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Avatar universal

husband's blues after wife's breast reduction

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can with this, she's had the surgery, I told her before that she's doing this only for herself, not because I had any complaints about her breasts.  I like the new ones ok, but liked the old ones better.  I was suprised at the feelings I have of betrayal, neglect, almost grieving the loss of my favorite part of her body, feelings of depression.  The comments I read from women completely discount the feelings of the men.  I'm now having problems "finishing" the act of sex.  After she is satisfied I just loose interest, I want to finish in my mind but the feeling just isn't there.  I look over at her in normal situations and the fact that she is so much smaller bothers me.  It's been 5 weeks now, we'll keep trying, hoping these feelings go away.  When I ask if there is a support group for husbands of wives with breast reduction, I get told oh it's all about you then? No It's not all about me, but I do have feelings, and they are hurt, and there isn't anybody willing to talk to about them.
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Avatar universal
The love of my life did this.... I think it ruined our entire future together and it breaks my heart into a million pieces because I loved her for so many other reasons, but without sexual attraction Our relationship doesn’t work.

She could’ve gained 500 pounds, cut off her arm, and got a tattoo on her face... all of those things would have been easier for me to deal with than this.

Women on here are scolding men for being shallow just because they have a differset of priorities of what they want in a mate, and women aren’t as visual.  You all don’t understand.

I strongly discourage women from doing this.... they don’t realize what they are doing.

men would rather have imperfect large breast than reshaped small ones.

Deviststed in Denver

Helpful - 1
2 Comments
Good to know, Devastated (I assume that’s the spelling you were aiming for) of Denver.  So in other words, any poor misguided women, who ‘don’t know what they’re doing’ (ahem, with their own bodies) and ‘aren’t as visual’ (seriously??  As someone who has their lived well for many years from their visual acuity I would have to argue that point, but another time). So, if I understand you correctly, you think women should just suffer the lifelong pain caused by over-large breasts  without any concern for their own physical  and mental well-being,  to please their man – and I note you kindly speak for all men here – who would rather have large and imperfect than small and reshaped... Really? In the 21st-century? This is your honest and carefully considered opinion? Id suggest you get some education and some counselling, to help you get past your sadly inappropriate stand.
I don’t think I am morally correct. I know it’s wrong, and I hate it. This has caused me nothing but tremendous pain. So you telling me to educate myself is well-meaning, but you can’t re-wire the way my brain works. If I could just push a button and not feel this way I would. I would give every cent I had for that button to exist. But it doesn’t
Avatar universal
I am not going to repeat a lot of what has been said already. To the women who say that men need to get over it, you are just as superficial as you accuse the men of being. This issue is complex and complicated and includes issues of how a man's brain is wired and also non physical things like making decisions together in a relationship.

For me, the one thing I will add is this:

I am one of the husbands who has been devistated by my wife’s selfish decision to get the reduction.

After much arguing with her over this (most arguments sounding a lot like this forum) I’ve boiled it down to this.

- 10% of my feelings are purely selfish. I want what I want and don't want to have to like what happened.

- 40% of my feelings are hard wired. Even when I try my best to be supportive, I can’t. You can't turn attraction on and off and as someone who has always loved large breasts this kills the intimacy at a level I can not control.

- 50% is something which hasn’t been directly addressed which I will discuss.

In short, when my wife and I started dating we both shared with each other how important we felt sex to be in our lives. I was led to believe that my wife would prioritize our sex life.

Over the years there have been numerous instances where my wife approached one of the aspects of our sex life in a way that suggested that although sex was important, it wasn’t THAT important. Despite it being important to me, it wasn’t important to her.

In most instances I learned to love and tolerate even where those issues arose which resulted in aspects of our sex life that I didn’t like.

The reduction was just simply one more example of this message. And so I cannot help thinking that if the sex life was thriving and my wife did this, I might be more willing or able to look past things. But since this is yet another instance of her telling me that what matters to me isn’t important, it goes beyond the physical realm.
Helpful - 1
4 Comments
“I am one of the husbands who has been devistated by my wife’s selfish decision to get the reduction.“ SELFISH?? Wait, you cannot be serious. Oh but you are. Honestly I barely have the words. So you think it’s your wife who’s selfish?? You think your wife should have carried on coping with the extreme pain of huge heavy breasts just because you claim to be “hardwired”? Please forgive me for being what you describe as ‘superficial’, but maybe your wife doesn’t prioritise your sex life to the extent that you’d like because she’s realised over the years she’s ended up married to a man so short-sighted that he can’t see beyond the size of her breasts. (And you call HER selfish???).
However, I do hear you. You’re in terrible pain. You’re mourning a loss. So go get some psychotherapy to help you get past it. Maybe you’ll eventually be able to grow up enough to be a decent husband to the woman you claim to love.  (Oh no, wrong again; at no point do you say you love her, you only got to ‘love and tolerate’ aspects of your sex life you don’t like). Seriously, psychotherapy or counselling; I can’t deny that you feel what you feel, but you really need to get a deeper understanding of who is being the selfish one here.
How did this for a lot of men speaking here? My wife recently had breast reduction surgery about 4 weeks ago. It’s been something she has wanted and needed for a long time. She was roughly a 36 D when I met her 18 years ago. We have been married 14 years. She has grown to a H cup over the years after our 3 children. I agreed with her for the most part that something needed to be done. They hung and the back pain were a real thing. Plus the cost of bras was ridiculous. Being said she got the insurance to cover the surgery after 2 years of complaints. That brings us to now. She had the surgery. I asked alot of questions like would you be somewhat big or proportioned and was told everything would look proportioned. I am having trouble seeing things the way they are now. I am confused with the outcome. I love her with all my being but I’m have trouble seeing the new her. IMO she will likely be a heavy c or d at best. I never thought much about these feelings that I am having. Didn’t even know they existed. It’s almost like I’m mourning the loss a part of her or grieving . I know she is happier physically and emotionally. She is upset that I am going through this and we are trying to be mindful of each other’s feelings. Our marriage is strong and we have had our share of ups and downs. Also for some craziness our sex life has increased dramatically even though I haven’t been in the area of her breast much. I am just starting to venture to that area to see what it feels like for both of us. I’m thinking about seeking counseling and hope Time will heal these feelings. My question is how some other men here deal with this and what was the outcome for them?
I have been on this page many times but never responded. It is the only discussion I have ever found about this online for husbands in our situations.  My wife had her surgery 3 years ago and being completely honest with you I still have a hard time about this sometimes. I have experienced some very dark times because of this and like you said, have had to grieve the loss of my favorite part of her body and my favorite part of womens bodies in general. I am a lifelong boob guy and that isn’t going to change. I have been to counseling and spent a lot of time trying to come to terms with this. My wife was a perfect D when we met, perfect in every way. But after 2 kids and 12 years of marriage they had become huge and caused my wife a lot of pain.  I understood her decision but begged her to not go too small, but she decided she wanted to go to a B cup. It was a huge change and even to this day I wish she had not gone so small and find myself looking at other womens breasts on TV or on the street and feel sad. I would have been ok if she had done what your wife did and went back to a C or D but I didnt really have any say in this, which also hurt. I was told her surgeon recommended a C for her body shape but my wife had made her mind up she wanted to be small. Like many have said on here, it is incredibly hard to come to terms with especially if you love the look and feel of large breasted women. I know I will  have these feelings for the rest of my life which is also hard to deal with and makes me sad because of the loss.  But I will tell you there is hope. You have to think about what your life would be without the women you love and then weigh up what is more important to you - life without her or life without her large breasts. Because for me, the thought of losing my wife was stronger than any feelings of the loss of her breasts. So give yourself time but be prepared for a rollercoaster of feelings because if it’s anything like my experience then it’s not going to be an easy ride.
MAY I ASK WHAT THE FINAL RESULT WAS? MY GIRLFRIEND OF 5 YEARS JUST HAD A REDUCTION. SHE WAS A 38 DDD / G. SHE'S 15 WEEKS POST OP. SHE NEVER FELT COMFORTABLE BEING NAKED WHILE BRING INTIMATE, SHE MIGHT BE A LARGE C / SMALL D. NOT SURE IF I CAN GET MYSELF TO WANTING TO SEE HER NAKED AGAIN?
Avatar universal
I am 10 years removed from my wife's decision for reduction.

She is a totally good person;  a bit controlling, but a good person overall and a great mother.  

My wife went ahead with the decision to have breast reduction.   She had the classic symptoms of back aches, etc.   She met one of her old friends who had a breast reduction and she came home stating she was going to move forward with exploring the reduction.  

I understood that this was something that needed to be considered.   I asked her to consider looking at weight loss, exercise, etc. before proceeding with such a drastic and radical procedure.

She had her initial consultation and she decided to move forward.   I kept pressing as to how much tissue would be removed, etc.   All that I got was they would be perkier.  I'm a quantative person.  How much means 200 grams?  500 grams?  40% smaller?   I told her if it was what she needed to do then she should.

I was never invited for a consultation by her or her cosmetic surgeon.   I was basically told, I'm moving forward.  I tried to persuade her to reconsider or at least look at other alternatives.  

The day of the surgery, I drop her off.  Park the car.  I go to the staff and ask about the length of surgery.  No one at the clinic advised me to stay.  I had my cell phone with me.   I was told the surgery would be about 3 hours so to go ahead and get breakfast.  I stayed on site and left cell phone.

Fast forward.  Surgery is completed.   I knew the results would be shocking at the front end as I had went on internet and researched info and pictures so there was no shock about the bruising and scars.   I was hopeful of the "new look"

The surgery was well done.  Scarring minimal, etc.   But after the breasts had settled I was shocked as to how much tissue was taken. My wife's breasts were reduced at least 50%.    I mentioned once to my wife that I was surprised at how extreme the reduction had been and I was struggling with it.   I was then told that the surgeon had called out to have me come in and discuss this.  Seriously????   I was already at breakfast and nobody called the cell phone.  I wasn't advised to stay and in fact was encouraged to go have breakfast due to length of surgery.  Furthermore, what doctor and patient consults with you right before the surgery.  As if there were any adjustments that could be made at that time.  

10 years out, I have never gotten over it.   I don't say anything because if I do I'm a selfish bast*rd.  I've tried counseling, Viagra, touch,,, etc.   The reality is I love my wife emotionally and I am totally faithful, but the visual and touch sensation is gone and our sex life is basically over.

I am angry, but nothing is going to change so I've resigned myself to being a partner in raising our children and in our household management and respective business decisions.  The intimacy is gone.   There is nothing that can unwire a man's preferences.  It isn't just about the size reduction.  Surgically altered breasts (enhancement or reduction) do not feel or look the same and a man's brain is wired for a certain look and feel.  I am an emotionally sensitive person, but for men in general, there is a certain disconnect between emotionional and physical attraction.  We don't dare speak this general truth as we are villified.

My wife could just have well kicked me in the testacles as it has rendered the same result.  Sex life is over.  We respect each other, but that part of our lives is over.  

I agree that women have the right to do with their bodies what they want; unfortunately, in this situation the consequences for many males is loss of physical desire after that alteration.   It is what it is.  Those women who post on this site that we are selfish pigs are just as shallow as you allude to us being.  You are suppressing our feelings and that is a fact.  



Helpful - 1
3 Comments
This is so incredibly sad that women are nothing more than a pair of breasts. I had the surgery as a teenager because I could not cope with being so out of proportion. I feel I had no choice, i was constantly laughed at and I really couldnt cope with them. If you were my husband I would rather you tell me the truth and leave me then just put up with me.
I agree, Ashley. I lived a miserable life with my heavy, painful breasts. As a teenager I suffered through depression because of the teasing and staring. I spent years waiting to finally have surgery, only to find out my husband doesn’t want it. I told him this is not negotiable. The truth is, I told him I planned to reduce them before we got married, but he shrugged it off thinking I wouldn’t go through with it. Now that surgery is scheduled, he’s pouting like a baby.

I’m sorry, but you men don’t get a say on this. Are you f***ing kidding me?? You can’t enjoy sex now because she’s smaller? Too bad. If that’s the way it’s going to be, I’ll be happy to go my separate way. At least I’ll get to enjoy my body pain free, and no marriage is worth the sh*t I’ve dealt with.
If you read all of what that man just said, and your response is just "Too bad", then you deserve to be alone. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Each of you should care about the others feelings. If you really need to get the surgery done, even though you know it will destroy your sex life (and ultimately your relationship), then do what you gotta do. But if your attitude is "Too bad", then frankly HE deserves better.
Avatar universal
Is this just about really liking big boobs or are you feeling like your wives/girlfriends made this decision without taking your feelings into consideration? As a woman about to undergo a breast reduction, I can tell you it is very easy to get caught up with the notion of finally being ‘free’ of these burdens that cause daily aggravation – from unwanted attention to outright physical agony – that it is difficult to see a downside sometimes.
If my boyfriend told me he wanted me to keep my large breasts, I would have them reduced anyway. I would be very sorry that he felt that way but this is not a ‘team’ decision, I’m afraid. I do value his opinion and I want him to find me attractive, but he does not have to live with them every moment of every day. I agree that it is important to talk about this kind of thing, however I know and he knows that it would be incredibly selfish of him to expect me to live with enormous breasts (30H), when they make me miserable (physically and mentally), just because it gets him off.
Pdxbrb – honestly, it doesn’t sound like you just ‘prefer a voluptuous woman’ you sound like you really don’t like your wife at all. She is ‘a pile of mashed potatoes’, her breasts are a ‘tragedy’, she looks terrible in clothes but even worse when nude, wanted surgery for ‘a quick fix’ because she is too lazy to exercise, she has never looked worse, etc … and you are faking erectile dysfunction because you do not want to talk about the fact that you are still crying over a breast reduction that you didn’t want her to get. I think you are right to say you put her on a pedestal as she was, and now she has revealed herself to be, in fact, an imperfect human being, you can’t handle it.
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Avatar universal
Words of encouragement for men and women on both ends of this---- my comment is worth a read for advice and maybe a little or a lot of healing!!  I'm a 56 year old woman who had a reduction at age 28.  My husband (now married 32 years) agreed to the procedure, because after our second child, my boobs almost hung down to my belly button.  Here is the weird part....After the reduction, I sort of blocked everything out, and focused on the kids - my husband and I still had great sex, although he wasn't all over my boobs anymore and I kept them covered and assumed the .. ahem .. top position.  Oddly, I didn't care - I wouldn't and couldn't allow myself to care.  Fast forward 28 years from reduction dat.  Here I sit, with my boobs almost back to the size they were before the reduction, as a spilling over 36 D.  Pre-reduction was DD.  My boobs are better shaped than they were, but I am anguished over the scars.  I practice yoga regularly, and am in good shape, but hate the scars.  
Here's where the hope and healing comes in: Instead of wallowing in the past, the woulda (not done it) coulda (not done it) shoulda (not done it), here is my advice to you all.  Women, buy some of prettiest, sexiest lingerie you can get your hands on.  I like pieces I can shimmy down under my boobs to cover the scar lines, then hoist the boobs up over the top - like a corset.  Or push them up over the top of any neckline so your nightie is basically a sling.  LOVE yourself , massage vitamin A cream into the scars to get them as supple and faded as possible and grow your hair long!  
HUSBANDS!  Here is the most important thing for you to do, and I SWEAR it will bring amazing healing to you both.  Please try to love her new boobs.  Kiss them and caress them (overcome).  Fondle them and tell her she is beautiful. Watch it come true, your words are VERY powerful.  Buy her flowers, put some petals on her for healing in a moment of togetherness.  
Help her heal, because I can guarantee if you are feeling appalled, she is feeling those feelings 100 times over.  You can actually turn this around some, and watch for yourself the amazing power of acceptance, love, transformation...all within YOUR ability.  Please try
, and see the wonders of your human touch, kind words and caring.  Try it...it might not happen over night, but try it for a while and watch your wife become beautiful again.  You need it, she needs it.  You can't go back but you can change today and tomorrow.  Try it... :)  Best to you all. xo
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Avatar universal
I am really sad to read these men's views. I was 17 when I had a breast reduction. I was 120lbs with 32e boobs. Men of all ages constantly stared and made horrible comments and laughed at me with their friends. I felt like a freak having such big boobs on a small body. I had to give up sports because they hurt so much and I wore really baggy clothes to hide them. All I ever wanted was to have normal sized or small boobs like all my friends had. I did not want or understand the attention. I begged my mother to let me get a reduction. I truly believe I had to have it because I was so out of proportion, but I do have scars and this has affected my relationship s with Men because I don't want them to be turned off by me so I have only ever had sex in dark which I know is also a turn off to men. At 33; I've tried so hard to overcome this and tried to think differently about this and hope that someday a men will like me for who I am,and the fact that I have other attractive qualities about me but it seems what most men really want is a nice pair of boobs and that's really really really awful and they will throw away 'love' because of this one aspect. I'd rather be single than be in a relationship with a man who isn't 100% happy with me like the men commenting here.
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1 Comments
The thing you're missing here, and I'm sorry for your experience when you were younger, is that you're not in a committed relationship or marriage for 10 years. There are men that will be 100% attracted to you as you are. They will notice your eyes, your smile, your hair, legs, whatever and then want to learn more about you. As they get to know how wonderful you are they will want to go even further and make even more of a commitment. This is normal. Men are visual. Men who like a woman's eyes are no different than men who like a woman's breasts just more socially acceptable as it turns out. The difference that you're not appearing to recognize is that a dramatic change like this physically is drastic, sudden, and affects sexual desire. No your sterling personality doesn't carry you through just as my gaining 100 lbs. suddenly is going to hold water with my wife. While you describe the men on this site as shallow beings at best you're showing us what a lot of women have presented us in the face of these reduction surgeries - complete insensitivity. We get to like what we like and if you think we married you or have long lasting relationship based on the size of your breasts then you are selling yourself very short.  
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