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husband's blues after wife's breast reduction

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can with this, she's had the surgery, I told her before that she's doing this only for herself, not because I had any complaints about her breasts.  I like the new ones ok, but liked the old ones better.  I was suprised at the feelings I have of betrayal, neglect, almost grieving the loss of my favorite part of her body, feelings of depression.  The comments I read from women completely discount the feelings of the men.  I'm now having problems "finishing" the act of sex.  After she is satisfied I just loose interest, I want to finish in my mind but the feeling just isn't there.  I look over at her in normal situations and the fact that she is so much smaller bothers me.  It's been 5 weeks now, we'll keep trying, hoping these feelings go away.  When I ask if there is a support group for husbands of wives with breast reduction, I get told oh it's all about you then? No It's not all about me, but I do have feelings, and they are hurt, and there isn't anybody willing to talk to about them.
39 Responses
Avatar universal
My wife of 26 years, had very large breast in her mind in mine her body was perfect.. After about 16 years of marriage my wife told me she had discussed it with her sister and after they were done discussing it.. She
thought she was going to have a reduction done. After I let her know there was no way on God green earth this was not going to happen. Not because I rule the home with a iron fist, but this was the same woman who had told me we would grow old gracefully and not under the knife. My wife is 4 years older than me and 99% of people believe I'm 5+ years older than her. Now we know who's aging gracefully. My biggest problem at that time was it was discussed with her sister, not me. Move forward 10 years. My wife,  our daughter 22,  our son 19, and myself are sitting at a restaurant and I'm told along with our kids. She has good news, "she has decide she is going to get a breast reduction" I just froze . I 've been in therapy for over 10 + years. When my therapist asked if after 30 years of being together, I've told my wife how much I was against it and it bothered me, I could not believe how quick the word "NO" came out without even thinking about it. I replied "it wont matter" after hearing myself, I decide to bring it up. In her loudest voice she let me know "I knew you would make this all about you". I said no but can we talk about it, maybe come to a middle. "NO" she replied. I then said something that was not a threat but just a very sad feeling. "if we don't talk about this ,it could destroy our family & marriage". After healing time.  We tried to be intimate twice, the first time I couldn't even look, nor receive pleasure, the second time wasn't much different. After 10 weeks of her recovery, it just didn't feel right any longer it was just quite. I told my wife I was going to move out. Almost 7-8 months later we just keep growing apart. I have dreams of my family and want to go home.  She is the only woman I ever wanted to spend my life with. Know I just want to love again and be loved in the way I feel loved. So ladies(wives) we know its your body and its your breast, but try to remember your our wife's(LIFE'S) and who knows why but we go through something very painful also our hearts breaking. Last thing enough with the red mark from the underwire or straps. My belt leaves the worst red mark that hurts and itches and my shoelaces when there too tight, but I've never considered cutting off my feet or waist down. You put the bra on, wear a looser one or none. The men are looking if you wear one or don't and 99% of the time we're always saying looking good....Last and most important God forbid should any of you ever get breast cancer the husband who loves you, will be dragging you to the hospital to have them removed. We know how much we need you. We just want to feel needed and have our feelings count also.  
3 Comments
Thank you for posting. I feel the same. We're made to feel like "jerks" for having any opinion contrary to the reduction. My wife's reduction was because she thought she would look better and fit into more clothes. I was appalled that she didn't try to lose some weight to do this. I'm disappointed and disgusted quite frankly that she didn't want to work towards losing weight the old fashioned way. When she would lose some weight her breasts would go down slightly and she was happy. Insurance lopped off a lot of breast and she's small. More than just small she looks horrible now and resembles a pile of mashed potatoes instead of the wonderful curves she had before. I suddenly have "erectile disfunction" and seeking treatment for that. What a joke. At least I have more time for my race car and I'm not available for art shows or going shopping anymore.
Uhmmm because we're more than T&A?? In bed everyone is the same height but not everyone is the same size! But, we T&A gender don't give a rat's @!#: about size if we love you and neither should you care about what inches; (and it is mere inches in both scenarios ???) matters...damn get a clue... Sexuality is so not in the inches lol! It's in the IQ...I think you're lacking some inches there. That bothers me more than your height!  
So once the reduction has been done, is there any way to fix this to make the husband happy again? A happy medium? I went from a painful H cup and 3days post-op I think I’ll be a C or D. My husband is definitely grieving and while I’m in less pain now, it breaks my heart that we are both grieving; he grieves my former form that he thought was perfect. I grieve for him) If wives get implants to help with the shape, perhaps not the size,, would that make a man happy again?
Avatar universal
Rose if there is pain or any other medical condition and a husband doesn't understand the reason for getting it done when it is to take away pain or give you a healthier life. Is a man who fell in love with your boobs and not you. I realize this is not your story. My wife did speak of discomfort or pain every once in awhile, but I rarely ever seen or new that she would take a over the counter pain med and never anything stronger. So how bad was the pain??  I'm guessing and in no way standing in judgment, if anything I
hope when you were in pain there was something you had that would help you. There are no awards for living in pain. My wife about 6 years ago had a skin cancer not diagnosed  correctly on her chin for 3 years until she changed doctors. By the grace of God it did not go into her bone. They only had to remove her chin under her bottom lip from right to left, but the chin bone stayed. I walked into the room where she was sitting up and ask me how she looked as there are no mirrors in the room. With my eyes filled with tears that were now rolling down my face, she asked "how do I look"? My mouth open and the words BEAUTIFUL came out he did such a great job. My brain was in high crazy gear crying harder than it ever has asking God "WHERE IS MY WIFES CHIN" AS THERE WAS NOTHING BUT A GAPPING HOLE WHERE HERE CHIN ONCE WAS. My wife had a large scar that was in a football shape. When she asked this time  " How do I look during this time " I replied the truth "AS BEAUTIFUL AS EVER" So when its about health there is doubt thing need to be done. But when its really not(not that the marks aren't there and the straps are leaving marks) but GEEZ THESE HUSBANDS(REAL MEN) MARRY, TRY TO RAISE A FAMILY CORRECT, AND IN SOME CASES (MINE FOR SURE) I THE HUSBAND WORK SO HARD TO EARN ENOUGH SO MY WIFE CAN LIVE THE LIFE SHE CHOOSES. I DIDN"T ASK FOR THIS PAIN (HEART BREAK) or want it. BUT IT IS REAL AND THE FEELING FOR MY BEST FRIEND SINCE I"M 20 YEARS OLD NOW 49 ARE GONE, and I want them back. I will never not love her she is the mother of my children. I want to love her again as the only love in my life.
1 Comments
Oh my God lady...I'm in love with your husband!!!-
Avatar universal
I know this pain your are experiencing. My husband of 28 yrs has been messed up for the past 12 yrs since I had my breast reduction... It has ruined my marriage. I had neck and shoulder pain and my husband WAS supportive about the surgery. We discussed it, watched a video of the surgery together etc. what came after was so unexpected . My husband cried for months, tried antidepressant mess and we did grow apart. I  acknowledged his feeling,tried to reassure that surgery takes time to heal and settle down. My husband started having erectile problems and things continued to get  worse. I do understand he may be grieving and it is a body image change. I guess after dealing with such strong emotions for months I just wanted to move on with my life, but he couldn't. He was stuck in this rut"your not the same person".  Difficult to deal with these emotions for past 12 yrs and yes it has ruined us.. It took a few years after surgery for things to sexually be better but we're not the same couple anymore. My breasts are back to the same size when I meet my husband now(grew larger after each child).he can't get passed it!
3 Comments
Thank you for post. I'm the husband in the same situation. I have seeked counceling but it is so hard. I'm ruined over it.
Leave the POS. You’ll be happier alone with your new breasts.
I have posted several comments here mostly trying to parallel the surgery and issues with what I know would be different reactions if a man had done something similar. In your case its totally different its on him once he said he supported the procedure all bets are off for him he lost his ability to whine in my opinion. This means you have the option to cut him loose in my opinion. Men just as women have different tastes in what they feel is attractive. Maybe you got a great butt, or you got a very pretty face, or your nipples are alluring the man you meet now given different tastes. Please ignore the lady above maybe she feels your best answer is drop the bum, my answer is men have different tastes allow the new man with those different tastes to chase you problem solved.
Avatar universal
Thank you for posting this. I have had the similar experience. 7 years later I am still so sad. She had the operation despite my expressed wishes, and after I could feel nothing but disgust.
I tried and I tried, but I could not get the feeling back. She broke up because my lack of interest.

I am so sad still. I am so f'n sad. I feel you man.

Avatar universal
It's not like we can completely control sexual attraction. If w could, then we would decide to be excited about any kind of body whatsoever. Would make life easy. But as it is, if we are disgusted by, or stressed by the reduced breasts, then, in my experience, it is almost impossible to "wish it away and be happy".
Loving someone and feeling sexual attraction is not for men perfectly aligned. And its not because they don't wish it were.
Avatar universal
Well I have been with the same partner for 11 years.  She got the breast reduction early on in our relationship.  Maybe after one year together.  I still hold a lot of resentment, anger, frustration, betrayal, depression. I felt and still feel shallow for caring so much about her breasts but that is how I feel. I feel it is something a female will never fully understand.  What if I decided to get a penis reduction?  Would most woman be accepting of that?  Highly unlikely. She had a wonderful pair of breasts and went from DD to B/C . I am partial to big **** but I love breast in all shapes and sizes, they were hers and it hurt a lot to see them go.  I repressed it for a while but it just made it worse.  I regret not speaking up more prior to her doing it.  I feel if she were to consider doing it now I would put a up a huge battle.  Also it was not for back issues, purely a confidence thing.  Well I wish I was hung like a horse but I'm not going to get an operation!  Just had to get that off my chest.  Getting married in two months and I am still holding on to this ********.  If anyone has any advice to finally put this **** behind me, please let me know.

Thanks

Al
2 Comments
I spoke up a lot before my wife's procedure but of course any comment made that wasn't 100% supportive meant I was being an insensitive jerk that only cared for her breasts. I now have complete sexual shutdown and am madly depressed over this. She wasn't in all that much pain but wanted to fit into more dressess. She understood somewhat but did it anyways. Knowing she likes tall men (I'm 6'3")--I told her what if I came home one day and I was 5'3". She got that analogy but continued anyways. I love her but I'm completely torn up inside.
Partner? Hmmm what does that mean? I assume its some type of liberal Millennialism. Ok sarcasm aside you mean un-married yet you say you have dealt with this 11 years? May I ask why? If you were unmarried for 11 years why would you stay in it? Or do you actually mean married and that somehow after one measly year, 365 days you didn't know she wanted this procedure? I was like a ton of bricks? If it were a ton of bricks still it was only 365 days in, I assume no kids? Wait a minute were back to you possibly being a millennial which means yes you probably had a kid because usually it goes like this, meet girl, have kid, buy a house then lastly maybe 10-20 years later then get married lol. In other words I assume normalcy how stupid of me because I'm trying to figure out why a guy just dating sticks around for 11 years with a woman who cut off his most precious funbags then hangs around
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