt, but he makes it seem like he isn't really that interested in that. I feel like he is treating me like I have a choice, and I really feel like I don't. I just keep telling him that I want to, but I can't. And he still doesn't understand. I just wish he knew how it felt.  I don't even know if it would be safe for me to get pregnant considering my previous experience with my body changing, and puberty doesn't even seem as drastic as a pregnancy would be. What if I got really depressed again and did something to hurt myself or the baby?
I just don't know what to do.
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Avatar universal
My husband, too, at first thought I would "get past" it somehow.   When he saw me (multiple times) break down and freak out at even *imagining* it when we talked, though, he eventually accepted that it was so fundamentally unacceptable to me that there would be no way for me to do it safely.  We ended up opting for surrogacy instead.  Maybe yours will come around?

I can't understand men who give us a hard time about feeling this way.  I guarantee THEY would freak out if some creature started sickening and deforming them, shoving their internal organs out of the way to make living space for itself...and they were told "no no you should love this process!!"
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Avatar universal
I am also relieved I have found this page. I have had a morbid fear of pregnancy and childbirth all my life. I can take it back to seeing a TV programme in the Seventies in which a woman was giving birth - I would have been about 4/5 years old at the time. I remember being absolutely terrified. This was followed by a seeing a large colour photograph of an unborn foetus in an Encyclopedia given to me around the age of 10 This left me so traumatised that my mother had to throw the book in the bin and I did not sleep well for years after. I am now 44 and have never in my life had any desire to be a mother. I am repulsed by anything to do with pregnancy, be it on the TV or in real life. Being next to a pregnant woman makes me anxious and sick and I have to avoid all conversations about it. As you can imagine, most of my family and friends have had children but I have little or no interest in them regardless of their age. I am regarded as a freak of nature, Ive been called heartless and cold. None of these descriptions are accurate but they are applied to me because women and most men simply cannot understand my life choice. Fortunately I have a wonderful partner who has been with me for 24 years and has never once questioned my decision. My true friends never question my decision - they try and understand as best they can. I am very lucky. I would never ever be nasty to a child or wish them harm in any way ...but I just have no interest at all. Dealing with this phobia is a daily struggle and it helps so much to know there are other women out there like me.
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Avatar universal
Wow, I am so happy that this topic is being discussed, I to have a fear of pregnancy and child labor.  I feel that both are very unpleasant, and I don't want to suffer the consequences of either. Many people ask me that if the time comes and I get married that I would change my mind.  I'm sorry but if being pregnant and giving birth is part of his agenda I will have to leave the relationship all together.

I too have issues being around pregnant women, they look uncomfortable, unhealthy and simply sick. I often say that pregnancy is a 9 month long flu. Truth is I would love to be part of the group but I am not interested in changing my mind. I’ll be 30 next week and have been this way is middle school.  I could go on for days on this topic but it would simply discuss me.
On a lighter note I took it upon myself at the age of 25 to get my tubes tied. I spoke with my doctor who approved the procedure who then sent me to psychologist to make sure that I was making the right decision.  This is the law here in the United States for individuals under 30 something with less than 2 children and not married.  The only hard part about the procedure is that you have to find a doctor who is willing to do it.  I must admit, I got lucky.  The only bad part about the procedure is that before I went under anesthesia the hospital staff kept asking me if I was sure.  The nurse who was trying to put my IV in actually told me that I was making a mistake.  When I told he I wasn't this  B***H actually was infuriated with me.  Other that the procedure went well, I woke up groggy while being the happiest person on earth at the same time.

I personally do not feel that fear of pregnancy is abnormal.  We are just being truthful to ourselves, the s**t is horrible.   Most women hate going through this and only a hand full will admit it.  I don’t want to be in a room full of strangers (doctors and nurses) with my legs spread wide open in serious pain while something pops out of my privet area.  Second nausea for a few months, some women the whole pregnancy seems like torture.   Third, cuts, stitches, torn skin, the possibility of hemorrhoids, depression, and c-section along with issues using the rest room aren't pleasant in the slightest.  
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Avatar universal
Sorry for all the typos.
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Avatar universal
I am so glad I found this group. I have been absolutely terrified and utterly disgusted by all things pregnancy for as long as I can remember. Any time I ever shared these feelings, people tell me it will change when I'm “ready." Well, I am 28 and married, and the older I get the worse it gets. People seem to think I'm weird or crazy because of how I feel, but I haven't shared everything, or they would think I'm insane for sure. I cannot stand the thought of ever being pregnant even though I do really like kids. The idea of getting fat and gross, having something live inside you that you can't control freaks me out completely. Why does everyone think it's so wonderful to feel babies kick? I think it creepy and disgusting! Something is beating you from the inside! The idea of regular gyn appointments are stressful enough to me, I can't imagine going all the time, being prodded and poked, and seeing different doctors, not knowing who you'll wind up with when you deliver. I have nightmares of giving birth and of delivering others babies. A couple nights ago I one a dream so vivid about delivering a friend's child that I gagged in my sleep and woke up. Swollen ankles scares me. The thought of having a bunch of strangers holding my legs in the air as my lady parts as exposed and torn to pieces makes me want to run away and never look back. I recently heard from an nurse friend that women pooping themselves is apparently “normal" in the obgyn world. That is NOT normal, people. That horrible and demeaning. Why do you have to be so careful of what you eat (sushi for instance), but you can birth the baby in blood and ****? So many women, my friends and family even, act like I am crazy and it's a horrible thing that I hate breast feeding. I think it's disgusting, sounds painful, and weird. I don't even enjoy my husband messing with my nipples, why would I want my child to suck on them? That seems a bit incestual to me. I know that it is not actually incest, but it creeps me out completely. My husband thinks I'm just exaggerating, but he knew when he married me how I felt, to a certain extent, but he thought he could change my mind. I know this isn't normal and I wish I wasn't this way. I'm pretty sure I'll end up alone if I can't overcome it, but the only counseling I've seen for tokophobia has been in Thr UK, not the US. :(
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