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husband's blues after wife's breast reduction

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can with this, she's had the surgery, I told her before that she's doing this only for herself, not because I had any complaints about her breasts.  I like the new ones ok, but liked the old ones better.  I was suprised at the feelings I have of betrayal, neglect, almost grieving the loss of my favorite part of her body, feelings of depression.  The comments I read from women completely discount the feelings of the men.  I'm now having problems "finishing" the act of sex.  After she is satisfied I just loose interest, I want to finish in my mind but the feeling just isn't there.  I look over at her in normal situations and the fact that she is so much smaller bothers me.  It's been 5 weeks now, we'll keep trying, hoping these feelings go away.  When I ask if there is a support group for husbands of wives with breast reduction, I get told oh it's all about you then? No It's not all about me, but I do have feelings, and they are hurt, and there isn't anybody willing to talk to about them.
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Avatar universal
What is selfish is the way this surgery screws up more relationships than lives it betters. When a man is attracted to a woman that is a good thing. How can you possibly fault an individual for being attracted to you. If he likes your breasts that is a great thing. The doctors tell you how out of proportion you are and they can reduce the size back to a more normal size. Let's step back a second and think about what is actually going on here. A strange individual takes a small sharp knife and cuts large pieces of breast tissue from those very glands that define you as a woman. He then pulls what is left back together staples it and stitches what he can back together to form some resemblance of a breast. In my wines case the nipples look like they were cut with a small cookie cutter, she is scarred from armpit to armpit, half of each breast has ended up as bags under each armpit and the doctor took well over two thirds of each breast. Now she looks normal I guess. Sure they are smaller but very ugly.  I can only speak for myself but this surgery was a complete disaster for our marriage.
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1 Comments
"The very glands that define you as a woman." Seriously? What does that say about women who naturally have smaller chests, or women who have them removed due to breast cancer. Reducing the essence of one's gender to their parts is disgusting and offensive.
Avatar universal
I realize that many women get reductions for medical reasons and that is understandable. Just saying that having empathy for husbands and boyfriends who find large breasts aestheticly pleasing should not be seen as completely unimportant. You mentioned that you don't understand finding large breasts attractive so I assume you have not empathy at all. But it is hard to experience the women love become suddenly different and less attractive even if you know it is to relieve her pain. I still believe breast reduction and height reduction are close aesthetic equivalents in a gender sense.
Helpful - 1
2 Comments
Like I said cut 4” inches off and see how she reacts
Uhmmm because she's more than T&A?? In bed everyone is the same height but not everyone is the same size! But, we T&A gender don't give a rat's @!#: about size if we love you and neither should you care about what inches; (and it is mere inches in both scenarios ???) matters...damn get a clue... Sexuality is so not in the inches lol! It's in the IQ...I think you're lacking some inches there. That bothers me more than your height!  
Avatar universal
I completely understand where you're coming from.  I'm still having difficulty looking at what she so proudly shows off. Irrespective of the medical benefits of reduced weight, I think a lot of it for my wife was "fixing" her aestetic and while she's happy with the results its still very difficult for me to process and look at. I liked the large breast when we first met and thought she looked great even after 3 kids and 14 yrs of marriage. I think sweetpea can talk a lot of platitudes and while its true that one needs to get used to it I'm concerned how long that will take. The hard part is trying to be supportive, while hiding how disturbing the the look and feel are.
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4 Comments
I'm still not used to the look either. Quite frankly she's now not the kind of woman that I would give a second notice if I were dating. She too is oddly proud of this surgery which is puzzling to me. I must have a great poker face. My wife's health was perfect before the surgery so it wasn't for health reasons as she claims. I'd like to say it gets better but we're not there yet. I'm very supportive of her I just don't want to be with her intimately. And going to the doctor for this phony "erectile disfunction" is a real pain in the ***.
My wife cut her DDD **** off to a 34b and I hated it til I found another well endowed woman.  Now I have those lovely nipples in my mouth all the time.  I love falling to sleep with her F cup breasts in my hand.  Heaven again.
I'm finding it hard to find the words to respond to this. It's hard to believe a person could be so self-involved and superficial that all they care about is the size of a person's breasts. If you hate it so much, you should do her a favor and leave her for this bimbo you find attractive. Disgusting!!!
I agree... The "Ick" factor is glaringly apparent here. Ick, Ick, Ick! I had a breast reduction..... I don't care if he likes them... I'm so much  more than a pillow for his head (either one of them lol)!
Avatar universal
The love of my life got a breast reduction. My feelings of loss have been devastating. It's a kind of pain I didn't know was possible.

She used to have the most beautiful natural breasts I had ever seen: G cups... full and round and flawless and magnificent. Now she has deflated D cups with huge anchor scars.

I used to feel pure joy and delight when I looked at her body. Now I feel a litany of negative emotions: shock, horror, disgust, revulsion, deep sorrow, raw anger... grief.

Her breasts used to be special in a good way (much larger than average). Now they are special in a bad way (scarred).

I used to feel lucky to have found her. Now I feel unlucky, like I was the victim of a cruel bait and switch.

I would have been perfectly satisfied with her and never been tempted to look at another woman. Now I can't stop thinking about finding someone new, someone intact.

I don't think we can be together anymore. It wouldn't be fair to either of us. I shouldn't have to be with someone who makes me feel this way, and she shouldn't have to be with someone who feels this way about her.

Thinking about why I'm reacting so badly... it has almost nothing to do with size and almost everything to do with the fact of the surgery. It's unnatural. It's disfiguring. To cut away pieces of perfectly healthy breasts... it turns my stomach. It's as bad as if she had injured her breasts in a car crash, or been mauled by a wild animal, or had a maniac run up to her in the street and slash her with a knife. In a way, the surgery is worse. The wounds are so precise and methodical. Knowing the harm was done with her permission, by a board-certified cosmetic surgeon, with the goal of making her more comfortable... none of that matters. At the end of the day, she is still disfigured, and no amount of scar revision, laser treatment, microneedling, dermabrasion, or fat transfer will ever bring her back to the way she was. She can never be natural again.

I feel like I failed to protect her. From herself, from all the people who encouraged or enabled the operation.

I also feel cheated. The reduction means her days of peak beauty are firmly behind her, and I all but missed them. It's an indignity. It stings.

I'm still in love, but the woman I fell in love with is gone. My heart is broken.
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Avatar universal
wow i see this was written over 10 years ago and i really hope things either got better or you both were able to move on separate ways and be happy. i had a breast lift done 2 weeks ago and i asked to keep as much tissue and just do a lift. they said they would be a tiny bit smaller due to the excess skin being removed but pretty much same size. Either way i always took my husband’s opinions into consideration because although i was 100% doing this for me and my confidence, i of course want my husband to also be happy because that also makes me happy. If i was going drastically smaller i can 100% understand it being hard for my husband to get on board not because he doesn’t love me but because i understand each man has preferences when it comes to physical attraction as do women. i would try to find a compromise so we can both be happy. That’s just me tho, and if there was no way to compromise i would sit down and have a long talk about our future because i would never want my husband to not be attracted to me anymore even if he does love me if he really can’t move on passed it i would rather him tell me he’s not attracted than for him to lie to me every day.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I get it. I really do get it buddy. I am in the same situation. I did not want my girlfriend of six years to have a breast reduction but she went ahead with it regardless...
I too feel the sex life has gone between my girlfriend and I.
What to do? I do not know...
Helpful - 0
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