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Avatar universal

Anyone else feeling NOT supported by spouse, partner, bf, etc?

I've not been feeling supported through my entire pregnancy. Yes, we wanted a baby- took two years and have lost 3 babies ... (sorry this is long.)

Not only does he just keep quiet- but when he does talk about the baby/pregnancy- it is all negative.  These are things like: I am not the baby's daddy, who are you cheating with, our kid is going to be retarded, your plan is to get this baby and then leave me ... He has said he does it to make me mad and will stop, but he continues to say a few of the things.

Last night, I told him how I was feeling- not supported. I told him that when I don't feel well (as last night I vomited) it would be nice if he would offer to do something ... rather than just tell me how I have gone through this before- I should be used to it. He said he does- I asked him what he does to make me feel supported. He says he likes to cuddle with me a few minutes in bed each morning. That's nice and appreciated- but maybe you could ask me sometimes if there is something I need- that you could do for me. He rolls over and goes to sleep at that point- mumbles hold me.

He also tries to talk me into doing things that I CAN NOT/should not do now that I am preggo- like take a motorcycle ride on his racing bike. (These can be 5 hr rides sometimes.) OR play a sport  that I used to play (which is a total guy sport and extremely rough.) And so I go and watch him. OR lift heavy equipment for his "business." He actually "docked" my pay (got half) because of this- and not doing a few other things.

He has not been to any appts with me ... but says wants to go on my next- sonogram. (He had even forgotten about it.) So I told him that I really would love him there- to be happy for us and supportive. BUT if he is going to NOT support me- and NOT be happy and bring up all this negative stuff- then I would rather he stay home.

I have children with me ex and I was always alone in everything. My honeymoon night- he feel alseep and slept all night (hangover.)  All the births of my babies- alone and done naturally. He never got up at night- although he was not working and I was very sick- almost died. He never changed a diaper. (And I had to use cloth and with a broken arm.) So I was really hoping that this would be different. He knows all this.

I would like to think that he will come around. I leave my baby books out. I try to include him in everything- but he doesn't even listen/remember.

And yes, I do tons for him and his teenager. It just really hurts me.

Thanks for all the support I get here.  Any help/suggestions appreciated. :)



30 Responses
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1006003 tn?1256227415
Yes indeed! Ruby says it well. Don't worry about sounding bitchy, because you are sooo obviously NOT a *****. Glad you are setting boundaries. Sounds as if you have all the right ideas.

It took me four years to finally see the light about my own "former friend". It's a tough road, because they use your own best characteristics against you. They don't "mean to be mean" - it's just so natural, they are mean without intention. He used to say of himself , "I don't have a mean bone in my body!" That was how he saw himself, and quite naturally, because he never actually formed PLANS to hurt someone. Unfortunately, this left him confused as to why he had no friends - but he didn't mind too much - just went right ahead and made new ones with immediate claims of "bonding" and being "soul-twins", and that kind of thing.

Sorry to go on about my own experience, but I've found that there is a broad streak of similarity in folks like this, and I found it comforting to read others' accounts when I was trying to sort out my own situation.

Keep us posted on how it's going for you!
~Wendy
Helpful - 0
951946 tn?1263565383
I have the same tendency to stay too long and to give too many chances, which is why I really empathize with you.

*In fact- as soon as I feel those hearstrings being pulled with something he is saying- THAT IS NOW MY BULL$hit meter.

YES! You're getting it. Talk is cheap. It has to be all about his actions now. I have one friend who would do shameless things after he had screwed up-- like bring home a puppy. So it can't just be any cheap ploy to get back in your good graces. He needs to show some real character, and now.

* I just really am thinking what is the best thing for the baby and I.

Excellent!

* I am unvoluntarily alone all the time- so I might as well be voluntarily alone- by MY choice.

I am really sorry that you are feeling so alone right now. You have this forum and hopefully at least one confidante in real life that you can call upon. It is good that you are seeing the situation with clear eyes, for what it is. Good for you!

* Sorry if this comes of in a BIOTCHY way. I don't really know the proper/etiiquette way to handle these situations- and I just don't care anymore.

Please don't worry about being b*tchy, because that just isn't the case here. You are simply developing some new and healthy boundaries-- and to those of us who are used to being uber-accomodating, it *feels* like bitchiness, but it is actually the opposite!

Learning to love and care for yourself and your baby is where you will find your real integrity, and the right things to do and say will naturally flow from that loving place.

People who don't measure up, can just be "sent on their way"-- no hard feelings needed, they just don't cut it and it's not up to you to tolerate them.

Unfortunately this is something that has to become a new lifetime habit, not just something that we do when we're being walked on. It's a challenge but the reward you get in return is that you can look yourself in the eye and know that you have integrity and self-respect.

Best of luck luv!!

I also want to recommend a funny book full of great advice, that has an unfortunate title. It's called "Why Men Love B*tches". Again-- it really is NOT about being a b*tch, it's about setting boundaries and letting the chips fall where they may. :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ruby,

I know you are right. I tend to see the best in people- and am nuturing and kind. BUT- three strikes and you are outta my life- unfortunately- I know I give my partner more chances than he really deserves. (Which I did in my 15 plus yr marriage too.) My partner now- I met when I was 16. he was my first serious relationship. LONG STORY!

He still has not "talked" with his mother. So when he called me today- to find out about the sonogram (which I have been sooo looking forward to and counting down to- which I guess paid off- he actually remembered what day.) Anyhow- he asked me if I still wanted him to go. I told him that since he never supports me in time of crisis or when I really need him- or if he says he WILL do for me- he bails on me at the last minute- or BRINGS ME DOWN- he could just stay home. I am used to doing it alone- and so I am just going to say NO when he offers anything to me- as he never comes through on my birthday- (which he forgot) or whatver promises. In fact- as soon as I feel those hearstrings being pulled with something he is saying- THAT IS NOW MY BULL$hit meter. And evidence of that lack of support is this past funeral fiasco- and lack of talking with his mother ... not to mention the lack of support I got with my miscarriages- a whole NOTHER can of beans. So I don't want someone there just for the fun stuff. MY EX was like that- he hated my work- was very NON SUPPORTIVE- but as soon as it came time for FUN stuff thru work- he was there with his hand out. (Which I DID stop even inviting him to.) ANYHOW- although I do want him to be part of this baby's life- he is gonna need to prove it and prove it in a big way to me. (He has been to one appt THROUGH all these problems with me/babies.) AND THAT one I HAD to walk to with a temp of 102 degrees three miles away. (Sorry for the SOB story- balalala.) By leaving him at home- I guess I am disconnecting myself from him emotionally. And I want him to be there more than anything and to be supported- it is so hard. I just really am thinking what is the best thing for the baby and I. I am unvoluntarily alone all the time- so I might as well be voluntarily alone- by MY choice.

As far as the mother- I am done dealing with her. Probably his sibling too- but we don't really talk- actually they (sib and fiance') talked more with the "woman" than with me at the funeral. And the funny thing is that although my ex hubby could do some awful stuff- his family was very supportive. I was very close with his brother- and could have talked with him about this stuff- and probably would have had to keep him from telling his mother- and this woman off right at the funeral. But you know- my former MIL had way more class than doing something like that too.

Sorry if this comes of in a BIOTCHY way. I don't really know the proper/etiiquette way to handle these situations- and I just don't care anymore. I just want what is best for me and the baby. I really am so thankful for the support I get here.
Helpful - 0
951946 tn?1263565383
Meg, I am really sorry for what you are going through. This man and his mother-- both are quite a piece of work. It's clear where he gets his abusive behaviour from, though that hardly excuses any of it.

I wish for you that you would find distance from these people, at least on an emotional level, so that you are no longer in harm's way. And what kind of a partner is a man from whom you must distance and protect yourself emotionally? How can trust grow in such a situation? At best, he is very weak, at worst, he is quite simply not a good or kind person.  You are the key to change in this situation-- NOT them. It is very unlikely that he or his mother will change. You are not a victim here, unless you choose to remain so. Please take care of yourself.  

I won't say any more because I don't want to come across as judgmental, or worse yet, project my own experiences of similar situations onto you. All I can say is that ultimately, the only thing that ever worked for me was to make a decision to no longer allow cruel people ANY access to me, my life or my loved ones.

I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best for you!
Helpful - 0
1006003 tn?1256227415
Hi Meg,

You are certainly taking the right course in setting limits to how much hurtful behavior you are exposed to, and from how many people. I believe that's the usual professional advice, too - set your own limits, because, sadly, these people won't set any limits of their own. I'm glad you have resolve - it's the only way to protect yourself.

It's also a common pattern that folks like this don't "walk their talk". It is their actions that speak for them, and not their words - and the same goes for all of us, of course. Unfortunately, often with people like this, their words don't match their actions.

Keep your resolve and stay in touch! We're rooting for you. Devote yourself to taking care of your well-being, and your baby's.

Hugs,
~Wendy
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wendy-

Thanks so much for the response. I am done doing family functions and trying to limit my contact with her completely.

I think you are right about the teaming up- I think he may have even known. But he knew I would not want to go and be subject to that.

Since I can already see BOTH of these women in the waiting room after I give birth- I am _ if I make it that far- going to leave the hospital with strict instructions that HE is the only one allowed to be in my room at any time- and no info given out. I already had two miscarriages leading up to this pregnancy- Dr says extreme stress ... (during above scenarios).

I am limiting my contact with her- and people like her. No more going to her home or to others for family functions- just telling people that I choose not to be around certain people whose deliberate hurtful attitude toward me is unacceptable and hurtful to my health.

I actually do feel a bit of resolve in the situation- because I know that I tried and continually tried to work on things- and was just continually backstabbed. I see this last thing as on PURPOSE because when we went thru the photos- infidelity and keeping some people OUT of the photos was mentioned numerous times- and I was very thoughtful in putting it together. She could have at least given me a warning. So no more taking care of her lawn. house. snow removal- picking her up/off etc. (Yes- she is able bodied- works FT.) I won't even be going to graduations- I can put up with the mother- but especially not when she invites the ex gf (cheater) with no warning. I don't even want to discuss her with my fiance'. I don't care how that sounds- it is for my own piece of mind and health.

My partner has now said he wanted to say something when they were talking about more children- and he feels bad. I just feel like a LITTLE LESS TALK a LOT MORE ACTION. Balalalaa. He also says he is going to say something to his mother- but I know that is just a line to pacify me.
Helpful - 0
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