Ashamed not happy - why?

[helloladies]

45 with one 5 year old darling daughter. I've been pg 2x since my daughter - of course when not trying! Lost both. Before daughter I had cancer and froze eggs/sperm just in case. After 2 years cancer treatments I waited 5 years to be sure I was 100 % clear of cancer to try for a baby. Nope, no luck. Went to IVF (didn't use frozen eggs just did fresh IVF cycles) nothing. Stopped trying. Got pg. 3 X all miscarriages. At the same time, I'm restarting my career (long story) and I'm struggling with finances but not for long! Yet everyday I ask myself why I'm ashamed of having miscarriages and I'm ashamed of having to leave my career (even though it was the right thing to do, due to my only daughter having a terrible health scare - she's fine now). Why do I feel vulnerable and out of place, like I've failed? Like I hate my body - even if it's pretty!  It's a failure! Everyone else in my family has loads of money, can crap out babies like no tomorrow, out of 10 cousins not 1 seems to have pg issues. They are all very vocal about it when they are pg. everyone knows! I'm the opposite.  I'm not one to share intimate things or reveal my pg. losses with anyone, I'm just bad at it because I've always been a "role model" and now I've unraveled into who knows what. They do know I've had at least 2 miscarriages (1 at 20 wks 1 at 16 wks) but no one ever offered any kind of condolences. In fact if anything I was given "pep talks" and told I'd get a baby just put it behind me, and try again. Easy for them to say. It's hurtful and makes me wonder why only successful pregnancies are considered human life? But I come from a matriarch where it seems children are commodities. Women lead and make the decisions men take a back burner and tend to obey!  More babies = more power to rule. The more command they take in running the home "perfectly" whilst making $ in a career the higher the social status! Their is fierce competitiveness even if it's not openly admitted. Sometimes I want to show them all my perfect ultrasounds and tell them my babies were real and actually human! I feel like people with normal bodies and perfect lives just don't care. My cousins don't seem to. Is it because I'm too old (I am the oldest grandchild and was always a family leader) and they don't want to associate with someone who had failure or hardship because it might be contagious? I don't like pity but I would appreciate empathy. I never say it yet I grit my teeth to hold back the anguish. I have never shown my tears or frustration. Even as I sit through expensive baby shower after expensive baby shower listening to all of them blab on about things that they consider problems but I see as hiccups.  I have never once taken $ anything from any of them, and I only admitted to my pregnancies when pressured. I guess It's me? I'm too tough? I won't gossip? I don't jump for joy enough? No one could ever do a damn thing for me thus far so they gave up trying and figure I'll get through it? I dread the family get together this summer. In the meantime I don't want DH to worry over me. I dislike questions I don't have the answer to. Yet on here it's different. Bottom line is I'm on here to get over myself and to feel less alone.  Suddenly now I'm 1 month late on my pd. and ashamed to be pg. and terrified if I am. I won't check yet it's too painful to even find out. BTW - no I'm not depressed! I get up same time each morning and keep my *** moving till bed. If down I snap myself out of it with exercise! Thanks for listening to me. God Bless everyone on here. Having a baby inside is something that shows us how very powerful our creator is. But please remember ladies, so many children deserve love and don't get it! So please, If you cannot bring your own biological child to earth, don't feel hopeless. That is only your ego talking and you gotta let it go. Loving a child is the same whether it's biological or through adoption. They will always love you back! Thanks again for listening!

[wales12]

Hi, I think when you have experienced this kind of loss you're always going to be hard on yourself. I lost my baby boy at 29wks, when I became pregnant again I found out my daughter would be born with Down's Syndrome. She is nearly 4 and is the love of my life. I can't pretend life is easy, she has some health concerns and picks up illnesses and bugs easily because her immune system isn't great. I'm constantly tired but the desire for another child is still there. I actually think I maybe pregnant now but haven't tested. I have a 50 50 split amongst friends and family, some say I'm too old and couldn't cope, others say just do it. I'm frightened if I am but the thought of not being pregnant again is quite sad. The pressure we put on ourselves is staggering, there isn't a day that I don't think about my baby boy, I blame myself for not knowing there was something wrong and I feel I let him down. I also felt guilty about my daughter but now concentrate on being the best Mummy to her that I can.
Being a Mother is the hardest job around, I was a children's Nanny for 20yrs before and nothing, but nothing prepared me for the role of a parent. It's something I feel very very grateful to have experienced, and for all the tough times I would do it all over again. To feel the way I do when I cuddle my daughter and when she says "Mama", there is no feeling in the world like it. I'm sorry if I've gone off the subject, but I really want to say to you is, try not to compare yourself to other family members, you sound like a strong person considering all the problems you've been through. I don't think your depressed but maybe you have lost confidence in yourself? I think a lot of mother's do because we put pressure on ourselves and the world puts pressure on to get everything right and perfect. My world is absolutely fine as long as I've got my little girl with me, I think she gives me the confidence to try again for another baby. I wish you peace and happiness x

[Godisfaithful]

I am so sorry for your losses. I have never experienced miscarriages, but I understand struggles. I know if you depend on & trust Jesus, He will bring you through ANYTHING. Even the feelings of shame. He continues to be here for me everyday of my life. I have prayed for you & your family. Be blessed.

[udbe2]

I know how you are feeling. It has taken me 21 years and 8 miscarriages to have one.  I didn't even want to tell my mom I was pregnant with this one on her birthday when I found out because of my past miscarriages.  I wouldn't be ashamed of the past miscarriages though, if I was you and I was a month late I would be checking to see if I was pregnant.  

I am sorry to hear of your prior loss, especially when you were so far along.  I can't even imagine how you felt since all of mine were very early losses.