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Anyone else feeling NOT supported by spouse, partner, bf, etc?
I've not been feeling supported through my entire pregnancy. Yes, we wanted a baby- took two years and have lost 3 babies ... (sorry this is long.)
Not only does he just keep quiet- but when he does talk about the baby/pregnancy- it is all negative. These are things like: I am not the baby's daddy, who are you cheating with, our kid is going to be retarded, your plan is to get this baby and then leave me ... He has said he does it to make me mad and will stop, but he continues to say a few of the things.
Last night, I told him how I was feeling- not supported. I told him that when I don't feel well (as last night I vomited) it would be nice if he would offer to do something ... rather than just tell me how I have gone through this before- I should be used to it. He said he does- I asked him what he does to make me feel supported. He says he likes to cuddle with me a few minutes in bed each morning. That's nice and appreciated- but maybe you could ask me sometimes if there is something I need- that you could do for me. He rolls over and goes to sleep at that point- mumbles hold me.
He also tries to talk me into doing things that I CAN NOT/should not do now that I am preggo- like take a motorcycle ride on his racing bike. (These can be 5 hr rides sometimes.) OR play a sport that I used to play (which is a total guy sport and extremely rough.) And so I go and watch him. OR lift heavy equipment for his "business." He actually "docked" my pay (got half) because of this- and not doing a few other things.
He has not been to any appts with me ... but says wants to go on my next- sonogram. (He had even forgotten about it.) So I told him that I really would love him there- to be happy for us and supportive. BUT if he is going to NOT support me- and NOT be happy and bring up all this negative stuff- then I would rather he stay home.
I have children with me ex and I was always alone in everything. My honeymoon night- he feel alseep and slept all night (hangover.) All the births of my babies- alone and done naturally. He never got up at night- although he was not working and I was very sick- almost died. He never changed a diaper. (And I had to use cloth and with a broken arm.) So I was really hoping that this would be different. He knows all this.
I would like to think that he will come around. I leave my baby books out. I try to include him in everything- but he doesn't even listen/remember.
And yes, I do tons for him and his teenager. It just really hurts me.
Thanks for all the support I get here. Any help/suggestions appreciated. :)
Not only does he just keep quiet- but when he does talk about the baby/pregnancy- it is all negative. These are things like: I am not the baby's daddy, who are you cheating with, our kid is going to be retarded, your plan is to get this baby and then leave me ... He has said he does it to make me mad and will stop, but he continues to say a few of the things.
Last night, I told him how I was feeling- not supported. I told him that when I don't feel well (as last night I vomited) it would be nice if he would offer to do something ... rather than just tell me how I have gone through this before- I should be used to it. He said he does- I asked him what he does to make me feel supported. He says he likes to cuddle with me a few minutes in bed each morning. That's nice and appreciated- but maybe you could ask me sometimes if there is something I need- that you could do for me. He rolls over and goes to sleep at that point- mumbles hold me.
He also tries to talk me into doing things that I CAN NOT/should not do now that I am preggo- like take a motorcycle ride on his racing bike. (These can be 5 hr rides sometimes.) OR play a sport that I used to play (which is a total guy sport and extremely rough.) And so I go and watch him. OR lift heavy equipment for his "business." He actually "docked" my pay (got half) because of this- and not doing a few other things.
He has not been to any appts with me ... but says wants to go on my next- sonogram. (He had even forgotten about it.) So I told him that I really would love him there- to be happy for us and supportive. BUT if he is going to NOT support me- and NOT be happy and bring up all this negative stuff- then I would rather he stay home.
I have children with me ex and I was always alone in everything. My honeymoon night- he feel alseep and slept all night (hangover.) All the births of my babies- alone and done naturally. He never got up at night- although he was not working and I was very sick- almost died. He never changed a diaper. (And I had to use cloth and with a broken arm.) So I was really hoping that this would be different. He knows all this.
I would like to think that he will come around. I leave my baby books out. I try to include him in everything- but he doesn't even listen/remember.
And yes, I do tons for him and his teenager. It just really hurts me.
Thanks for all the support I get here. Any help/suggestions appreciated. :)
Hi Meg!
Thanks for the update! Glad you and baby are doing OK. Keep up with the good work on looking out for yourself. We're all thinking about you with good wishes!
Hugs,
~Wendy
Thanks for the update! Glad you and baby are doing OK. Keep up with the good work on looking out for yourself. We're all thinking about you with good wishes!
Hugs,
~Wendy
I am here ... :) Thanks for asking.
Things are going OK.
He DID come with me to the sonogram. He asked when we would be able to tell sex of baby. But lately he has been rubbing my belly. I get terrible headaches and he also rubs my head.
BUT- I have also noticed he tries his very best to get me to go down to his mom's house. I don't want to rehash it so I say no ... or sometimes I REALLY ahve had a headache. BUT- he doesn't ask why. I guess he thinks I am going to back down. His mom lives very close to us. But I am not backing down. I am even reluctant to give her photos of me- and the baby. (She not only has this woman over her house- but also another ex and her hubby who is a convicted habitual offender/felon. He's a scary dude. WE have also worried for his mom's safety ... anyhow.)
I have asked partner about baby names. He one time said- that won't go well with my last name. OUCH. That wasn't good. I asked him how important it was for the baby to have HIS last name. He started professing how it is HIS baby and a big slap in the face to NOT give them HIS last name. I just asked ... but his answers really weren't good for me. I MEAN we are ENGAGED... Maybe I read too much in it- but I guess I THOUGHT he'd say- so we all have the same last name. I am seriously leaning toward giving the baby MY last name or hyphenating it. I just think about all the ugly things he said in the beginning. It's not to punish him at all. I am trying to think what is best for my child- our child.
He hasn't read the books I got him from the library- one is soo cute. The Caveman's Guide to Pregnancy or something like that!
He doesn't push me to do things that I should NOT be doing anymore. He asked one time to go out on his motorcycle- and I was all into it (sarcastically)- and he changed his tune.
Thank you all!
Things are going OK.
He DID come with me to the sonogram. He asked when we would be able to tell sex of baby. But lately he has been rubbing my belly. I get terrible headaches and he also rubs my head.
BUT- I have also noticed he tries his very best to get me to go down to his mom's house. I don't want to rehash it so I say no ... or sometimes I REALLY ahve had a headache. BUT- he doesn't ask why. I guess he thinks I am going to back down. His mom lives very close to us. But I am not backing down. I am even reluctant to give her photos of me- and the baby. (She not only has this woman over her house- but also another ex and her hubby who is a convicted habitual offender/felon. He's a scary dude. WE have also worried for his mom's safety ... anyhow.)
I have asked partner about baby names. He one time said- that won't go well with my last name. OUCH. That wasn't good. I asked him how important it was for the baby to have HIS last name. He started professing how it is HIS baby and a big slap in the face to NOT give them HIS last name. I just asked ... but his answers really weren't good for me. I MEAN we are ENGAGED... Maybe I read too much in it- but I guess I THOUGHT he'd say- so we all have the same last name. I am seriously leaning toward giving the baby MY last name or hyphenating it. I just think about all the ugly things he said in the beginning. It's not to punish him at all. I am trying to think what is best for my child- our child.
He hasn't read the books I got him from the library- one is soo cute. The Caveman's Guide to Pregnancy or something like that!
He doesn't push me to do things that I should NOT be doing anymore. He asked one time to go out on his motorcycle- and I was all into it (sarcastically)- and he changed his tune.
Thank you all!
* Maybe I'm corny but I believe that love is when someone knows all your weaknesses but NEVER uses them against you.
So, so true. And I'd add to that, that love is when someone actively looks for ways to help you shine, to build up your strengths, and to be the best version of yourself that you possibly can.
So, so true. And I'd add to that, that love is when someone actively looks for ways to help you shine, to build up your strengths, and to be the best version of yourself that you possibly can.
Hello,
How are you doing ? I just read your post and all the responses. I had seen your subject/question but, didn't read the entire post til now. All those "tell you like it is" responses are so true - I'm glad SuZm and the others said it all. Maybe you're hanging onto this relationship because you don't want to do it alone but, the truth is - you already are. If you have to protect your feelings now - how will you feel when the baby is born ? How about the child you already have ? You sound like you're a generous, thoughtful, caring person who goes all out for the most unappreciative people in the world. These toxic people really are undeserving and disrespectful. I hope you read and reread all these responses and realize that the respect you want from those around you should be EXPECTED - you shouldn't have to ask for it - that includes your fiancé.
When I first read just the subject of your post, I assumed your fiancé was just worried to commit his heart because of the losses you BOTH suffered. But, after reading the rest it seems you are the only one suffering because the things that come out of his mouth are intentionally cruel and don't show any support. Maybe I'm corny but I believe that love is when someone knows all your weaknesses but NEVER uses them against you. If you go back and read and reread everything you will see the list of negatives this "man" has including those around him. You aren't being needy when all you're wanting is to be respected, protected and supported. Your fiancé should be your safe place to fall. You are not getting anything and it seems you keep hoping and hoping for him to change. You've already been in one bad relationship - and broken promises - don't put yourself through that again. You really deserve more than that. Everyone is telling you that actions speak louder than words. Well, the same goes for you. I hope you start to see your self-worth - its the best action you can do for yourself and your children. Deciding to distance yourself and your children from these toxic relationships surrounding this "man" is a start. Don't let his words poison you any more - I noticed you once said something like "IF" the pregnancy comes to term. Start thinking WHEN the HEALTHY baby is born. Celebrate your pregnancy, and find others who are excited for you. Oh and congrats on your pregnancy - may it be an uneventful one ! Keep us posted on the progress. Like everyone here, I'm thinking of you.
How are you doing ? I just read your post and all the responses. I had seen your subject/question but, didn't read the entire post til now. All those "tell you like it is" responses are so true - I'm glad SuZm and the others said it all. Maybe you're hanging onto this relationship because you don't want to do it alone but, the truth is - you already are. If you have to protect your feelings now - how will you feel when the baby is born ? How about the child you already have ? You sound like you're a generous, thoughtful, caring person who goes all out for the most unappreciative people in the world. These toxic people really are undeserving and disrespectful. I hope you read and reread all these responses and realize that the respect you want from those around you should be EXPECTED - you shouldn't have to ask for it - that includes your fiancé.
When I first read just the subject of your post, I assumed your fiancé was just worried to commit his heart because of the losses you BOTH suffered. But, after reading the rest it seems you are the only one suffering because the things that come out of his mouth are intentionally cruel and don't show any support. Maybe I'm corny but I believe that love is when someone knows all your weaknesses but NEVER uses them against you. If you go back and read and reread everything you will see the list of negatives this "man" has including those around him. You aren't being needy when all you're wanting is to be respected, protected and supported. Your fiancé should be your safe place to fall. You are not getting anything and it seems you keep hoping and hoping for him to change. You've already been in one bad relationship - and broken promises - don't put yourself through that again. You really deserve more than that. Everyone is telling you that actions speak louder than words. Well, the same goes for you. I hope you start to see your self-worth - its the best action you can do for yourself and your children. Deciding to distance yourself and your children from these toxic relationships surrounding this "man" is a start. Don't let his words poison you any more - I noticed you once said something like "IF" the pregnancy comes to term. Start thinking WHEN the HEALTHY baby is born. Celebrate your pregnancy, and find others who are excited for you. Oh and congrats on your pregnancy - may it be an uneventful one ! Keep us posted on the progress. Like everyone here, I'm thinking of you.
Hi Meg - just wondering how you are doing. Drop us a line if you are still checking the forum. :-)
Hugs,
~Wendy
Hugs,
~Wendy
** Unfortunately, this left him confused as to why he had no friends - but he didn't mind too much - just went right ahead and made new ones with immediate claims of "bonding" and being "soul-twins", and that kind of thing.
OMG. I know this kind of person so well. Hahaha. You gave me a laugh, thanks!
I agree that it's comforting to read others' accounts. When I was digging myself out of doormat hell, I used to post in a forum for women that was primarily focused on relationship issues. I got lots of anecdotal stories about how other women had managed to grow some boundaries and find good partners. It was very inspiring!
OMG. I know this kind of person so well. Hahaha. You gave me a laugh, thanks!
I agree that it's comforting to read others' accounts. When I was digging myself out of doormat hell, I used to post in a forum for women that was primarily focused on relationship issues. I got lots of anecdotal stories about how other women had managed to grow some boundaries and find good partners. It was very inspiring!
Yes indeed! Ruby says it well. Don't worry about sounding bitchy, because you are sooo obviously NOT a *****. Glad you are setting boundaries. Sounds as if you have all the right ideas.
It took me four years to finally see the light about my own "former friend". It's a tough road, because they use your own best characteristics against you. They don't "mean to be mean" - it's just so natural, they are mean without intention. He used to say of himself , "I don't have a mean bone in my body!" That was how he saw himself, and quite naturally, because he never actually formed PLANS to hurt someone. Unfortunately, this left him confused as to why he had no friends - but he didn't mind too much - just went right ahead and made new ones with immediate claims of "bonding" and being "soul-twins", and that kind of thing.
Sorry to go on about my own experience, but I've found that there is a broad streak of similarity in folks like this, and I found it comforting to read others' accounts when I was trying to sort out my own situation.
Keep us posted on how it's going for you!
~Wendy
It took me four years to finally see the light about my own "former friend". It's a tough road, because they use your own best characteristics against you. They don't "mean to be mean" - it's just so natural, they are mean without intention. He used to say of himself , "I don't have a mean bone in my body!" That was how he saw himself, and quite naturally, because he never actually formed PLANS to hurt someone. Unfortunately, this left him confused as to why he had no friends - but he didn't mind too much - just went right ahead and made new ones with immediate claims of "bonding" and being "soul-twins", and that kind of thing.
Sorry to go on about my own experience, but I've found that there is a broad streak of similarity in folks like this, and I found it comforting to read others' accounts when I was trying to sort out my own situation.
Keep us posted on how it's going for you!
~Wendy
I have the same tendency to stay too long and to give too many chances, which is why I really empathize with you.
*In fact- as soon as I feel those hearstrings being pulled with something he is saying- THAT IS NOW MY BULL$hit meter.
YES! You're getting it. Talk is cheap. It has to be all about his actions now. I have one friend who would do shameless things after he had screwed up-- like bring home a puppy. So it can't just be any cheap ploy to get back in your good graces. He needs to show some real character, and now.
* I just really am thinking what is the best thing for the baby and I.
Excellent!
* I am unvoluntarily alone all the time- so I might as well be voluntarily alone- by MY choice.
I am really sorry that you are feeling so alone right now. You have this forum and hopefully at least one confidante in real life that you can call upon. It is good that you are seeing the situation with clear eyes, for what it is. Good for you!
* Sorry if this comes of in a BIOTCHY way. I don't really know the proper/etiiquette way to handle these situations- and I just don't care anymore.
Please don't worry about being b*tchy, because that just isn't the case here. You are simply developing some new and healthy boundaries-- and to those of us who are used to being uber-accomodating, it *feels* like bitchiness, but it is actually the opposite!
Learning to love and care for yourself and your baby is where you will find your real integrity, and the right things to do and say will naturally flow from that loving place.
People who don't measure up, can just be "sent on their way"-- no hard feelings needed, they just don't cut it and it's not up to you to tolerate them.
Unfortunately this is something that has to become a new lifetime habit, not just something that we do when we're being walked on. It's a challenge but the reward you get in return is that you can look yourself in the eye and know that you have integrity and self-respect.
Best of luck luv!!
I also want to recommend a funny book full of great advice, that has an unfortunate title. It's called "Why Men Love B*tches". Again-- it really is NOT about being a b*tch, it's about setting boundaries and letting the chips fall where they may. :)
*In fact- as soon as I feel those hearstrings being pulled with something he is saying- THAT IS NOW MY BULL$hit meter.
YES! You're getting it. Talk is cheap. It has to be all about his actions now. I have one friend who would do shameless things after he had screwed up-- like bring home a puppy. So it can't just be any cheap ploy to get back in your good graces. He needs to show some real character, and now.
* I just really am thinking what is the best thing for the baby and I.
Excellent!
* I am unvoluntarily alone all the time- so I might as well be voluntarily alone- by MY choice.
I am really sorry that you are feeling so alone right now. You have this forum and hopefully at least one confidante in real life that you can call upon. It is good that you are seeing the situation with clear eyes, for what it is. Good for you!
* Sorry if this comes of in a BIOTCHY way. I don't really know the proper/etiiquette way to handle these situations- and I just don't care anymore.
Please don't worry about being b*tchy, because that just isn't the case here. You are simply developing some new and healthy boundaries-- and to those of us who are used to being uber-accomodating, it *feels* like bitchiness, but it is actually the opposite!
Learning to love and care for yourself and your baby is where you will find your real integrity, and the right things to do and say will naturally flow from that loving place.
People who don't measure up, can just be "sent on their way"-- no hard feelings needed, they just don't cut it and it's not up to you to tolerate them.
Unfortunately this is something that has to become a new lifetime habit, not just something that we do when we're being walked on. It's a challenge but the reward you get in return is that you can look yourself in the eye and know that you have integrity and self-respect.
Best of luck luv!!
I also want to recommend a funny book full of great advice, that has an unfortunate title. It's called "Why Men Love B*tches". Again-- it really is NOT about being a b*tch, it's about setting boundaries and letting the chips fall where they may. :)
Ruby,
I know you are right. I tend to see the best in people- and am nuturing and kind. BUT- three strikes and you are outta my life- unfortunately- I know I give my partner more chances than he really deserves. (Which I did in my 15 plus yr marriage too.) My partner now- I met when I was 16. he was my first serious relationship. LONG STORY!
He still has not "talked" with his mother. So when he called me today- to find out about the sonogram (which I have been sooo looking forward to and counting down to- which I guess paid off- he actually remembered what day.) Anyhow- he asked me if I still wanted him to go. I told him that since he never supports me in time of crisis or when I really need him- or if he says he WILL do for me- he bails on me at the last minute- or BRINGS ME DOWN- he could just stay home. I am used to doing it alone- and so I am just going to say NO when he offers anything to me- as he never comes through on my birthday- (which he forgot) or whatver promises. In fact- as soon as I feel those hearstrings being pulled with something he is saying- THAT IS NOW MY BULL$hit meter. And evidence of that lack of support is this past funeral fiasco- and lack of talking with his mother ... not to mention the lack of support I got with my miscarriages- a whole NOTHER can of beans. So I don't want someone there just for the fun stuff. MY EX was like that- he hated my work- was very NON SUPPORTIVE- but as soon as it came time for FUN stuff thru work- he was there with his hand out. (Which I DID stop even inviting him to.) ANYHOW- although I do want him to be part of this baby's life- he is gonna need to prove it and prove it in a big way to me. (He has been to one appt THROUGH all these problems with me/babies.) AND THAT one I HAD to walk to with a temp of 102 degrees three miles away. (Sorry for the SOB story- balalala.) By leaving him at home- I guess I am disconnecting myself from him emotionally. And I want him to be there more than anything and to be supported- it is so hard. I just really am thinking what is the best thing for the baby and I. I am unvoluntarily alone all the time- so I might as well be voluntarily alone- by MY choice.
As far as the mother- I am done dealing with her. Probably his sibling too- but we don't really talk- actually they (sib and fiance') talked more with the "woman" than with me at the funeral. And the funny thing is that although my ex hubby could do some awful stuff- his family was very supportive. I was very close with his brother- and could have talked with him about this stuff- and probably would have had to keep him from telling his mother- and this woman off right at the funeral. But you know- my former MIL had way more class than doing something like that too.
Sorry if this comes of in a BIOTCHY way. I don't really know the proper/etiiquette way to handle these situations- and I just don't care anymore. I just want what is best for me and the baby. I really am so thankful for the support I get here.
I know you are right. I tend to see the best in people- and am nuturing and kind. BUT- three strikes and you are outta my life- unfortunately- I know I give my partner more chances than he really deserves. (Which I did in my 15 plus yr marriage too.) My partner now- I met when I was 16. he was my first serious relationship. LONG STORY!
He still has not "talked" with his mother. So when he called me today- to find out about the sonogram (which I have been sooo looking forward to and counting down to- which I guess paid off- he actually remembered what day.) Anyhow- he asked me if I still wanted him to go. I told him that since he never supports me in time of crisis or when I really need him- or if he says he WILL do for me- he bails on me at the last minute- or BRINGS ME DOWN- he could just stay home. I am used to doing it alone- and so I am just going to say NO when he offers anything to me- as he never comes through on my birthday- (which he forgot) or whatver promises. In fact- as soon as I feel those hearstrings being pulled with something he is saying- THAT IS NOW MY BULL$hit meter. And evidence of that lack of support is this past funeral fiasco- and lack of talking with his mother ... not to mention the lack of support I got with my miscarriages- a whole NOTHER can of beans. So I don't want someone there just for the fun stuff. MY EX was like that- he hated my work- was very NON SUPPORTIVE- but as soon as it came time for FUN stuff thru work- he was there with his hand out. (Which I DID stop even inviting him to.) ANYHOW- although I do want him to be part of this baby's life- he is gonna need to prove it and prove it in a big way to me. (He has been to one appt THROUGH all these problems with me/babies.) AND THAT one I HAD to walk to with a temp of 102 degrees three miles away. (Sorry for the SOB story- balalala.) By leaving him at home- I guess I am disconnecting myself from him emotionally. And I want him to be there more than anything and to be supported- it is so hard. I just really am thinking what is the best thing for the baby and I. I am unvoluntarily alone all the time- so I might as well be voluntarily alone- by MY choice.
As far as the mother- I am done dealing with her. Probably his sibling too- but we don't really talk- actually they (sib and fiance') talked more with the "woman" than with me at the funeral. And the funny thing is that although my ex hubby could do some awful stuff- his family was very supportive. I was very close with his brother- and could have talked with him about this stuff- and probably would have had to keep him from telling his mother- and this woman off right at the funeral. But you know- my former MIL had way more class than doing something like that too.
Sorry if this comes of in a BIOTCHY way. I don't really know the proper/etiiquette way to handle these situations- and I just don't care anymore. I just want what is best for me and the baby. I really am so thankful for the support I get here.
Meg, I am really sorry for what you are going through. This man and his mother-- both are quite a piece of work. It's clear where he gets his abusive behaviour from, though that hardly excuses any of it.
I wish for you that you would find distance from these people, at least on an emotional level, so that you are no longer in harm's way. And what kind of a partner is a man from whom you must distance and protect yourself emotionally? How can trust grow in such a situation? At best, he is very weak, at worst, he is quite simply not a good or kind person. You are the key to change in this situation-- NOT them. It is very unlikely that he or his mother will change. You are not a victim here, unless you choose to remain so. Please take care of yourself.
I won't say any more because I don't want to come across as judgmental, or worse yet, project my own experiences of similar situations onto you. All I can say is that ultimately, the only thing that ever worked for me was to make a decision to no longer allow cruel people ANY access to me, my life or my loved ones.
I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best for you!
I wish for you that you would find distance from these people, at least on an emotional level, so that you are no longer in harm's way. And what kind of a partner is a man from whom you must distance and protect yourself emotionally? How can trust grow in such a situation? At best, he is very weak, at worst, he is quite simply not a good or kind person. You are the key to change in this situation-- NOT them. It is very unlikely that he or his mother will change. You are not a victim here, unless you choose to remain so. Please take care of yourself.
I won't say any more because I don't want to come across as judgmental, or worse yet, project my own experiences of similar situations onto you. All I can say is that ultimately, the only thing that ever worked for me was to make a decision to no longer allow cruel people ANY access to me, my life or my loved ones.
I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best for you!
Hi Meg,
You are certainly taking the right course in setting limits to how much hurtful behavior you are exposed to, and from how many people. I believe that's the usual professional advice, too - set your own limits, because, sadly, these people won't set any limits of their own. I'm glad you have resolve - it's the only way to protect yourself.
It's also a common pattern that folks like this don't "walk their talk". It is their actions that speak for them, and not their words - and the same goes for all of us, of course. Unfortunately, often with people like this, their words don't match their actions.
Keep your resolve and stay in touch! We're rooting for you. Devote yourself to taking care of your well-being, and your baby's.
Hugs,
~Wendy
You are certainly taking the right course in setting limits to how much hurtful behavior you are exposed to, and from how many people. I believe that's the usual professional advice, too - set your own limits, because, sadly, these people won't set any limits of their own. I'm glad you have resolve - it's the only way to protect yourself.
It's also a common pattern that folks like this don't "walk their talk". It is their actions that speak for them, and not their words - and the same goes for all of us, of course. Unfortunately, often with people like this, their words don't match their actions.
Keep your resolve and stay in touch! We're rooting for you. Devote yourself to taking care of your well-being, and your baby's.
Hugs,
~Wendy
Wendy-
Thanks so much for the response. I am done doing family functions and trying to limit my contact with her completely.
I think you are right about the teaming up- I think he may have even known. But he knew I would not want to go and be subject to that.
Since I can already see BOTH of these women in the waiting room after I give birth- I am _ if I make it that far- going to leave the hospital with strict instructions that HE is the only one allowed to be in my room at any time- and no info given out. I already had two miscarriages leading up to this pregnancy- Dr says extreme stress ... (during above scenarios).
I am limiting my contact with her- and people like her. No more going to her home or to others for family functions- just telling people that I choose not to be around certain people whose deliberate hurtful attitude toward me is unacceptable and hurtful to my health.
I actually do feel a bit of resolve in the situation- because I know that I tried and continually tried to work on things- and was just continually backstabbed. I see this last thing as on PURPOSE because when we went thru the photos- infidelity and keeping some people OUT of the photos was mentioned numerous times- and I was very thoughtful in putting it together. She could have at least given me a warning. So no more taking care of her lawn. house. snow removal- picking her up/off etc. (Yes- she is able bodied- works FT.) I won't even be going to graduations- I can put up with the mother- but especially not when she invites the ex gf (cheater) with no warning. I don't even want to discuss her with my fiance'. I don't care how that sounds- it is for my own piece of mind and health.
My partner has now said he wanted to say something when they were talking about more children- and he feels bad. I just feel like a LITTLE LESS TALK a LOT MORE ACTION. Balalalaa. He also says he is going to say something to his mother- but I know that is just a line to pacify me.
Thanks so much for the response. I am done doing family functions and trying to limit my contact with her completely.
I think you are right about the teaming up- I think he may have even known. But he knew I would not want to go and be subject to that.
Since I can already see BOTH of these women in the waiting room after I give birth- I am _ if I make it that far- going to leave the hospital with strict instructions that HE is the only one allowed to be in my room at any time- and no info given out. I already had two miscarriages leading up to this pregnancy- Dr says extreme stress ... (during above scenarios).
I am limiting my contact with her- and people like her. No more going to her home or to others for family functions- just telling people that I choose not to be around certain people whose deliberate hurtful attitude toward me is unacceptable and hurtful to my health.
I actually do feel a bit of resolve in the situation- because I know that I tried and continually tried to work on things- and was just continually backstabbed. I see this last thing as on PURPOSE because when we went thru the photos- infidelity and keeping some people OUT of the photos was mentioned numerous times- and I was very thoughtful in putting it together. She could have at least given me a warning. So no more taking care of her lawn. house. snow removal- picking her up/off etc. (Yes- she is able bodied- works FT.) I won't even be going to graduations- I can put up with the mother- but especially not when she invites the ex gf (cheater) with no warning. I don't even want to discuss her with my fiance'. I don't care how that sounds- it is for my own piece of mind and health.
My partner has now said he wanted to say something when they were talking about more children- and he feels bad. I just feel like a LITTLE LESS TALK a LOT MORE ACTION. Balalalaa. He also says he is going to say something to his mother- but I know that is just a line to pacify me.
Hi Meg,
On the basis of what you've told us, it is clear that you are being set up by these people to feel miserable. Men like your partner are often very close to a member of their biological family, and sometimes work as a team with them. This sounds like your partner and his mom.
It all sounds very crummy, but the worst part of your story is that when the issue of your partner's children came up, the fact that you were expecting wasn't even mentioned. I can't help but say that it sounds like these people get their kicks from devaluing you. I expect if you wrote about all of it it would fill a book!
I encourage you to get counselling and tell all this to a professional who can give you some emotional support and advice. Look up Counselling Services in your phone book - you might find some that are community-sponsored or have a free first consultation. Telling others about your situation - just like you are doing here - will help you get some perspective and plan for the future.
Best wishes, and write all you want to us!
~Wendy
On the basis of what you've told us, it is clear that you are being set up by these people to feel miserable. Men like your partner are often very close to a member of their biological family, and sometimes work as a team with them. This sounds like your partner and his mom.
It all sounds very crummy, but the worst part of your story is that when the issue of your partner's children came up, the fact that you were expecting wasn't even mentioned. I can't help but say that it sounds like these people get their kicks from devaluing you. I expect if you wrote about all of it it would fill a book!
I encourage you to get counselling and tell all this to a professional who can give you some emotional support and advice. Look up Counselling Services in your phone book - you might find some that are community-sponsored or have a free first consultation. Telling others about your situation - just like you are doing here - will help you get some perspective and plan for the future.
Best wishes, and write all you want to us!
~Wendy
I just wanted to say thank u to everyone.
I had a very bad day yesterday. I was up just about all night. It is a very long story...
Had a funeral yesterday for close relative of my partner on his mom's side.
Basically I had to put up with the woman he cheated on me with being at the funeral for quite some time. Partner's mom invited her. It really hurts me- as I did alot to help out. I got the deceased person's outfit together- and make a huge photo collage that probably took me 8-9 hours (like a big scarpbook page- three foldable sections.) And yes- the mom knows- as she was on the trip- to the very special place of he and I (so I thought) that he cheated on me at. I met her a few times after this- and he always introduced her as a friend- but she was always rude to me- and he denied sleeping with her. Still insists that although he slept with X, Y, and Z after asking me to marry him- he did not with her- a former gf. Well, I saw pics from this trip- one hotel suite- them in the hot tub- her in the bed ... pics with arms around each other. (Alot of lies I won't get into.)
Anyhow- I have tried to be forgiving of his mom who has really hurt me in the past- allowing teen to steal from me and destroy my property while she was at my home with him- and then telling me how she kept quiet about it for days- and just let us find out. Then even after that, when I had her to a big dinner with she, my partner's two teens and my child- (my partner was not at as he lfet at last minute to meet a friend) the first thing she says t the table is how "here I am here and I have company at my house and I should be ..." Company was the woman I mentioned above- and so teens want gma to take them and see her. She left her car at her place when she went to the airport. So teen s wanna hurry that they don't miss her. Maybe I am too sensitive- but it hurt me that she would say that. My child also felt hurt.
I was also hurt- as partner was asked by a few people if he had any other children- and they joked how that was probably enough for him and they were sure he would not want anymore now or in the future. I wanted to just say- SURPRISE- but I kept quiet.
I guess I thought things would be different with his mom. We went through the photo albums for hours- and I just kept telling myself to be guarded- as I guess I feel like I know better. Then yesterday ...
I feel like my partner is not supportive- I couldn't find him when she was there at the funeral- and the whole thing made me physically sick to my stomach. I finally found him with his mom.
Last night when we were alone in bed- I told partner how I was feeling. Partner thinks I should just get over everything- move on- yet I feel like this kinda thing is a constant reminder. Amazing thing is that as she and I went through the photos- many of the photos in the albums could not be used- as they were reminders of some potential infidelity of the deceased. So I told my partner- what if I would have invited this person to the funeral or used those photos- do you think the spouse- family- should just move on and get over it? Partner is mad I would even tell him this as it is 11:30 pm and he has to work next morning. Says I did it on purpose to keep him up and make him miserable.
When I finally went to sleep ... I had a dream that partner's mom was having son steal from our bedroom again- but this time it was like an episode of "Supermarket Sweep." How awful is that...
Are there people in your life that bring you no happiness and you just want to cut them out? I don't even want to go to family functions anymore- as this has happened before. I guess I just at least wanted some understanding from my partner ... and a heads up from the both of them.
Thanks so much for letting me go on with the long vent. Pregnancy hormones make me nuts sometimes ... :)
I had a very bad day yesterday. I was up just about all night. It is a very long story...
Had a funeral yesterday for close relative of my partner on his mom's side.
Basically I had to put up with the woman he cheated on me with being at the funeral for quite some time. Partner's mom invited her. It really hurts me- as I did alot to help out. I got the deceased person's outfit together- and make a huge photo collage that probably took me 8-9 hours (like a big scarpbook page- three foldable sections.) And yes- the mom knows- as she was on the trip- to the very special place of he and I (so I thought) that he cheated on me at. I met her a few times after this- and he always introduced her as a friend- but she was always rude to me- and he denied sleeping with her. Still insists that although he slept with X, Y, and Z after asking me to marry him- he did not with her- a former gf. Well, I saw pics from this trip- one hotel suite- them in the hot tub- her in the bed ... pics with arms around each other. (Alot of lies I won't get into.)
Anyhow- I have tried to be forgiving of his mom who has really hurt me in the past- allowing teen to steal from me and destroy my property while she was at my home with him- and then telling me how she kept quiet about it for days- and just let us find out. Then even after that, when I had her to a big dinner with she, my partner's two teens and my child- (my partner was not at as he lfet at last minute to meet a friend) the first thing she says t the table is how "here I am here and I have company at my house and I should be ..." Company was the woman I mentioned above- and so teens want gma to take them and see her. She left her car at her place when she went to the airport. So teen s wanna hurry that they don't miss her. Maybe I am too sensitive- but it hurt me that she would say that. My child also felt hurt.
I was also hurt- as partner was asked by a few people if he had any other children- and they joked how that was probably enough for him and they were sure he would not want anymore now or in the future. I wanted to just say- SURPRISE- but I kept quiet.
I guess I thought things would be different with his mom. We went through the photo albums for hours- and I just kept telling myself to be guarded- as I guess I feel like I know better. Then yesterday ...
I feel like my partner is not supportive- I couldn't find him when she was there at the funeral- and the whole thing made me physically sick to my stomach. I finally found him with his mom.
Last night when we were alone in bed- I told partner how I was feeling. Partner thinks I should just get over everything- move on- yet I feel like this kinda thing is a constant reminder. Amazing thing is that as she and I went through the photos- many of the photos in the albums could not be used- as they were reminders of some potential infidelity of the deceased. So I told my partner- what if I would have invited this person to the funeral or used those photos- do you think the spouse- family- should just move on and get over it? Partner is mad I would even tell him this as it is 11:30 pm and he has to work next morning. Says I did it on purpose to keep him up and make him miserable.
When I finally went to sleep ... I had a dream that partner's mom was having son steal from our bedroom again- but this time it was like an episode of "Supermarket Sweep." How awful is that...
Are there people in your life that bring you no happiness and you just want to cut them out? I don't even want to go to family functions anymore- as this has happened before. I guess I just at least wanted some understanding from my partner ... and a heads up from the both of them.
Thanks so much for letting me go on with the long vent. Pregnancy hormones make me nuts sometimes ... :)
Good call on the BPD and NPD links as well. Those of us who were raised with parents with Borderline or Narcissistic personality disorders are also more prone to find ourselves in relationships with those kinds of people, because to us it feels "normal". But on the flip side, we can use our experience to recognize them, once we know what to look for. I'm reading a great book right now called Boundaries. It's more of a "review" since I did about 9 years of therapy already (which is a ton of hard work!), but I feel like I must check in from time to time since my overwhelming predisposition is towards being extremely accomodating.
As Suz suggested, it's something that we have to take into our own hands by getting help for ourselves first & foremost. That way we'll have the wherewithal to get out of these kinds of relationships and recognize toxic people going forward. Sometimes I still struggle to recognize the difference between a man with a healthy sense of entitlement (my husband ;)), and one who will take and take to the point of being abusive. It's just something I think I will always have to work with, since I was never taught boundaries and had to start creating my own in my late 20s/early 30s.
megryan and teachnz, thinking of you and wanting the best for you!
As Suz suggested, it's something that we have to take into our own hands by getting help for ourselves first & foremost. That way we'll have the wherewithal to get out of these kinds of relationships and recognize toxic people going forward. Sometimes I still struggle to recognize the difference between a man with a healthy sense of entitlement (my husband ;)), and one who will take and take to the point of being abusive. It's just something I think I will always have to work with, since I was never taught boundaries and had to start creating my own in my late 20s/early 30s.
megryan and teachnz, thinking of you and wanting the best for you!
Good morning Meg. I`m really glad my interpretation of your situation didn`t make you uncomfortable! :) I`d like to know how long this has been going on and how you are holding up. Things to watch for in yourself are things like withdrawing from other people, signs of depression and anxiety, fatigue, emotional outbursts, guilt. It`s tough enough to shoulder this kind of thing alone anytime but it must be especially tough now because of your pregnancy and remember none of us know who you really are so you can be perfectly honest on here about what`s going on. I`m concerned about you.
Hi!
I do agree whole heartedly with SuzM. I would have responded sooner - but the thought that I was right just made me so sad that I waited for someone else to say it (wimp). I have experienced this type of relationship first-hand. It is a one-way road to emotional exhaustion and possible breakdown.
There is indeed a personality type that is, as Suz points out, "unintentionally targetted" by this type of person (your partner). We tend to be caring, nurturing types, who will carry all the emotional weight of the relationship on our own shoulders, hoping that our love will make the other person secure and happy. However, after a time we must recognize that the way they treat us is not circumstantial, but simply the way they are. They cannot change, and see no need to. In psychological terms, they are said to have personality issues, or even personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcississtic Personality Disorder. Google these terms and you may see an eerily familiar pacture.
The abusive individuals themselves do not see themselves as in need of help. They feel the problem (if they admit there is one) is with everybody else. However, it is they themselves who often cannot hold onto relationships, jobs, or residences - or who have frequent angry or abusive outbursts, or engage in subtle undermining of their partner's security, safety or self-esteem.
Not a pretty picture, unfortunately. And the insideous thing is that it can leave us exhausted and even depressed, as we constantly try to "make things right again". So, as Suz says, it's important for the VICTIM to get counselling, which will address present issues as well as self-esteem matters that may lead one into repeated relationships with such partners.
Because, yepp, megryan, you are a victim - and it's admirable that you want to make the best of things and not whine, and make your partner and his son happy - but it's too much, and you will soon be threatening the well-being of your new child. You've taken a good first step by telling this forum about it - and I hope you will soon take the next step of getting professional advice.
It's a big challenge - I've been there! - so please keep in touch and tell us how things are! Although Suz and I see it the way we do and hope you get yourself some help, no one will be critical of how fast you do it - because we know it's a hard spot you're in.
Take care,
~Wendy
I do agree whole heartedly with SuzM. I would have responded sooner - but the thought that I was right just made me so sad that I waited for someone else to say it (wimp). I have experienced this type of relationship first-hand. It is a one-way road to emotional exhaustion and possible breakdown.
There is indeed a personality type that is, as Suz points out, "unintentionally targetted" by this type of person (your partner). We tend to be caring, nurturing types, who will carry all the emotional weight of the relationship on our own shoulders, hoping that our love will make the other person secure and happy. However, after a time we must recognize that the way they treat us is not circumstantial, but simply the way they are. They cannot change, and see no need to. In psychological terms, they are said to have personality issues, or even personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcississtic Personality Disorder. Google these terms and you may see an eerily familiar pacture.
The abusive individuals themselves do not see themselves as in need of help. They feel the problem (if they admit there is one) is with everybody else. However, it is they themselves who often cannot hold onto relationships, jobs, or residences - or who have frequent angry or abusive outbursts, or engage in subtle undermining of their partner's security, safety or self-esteem.
Not a pretty picture, unfortunately. And the insideous thing is that it can leave us exhausted and even depressed, as we constantly try to "make things right again". So, as Suz says, it's important for the VICTIM to get counselling, which will address present issues as well as self-esteem matters that may lead one into repeated relationships with such partners.
Because, yepp, megryan, you are a victim - and it's admirable that you want to make the best of things and not whine, and make your partner and his son happy - but it's too much, and you will soon be threatening the well-being of your new child. You've taken a good first step by telling this forum about it - and I hope you will soon take the next step of getting professional advice.
It's a big challenge - I've been there! - so please keep in touch and tell us how things are! Although Suz and I see it the way we do and hope you get yourself some help, no one will be critical of how fast you do it - because we know it's a hard spot you're in.
Take care,
~Wendy
My dh goes to the doctor's with me, but i feel like he is totally unsupportive......I have been sick as a dog, and have slept in the bathroom several nights, only to be told go to bed you are blocking the bathroom (we only have one for our use).....
When I have had to stay home from work because the sickness has been so bad, he took off with his mother for hours at a time, leaving his cell phone at home, so that I had no one to look in if i got worse, and the doctor had said at the appointment to come in if i was having cramping or other problems, yet he left me with no car and no way to get ahold of him....
then yesterday i was sick with fever and he says all you do is sleep and lay around.....then had his mother start in withthe same lines....I hate being double teamed by him....
His ex and him have two kids but they are both adult age now, so it has been nearly 20 years since he had a pregnant wife.....but it frustrates me taht he has a lack of compassion....
to make my story short I sympathize.....I really do.....
When I have had to stay home from work because the sickness has been so bad, he took off with his mother for hours at a time, leaving his cell phone at home, so that I had no one to look in if i got worse, and the doctor had said at the appointment to come in if i was having cramping or other problems, yet he left me with no car and no way to get ahold of him....
then yesterday i was sick with fever and he says all you do is sleep and lay around.....then had his mother start in withthe same lines....I hate being double teamed by him....
His ex and him have two kids but they are both adult age now, so it has been nearly 20 years since he had a pregnant wife.....but it frustrates me taht he has a lack of compassion....
to make my story short I sympathize.....I really do.....
Yep- I agree with all teh above.
Actions do speak louder than words- so we'll see st the sonogram.
yesterday- he brought em a card and some candy for Sweetest Day. Card said that he will try and be more there for me. We'll see if that happens ... :) Thanks everyone. No one was harsh on me at all. :) I appreciate it.
Actions do speak louder than words- so we'll see st the sonogram.
yesterday- he brought em a card and some candy for Sweetest Day. Card said that he will try and be more there for me. We'll see if that happens ... :) Thanks everyone. No one was harsh on me at all. :) I appreciate it.
My dear lady, first off I'll warn you that you are going to hate my response and many on here may well too. When I was doing palliative care one of my senior co-workers was very hard on one of our clients. I was inexperienced and young at the time and just didn't get it so when she and I were alone I asked her why she was so mean about it. She said she couldn't help the client in their situation by being caring, she could only really help them with blunt honesty. This is what I'm going to give you but please understand that I'm doing it because I DO care, very much in fact.
First off, you aren't really asking help because your spouse is unsupportive. You are asking for help because he is extremely self motivated and using emotional abuse to try and control your thoughts and actions. The behaviors you are describing are not examples of cold feet, but a form of abuse. I'm guessing the signs were always there but in a milder form because when you weren't pregnant you could basically do what it was he wanted. I bet he treats you just fine when he is getting what he wants. Sometimes these guys will even treat you like a princess when they get things their way. The reasons I feel you are in an abusive situation are:
One: his comments about the baby and you are demeaning and highly insecure.
Two: he wants you to partake in activities that are potentially harmful to you and your baby simply because they suit his needs.
Three: he is already resorting to withholding cash to get his way.
Four: showing lack of interest in what you say and in your physical and emotional needs.
Five: your description of your first relationship suggests a pattern.
Six: his comments about you cheating on him or leaving him fit right in with the underlying insecurities that these men seem to have.
And yes, I bet you do treat him and his teenage son very well indeed because I would guess that you are a highly nurturing, giving person. Men like this unintentionally are drawn to women like that because they have such high demands and because more self-oriented women walk out on these guys with the first warning signs. The highly nurturing women make excuses for them, often feel sorry for them and want to protect them and care for them.
I SERIOUSLY hope that I am wrong in what I am saying and perhaps your post doesn't accurately describe the situation. But I'll say this, if I am right sweetie, it isn't just him that needs counselling (which won't even help him unless he sees the problem with himself and wants to fix it), but you should get some counselling too. Women in mentally abusive relationships are slowly beat down over time and start thinking they deserve it, or they are too needy or demanding because they want things differently and their self confidence and emotional well being degrades. This is partly why it becomes so difficult for them to fix it or leave. ESPECIALLY if they have no closeby familial support sytem. Also keep in mind, if he is the kind of guy that is only treating you well when things go his way, that it will be harder for him to control a youngster that needs loving guidance. Children who are emotionally demeaned by their parents suffer greatly. Do you think he will do this to your child? I'm sorry if I sound extreme here but those warning bells are going off like crazy in me. Ruby was dead right when she said you can't change him. We can only change ourselves. You ARE needy, Meg. But what you are needing is to be treated with basic respect and you are SUPPOSED to need that, and you are entitled to it. It's perfectly acceptable for you to feel needy at times. I hope with all my heart that things work out well for all of you.
Suz
First off, you aren't really asking help because your spouse is unsupportive. You are asking for help because he is extremely self motivated and using emotional abuse to try and control your thoughts and actions. The behaviors you are describing are not examples of cold feet, but a form of abuse. I'm guessing the signs were always there but in a milder form because when you weren't pregnant you could basically do what it was he wanted. I bet he treats you just fine when he is getting what he wants. Sometimes these guys will even treat you like a princess when they get things their way. The reasons I feel you are in an abusive situation are:
One: his comments about the baby and you are demeaning and highly insecure.
Two: he wants you to partake in activities that are potentially harmful to you and your baby simply because they suit his needs.
Three: he is already resorting to withholding cash to get his way.
Four: showing lack of interest in what you say and in your physical and emotional needs.
Five: your description of your first relationship suggests a pattern.
Six: his comments about you cheating on him or leaving him fit right in with the underlying insecurities that these men seem to have.
And yes, I bet you do treat him and his teenage son very well indeed because I would guess that you are a highly nurturing, giving person. Men like this unintentionally are drawn to women like that because they have such high demands and because more self-oriented women walk out on these guys with the first warning signs. The highly nurturing women make excuses for them, often feel sorry for them and want to protect them and care for them.
I SERIOUSLY hope that I am wrong in what I am saying and perhaps your post doesn't accurately describe the situation. But I'll say this, if I am right sweetie, it isn't just him that needs counselling (which won't even help him unless he sees the problem with himself and wants to fix it), but you should get some counselling too. Women in mentally abusive relationships are slowly beat down over time and start thinking they deserve it, or they are too needy or demanding because they want things differently and their self confidence and emotional well being degrades. This is partly why it becomes so difficult for them to fix it or leave. ESPECIALLY if they have no closeby familial support sytem. Also keep in mind, if he is the kind of guy that is only treating you well when things go his way, that it will be harder for him to control a youngster that needs loving guidance. Children who are emotionally demeaned by their parents suffer greatly. Do you think he will do this to your child? I'm sorry if I sound extreme here but those warning bells are going off like crazy in me. Ruby was dead right when she said you can't change him. We can only change ourselves. You ARE needy, Meg. But what you are needing is to be treated with basic respect and you are SUPPOSED to need that, and you are entitled to it. It's perfectly acceptable for you to feel needy at times. I hope with all my heart that things work out well for all of you.
Suz
"Immature" is the word that immediately sprang to mind as I read your description of your partner, as you said yourself. I am sorry for what you are going through. I think we all experience those moments where our partner seems really unsupportive or selfish or immature-- nobody is perfect. But if he is acting this way most of the time or all the time, that is really unfair to you to say the least. I hope you don't mind my giving you a blunt opinion, and please know that my intentions are truly for your best interests based on everything you're saying about this guy.
We cannot change men-- it's impossible. I watched my mom try for 30 years before finally giving up, and I dunno about you, but I am determined not to ever let that be me. It does not matter what a person says, it matters how their actions back up their deeds. Our grandmothers really were right when they said "Actions speak louder than words"-- so try to set aside whatever he's saying and watch closely what he does over the weeks and months ahead. His own actions should determine his own fate as far as whether or not he *gets* to be a part of your life and the baby's life.
It sounds like you already know this as well, because your ex was so unsupportive during your other pregnancies, and you're no longer with him anymore. The best thing you can do is put yourself and your baby first. You are right to think about hiring a doula and doing those things for yourself to make certain that you have the support that you need.
This man will either come around, or he won't. You are communicating to him what you need and want from him. He really should step up, but it's up to him. Maybe at the sonogram, he will "turn the corner" if he sees the baby and it all becomes more real to him. But if he does not, then you have some tough decisions to make.
YOU choose whether or not to keep this man in your life, and where to draw the line. As Courtcoop said, until he has crossed that line with you for good, you need to shield yourself from him emotionally and steer clear of all of his negative ****. Most of all, if he isn't ready, willing and able to be a good father, then you have a decision to make for yourself and your new baby. Only you get to choose how many chances or opportunities this man gets to do the right thing, but ultimately, doing the right thing is not optional for him. It might be different if it were just you, deciding whether to be with him or not. But now you are deciding for yourself and your baby.
I wish you the very best. I really hope he steps up. These choices are tough to make, but when I have had to make them in past relationships, even if they were extremely hard, I never regretted putting my well-being first, and I sure as heck wouldn't hesitate now. I absolutely adore my husband but if he wasn't bringing his A game for me right now, he would be on thin, thin ice.
We cannot change men-- it's impossible. I watched my mom try for 30 years before finally giving up, and I dunno about you, but I am determined not to ever let that be me. It does not matter what a person says, it matters how their actions back up their deeds. Our grandmothers really were right when they said "Actions speak louder than words"-- so try to set aside whatever he's saying and watch closely what he does over the weeks and months ahead. His own actions should determine his own fate as far as whether or not he *gets* to be a part of your life and the baby's life.
It sounds like you already know this as well, because your ex was so unsupportive during your other pregnancies, and you're no longer with him anymore. The best thing you can do is put yourself and your baby first. You are right to think about hiring a doula and doing those things for yourself to make certain that you have the support that you need.
This man will either come around, or he won't. You are communicating to him what you need and want from him. He really should step up, but it's up to him. Maybe at the sonogram, he will "turn the corner" if he sees the baby and it all becomes more real to him. But if he does not, then you have some tough decisions to make.
YOU choose whether or not to keep this man in your life, and where to draw the line. As Courtcoop said, until he has crossed that line with you for good, you need to shield yourself from him emotionally and steer clear of all of his negative ****. Most of all, if he isn't ready, willing and able to be a good father, then you have a decision to make for yourself and your new baby. Only you get to choose how many chances or opportunities this man gets to do the right thing, but ultimately, doing the right thing is not optional for him. It might be different if it were just you, deciding whether to be with him or not. But now you are deciding for yourself and your baby.
I wish you the very best. I really hope he steps up. These choices are tough to make, but when I have had to make them in past relationships, even if they were extremely hard, I never regretted putting my well-being first, and I sure as heck wouldn't hesitate now. I absolutely adore my husband but if he wasn't bringing his A game for me right now, he would be on thin, thin ice.
Hi Meg,
Sorry to hear about no support...that just plain *****. i want to slap these men whom act so non-commital. I agree with Adgal about detachment....perhaps it will change when he actually is with you during a sono? And to ask you to do things you cannot/should not do, seems like he is not ready to let go of the "fast pase fun times pre-baby". It is not his decision to "give up the baby if there is a physical issues" (aka as he says "retarded"...that is a derogatory word to use...hate it) I seriously hope things change and you may have to give him some room and stay away form all the negative back lash...not good for you emotionally nor physically. Seems like he was happy when it was not "here" yet (BFP) and when it did, bang. Also, could be hearing /listening to relatives/firends, etc
We just found out fro DP's mom that she is not supportive as well.
Since he was married in Germany, they can only officially file until a year after last date lived together (even if divorce paper and settlement is done). So, he has to wait another 6 months b4 divorce is accepted in Germny, so his mom felt he should have "closed that door first" and does not want t speak about the child nor to him (he just told her 3 days ago).
Congrats on the little one....it's all about you and the baby right now and that is all that matters...men may come and go and takes a lot to be a father vs. a dad.
Sorry to hear about no support...that just plain *****. i want to slap these men whom act so non-commital. I agree with Adgal about detachment....perhaps it will change when he actually is with you during a sono? And to ask you to do things you cannot/should not do, seems like he is not ready to let go of the "fast pase fun times pre-baby". It is not his decision to "give up the baby if there is a physical issues" (aka as he says "retarded"...that is a derogatory word to use...hate it) I seriously hope things change and you may have to give him some room and stay away form all the negative back lash...not good for you emotionally nor physically. Seems like he was happy when it was not "here" yet (BFP) and when it did, bang. Also, could be hearing /listening to relatives/firends, etc
We just found out fro DP's mom that she is not supportive as well.
Since he was married in Germany, they can only officially file until a year after last date lived together (even if divorce paper and settlement is done). So, he has to wait another 6 months b4 divorce is accepted in Germny, so his mom felt he should have "closed that door first" and does not want t speak about the child nor to him (he just told her 3 days ago).
Congrats on the little one....it's all about you and the baby right now and that is all that matters...men may come and go and takes a lot to be a father vs. a dad.
Aww, your not being needy at all. We all need our husbands to support us just as we support them. I know what you mean, my husband is also my best friend and it's really hard when he doesn't seem excited about something that is so incredibly important to me. I thought of something I did once when I felt we weren't communicating well. I started writing down my feelings, almost in a letter to him. I find that when something is bothering or hurting me, I have a hard time communicating verbally..I get too emotional. So I wrote it all down. How I felt, how I was seeing things, and how important he was to me. Maybe it could help you too. Vent anytime. God knows I have done it here on many occasions and I am always amazed and the support and encouragement I have received. This is and should continue to be, a safe place to let it out. XOXO
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