Postpartum Depression (PPD) Community
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Avatar universal

How to live with the guilt

I didn't realize I had PPD until my daughter turned about 1. I thought I would want to hurt her or myself. But, that wasn't the case. I like her but I didn't lover her. Even typing that makes me want to cry. I kept it to myself and my husband is in the military so he was hardly ever around. Plus, we moved overseas when she was 3 months old.

Now she's two and I couldn't lover her more. But, just knowing that I felt that way. That I got so frustrated with her. That I didn't enjoy her presence as a baby, makes me feel like I've already failed her. I won't get those moments back with her. I was always so annoyed. Unwilling to play with her and even stopped breast feeding because I didn't want her on me. I feel like I don't deserve this beautiful girl that calls me mom...
I don't know how to get past the guilt. I now shower her with love and affection so much so I fear I'm going to spoil her to the point of no return. I want to be her best friend, her supporter and give her everything she wants... But, I also want to be a mom that knows when to say no and set boundaries.
How is this possible???
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Firstly, cut yourself some slack. Being a mom isn't easy AT ALL. Secondly, you suffered from PPD, which isn't something you could control, so you need to forgive yourself and move on. Your daughter is still a baby and a small child, you have plenty of time and chances to be as good a mom as you can. We all make mistakes as parents and that's normal. Hence, don't try to be the perfect parent, especially not out of guilt about something  you had no control over and which is now in the past.

Once you get rid of the guilt, and don't let that small time period during your PPD control the rest of your parenting relationship with your daughter, you'll find that it will be easier to be a normal parent, setting normal boundaries etc. without feeling the need to "make up" for the early months.

Lastly, it may help you to talk to a counsellor about your guilt feelings and fully forgive yourself. Go easy on yourself! your daughter won't remember any of what happened when she was a few months old anyway!
Avatar universal
im still fighting my way through this ppd and it sucks *** i want to love my kids more
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