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Should I go back to work or stay home?
Okay, I know I might be opening a can of worms here, but I want some opinions...
My dh and I are TTC and just had a short discussion(we didn't get to finish) about whether I should/or want to go back to work if we are blessed with another baby. Lately, I have NOT been wanting to work and been "day dreaming" about not having to do so. I currently work full time(and have a home based business I do VERY part time, but make pretty darn good $) and really do like(and sometimes love) my full time job, the company, my boss, etc.
With my first child(she's now, 9), I did stay home for the first year and really struggled with it. I ended up going back to work and have been okay with it since. Although deep down, felt a bit guilty. My daughter would say things like, "you're always on the computer, you're always on the phone, you always work"(I can work from home some of time, currently) Which isn't really true, but that's what she sees. She went to day care and now goes to "after care" after school and day camps during the summer. She has adjusted fairly well and I've been able to be succesful. I've had the flexibility to go to her events, doctors appt, pick her up early, anything like that, I would be there for it.
WELL, now that we are trying for baby #2 I have been thinking, "should I stay home"?. I think I could handle it better this time around.
Today, my boss, approached me with a management opportunity (if our company merges with another). I would have less flexibility and much more responsiblity(obviously) and more $. It truly would be a great opportunity.
Honestly, I don't know what I WANT to do. Staying home, scares me, somewhat, because I didn't like it 9 years ago but I think if I'm blessed with another baby, my family should be my focus not a job that I REALLY don't NEED. We certainly enjoy the extra income, but when I really look at it, we don't have to have it.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
My dh and I are TTC and just had a short discussion(we didn't get to finish) about whether I should/or want to go back to work if we are blessed with another baby. Lately, I have NOT been wanting to work and been "day dreaming" about not having to do so. I currently work full time(and have a home based business I do VERY part time, but make pretty darn good $) and really do like(and sometimes love) my full time job, the company, my boss, etc.
With my first child(she's now, 9), I did stay home for the first year and really struggled with it. I ended up going back to work and have been okay with it since. Although deep down, felt a bit guilty. My daughter would say things like, "you're always on the computer, you're always on the phone, you always work"(I can work from home some of time, currently) Which isn't really true, but that's what she sees. She went to day care and now goes to "after care" after school and day camps during the summer. She has adjusted fairly well and I've been able to be succesful. I've had the flexibility to go to her events, doctors appt, pick her up early, anything like that, I would be there for it.
WELL, now that we are trying for baby #2 I have been thinking, "should I stay home"?. I think I could handle it better this time around.
Today, my boss, approached me with a management opportunity (if our company merges with another). I would have less flexibility and much more responsiblity(obviously) and more $. It truly would be a great opportunity.
Honestly, I don't know what I WANT to do. Staying home, scares me, somewhat, because I didn't like it 9 years ago but I think if I'm blessed with another baby, my family should be my focus not a job that I REALLY don't NEED. We certainly enjoy the extra income, but when I really look at it, we don't have to have it.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
You are definitely not misleading anyone by taking a new role. Who knows what might happen in the future. Heaps of people only stay in roles 1 year 18 months anyway or get sick or headhunted or decide to travel. Employers realise people have lives (hopefully) and that things change.
I work part-time and it is the best of both worlds. I am still on the senior team in my company and have a team of 15. Good employers are flexible. I have done this since my son was 1 year old and while it is hard work (esp. at the start when I was still breastfeeding) I love it. Other mothers will judge you a little no matter what your decision is.
I hope it turns out to be a dilema you are facing sooner rather than later.
I work part-time and it is the best of both worlds. I am still on the senior team in my company and have a team of 15. Good employers are flexible. I have done this since my son was 1 year old and while it is hard work (esp. at the start when I was still breastfeeding) I love it. Other mothers will judge you a little no matter what your decision is.
I hope it turns out to be a dilema you are facing sooner rather than later.
You are so right about everything you said! I think so many women get "lost" in that stay-at-home-mom role and forget that they were a smart woman, with needs of their own, before becoming mothers. It's so important to feed that sense of "self", even if your current life revolves around being home for your children.
I agree about the teen years...I've heard women say, "Oh, I want to be home for the first five years, then I'll go back to work. My baby needs me." Those women haven't had pre-teens/teens yet. If I could choose five years to stay at home with my child, it would be from 11-16 or somewhere around there! Those years are SO important, and your kids need even MORE parental supervision!
Tricia
I agree about the teen years...I've heard women say, "Oh, I want to be home for the first five years, then I'll go back to work. My baby needs me." Those women haven't had pre-teens/teens yet. If I could choose five years to stay at home with my child, it would be from 11-16 or somewhere around there! Those years are SO important, and your kids need even MORE parental supervision!
Tricia
Barb,
Oh I have so many things to say!
I don't think it would be at all misleading for you to take the management role now regardless of what you plan to do when you have a child. You aren't pregnant yet and it could take a bit of time so if you want that position go for it! You can only make that decision based on today's situation and today you are free to take that job guilt free.
As for staying home, I think you'll know what's best for you all when you are on mat leave and will find the decision easier then. I think Moms can do great jobs whether they work or not but I'll give you some advice if you decide to stay home... I stayed home with my 3 children for ten years! but I had to take some active steps so I didn't feel cooped up and depressed because I saw so many others really want to stay home but struggle so badly. First off, I did volunteer work so that I could be just "me" sometimes. The beauty of it being volunteer work was that I could choose times to work that suited my family and be home when I was needed and it was really positive for my sense of self. I also got drop in tickets for aquasize classes so I could go with my g/f when it suited me and have some social adult time. I also wanted my kids not to be deprived of socializing so I registered us in baby swim classes and as they got older, playschool and community classes so they had lots of opportunity to be with other children and get used to the idea of being away from Mommy a bit before they started school. It worked well for us, because I was always there to make us regular meals and give them the time they (and I) needed and I never missed any important milestone... first steps etc and I never felt the guilt of having to go to work when my kids were ill or just really needed me. We didn't have alot of spare money but we found that we could do without alot of things very comfortably if we were careful and lived within our means.
For those Moms who simply couldn't stay home with earlier children but can with their babies now and would like to.... I don't think your older children will be jealous if you explain to them that you wished you could do it before too and you are glad you can be home for them now. The time you spend home with the new baby is also time you are home for your older kids. Just make sure they benefit from it too. I'm taking some time home right now and I have older teens. They are loving it!
Whether you decide to stay home or work the important thing is that you do what is best for you and your family and be proud of your choice. Tune out that peer pressure! What other people think simply doesn't matter. People seem to judge no matter what you decide. That's their problem, not yours.
Best wishes!
Suzanne
Oh I have so many things to say!
I don't think it would be at all misleading for you to take the management role now regardless of what you plan to do when you have a child. You aren't pregnant yet and it could take a bit of time so if you want that position go for it! You can only make that decision based on today's situation and today you are free to take that job guilt free.
As for staying home, I think you'll know what's best for you all when you are on mat leave and will find the decision easier then. I think Moms can do great jobs whether they work or not but I'll give you some advice if you decide to stay home... I stayed home with my 3 children for ten years! but I had to take some active steps so I didn't feel cooped up and depressed because I saw so many others really want to stay home but struggle so badly. First off, I did volunteer work so that I could be just "me" sometimes. The beauty of it being volunteer work was that I could choose times to work that suited my family and be home when I was needed and it was really positive for my sense of self. I also got drop in tickets for aquasize classes so I could go with my g/f when it suited me and have some social adult time. I also wanted my kids not to be deprived of socializing so I registered us in baby swim classes and as they got older, playschool and community classes so they had lots of opportunity to be with other children and get used to the idea of being away from Mommy a bit before they started school. It worked well for us, because I was always there to make us regular meals and give them the time they (and I) needed and I never missed any important milestone... first steps etc and I never felt the guilt of having to go to work when my kids were ill or just really needed me. We didn't have alot of spare money but we found that we could do without alot of things very comfortably if we were careful and lived within our means.
For those Moms who simply couldn't stay home with earlier children but can with their babies now and would like to.... I don't think your older children will be jealous if you explain to them that you wished you could do it before too and you are glad you can be home for them now. The time you spend home with the new baby is also time you are home for your older kids. Just make sure they benefit from it too. I'm taking some time home right now and I have older teens. They are loving it!
Whether you decide to stay home or work the important thing is that you do what is best for you and your family and be proud of your choice. Tune out that peer pressure! What other people think simply doesn't matter. People seem to judge no matter what you decide. That's their problem, not yours.
Best wishes!
Suzanne
I agree, Savanha, all great replies and great insight to think about. I agree with you, if I am blessed with another baby, shouldn't I WANT to stay home and not give it a second thought? I am so torn on this.
My dh was gone this weekend (on a dad/daughter camp out...how fun!) and I didn't get to talk to him about it much. He wants me to make my pro/con list, really consider all options, then let him know what I've decided (then he'll "weigh in"). I KNOW he doesn't want me to do it (take the management role or go to work after the baby), as he is all for me staying home, if we have another baby. He just doesn't have the same priorities with money and material stuff as he used to and knows we can do it without my income. I don't have the same priorities as I used to either, but I just don't want to be so tight that I can't go have coffee with friends sometime because we're so tight(that's how it was before).
Do you think I should go ahead and take the management role now? Since I'm not preg now? Do you think it would be "misleading" if I do that now, then plan on quitting after I have a baby(if that's what I decide)?
SO many things to consider!!!!!!
My dh was gone this weekend (on a dad/daughter camp out...how fun!) and I didn't get to talk to him about it much. He wants me to make my pro/con list, really consider all options, then let him know what I've decided (then he'll "weigh in"). I KNOW he doesn't want me to do it (take the management role or go to work after the baby), as he is all for me staying home, if we have another baby. He just doesn't have the same priorities with money and material stuff as he used to and knows we can do it without my income. I don't have the same priorities as I used to either, but I just don't want to be so tight that I can't go have coffee with friends sometime because we're so tight(that's how it was before).
Do you think I should go ahead and take the management role now? Since I'm not preg now? Do you think it would be "misleading" if I do that now, then plan on quitting after I have a baby(if that's what I decide)?
SO many things to consider!!!!!!
I agree with everyone...it's a very personal choice. And so much depends on where you are in your life. I could NOT have stayed home with my first. I would have been miserable. My second, I stayed home for six months, and know that I could have done it indefinately if I could have afforded it. I LOVED staying home with him. With this baby, I would definately stay home if I could. I would miss my career - but I no longer have the drive/need to have that accomplishment and kudos outside the home. I mean, I have had an interesting, productive career. I would truly miss what I do if I quit. I get a sense of satisfaction from my job that I wouldn't get from staying home. But, at this point in my life, I'd rather stay home.
Tricia
Tricia
WOW...so much good info in these replies Barb. I'm just speaking for myself on this one, because I can see how I could be any of these responses. ;o) As for me...I would definitely be the one to stay home with my baby, because I've tried so long that once I had my baby, I don't think I'd want to miss those very "special" moments.
I'd be able to put my child in school at age 3, so if I wanted to get back to work, I'd have the opportunity then, but wouldn't be able to say for sure until that time came. I could really relate to Magnolia's reply though, because I think I'd feel so exhausted, that I 'm not sure how I'd still have "mom" energy left to give. ;o) At any rate...a very interesting discussion. ;o)
I'd be able to put my child in school at age 3, so if I wanted to get back to work, I'd have the opportunity then, but wouldn't be able to say for sure until that time came. I could really relate to Magnolia's reply though, because I think I'd feel so exhausted, that I 'm not sure how I'd still have "mom" energy left to give. ;o) At any rate...a very interesting discussion. ;o)
I am a teacher, and I loved my job. When baby was born,I stayed home for almost two years. Everyone kept telling me how I would get bored and would be ready to back eventually. Someone else who posted said that she lost herself staying home. I am the flip side, I never felt the urge to go back (I went back for financial reasons) and I lost myself going back to work. Life is a tread mill now. I don't dislike my job, but I am too exhausted to enjoy my daughter. As an older mom, I don't have the energy I had with my son to "do it all". I get up get everyone ready for school/work, go to work, come home, play for a bit, make dinner, do dishes, do laundry, collapse into bed. I have no me left to give myself at the end of the day. I would definitely give up my career if it were an option. I would NEVER have said that 2 and a half years ago; my job was my life. My priorities definitely changed after the birth of my daughter.
I think staying home would be tough for you since you had a hard time of it when your daughter was young. Let me tell you that your daughter would say the same kind of things to you if you were staying home & dealing w/a baby - "Mom, you're always tending to the baby and not paying attention to me" sort of things so it's always something.
If you do get a managerial position, you probably couldn't downsize to a part-time job but that sure would be ideal for the first year when your baby's young - you could have the best of both worlds but like I said, it probably wouldn't be possible at your level.
Like Y said, cross that bridge when you get to it. There's no sense worrying about it now - you seem to love your job and probably would enjoy a higher position so there's no reason to give up that opportunity at this time - my two cents anyway - jen
If you do get a managerial position, you probably couldn't downsize to a part-time job but that sure would be ideal for the first year when your baby's young - you could have the best of both worlds but like I said, it probably wouldn't be possible at your level.
Like Y said, cross that bridge when you get to it. There's no sense worrying about it now - you seem to love your job and probably would enjoy a higher position so there's no reason to give up that opportunity at this time - my two cents anyway - jen
In all honesty...cross that bridge when you get to it or get close to it. I'd love to quit working and would if I could. I do have other children 19 and 14, but I'm not too worried about how they'd feel about. The 19 YO is on his way out the door...and I can't help it my life was different when I had him compared to this baby.
I agree with ALL of you. I too, felt I lost who I was while staying home with my daughter, and yes, have thought how she would feel if I decided to stay home with baby #2 but didn't with her( for the most part).
My daughter, I feel, was a child who needed constant stimulation and socialization and staying home with me, wasn't cutting it. There are many positives to my choice of going back to work with her.
I know I have a little time to make that decision and can always change my mind, right? LOL.
I guess I can comitt to the position now (since they may need me in this position by July), see how it goes and if/when I get preg again, will deal with it then. Heck, I may hate management and want to go back to just being a sales rep with my flexibility and only dealing with my client problems, not everyone else's! :)
Thanks for your thoughts! Always helpful.
My daughter, I feel, was a child who needed constant stimulation and socialization and staying home with me, wasn't cutting it. There are many positives to my choice of going back to work with her.
I know I have a little time to make that decision and can always change my mind, right? LOL.
I guess I can comitt to the position now (since they may need me in this position by July), see how it goes and if/when I get preg again, will deal with it then. Heck, I may hate management and want to go back to just being a sales rep with my flexibility and only dealing with my client problems, not everyone else's! :)
Thanks for your thoughts! Always helpful.
I say...for now just be grateful for the choice. Many moms are putting babies in daycare at 6 weeks. Or have hubbies that put their foot down and say "no work - period". Make no promises until the time comes. Agree with Amanda that at some point 2-4, they need to go to school so as not to be terrified at age 5. One thought...how will your 9 year old feel? Will she be jealous of you being there 100% for #2?
In all honesty, this is a question only you and your DH can answer. It's a tough one. I struggle with it as well. There are moments I think how wonderful it would be to stay home full time with my child, but I also love my job and believe it helps me become a more well rounded person. There are arguments for both sides. Some believe you should stay home if at all possible, and can almost make you feel like a horrible mother if you don't. The other side of the coin is that children that go to daycare tend to be more socialized and it can be really great for them. It's just such a personal thing. I know I am holding off making that decision. In Canada we get a year off paid, and our company has to hold our job, so it gives us time to decide. I think that when the time comes that the decision has to be made, you will know what you want to do. Good luck!!
I was a career woman my whole adult life. It was a very important part of who I was.
After I had my DD at 41 I stopped working, I did do a freelance gig, but hated it and quit because my baby needed me at home. She was under one year.
After my DD started walking and things got more mundane at home as she needed to be the center of the world, and demanded my eagle eye at all times, ( that's how toddlers interpret life), I began to feel like I disappeared as a person. The abrupt change sent me into a spiral of depression.
Its a tough call. I am glad I was always available for her, but now that she goes to preschool from 8:30 to 2 pm I am lost. I am on the road to rediscovering who I am when I am not being a Mommy. If you keep working you will not have to face that. If you do keep working you may miss other important things.
I say a happy fulfilled Mother equals a happy fulfilled child.
After I had my DD at 41 I stopped working, I did do a freelance gig, but hated it and quit because my baby needed me at home. She was under one year.
After my DD started walking and things got more mundane at home as she needed to be the center of the world, and demanded my eagle eye at all times, ( that's how toddlers interpret life), I began to feel like I disappeared as a person. The abrupt change sent me into a spiral of depression.
Its a tough call. I am glad I was always available for her, but now that she goes to preschool from 8:30 to 2 pm I am lost. I am on the road to rediscovering who I am when I am not being a Mommy. If you keep working you will not have to face that. If you do keep working you may miss other important things.
I say a happy fulfilled Mother equals a happy fulfilled child.
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