Avatar universal

Clearing mind

Tonight I brought up my husband's drinking again with him. At first he was ok with this but didn't seem to want to talk about it. Lately I haven't been bringing it up, becuase things have been so wonderful. But tonight I became concerned becuase I realized that he is drinking ten beers a night. I know that he can stop if he just tried, but still I am concerned I think he needs to slow down.

So see I brought it up with him. And he didn't want to talk. I tried again later and this upset him. He said it was either drinking or smoking like I had to choose the lesser of the two evils. He also acted like I wanted him to just stop completely but all I want is for him to slow down. I love him and feel I wouldn't be a good wife if not concerned. When he had calmed from being angry he said that he just doesn't care if he is around for long. That made me cry I want him to want to live. As it got later he finally said dont worry one day I will quit. But by this time he was on his 6th or 7th beer. I wouldn't be concerned but he seems so dependent on the beer to help him through the night.

I know one day he will quit but for now I am frustrated. The things he said aren't with me in mind. Not with his own health in mind. The Lord has us both. I just got to start truly praying every night and day. A praying wife can accomplish miracles. This wife loves her husband. He is a good man who tries harder every day to prove his love, all he has left to work on is his dependencies.

Thanks to anyone who responds with helpful supportive words. Also if anyone knows any scripture I can use in my daily prayer I would be grateful. May God bless you all,
11 Responses
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1530171 tn?1448129593
Hi Kimberly.

I have been away on vacation and just got back home last night.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but please understand that
God granted everyone with Free Will and that allows us to choose a
certain path, good or bad. We must respect the choices that loved ones make,without feeling any less complete about ourselves and without feeling any less love for them, if they happen to be choices that seemingly bring them away from their purpose. It is because they have chosen at their soul level-not their intellectual level- to go through the tough lessons required, so they may learn and grow from that.
Just the same as people learn from illness and other suffering.
After all addiction is a serious disease and by pursuing it the "wrong way" -according to him as he's in denial-you will be pushing him further away, only hurting yourself, in the process.
You must guard your integrity very carefully.
And remember, you are too close to him and he may be feeling choked, even if you do it out of love and care.
I will pray for both of you.
Love, Hugs and many Blessings!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks Niko,

This also worries me because he spends so much on the beer a week. I am not on his case I just ask him how many he has drank. I then go on to explain why he should slow down. But I do feel like I am pushing him away at times.

I don't want him to feel any less love from me. I love him so much. The Lord has us so I will continue to pray for that. Pray you are doing good.
Helpful - 0
203342 tn?1328737207
UnsureMS, I've been in your shoes. The thing is, he has an addiction and he's in denial. He doesn't want to quit right now and no amount of pleading, arguing, threatening, reasoning, or anything else you can think of will change his mind until HE decides he wants to quit. He has to face that he has a problem first and he's not there yet because he's in denial. He feels he can control this, he likes it, and therefore he will continue to do it. You have a couple of choices. You can continue to stay and get support for yourself through Al Anon and through your church or you can leave if it gets too hard to live with him like this. It may come to that even if it's just temporary to wake him up and see the seriousness of this.
Like I said, I do understand, If you want to discuss this more in a pm, feel free to contact me. Sometimes it helps just to have people to talk to who know what you're going through.
I'm glad you haven't given up on your marriage. It may be a long, tough battle, though, or it may not. It all depends on him and when he's ready to admit he has a problem and needs help.
I recommend reading "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Martien. Pray the prayers every day, and make sure you have support for you with others who have been where you are. I wish you and your husband the best and I pray he will get to the point where he can turn to God and give this all to him. God bless.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Good advice april2.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hello UnsureMS,

I just finished reading your comments. Alcoholism is a disease and a sickness. If your husband is drinking 10 beers a night, this is quite concerning. Does anyone else in his family have a drinking problem?
Sometimes this is hereditary. I wonder if your husband might be able
to get some help from attending an AA group. ( Alcoholics Anonymous).
Your husband says one day he will stop drinking. You husband may want
to stop drinking, but as I said alcoholism is a sickness. This is what a lot
of people forget. My ex husband's mother was an alchoholic. My ex
husband was therefore a child of an alcoholic and he drank too much
sometimes too. Please tell your husband there is no shame in attending
these AA meetings. All of the AA members are alcoholics and the organizaiton was created to help alcoholics and to give each other support.
I just want to clarify that this was not the reason I divorced my husband.
I shared this with you because the tendency towards drinking too much
alcohol is often hereditary. If your husband hasn't tried attending an AA
meeting, I would try and encourage him to attend a meeting. What's dangerous about drinking so much is damage to the liver. I hope you can
convince your husband to reach out for help to end his drinking.
I hope my comments have been helpful. I know first hand how difficult
living with an alcoholic as I mentioned my ex husband had a drinking
problem too. He denied it as well. I eventually talked him into atteniding
an AA meeting and he came home saying he was glad he went.
I was really hopeful and then his mother passed away suddenly and I
guess he thought that he didn't have to go to any more meetings.
Anyway, good luck. Eve
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi eve,

Thanks for your comments this is an older post. But still it is great to know someone carries. My husbands issue is dependency period. He has stopped drinking and even made me proud of him on Saturday. We had a family BBQ, which typically leads to drinking. But he declined every offer and let every temptation pass him by. So, the drinking is no longer a concern.

On a different forum I spoke of the night he went back to smoking bud. This is now what I pray he will stop. It's not that I fully mind it at the moment. It's more of that I don't want him to let it take over his life like it has in the past. I trust God has my husband though. In fact last week he was sick all week and that made him debate on quitting. Then this week he got scared the cops god called on him and that made him think about it. I trust God is trying to open my husbands eyes and stop his additicive behavior.

I am sorry to hear about you and your ex husband. I don't think my husband would ever go to any meetings for me. He doesn't see why I believe he has any issues. He doesn't deny the issues, he just chooses not to discuss any of them. But he is getting better at this as well. I did know that achololism is in heredity.

My mom and dad were acholics so I choose to never drink. I saw many of my family go through drinking issues and dependency issues and never wanted a part of that. I have tried smoking once but always kept my mind focused on life and family first. My husband says I am just stronger then him. I think he just needs to boost his confidence and that is part of his problem.

Anyways thanks again for caring I will keep you posted.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi there,

Thank you for replying to my comments. I'm really glad to hear that your
husband has stopped drinking alcohol and that this is no longer an issue.
You said your mom and dad were alcoholics and that you choose never
to drink. A very wise decision. As for my ex husband, we separated in
April 1990 and divorced a year later. We married due to irreconsilable
differences as they say. My husband ( 2nd generation Italian) married
an East Indian woman two years later and as far as I know they're still
married with one child. I remarried in 2006 to a terrific man who is a lot
more like me. We get along famously. I pray God will continue to open
your husband's eyes as far as addictions. Blessings, Eve :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks eve,

Yeah it has been a long harsh battle but at least now he is starting to realize I am not nagging when I ask about the addictions just concern for us. I say us because as long as we are married all he does effects me too.

I am happy for you and glad you found a man to treat you the way you want and need. My husband isn't perfect but a great man. At times he does get me frustrated with his additive behavior I know he is better then that. He has quit before. Just temptation is around every corner.

Yeah my parents drank alot. My mom stopped after I would torture her when she had a hangover. My dad quit after my mom threatened to leave him. So everything turned out great. My brother and me both took special consideration when it came to drinking. My brother drinks but doesn't over indulge and luckily doesn't really like the taste. Well back to work I go.
Helpful - 0
1530171 tn?1448129593
Hey Kimberly,
I have a question for you.
Is it real Love (a) when we treat our loved ones who are addicted with "tough Love", with the intention to help them in the long run?
Or (b) is  real Love, unconditional, even if we suspect that this may not only help them, but actually contribute to their addiction
(with our permissiveness)?
Or (c) is it something between (a) &(b)?

Sometimes, we need to pray for Clarity, sometimes we need to pray for
Strength to do the things we need to do.
Like having the clarity to choose tough love  and the strength to implement it. You mom did it. Right?

Is stopping drinking better than smoking weed?

I do know that the protective chemical in marijuana (CBD)
these days has been almost completely bred out , resulting in more psychosis events from the effects of the THC chemical in the weed, with a much higher risk for triggering serious mental conditions, such as Schizophrenia, specially if one has certain variants of a gene called COMT according to recent research.
This research may partly explain the increased risk of developing schizophrenia for people who smoke cannabis / marijuana.

You husband really needs to go to NA or AA and/or rehab. Trading addictions,doesn't cut it.
This one may seem tamer, but has the potential to grow
into a monster.
His dysfunctional background increases the risks 10-fold.
And he's obviously never dealt with this effectively.

You can choose to keep hoping while he's promising and buying time
with you till the next "slip" , or you can "tough love" him with your continued
support for his TRUE commitment to face his addictions.

Hey, this is tough love coming from me. Things you don't want to hear,
I'm sure, but albeit necessary sometimes.

I will pray for you that God grants you Strength, Courage and Clarity to
see this through, with the best outcome for all involved.

Love and Hugs!  

PS. Did you ever think that many of your physical issues may have some connection to this?

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks Niko,

To be honest tough love has never been my strong point. My husband is making an effort though he isn't going to AA or NA. Or any of those. But he has found a godly man to speak to. I just pray that this time he actually turns to this person and listens. Then maybe with the advice coming from someone else, he will take it.

I am not good at tough love cause I hate confrontation. It just feels like you go around in circles when you argue with anyone to me. Then those circles become even bigger when you try to reason with an addict.

He is a great godly man at heart. I have had a few minor victories when dealing with his addiction lately. He heard me out about needing to slow down. Since I have control of our cash flow for the most part I know this is true. He also has stuck with the cheaper type that doesn't cost as much. When he tried to start buying the expensive more potten type I put my foot down. At first that didn't matter but then I used reason and that worked.

So small victories are starting to happen. I just got to keep my faith. Since I am the only one in the family who thinks that smoking isn't good for his addictive behavior either. I can't force him to do what I want him to. He has been keeping most of his deals with me lately.

Now what do you mean does this contribute to my health issues? I don't see how besides the stress that it causes when he is out of control. Lots of things contribute in that way. My sxs hadn't acted up for a while but over the last two weeks they have been.

Well thanks again for the advice. If I ever can bring myself to try tough love and be ok with it I will try. May god bless you,
Helpful - 0
1530171 tn?1448129593
Hey Kimberly.

Stress  is probably one of the principle co-factors in
modern disease.
In therapy sessions ( I do hypnotherapy and spiritual psychotherapy)
I facilitate stress reduction- including hidden or suppressed stress- which is a key component in the vast majority of cases of illness of all sorts including mental, emotional and physical.

Stress is associated with just about every single disease and condition that you can imagine, from depression and anxiety to CVD to  diabetes to autoimmune conditions ie: rheumatoid arthritis and Crohn’s disease and MS  and even the common cold and the flu.

Please read this paragraph a couple times so you understand it well:
The main premise now is that elevated stress (remember that this may not be always evident to you) dysregulates cortisol activity-by creating cortisol resistance.
Cortisol's job is to turn off inflammatory responses after the initial inflammatory response to some disease process or injury-part of the bodies healing process- but in this case the inflammation becomes chronic
and uncontrollable as the secreted cortisol does not activate the receptors
(that normally shut down the inflammatory response).
All this because of stress!

The related study: 10.1073/pnas.1118355109 PNAS April 2, 2012
from the National Academy of Sciences

I have witnessed time and time again the reduction in symptoms, improvement and  sometimes even complete remission in many people suffering from various conditions, once stress was taken out of the equation (dealt with effectively).
This may be very helpful for people in similar situations to yours.
The ones who can take an active role in managing their stress levels
better, will likely have substantially better outcomes on the average.

The importance of stress management and stress reduction is probably one of the most overlooked factors in health and wellness.

I hope this information helps. let me know if you need further details.

Best wishes and God Bless.

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